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Piper had always loved these jokes about combles. Leo hadn't understood what it was at first. She'd smiled and excitedely told him about these french jokes, about the irony of a situation. Most of them were puns, hard to translate into english, but Leo loved to hear them --- they were so corny it made them funny, and it gave him ammo for his own jokes.
'What's the irony of a fly ? To have a frog in its throat !'
'What's the irony of a doctor ? Being three apple tall !'
'What's the irony of a king ? Going to the dentist to get a crown !'
'What's the irony of irony ? That a mute person tells a deaf one that a blind one is spying on them !'
Leo loved these jokes. Sometimes, Piper messed up and ended up translating a pun directly into english, and Leo just stared at her laughing, confused, but smiling too.
Leo wondered what Piper would say if she saw him.
Probably a joke about the irony of the situation.
A worthless hostage ? The height of irony.
Surely an amazing comble.
Leo looked up at the two scary dudes in full Roman armor, and then back at the heavy handcuffs around his wrists, attached to the chain around his waist.
Fuck, he thought, and he summmoned his fire to melt the metal, trying to be discreet. The belt of chains would slow him down, but he could pray to his Ledan to either get blessed with super-speed or slow down the Romans.
The cuffs melted slowly, the fuming metal dripping on his arms. He winced --- just because he was immune to fire and heat didn't mean he couldn't feel it. It didn't hurt him but still stinged. Like washing dishes without gloves and with hot water, he supposed.
"Hey !" exclaimed one of the soldiers, and he shoved Leo, making him stumble, and his hands slid free from the handcuffs.
Leo held out his hands, one in front of each soldier, and took a step back, snarling.
"What ? You thought the Graecus was weak and unable to defend himself ?" he huffed.
The soldiers exchanged a look and positionned themselves, their spears pointed at Leo.
They didn't get to attck him, though, because an arm wrapped around his throat, and lifted him, and Leo wiggled, trying to get out of this death grip. His hands, still on fire, grabbed the arm, and he swung his legs, wrapping one around the attacker's middle, making them topple and free Leo, who quickly got up and tried to run, only to fall after onlt two feet. The chain around his waist. He turned around and met the eyes of a stern Hispanic girl, darting daggers at him.
"Hey !" he exclaimed when he got thrown on someone's shoulder liek a sack of potatoe. He put a burning hand on their skin, but was only met by a snort.
"Try as hard as you can," puffed the Roman. "I am the son of Aquilo. It takes more than a weak fire to harm me."
Leo gritted his teeth, but shut up and let the Romans take him to their camp.
Maybe he could start a fire there and sabotage them.
Leo wasn't around when the war started. He was still at his Ledan's temple, unaware of the world, thinking it was just a regular juvie with very cool adults around and only four kids. When he thought about it now, past-Leo seemed ridiculous, and idiot. But his Lord was the god of shelters, of reincarnation, and of abused children ('Children in general.' she'd told Leo. 'But especially abused kids.'), so it was no wonder why Leo felt so safe in their temple.
He'd then noticed that only Piper and he weren't able to get out of the temple slash juvie, and they'd asked the other two kids why. Theo had rolled his eyes and left the room, but Peter had smiled kindly, and after staying silent for ten minutes, sat them down to tell them about Greek gods being real, and a certain Camp where they could learn more about it. Piper and Leo had eagerly left the temple and followed a furious Annabeth to Camp Half-Blood.
That was six months ago. While Piper had decided to not interact with Mari anymore, Leo had become, somehow, one of their devotee. Even he didn't know how, or why, but they were his Ledan now.
'You're my favorite.' they'd told him once, after they'd sneaked in the infirmary, where he was for the night after a battle against Camp Jupiter.
'Theo won't like that.' had retorted Leo. Mari had chuckled, and gifted him a monster-proof phone, for 'his little boyfriend'.
Leo had blushed, but as soon as they left, he'd called Jason, giddy to finally be able to do that and stop giving lame excuses about his phone being repaired.
