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Other people's friends wouldn't have a sex toy sword fight, Namjoon thought as he observed the clash of knobbly and shiny. Take his friends anywhere and they embarrassed him in two minutes. Apparently, Taehyung was too shy to return the anal beads he got as a gag gift by himself and dragged the whole group to a small shop between Shady and Sketchy Street. Hoseok had managed to shoo away Taehyung’s nerves with a simple dildo duel, though, and the rest was history.
Jimin stood next to Namjoon and failed to hide his reddening cheeks as he tried to cheer for Taehyung.
Namjoon donned an inquisitive eye at the clashing dildos. “The balls are oversized,” he remarked, “to project more masculinity, I guess.” Jimin almost squeaked.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Jimin, faux innocent, after a moment. “They seem normal to me.”
Taehyung shrieked as Hoseok whacked his ear with the dildo.
After a minute, Jimin discovered an ostentatious stand towards the right and approached it with curious trepidation. It was a large, shiny golden dildo with its shaft glistening in the florescent light, almost lifelike with its texture. He was only a short distance away when Hoseok exclaimed in surprise.
“Look!”
Namjoon turned to look at the dildo and noticed a large shining drop near the realistic hole at the top. He glanced upwards to find no water damage, so he assumed it was a trick. Someone had to be operating the thing with a remote.
“Thrust me! Is it possible?” a voice sounded behind them. Namjoon turned to see a broad shouldered man walk towards them.
“Did you control it remotely?” asked Namjoon.
“No.” The man stared at Jimin, who smiled an awkward smile under the heavy gaze. “You are worthy, good sir! The magical golden dildo has CHOSEN!” He grabbed his shirt and ripped it off his body. Everyone was taken aback.
Magical? Someone had a screw loose. Namjoon furrowed his brow.
“What do you mean, magical?” Hoseok wanted to know.
“Three wishes magical!” The man stepped in front of Jimin and extended his hand. “I am Kim Seokjin, the keeper of the Golden Dildo. It is my utmost pleasure to meet you.”
Jimin shook his hand gingerly. “What do you mean, I’m worthy?”
“Someone worthy of The Golden Dildo is pure of ass and heart,” said Seokjin and looked at Jimin, whose eyes widened. “Thus you shall be granted three wishes.“
Ridiculous. They attempted to make an escape, but Seokjin insisted and pressed the Magical Golden Dildo into Jimin’s hands. He wouldn’t let them leave the store without it. Namjoon shook his head in disbelief as they headed back to the dorm.
===
“I don’t know if I believe this thing really grants wishes,” stated Jimin as he frowned at the golden sex toy in his hands. “And even if it did, what sort of things would I wish for?”
Namjoon paused in contemplation. “You have to be careful and precise with your wishes, otherwise you never know what you might get,” he said.
“But he could wish for lots of money!” Taehyung protested.
“By sticking something up his ass,” added Hoseok. “So maybe Jimin won’t mind.”
“Hey.” Taehyung shook his head at Hoseok.
Namjoon patted Jimin’s arm. “Just be careful, okay?” Jimin nodded in reply.
===
“Why is there a naked chocolate statue of Namjoon in the kitchen?” asked Hoseok, much too amused for Namjoon’s liking.
Jimin looked away, ears reddening. “I may have wished for some chocolate.” Hoseok doubled over, laughing.
“You mean you jammed the Magic Golden Dildo up your ass? Please tell me it started to sing or something.”
“No!” Jimin stated. “I just wanted something simple. No consequences. I didn’t know --”
“You’d receive the glistening chocolate ass of Namjoon?”
Just then, Taehyung left his room, walked into the kitchen and broke off chocolate Namjoon’s little finger.
“Tae!” Jimin protested.
“I can’t not take free chocolate.” Tae glanced over at Namjoon. “Especially if it’s to scale.”
All eyes shot to chocolate Namjoon’s bait and tackle.
“It is not!” Namjoon sputtered and shoved Hoseok’s shoulder when he started to cackle. His evil friend grabbed a chopstick and bent down before Namjoon realized what he was doing. Hoseok started to carve on the side of Chocolate Namjoon. ‘Loser,’ it read.
“Hey!” Namjoon tried to grab Hoseok’s arm to stop him, but he leaned too far forward. He leaned against Hoseok and the chocolate dick fell off. Taehyung and Hoseok burst into laughter.
“Who wants chocolate dick fondue?” Hoseok asked. Namjoon groaned. He had to wrestle the chocolate penis away from Hoseok to throw it away, because he really didn’t need the image of one of his friends biting a piece off of his dick. (Jimin eating it might have crossed his mind. Naughty thought, Namjoon.)
After they had eaten chocolate Namjoon’s phalanges, Namjoon was able to be alone with Jimin.
