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Chapter Text

It was boredom that had driven Calum to make a fan account for his own band. He wasn't narcissistic about it though. Everything he put in elluded to him being an Ashton fan and not himself. The @ on twitter was Irwindrumsticks, the icon was an embarrassing picture of Ashton covered in paint from when they were younger in school together.

Nothing he put in the account would suggest he is Calum Hood, he would just be another fan, communicating with other fans of the band he was in, but it would be easier that way.

The band had gotten big enough that Calum just couldn't interact with fans how he wanted. He wanted to have a conversation with them, be excited with them, but without being this larger than life singer. So that's where the boredom came in and they were on the road for the next ten hours, Calum wouldn't have much else to do, so it seemed a good idea. 

He got everything set up and set about following people. He went through the 5 Seconds Of Summer indirects and followed randomly. Then he just went through the timeline replying here and there. Some would reply back and then others would even follow him back. New accounts even followed him back, but the one that caught his eye was cutiecal. their icon wasn't calum, (although the header was a quote from Calum: "thats my microwave, HEY!") the icon showed a guy who was maybe seventeen in the photo, with candy pink hair holding a pink my little pony in his right hand. Now the guy was cute in that photo, but it was nothing compared to their pinned tweet for end of the year selfies.

@cutiecal: same old shh, but a different year. 

Now it was a known fact that Calum was pansexual as all hell and this guy was incredibly cute. It was a weird cute though. He had a cute yet hot vibe going on. He also had different colored hair in all four pictures, and Calum might have a thing for colored hair. The first one showed a mirror selfie, where he had dark blue hair and a fucking tattoo on his arm and middle finger. Calum might also have a thing for tattoos, the only thing that would make this guy even more of his type would be if he sung.

Then the second was multi shades of purple, and just the smile he had in that specific picture just made him look adorable. The third one was blue in the back and bleached in the front with a damn puppy fliter. 

But the fourth one, the fourth one he was wearing a snapback with wisps of blond hair poking out and it was probably the most unfair picture of them all. He had the biggest and brightest smile, his eyes were squinted and it was so adorable. Calum felt his heart melt a little. 

So now, if he followed the account back because the owner was the maybe the cutest guy Calum had ever seen, no one had to know. No had to know that he immediately liked the tweet and almost retweeted it, but then there was a notification for a new tweet so he refreshed the account and immediately started laughing. 

@cutiecal: i hate calum hood and his cute squishy face almost as much as i hate luke

a second later the account had a new tweet so Calum refreshed again, but this time it was a reply to the last tweet that the guy had retweeted.

@lukeisapenguin: fuck you

Calum was laughing through the interaction, which caught Ashton's attention from across the tour bus, watching netflix on the television. 

"What am I missing?" Ashton yelled from the other side of the bus. "Did you post another embarrassing picture of me? I swear if it's the pony one-" Calum started laughing even more. Then netflix got paused and Ashton flopped down in the seat across from Calum. "What did you do?" 

Calum just turned the phone around to Ashton and the boy read the short interaction before swiping up on the phone to refresh the account. His eyes getting even wider and laughs tumbling out of his mouth. Ashton passed the phone back around and Calum looked down. 

@cutiecal: @lukeisapenguin you love me though

@lukeisapenguin: @cutiecal not as much as i love ashton

@cuitecal: @lukeisapenguin fuck you

@lukeisapenguin: oh how the tables have turned 

@cutiecal: oops, my hand slipped and i blocked you

Calum joined Ashton in as they descended into laughter. "Hold on, I gotta follow these two." Ashton said, pulling out his own phone and searching for both of them. Calum just waited for the reaction from them, also following Luke on his new account. And sure enough five minutes later his timeline had erupted to congratulations to both accounts. 

@lukeisapenguin: i am dead, let my soul ascend to heavens 

@cutiecal: @ashton5sos tell calum to hmu with that follow ;)

Ashton looked to Calum, "You don't you already follow this cutiecal guy?" 

Calum shrugged as a kinda action. "I made a fan account to interact with everyone more without them knowing it's me." He explained and Ashton just nodded. 

"Makes sense. So what's your account so I follow you? Don't tell me you made it about you?" He joked, as Calum looked around for something to throw at him that wasn't a phone.

"Just for that I'm not going to tell you." Calum grumbled, and held his phone close to his chest. 

"I'll find it myself then."

