Chapter Text
Dear diary.
It was never really supposed to happen, I dont even know how it even happened. He has never even looked at me until now, or at least that's what I thought. But when he looked at me, and look of pure and unadulterated need. It made me feel bad.
I have never really talked to him, I mean we sat beside eachother in science, but nothing more. But when he blurted out his feelings toward me. I didnt know how to react, he's the most popular boy in school, and im... me-
Im not special, I'm the furthest thing from good looking, I dont know why he would look at a chubby emo kid and think. 'I love that person.' But he's staring down at me his eyes sparkling from unshead tears, just confessed his whole journey of how he came to like me. It's wrong.
This is wrong. He shouldn't like me.. I shouldn't like him- i shouldn't be who I am, I've been taught otherwise my whole life, my mother supported me when I told her, she hugged me and kissed my scalp. But.. my father.. he threw me out, he didn't let me come in until I said I wasn't 'Till'.
It was stupid to think i would ever be accepted in a house hold where anything other than 'normal' could co-exist.
So being gay was out of the question, bringing a boy home was out of the question, it feels wrong, but i looked in his eyes as its started to rain, i was supposed to like girls, I do like girls! I like Mizi! Right..? Liking him is against the rules, but being 'Till' is also against the rules.
Im 'Tanya' that's who I am. I'm 'Tanya' that's who I am, that's not against the rules, not against his rules. But that contradicts itself!? If I'm true to myself i cant like him but if I'm 'Tanya' I should like him! Ugh this is all just so- Im confused.
I shouldn't like him.
But he remembered the little things- like how I hate sweet things- how i take coffee- plain and black with no sugar. How i hate horror movies but try to like them but pass out every time.. like that one time we tried to disect a heart and he kept making references to a horror movie and I almost passed out.
How i wasnt bullied by his friends after he found out what they were saying to me. I shouldn't have left him without an answer I shouldn't have left him in the rain. I should've told him I needed to think- that- that i needed to get to know him more.
Or that i just-'
Till stopped writing, his pen was running out of ink, and his Father was calling him downstairs. "Tanya! Come down! Your dinners on the fucking table! Come down or don't eat at all!" Tills father was.. alot, constantly insulting him, or yelling at him.
"Coming!-"
Till was hesitant to go downstairs, he was hesitant to face his father, he was hesitant to even eat dinner. But nevertheless he had to go down, if he didn't he would probably get yelled at.
Till rushed downstairs to the small dining room, where his father and mother sat, his mother was looking down her short hair was not covering the bruises that laced her face, Tills father disgusted him beyond belief.
"Tanya. What were you doing up there. Tell me what were you doing- wait whats."
Tills father went quiet.
"You little shit you fucking- YOU FUCKING THINK YOU CAN PLAY PRETEND BOY IN THIS HOUSEHOLD?" He shrieked throwing his glass at the wall. Tills mothers head shot up and tried to calm down Tills father. "Honey please!"
Till knew how he found out, he accidentally left his binder on, and it was showing on my shoulder. "I- im- im sorry- please stop-" Till was close to tears. His father screamed at him regularly, but he was genuinely scared now, scared of how hurt he could get if he didn't run away.
But he couldn't move, he couldn't- all he could do wwas look at him scream at him. Until.
'Slap'
Tills face stung, he had been yelled at, he had been kicked out. But never hit, never ever hit. He needed to leave, he needed to go, where wasnt even a question on his mind. He just needed to get out. He ran up to his room and grabbed a bag and stuffed as many clothes as he could in there, took his spare phone and the money he saved up over 3 years in the bag. And jumped out the window.
The afternoon before.
Ivan stood infront of Tills locker, he was going to give him the notebook he left in science, ivan wasn't going to lie he did read through it, it had some basic.
Things- science notes, and also history notes aswell, but the drawings were incredible, there was one just random things but the 2 most noteworthy things he saw was a picture of his best friend mizi, she was drawn surprisingly accurate despite not even being in their science.