So, yeah, Leo didn't know why, how, or when the war started. He just knew that two years ago, Percy Jackson had managed to stop the rebellion of the Titans, and prevent Kronos from overthrowing the Olympians, and that, somehow, Camp Jupiter had found that out, and attacked the Greek demigods because the reason of all this was because of a Greek demigod. Thus, a war started, and because neither camps were favored over the other by Apollo, and Hades refused to let any demigod who died on this war put a foot in the Underworld, nobody had died or suffered any injuries in this war.
Piper compared this to a unharmful rivalry between two middle schools. Leo had agreed.
Leo was now in enemy camp, chained and locked in a fucking cage, like some animal in a freak show, and wasn't so sure about the whole 'middle school rivalry' thing anymore.
He knew that his Ledan would help him.
But today was a Wednesday, which meant that he had a date with his boyfriend. And he had no way to tell him he couldn't make it.
He heard noises outside of the tent, and lifted his hands, summoning his fire and grabbing the bars, made of imperial gold --- its melting point was way higher than what Leo could produce usually, and he'd have to overheat for hours and consume and awful lot of calories to get to melt this thing. But he could at least try.
The Hispanic girl --- the Praetor --- entered the tent, looking at him like he was just an inconvenience.
She turned her head towards the opening of the tent, and someone else came inside, wearing the same armor and cape as the Praetor -- surely the other one. They came in pairs, after all.
The other Praetor, who was looking behind him and giving orders to his soldiers, turned to look at Leo, and stopped.
Leo's eyes widened.
"You !" he snarled, his fire becoming hotter, stronger, anger rising in his chest.
He'd thought it was real.
He'd been a foolish, stupid man.
"Leo," whispered Jason. His boyfriend.
Leo didn't remember consciously deciding to raise his hand and make a throwing move towards Jason, but he did, and Jason dodged the fireball at the last moment, the tip of his hair burning before he patted it.
Leo tried again, but was stopped by a pair of cold teeth wrapping around his wrist, and biting hard. He let out a yelp of pain and tried to get rid of this golden metal dog biting him, but only managed to make it sink its teeth deeper, making him bleed.
Paws tackled him to the ground, and that was the last thing he felt before he passed out.
"... Useless."
Leo opened his eyes and closed them again when the light blinded him. His injured wrist was wrapped in bandages, but he could feel cuffs around bith his wrists and ankles, tied more tightly than before. His hands were wrapped in something cold, like metal --- or imperial gold.
Fuck.
"Don't call him that," snapped Jason. Leo's heart clenched painfully, remembering how happy he'd been to get to have a boyfriend, how much he liked Jason, before he realized that it was all a lie. He couldn't believe he'd been so stupid. He'd thought Jason was a mortal. A very odd mortal, but a mortal nonetheless.
But he wasn't. No, Leo had been fooled, misleaded, tricked. Jason had fooled him, used him, all while Leo thought that he had the most comprehensive and adorable boyfriend ever.
"We can't keep him !" exclaimedd someone. "The Greeks don't want him back, and we can't waste resources on him ! He's basically worthless !"
The Greeks don't want him back.
He's worthless.
Leo inhaled sharply, closing his eyes tighter to try to bit back the tears. Logcally, he knew why they didn't want him back --- Leo was smart, he could escape easily once White Dipshit and the two others left, and he had a god by his side.
It still hurt.
He was building a godsdamn war ship for them ! He was one of the seven from the prophecy, he had been fighting on their side for six months ! He'd built countless machines, repaired many weapons, and he was deemed worthless ?
"Leo," said White Dipshit. Leo opened his eyes and found a familiar face in front of his. Leo straightened and sat with his legs crossed on the floor of his cage.
"Jason," he said flatly, and he regretted not knowing his last name --- he wanted him to know how much he despised him.
Jason looked at Leo with pleading eyes. Huh. Leo would not fold under these puppy eyes. That was exactly how he'd been fooled.
"Did you know ?" asked Jason.