Chapter Text

"What the hell, Calum!" Ashton yelled across the hotel lobby in Atlanta. Calum was just trying to get a bag of chips from the vending machine, completely innocent. Nothing that would warrant Ashton yelling at him from twenty feet away. He was innocent. "Calum, you fucking shit, I know this is you." Ashton ranted as he got closer, phone in hand and then phone in front of Calum's face set on twitter. Specifically irwinsdrumstick with the paint splattered young ashton as the icon.

Calum looked between the phone and Ashton before shrugging and turning around to continue getting his chips. "It was either that or the pony shirt. Or!" Calum spun back around a bright smile on his face. "I'll replace the icon I now to the one from your farming days. You know the one where a girl cat called you, 'cause she thought you were a lesbian farmer." 

Ashton glared, "You wouldn't dare." The mischievous glint in Calum's confirmed that, he would dare. It got Ashton to drop the subject, and turn on his heel to head to the hotel room they'd be sharing. Calum, finally got his chips and he was about to head to the room as well, but he got a twitter notification. 

@ashton5sos: I hate @calum5sos

@calum5sos: @ashton5sos Love you too boo

Calum locked his phone after that to eat his chips in peace in the hotel room. 

Eating his chips in peace meant watching tv with Ashton while scrolling through his second twitter. The cutiecal who Calum still didn't have a name for - the closest he has was the name on the account, but it was Happy Cliffayear - was posting some memes about the new year. Calum was just liking them and retweeting some. 

@cutiecal: luke is making me watch bolt with me, does he want me to fucking cry

@lukeisapenguin: @cutiecal i haven't seen bolt i waSN'T EXPECTING THESE TEARS

@cutiecal: @lukeisapenguin: I TOLD YOU THAT IT WOULD MAKE YOU CRY

@cutiecal: @lukeisapenguin wait why the fuck am i tweeting you?? you're right next to me

@lukeisapenguin: RT your friendship goals "@lukeisapenguin wait why the fuck am i tweeting you?? you're right next to me"

@cutiecal: no

@lukeisapenguin: :-(

@cutiecal retweeted: @lukeisapenguin: RT your friendship goals "@lukeisapenguin wait why the fuck am i tweeting you?? you're right next to me"

@lukeisapenguin: :-)

Calum giggled at the interaction before composing his own tweet.

@irwinsdrumsticks: which is better friendship goals, @lukeisapenguin and @cutiecal or cashton? my vote isn't on cashton....oops

@cutiecal: @lukeisapenguin @irwinsdrumstick #mukeisbetterthancashton

@irwinsdrumsticks: @cutiecal #mukeisbetterthancashton

@lukeisapenguin: #cashtonisbetterthanmuke

@cutiecal: LUCAS HEMMINGS WHAT THE FUCK

Calum fell back on the bed laughing which got the attention of Ashton who looked behind him, but Calum was already handing over his phone.

"Hold on, this could be fun." Ashton commented with a smile. Calum knew that whatever Ashton was about to do, twitter was about to blow up.

@ashton5sos: #cashtonisbetterthanmuke ft fetus selfie

@calum5sos: @ashton5sos My cheeks look so chubby

@cutiecal: @calum5sos your cheeks are adorable

@cutiecal: fetus muke has fetus cashton beat any day though #mukeisbetterthancashton

@irwinsdrumsticks: retweeted "@cutiecal: fetus muke has fetus cashton beat any day though #mukeisbetterthancashton"

@cutiecal: retweeted "@irwinsdrumstick: #mukeisbetterthancashton"

@ashton5sos: the cashton glow up #cashtonisbetterthanmuke

"I can't believe you would betray me like this" Ashton grumbled to Calum, not looking up from his phone as he saw Calum's second account supporting muke instead of cashton. "If I didn't want to get up I'd tackle you."

@cutiecal: you want a glow up @ashton5sos, well muke has a motherfucking glow up #mukeisbetterthancashton

@lukeisapenguin: sorry michael, i support cashton more #cashtonisbetterthanmuke

@cutiecal: WATCH MY FINGER JUST SLIP OVER THAT BLOCK AGAIN YOU BETRAYER

Calum suddenly shot up off the bed. "Ashton! His name is Michael!" 

"You didn't know that?" Ashton asked, his head cocked to the side. 

"Would I be so excited about learning it if I did?" Calum shot back.

"Point taken. And I guess his name isn't really anywhere on his twitter. Not that yours is either on your fan account. You just have a koala emoji." 