The other one was a drawing of.. him? It was a side profile, he looked.. pretty, he loved how pretty he looked- it made him smile by just looking at it. He shouldn't really but- did he care? No- he was loving the attention.
Ivan craved the attention- infact he craved attention in general. He is the star quater back of the football team, he is very popular, he has cool friends his bestest friend im the whole world mizi- a supportive dad- a sister who he loves. And the whole school on his side.
He was late for meeting mizi- they were gonna watch the heartstopper movie and cry while watching random disney movies- ya know the usual. But he couldn't just leave without giving the hottest guy in the whole school back his science notebook.
"HEY!! Till! I have your notebook!" Ivan screamed across the hall to Till.
"Oh- um- ok?" Till made his way over to Ivan, looking slightly confused but that didnt really matter when ivan just wanted to be near him.
"Here- I saw the drawings- do you do art?" Ivan questioned, knowing fully Till didnt do art and was just naturally good at everything.
"No? Um- I just sketch every now and then- why were you looking in there?" Ivan felt the flush creep up his neck and settle in his face.
"NO REASON! Just- I uhh- I wanted to see if you had the- the um... THE NOTES! I wanted to see if tou had the notes!" Ivan was stammering now, and the look on Tills face was... unreadable?
"You sure it was just for notes? Or.." Ivan had to fix this quickly- it would put their very close friendship in danger! I mean they've only talked a few times but those were the best conversations Ivan has ever had!
Like that time they were dissecting a heart- Ivan went on and on about this cool new movie- he thought Till would love, the protagonist had to extract a key from the heart of his lover!
But while talking- Till mightve gotten a bit sick- just a bit- a tiny bit-.
"Hello? Ivan? You.. alive?" Till was waving his hand infront of Ivans face.
"IJUSTWANTEDTOSEETHENOTESITSNOTLIKEIWASTRYINGTOFINDOUTWHATYOULIKESOWHENITELLYOUILOVEYOUICANGIVEYOUAPRESENTOK!" Ivan blurted out.
(For the readers, 'I just wanted to see the notes igs not like I was trying to find out what you like so when I tell you I love you I can give you a present ok!' :3)
Ivan never wanted to see the look on tills face again, the absolute disgust and horror on his face, Ofcourse he would have that face.
Why would the hottest guy in school like little old Ivan!
"J-just SHUT UP BYE GOODBYE TAKE YOUR BOOK!" Ivan ran out of the school, embarrassed with himself.
"I-ivan wait-" Tills voice was meeger but Ivan couldnt look at his hateful stare any longer. He ran out into the rain and looked over at Till, but couldn't accept he was rejected so he ran to mizis car which was waiting.
That evening
Mizi and Ivan were sitting down on Ivans couch binge watching heartstopper again it was the ritual after something happens in school.
"I cant belive he joins the rugby team- FOR A MAN!" Mizi threw popcorn at the screen.
"Come on you would 100% do that for sua- didnt you join the drama club for her? HEY SUA!-" Ivan called up to his sister. Knowing fully well Mizi had a massive crush on her.
"SHUT UP!" Mizi says while hitting him with the limited addition golden 50 inch dragon squishmellow.
"THATS LIMITED ADDITION!" Ivan shrieked as the popcorn and snacks fell on the floor. They both had a defeated look on their faces as they looked down at the discarded food.
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Mizi cried out, her arms up in the air. "WHYYYYYY!!!!" She looked defeated to say the least.
"Whats happening in here?" Sua walked into the sitting room and saw a defeated Mizi, sua then made it her mission to put a smile on mizis face at all costs. For world peace.
"IVAN!" sua shouted at the also defeated Ivan. "MIZIS HUNGERY! GO TO THE SHOP AND GET SNACKS!" Sua demanded with the anger of 1000 suns.