Leo crossed his arms --- thing rather difficult and uncomfortable given that his hands were cuffed and trapped in metal gloves. "Know what. That you were using me ?" he snorted, without any ounce of humor in his voice; "Cut the shit, Jason."
The Roman's face fell. "I wasn't using you," he said. Leo rolled his eyes. "I promise ! I- I didn't know you were a demigod."
"You don't sound very convincing," muttered Leo, already feeling his heart ache and ready to forgive Jason. Damn it.
"I swear !"
"Get. Out," gritted Leo.
Jason looked at Leo one more time, puppy eyes and pout all out, but Leo didn't cave and watched this White Dipshit walk out of the tent.
He then let himself fall on his side, tears already flooding his eyes, his chest aching from the binder he'd been wearing for too long --- and definitely not because of the asshole he'd thought was his boyfriend.
Jason came back eventually, bringing food and water with him. Leo's did feel hungry, and thirsty, but he'd survived the Texas summer heat while living on the streets, so this was nothing compared to that.
"Fuck off," said Leo.
Jason didn't answer, and just put the plate and a jug in front of Leo. Outside of the cage. Great.
Leo raised both his hands, still trapped in these nightmare-ish death gloves, raising an eyebrow at the White Dipshit.
"Oh," said Jason, his eyes widening. He looked down at the plate, then back at Leo, and seemed to have been struck by a genius idea.
The idea was shit.
"I'm not gonna to let you spoon-feed me !" hissed Leo, backing up from the sandwich Jason was holding up.
"Leo, please," said Jason. "I know what you think-"
"I don't 'think' anything ! You used me !"
"I didn't !" exclaimed Jason. "I didn't know you were a demigod, or that you were Greek ! I thought- I just wanted to- I didn't use you !"
"Liar."
"I'm not lying," said Jason. He put down the sandwich on the plate and looked deep in Leo's eyes. "Leo. Please. Believe me. I am not lying. I didn't use you. I didn't even know you were a demigod."
"You don't need to lie," snapped Leo. "I'm the one chained and you're the one who had the keys. Ha ha, you tricked the Graecus. Have your fun now with your useless hostage."
Jason didn't answer, just looking down at the plate, the space between his eyes pinched with worry. Leo did not find that cute.
"You need to eat," he said after an uncomfortable silence.
Uh. Classic Jason. If it were him, Leo would've stormed out and dtramatically slammed the door --- wait, there were no doors. He would have screamed back at Jason, and made him regret his words.
But Jason ? Jason was a sweet guy. He was hurt, Leo could see it --- and yes, he was feeling bad about it ---, but he was still making sure Leo was well.
"Okay, Praetor," said Leo. "Spoon-feed me."
It was not an apology. Leo still didn't trust Jason entirely.
But Jason's face lit up and he fed and made him drink, and he smiled sweetly the whole time.
And maybe the tiny bundle in Leo's brain, the one who claimed Jason had betrayed him and couldn't be trusted, had its voice a bit muffled now.
"What's the irony of a hostage ?" mused Theo.
Leo rolled on his side, looking at the gloomy figure that was the priest. "Fuck off."
"Being worthless," giggled Theo, stepping out of the shadow to sit at Leo's level. He was clearly having the time of his life. What a dipshit.
"If you're not going to help, just fuck off."
"Awm. Trouble in paradise ?" asked Theo, darting a look towards the entry of the tent.
"At least my man ain't a rapist."
Theo's face went from giddy to a heavy, irritated state, and Leo wondered if he'd gone too far.
"You're lucky my sister loves you." Leo raised his eyebrows, and Theo sighed.
"It/its today," it muttered under its breath. It sighed and put a hand on a bar of Leo's cage, and it crumbled, taking three other with it. There was now a hole for Leo to escape, even if he'd have to fold and do some gymnastics to do so. He threw a glare at Theo, who innecently smiled. It did it on purpose, Leo knew it.
He had no idea why it had such a beef with Leo, but he didn't mind throwing back the punches at it.