Calum shrugged, he didn't know what else to put. He couldn't very well use his name. Ashton seemed to have read his mind though and grabbed his phone out of his hands, tapping for a couple minutes before handing it back. Instead of just the koala emoji it was now thomas koala emoji. Ashton had also tweeted off calum5sos.

@calum5sos: #mukeisbetterthancashton

@cutiecal: when calum supports muke but still hasn't followed you

Calum smiled and fixed that by pressing the follow button on Michael's account from calum5sos. 

@cutiecal: brb gotta go fly into the fucKING SUN

@calum5sos: liked "@cutiecal: brb gotta go fly into the fucKING SUN"

@ashton5sos: still can't believe calum would betray me, my own son, who i took out for milkshakes once 

@calum5os: @ashton5sos sorry dad won't do it again

@calum5sos: @ashton5sos #mukeisbetterthancashton

@ashton5sos: @calum5sos i'm disowning you

Chapter Text

@cutiecal: if you've never tried it, try eating potato chips in the shower, it's the best i promise

Calum stared at the tweet for a couple seconds. He did need to shower for the concert that night, but eating potato chips while doing it?

@irwinsdrumkit: @cutiecal they got all soggy :'( 

@cutiecal: @irwinsdrumkit no you're not supposed to get them wet hold it where they cant #noob

@irwinsdrumkit: @cutiecal there's nowhere to hold them where they won't get soggy

@cutiecal: @irwinsdrumkit ........there's always somewhere 

@irwinsdrumkit: @cutiecal i'll try next time i take a shower

@cutiecal: @irwinsdrumkit good, tell me how it turns out

@lukeisapenguin: @irwinsdrumskit don't believe him, he likes slightly soggy chips

@irwinsdrumkit: @lukeisapenguin damn i wanted chips in the shower 

@cutiecal: @irwinsdrumskit @lukeisapenguin DON'T EXPOSE ME LIKE THIS

@irwinsdrumkit: @lukeisapenguin @cutiecal exposed

@cutiecal: LUKE WHY @lukeisapenguin 

@lukeisapenguin: @cutiecal <(' .' )>

@cutiecal: i hate you @lukeisapenguin i bet calum doesn't do this to ashton

@cutiecal: i'm taking back what i said #cashtonisbetterthanmuke

Calum wanted to continue reading Michael's tweets, but Dave, the bodyguard, had just come in to let them know it was time for soundcheck. Calum pocketed his phone and it wasn't until after soundcheck that he could look at it again. Ashton sent him a look as he had immediately pulled out his phone. 

"What?" Calum questioned, not looking up from his phone. 

"I think you like Michael." Ashton teased, Calum didn't need to look up to see the grin on the older boy's face. 

"Shut up."

@cutiecal: my first kiss could be described as no tongue with butt

@lukeisapenguin: @cutiecal the lamest first kiss story

@cutiecal: @lukeisapenguin shut up luke

@irwinsdrumkit: @cutiecal i like it

@cutiecal: see @lukeisapenguin, @irwinsdrumkit likes it

@cutiecal: @irwinsdrumkit i need to know your name, i'm making you my new best friend

Calum paused. He hadn't thought this far as to have a fake name. It couldn't be sometime hard to remember either cause Calum forgot the lyrics to songs he wrote. No version of Calum could really work, he had to ask Ashton. "Ash," 

Ashton immediately looked over from the tv playing a Pokemon episode, "What is it?" 

"I need a fake name. Michael just asked for one." 

Ashton stared at him for a second before shrugging. "Go with Thomas, it's your middle name and common enough."

Calum nodded and looked back at his phone while Ashton's attention went back to the tv. 

@irwinsdrumkit: @cutiecal it's thomas

@cutiecal: michael at your service

@lukeisapenguin: .@cutiecal @irwinsdrumkit more like at your dick if you're cute

@cutiecal: LUCAS DO YOU WANT TO GET THIS BOTTLE OF WATER THROWN AT YOU

@lukeisapenguin: do it 

Then Luke tweeted a video of him getting hit with a half empty water bottle, rolling his eyes at the camera after the bottle got his arm and landed harmlessly on the floor. "This is what I put up with." The camera flipped to Michael sticking his middle finger up at Luke.

@irwinsdrumkit: @cutiecal you didn't deny anything *eye emoji*

@lukeisapenguin: @irwinsdrumkit @cutiecal #EXPOSED

@cutiecal: i'm logging off twitter goodbye