"YES MA'AM!" Ivan made a mock salute and marched into the hallway. He put on his varsity jacket, because you never know who your gonna see- he put on his lightning macqueen adult sized sketchers.
They light up when he jumps so it makes him happy, and he brought and umbrella. He also needed money so he took suas wallet.
****
Ivans walk to the shop was peaceful despite the rain, it was dark out though he hated walking in the dark. Good thing he was brought his headphones with him.
Ivan stopped to pick a song on his Spotify and it popped up in the recommendations. 'Jump back in, my chemical romance.'
Ivan tried to listen to song he thought Till would like. But after seeing the hatred in Tills eyes he couldnt bare it anymore.
So he put on 'Oliva rodrigo- Vampire' and continued his walk to the shop.
When he made it he picked up some of his favourite things, and mizis favourite obviously. He picked up smarties, crisps, sour gummies, and obviously a family pack of cookies.
He also picked up some icing because he is going to need the sugar tonight.
"Unexpected item in the bagging area!" The self checkout said to Ivan, as he realised he put the items in the wrong area. When he paid something caught his eye, or someone.
He saw Till, Till was outside the shop, without an umbrella, in the lashing rain, alone in the dark, he looked cold, 'it would be rude not to help-' Ivan thought to himself as he walked out.
He held the umbrella over Tills head, as he noticed how scared Till looked.
"Hey- hey whats wrong are you.-" Ivan stopped talking when he saw the two men who were trailing behind Till.
"We're they following you?" Ivans voice dropped down to a dangerous whisper. 'Till must be so upset and frightened, oh my lord he is unbelievably thin! Is he not being fed at home!?' Ivan thought to himself.
"They've been tailing me for 3 blocks-" Tills voice cracked, it sounded small and vulnerable. To Ivan at least, but Till thought he sounded nonchalant.
"Ill take care of them-" Ivan had turned into a freak of nature, giving Till the umbrella. Till tired to pull him back but there was no stopping a lovesick teenager desperate to protect and show off.
"HEY! you think you can follow him!" Ivan shouted at the two older men. Ivan stood tall. Unafraid.
"Yeah? Kid get out of our way we arent gonna hurt ya? Ok?" They both looked gruff and definitely shady, Ivan couldnt just leave Till like this!
"No. Your gonna leave him alone and your gonna do that right now!" Ivan demanded. He was getting soaked with the rain. His sketches were getting ruined!
One of the men stepped foward, pulling out a blade, now it definitely looked real, no doubt about that, but the look on Tills face said it all.
They pulled out a retractable prop knife- and attempted to scared ivan with it. One of them even tried to attack ivan.
When they threw the punch, ivan blocked with ease and retured with a counter punch which knocked the man off his feet. Ivan was more surprised at how easy it was to sweep him off his feet with one punch.
Till was shocked at how Ivan defended him. "Ivan.." Tills voice was small in Ivans ears. But in reality Till was just Purely shocked about how easy the guy fell.
The two men ran away, and Ivan looked back over at Till. "Do tou need me to walk you home?" Ivan stopped when he saw Tills face as it was, and it wasn't blinded by the rose coloured glasses ivan wore.
It was anxious, scared even not vulnerable or needy, just genuinely terrified of going home. Ivan then saw the backpack, and the red mark on his cheek.
"Can you go home?" Ivan questioned. He was more serious now.
"I- ...." Till went quiet, that was all th confirmation that Ivan needed. "You can stay at mine if you need.. YOU DDONT HAVE TO!! but if tou dont have anywhere to go-" Ivans face was red now.
"IVAN YOU GETTING SOAKED! YOUR TURNING RED BECAUSE OF THE COLD!!" Till rushed him under the umbrella.
"Could I stay at yours? Just for tonight?" Till asked, a hopeful spark in his eyes.
"Ofcourse! Lets walk there now!!" Ivan and Till started walking to Ivans house, the snacks in hand.