"Your little Greek friends are distracting the Romans," said Theo, and then --- after a grand dramatic gesture towards Leo and dissolving his chains and handcuffs --- it disappeared in the shadows like some kind of freak.
"Show-off," muttered Leo, crawling out of his cage. He sighed and stretched fully, happy to get his liberty back.
He then looked outside and, like Theo had said, the Greeks had come. Which meant that the Romans' camp was now a battlefield. Fuck.
A Roman saw him, their precious worthless prisoner, defenceless, and charged at him with an arm stretched, surely ready to take him as a hostage again.
Luckily for Leo, Piper came out of nowhere and swung her bat on the Roman, knocking them out, and ran towards Leo. She hugegd him tightly and whispered a theart in French to his ear, and Leo grinned.
"You came to save me ?" he asked.
"Mari woud've been sad if you'd died," she snorted as they parted.
"Yeah, sure. Mari would've been sad," joked Leo as he let her take him far from the battlefield.
"Leo," she said, her tone more serious, grabbing his shoulders. "Leo, this war is nonsense. I won't let them take you anymore. You could've been seriously injured ! Or dead !"
Leo opened his mouth, ready to tell her that it wasn't that bad, and it wasn't like it was a real war anyways, or else the gods would have interveened like during the Civil War, but he closed it again.
"Where am I supposed to go, then ?" he huffed. "There's real monsters out there, Pip ! We can't just decide demigod life is not for us and go back at juvie !"
"Mari," said Piper. "You're one of her worshippers He'll take you in."
"And you ?"
Leo saw the way Piper flushed, and how her grip on Leo's shoulders tightened.
"They've got a place for me."
Leo blinked.
"Dios mío, Piper, you banged a god ?" he shrieked.
"Shh ! I did ! And now we've got a place to stay and Mari's here to take us !"
She tugged on his arm and made a face at him, dragging him far from the battlefield. Leo followed her dilligently, still processing the fact that his best friend --- a minor ! (like, sure, she'd be 18 in less than two months, but she was still a minor ! And Mari was a goddsdam god !) --- had screwed his Ledan. He let himself be dragged between the tents, but his eyes wandered on the rare armored Romans who were running towards the battlefield and paid no mind to them.
He was definitely looking for a blond head with blue eyes and a scar on his lower lip. Sue him ! He kust wanted to make sure his boyfriend --- ex boyfriend ? --- the White Dipshit was alright. They still had things to talk about, after all.
"Leo !"
Here he was.
Leo turned, making Piper stop, and looked at Jason running towards them. Piper's eyes widened when she saw Jason, whom she knew as Leo's boyfriend, and Leo looked at her with his "I'll tell you later" eyes.
Piper lifted her bar and adopted a defensive position, ready to hit Jason.
"Leo," he repeated. "You have to get out of here."
"We were doing that," he replied flatly.
He looked up and down at his maybe-ex-boyfriend and then stared into Jason's eyes. Wide open, afraid. He was only seventeen. A kid, really.
"Come with us."
Jason's eyes widened, and his mouth went slack.
"What ?"
"You hate this," said Leo, gesturing to the whole campement. "You hate being a Praetor, you hate all this Camp Jupiter thing. I know it --- you told me ! Sure, I thought it was about the military school you went to, but this is far worse. You hate this and you want to leave, but you won't, because you're a selfless idiot with a fucked up brain, so you're coming with us. I'll break up with you if you don't."
"I thought we'd already broken up," whispered Jason.
"Well we didn't yet. If you stay here, I'll dump your ass. We gotta talk and talk and not keep secrets from each other, and then annoy Piper with our gross PDA. You're still my boyfriend and you're coming with me. It's nonnegociable."
A small smiled stretched Jason's lips, and Leo's chest lightened.
Jason looked at the camp around him, at the battlefield, and then at Leo again.
"Okay," he said soflty. "Lead the way."
Leo grinned and took his still-boyfriend's hand and together, they left this nonsense war.
Together.