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“How much of this life have you thought of?”
The question was asked by a counseling teacher Nene knows ever since she entered this High School. Yet the question wasn’t greeted by an answer, instead by a confused look on the green-haired girl’s face.
She hasn’t thought about her life after high school pretty often ever since she joined WxS. But since the group had disbanded a while ago, Nene found herself in a loop of questions and confusions regarding her future. All the time she spent trying to be a world-class musical girl has led her to abandon some of her study time, leading to not so satisfying results on the report card—automatically decreasing the chances of Universities to be intrigued by her.
Nene sat in the third year now, without a large connection outside of school. If she had some, perhaps it’s Emu who hasn’t been able to be contacted lately; Tsukasa, whose existence is still a question after his departure from Japan; Rui… she doesn’t want to talk nor think about him.
“Look… As your counseling teacher, I don’t want you to suffer and live off trash while sleeping under the bridge, okay?” The said counseling teacher set down a piece of paper on top of the table. Written on the top part of it: My Future’. “I want you to write an essay about anything you like and what goal you want to achieve in the next month, year, and decade from now. Whether it’s formatted in an essay or whatever, I don’t care. I’ll be waiting in this room for the result. Next week. ” He got up and turned heel before leaving Nene alone inside of the counseling room.
She stared at it. The blank piece of paper who’s expecting her to write all about herself on it. Something she found difficult in doing so. What’s my goal? What’s the purpose of me doing this? She just wanted to stand there, hoping the clock tick would stop and leave her some space to answer every question swelling inside her mind. But the faint orange light of the setting sun arrives as a reminder of the fact that time cannot be stopped by hoping for it. It stays pursued, even when we have a problem and in-need of some sympathetic actions.
***
The room was dark, only a small hint of light that came from her table lighting it. Nene stared at the still empty paper, no pencil mark, no form of eraser dust nor there’s any crumpling on the paper as a sign of ideas being erased. She has none. No idea of any word that may fill this paper, no idea on what concept would she write this short description—an essay, a story, or perhaps a poem? She just wandered off into her mind, looking pale like she always has been this past few months.
A light knock on the door. The green-haired girl realized she’s still alive. When she looked back, a gentle and caring female voice from behind her room door. “May I come in?” The voice came from Nene’s mother, her heartfelt and warm tone set a contrast in between the cold room.
“Yes.” Nene answered coldly. Not looking at the door as it opened gently, revealing her mother figure and the worried look on her face.
“Have you eaten something yet?”
Nene shook her head. Her mother sat on the bed, leaning her weight back, using both hands to carry her upper body weight.
“Has there been a bad thing that might have happened to you?” She averted her gaze towards her daughter’ slumped figure
Nene sat on her chair, quiet, not turning around to look her mother in the eye.
Mrs. Kusanagi took a small sigh,, “You haven't touched any of the grapefruit I bought you, there must be something wrong, are there?”
Grapefruit, Nene used to like the taste of it. But ever since that day, she finds it hard to not relate it to him every time she pops one into her mouth .
“Is it because of the disbandment? Or is it because of school? Or perhaps it’s about him—”
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Nene almost snapped, her eyes went wide when she turned to look at her mother.
The room stayed under an awkward silence for a few minutes. Nene shifts her gaze back at the blank paper. The question mark she had drawn a moment ago portrayed her current situation. Confused, mindlessly looking for something yet not discovered in her life.
She never wanted the troupe to be disbanded, yet it all happened like rain. Little by little, they start to lose chemistry. The once laughter filled stage slowly turns into a plain structure without any emotion around it. The recess time filled humorous jokes and shenanigans slowly fade away into a monotoned training session. The climax hits when Tsukasa and Rui graduated High school and planned to leave Japan to study abroad and explore the world, leaving Nene without a clear figure to call ‘friend’.
The crack of the bed under one’s pressure makes the silent breath, “If there's something that makes your heart feel heavy. I'll always be there if you need to talk.” Said her mother before leaving the room.
A subtle grumble came from Nene’s abdomen soon following her mother’s departure. But she's a bit too shy to go down and eat dinner with the rest of her family. Yet the hunger in her stomach isn't something to ignore. It's a cry from a body who had been left empty for a day.