“Are you going to make any more wishes?” Namjoon wondered. “I supposed we should have expected these sorts of consequences.”
“Look, I tried to take your advice. I was careful, and said I just wanted chocolate to share with the others. I didn’t know it’d do that.” Jimin shrugged. “I’m not going to use that thing again.”
“It’s okay, Jimin,” said Namjoon. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Now that we know it works, you can ask it for anything you want. Even if it does kinda mean sticking a rubber thing up your ass to get it. But you have to get screwed by life a little before you can get what you want, right?”
Jimin laughed a nervous laugh and cast his eyes towards the ground. “I’m not sure I want to do that again. It was embarrassing enough the first time.”
Namjoon rested a hand on Jimin’s shoulder and squeezed it with affection. “No pressure. Now, I should probably go save my chocolate ass from Hoseok’s persistent graffiti.” Jimin laughed and Namjoon smiled at him before heading to the kitchen, whereupon he spotted Hoseok loitering behind the chocolate statue. A chopstick was in his hand.
“Stop defiling my chocolate ass!” Namjoon declared. Hoseok broke off a chocolate buttock and tossed it at him.
And that was the story of how a pound of chocolate ass got stuffed up Hoseok’s left nostril.
===
After the figurative and literal mess with the chocolate, Namjoon decided to invite Jimin out for coffee to make him feel less awkward. He wished the teasing would stop, but that was inevitable with their friends. The coffee shop ten minutes away was most accessible and their Americanos were decent, so the two of them went after classes.
Jimin ordered his drink first and Namjoon pulled out his wallet to order an Americano from a cheerful barista.
“Welcome to Vixxpresso, home of the Vanilla-Cinnamon Espresso and super cool latte art! I’m your cute main barista, Jaehwan!” Jaehwan greeted with a victory sign over his eye. “What can I get you?”
Namjoon hesitated - yes, he had wanted an Americano, but now he was curious. “What types of latte art do you have?” he asked.
“Oh, special holiday kinds now!” Jaehwan answered. The eager twinkle in his eyes only grew. “I make them individually and especially for each customer. You seem to be a snowflake man, if I may say, sir.”
“Sounds good.” Namjoon withdrew his money. Jaehwan beamed at him and the warmth of his gaze caused odd flutterings in his stomach. He only had to wait a couple of minutes before his snowflake adorned latte stood in front of him, inviting. “Wow, it is beautiful. Thank you.” He glanced at the barista and a little smile appeared on his lips.
“You’re very welcome.” Jaehwan’s voice was warm, though Namjoon failed to look the man in the eyes to see his facial expression. “Please come again soon.” Namjoon scratched the back of his head and nodded.
That was when his head burst into pain. His eyes ached so badly, they threatened to fall out of his head, and Namjoon doubled over with his face in his hands. What was happening? He tried to look at Jimin for help and he squinted. When was the light so bright? Why were there six of Jimin?
Like a boss, Namjoon vomited and blacked out.
He regained consciousness seconds later and screwed his eyes shut because the light threatened to bore into his skull if he didn’t. “Jimin, are you there?” he asked. He reached out a hand for his friend.
“I’m here.” Jimin’s voice was watery. Upset? He held Namjoon’s arm. “Namjoon, I--”
“What happened?” Namjoon asked and tried to open his eyes. His vision somehow became HD+++. He reached to wipe sweat from his forehead and met something squishy. Ow. How did he just poke himself in the eye?
Namjoon saw his reflection in the counter. He had six eyes.
“What the hell?”
===
Jimin had to guide a closed-eyed Namjoon back to the dorm, a clumsy affair. At last, they were back in the safety of indoors and Namjoon sank onto the sofa.
“Was this a wish?” he asked, because what else could it be?
Jimin’s voice was very small. “Yes. I’m so sorry.”
“How? What were you thinking?” Namjoon asked. He furrowed his brow. If this was a wish, then maybe the effects would reverse by the third wish. “Can you wish me back?”
“I’ve been trying, but it isn’t working.” Jimin hesitated and must have fidgeted, because his clothes rustled. “So.. I called Seokjin. You know, the guardian of the thing. He has to know something we don’t, right?”
Namjoon tried to peek through his eyelashes and another surge of nausea hit him. “Best idea we have right now. Let’s hope my eyes don’t fall out of my head before then.” He tried to make it a joke, but it came out a lot more bitter than intended.
“They won’t. Don’t worry,” said Jimin. Namjoon’s headache proved it difficult to tolerate much of anything right now.
“You don’t know that for sure, Jimin. If you cannot wish this back and the effects are irreversible, then I don’t know what to do. So I’d appreciate knowing how this happened.”
