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'Im not exactly sure when you’ll come back.' The opening line of the letter was scratched into the paper in Minji’s usually smooth handwriting. Lately, she felt time has been slowing down more and more every time she thought about Haerin.
Thinking about their moments together in the dead of night hurts, but she can’t help recalling them. Every time, it leaves Minji worn and bleeding, like the memories were pieces of shattered glass she willingly steps on. Every time, Minji realises how alone she is.
She’s always so worried, always so so worried. Wallowing in the darkness of her room. On the special occasions she opens the blinds, Minji has to step back because of how blinding the light is. Every time, she is brought back to the moment when she almost passed out after a marathon and Haerin standing in front of her, illuminated by the evening sunset.
It was as if the sun was Haerin. If she squinted hard enough, she could see her silhouette. Could feel time slow down when she makes out the shape of her body Minji always hopes it’s a hallucination.
Minji always wondered, what if she could reverse this longing before all of this happened, if the choices were presented to Haerin, if she was the one who left instead — how would Haerin turn time? How would she change what they missed? Minji doesn’t want to wake up and have something missing from her life. She thinks forgetting is the last resort, then her mind will be clean of Haerin. As simple as that.
The first photo Haerin took of her was still pinned to her wall, she remembered that day clearly. They were at the beach, and Haerin kept her face behind her face after the click of her camera. After a while of begging, Minji finally got to press the shutter. That photo was also pinned to her board, a photo of Haerin at ease.
Everything slowly unraveled after that, until the day they separated. Who knew it was the last day the two of them would meet? They clearly held each other so tightly at the train station, promised they’d always be together, watch the sea together. Now Minji waits alone.
Her helplessness became her undoing, she can’t act like she doesn’t care at all. All she can do is silently recite ‘Haerin will come back’ everyday, over and over again, like she can manifest her to appear right in front of her eyes. She knows forgetting is the last last resort, then her mind will be clean of any traces of Haerin.
Minji feels suspended in a state of neverending weightlessness all the time, and every moment that passes she feels her control slipping. There’s really no excuse, Haerin has seen it before. Minji wonders how can she believe it when she says she’s not hurting?
Minji gives up on the letter and decides she’s going to burn it, but a part of her hesitates. She’s got a knack for thinking about the worst-case scenario, and worries if Haerin could be dead.
She remembers being told by her grandparents that practiced Taoism any property made of paper or paper mache will be sent to the spirits in heaven. Something like that. So she decides to tear up the paper and toss it in the trash.