“I’m sorry, Namjoon, I--”
“Don’t be sorry, just tell me!” Namjoon tried his best to keep his tone even, though irritation leaked through the seams. Jimin sighed and hesitated once again. “It was when I talked to that barista, right? I wasn’t looking at anyone else so I - AH!” Pain shot through his six eyes in a glorious wave. What the fuck. “Right?” He suppressed his gag reflex, but still it was threatening. “Please, get me a bucket.”
Nothing. “Jimin?”
He heard the front door close. He was alone.
Oh. Oh.
Shiiiiiit.
Namjoon struggled to get to his feet. Why wasn’t anyone else home? “Jimin?” he called, though he knew in vain. Fuck. Where was his phone? He reached into his pocket and held down the button for voice control. “Call Jimin.”
The phone obliged. Jimin didn’t answer, so Namjoon attempted texting
Namjoon:
Jimin, please come back I just want to talk
Namjoon:
Did you know with six eyes the urge to sneeze is increased?
Namjoon:
I don’t want to be alone with a man who strips emphatically. Come back DAMN IT.
Ow. His anger at Jimin fueled the pain behind his eyes, as if they protested his irritation. But he had good reason! Where was the sink? Maybe cold water over his face would help with his headache. Namjoon bumped into what was probably the dining table and decided he needed assistance, so he called Hoseok.
“Hoseok, I got 99 problems and most of them are eyeballs. Come back the fuck now,” said Namjoon as he managed to stumble towards the kitchen.
“Wait, what?”
“Urgently. I have six spheroidal structures thanks to Jimin’s irritating ass stick genie. Assistance is most sincerely requested.”
“I never know why you sound like a robot when you’re stressed.” Hoseok did sound a little worried, at least. “I’ll be there soon.”
True to his word, Hoseok was there in five minutes with a bucket and painkillers and Namjoon had to explain.
“...and then he left without telling me, the idiot.” Namjoon regretted those words as soon as he said them, because the nausea hit hard then. “I don’t even know if that exhibitionist Seokjin is even on the way and I have to prepare for the eventuality that this is permanent, because Jimin tried to wish me back and it failed.”
Hoseok patted Namjoon’s shoulder blade in an unusual staccato rhythm. “You know Jimin’s going to do whatever he can to help. I bet the weird man is on his way and it’s probably better that you’re too much in pain to see his stunning pectorals.”
“Were you looking?” Namjoon rubbed at the makeshift blindfold over his eyeball-infested forehead. “Just try calling Taehyung. There’s a good chance Jimin is with him.”
Hoseok put the call on speakerphone and Taehyung answered, winded.
“H-hello?”
“Namjoon’s got a real problem and needs your help. Is Jimin with you?”
“No, I… I haven’t seen him since this morning.” Taehyung drifted off, distracted and Namjoon grit his teeth. Then there were sounds of Taehyung laughing and another distinctly not-Jimin voice chuckling in the background. Namjoon sighed. No help at all.
Neither was Seokjin, who fumbled around with some sort of explanation. “Maybe it’s a true love’s kiss sort of problem.”
Namjoon groaned in realization. “You’ve never seen the Magical Golden Dildo in action, have you?”
“Look.” Seokjin crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s not as if it chooses one person a year. One person is it. Have you been treating it all right?”
“It’s a sex toy,” Hoseok stated in disbelief. “Jimin probably threw it in a drawer somewhere.” Seokjin gasped and then Namjoon heard the sudden tearing of fabric. Hoseok probably said the wrong thing.
“How dare you throw a priceless magic item in a drawer! I cannot stand by and let that happen,” Seokjin exclaimed. “Where is it? I must find it!” There were footsteps leading away from Namjoon, who cracked an eye (or three?) open to see what was going on. He staggered towards the sounds of scuffling and saw Hoseok trying to stop Seokjin from going through all of Jimin’s drawers.
Enough. “Don’t go through his stuff,” Namjoon insisted. “All that matters is I find him now.” He wasn’t really sure what he’d say, but he told himself the situation would resolve itself as soon as they were together. Anything was better when Jimin was around.
So he tried once more to call Jimin. This time, Jimin answered the phone. “Please come back,” said Namjoon. “I’m not mad. I just want to see you.”
His headache shrank after those words and vanished in an instant as soon as Jimin walked through the front door.
Jimin stared in relief at Namjoon’s forehead. “How- your eyes are gone!”
“All I needed was an epiphany, I suppose.” Namjoon reached out to take Jimin’s hand. “You’re spectacular, Jimin.”
Hoseok sighed. “I owe Taehyung twelve thousand won.”
Seokjin grinned. “The Golden Magical Dildo always produces true love. How penetratingly wonderful!” He beat his chest for happy emphasis and Hoseok dragged him off to the other room.
“Let’s get ramen,” Namjoon stated, holding Jimin’s hand as they hurried out of the dorm when passionate moans started. Jimin smiled at Namjoon, which was the only magic he needed, anyway.