Clutching her sore stomach, Nene eyes catches a purplish blue hoodie she hid under the table some time ago. A good memory from a part of her youth came by, bringing him back to her mind.
She shifted her gaze into the curtain closed window near her table. The fabric waves momentarily, confirming that light winds are striking the city tonight. Remembering that winter is near, getting out without any warm covering would be a suicide attempt for her.
Nene looked around her room, pants slipped under the chair, shirts scrambled everywhere, and shorts piling up under her bed. Yet there's no hint of a warm clothing other than her uniform blazer, which she knew she'd wear tomorrow and would prefer not to get it dirty before the time to wash it.
Mom must've taken the pile of jackets I put near the bed. She thought as her eyes gaze upon the empty space next to her bed, before looking back at the purplish blue hoodie, then I guess there's no more option…
***
The wind blows lightly yet coldly that night. Nene’s step was accompanied by her frequent shivering, even when the purplish hoodie who was supposed to give her warmth was defeated by winter easily. Yet she stroll on without a care, passing by the empty street with only some stranger with more seasoned proper clothing passing by.
Not long after, Nene came out of the convenience store. Finding herself buying two pieces of onigiri and a bottle of cheap green tea, the green-haired girl found herself looking for a place to eat them. The convenience store table was already occupied by online drivers or a group of youngsters who want to enjoy their time together even in cheap places. Their laughter caught Nene’s attention, the mix of joy and sorrow poured on one of the friend’s stories made her reminisce about the time when WxS still had all of its members. They would spend all of their weekend training or having dumb meetings about what the next script they will adapt into a show.
Those times are gone now... Nene starts her walk once more, this time to search for a place to eat.
Not long after the supermarket departure, Nene found an empty bench at a quiet park. It was a regular park bench made from wood with metal railing for the hand-rest, the only difference it served from the other was the street lamp providing a ray of light to it. From far, it seemed as if the lamp was blessing the bench with a much needed light in the dark of night.
The taste of the green-tea savory flavor and onigiri’s salmon-mayo creaminess mixed well inside of the green-haired girl's mouth. She had just finished her dinner, planning to leave after the bottle of green-tea finished. Yet her plan would be halted by the sudden appearance of a purple-haired figure approaching from afar.
“Nene?” His voice makes Nene’s gaze shift from staring into the dark of the night sky into his golden eyes and purple bangs. “What are you doing here; this late.”
“Rui…” She repeated his name on her mouth, trying to find the sweet taste she had forgotten.
Rui’s gold eyes look up and down at her body like a scanner, “don’t you feel cold? Training pants and that thin hoodie isn’t something nice to wear in this weather, you know? And are those the hoodie I gave you back at my high school graduation?"
“I have no option.” She answered short, averting her gaze from his.
“Don’t you have warmer clothes than this? I remember giving you a scarf for Christmas last year.”
Ah… that scarf… How can she possibly explain to him that that fabric had been disposed of ever since the disbandment?
“Here,” Rui took off the blue-scarf he’s wearing, “Take mine.” He proceeded to drape it around her neck.
Nene didn’t budge, she wanted to, but accounting for the low temperature. She decided to submit, just this time.
“So…how has life been?” Rui spoke, sitting next to her. While doing so, his eyes caught a gleam of the two empty onigiri packs and the half drunken green-tea, “Let me guess, not so good?”
She didn't reply. Leaving the question hanged in the awkward air.
“Have you been eating properly? It’s rare for you to not buy any grapefruit jelly when we visit the convenience store.”
“It's none of your business…”
“Oya, why’s the cold shoulder?" he spoke, the trademarked cat-like grin appeared on his face.
She still sat silent. Letting the awkwardness and quiet feeling envelope the atmosphere between them.
This time, Rui didn't fight back. His grin was gone, he sat quietly. Silently observing the broken-hearted childhood-friend next to him.
Time passed slowly, in the same pace as the white snow that fell from the sky. Rui couldn't hold the awkwardness anymore, he decided to spoke,
"Hey Nene…” His tone switches from the usual playful and teasing he's used to, into a more serious one. “Are you mad at me…”
There was no answer from the green-haired girl. At least not until a few seconds later.
“Mad…at you?” She spoke, her voice sounding like a hurt canary.
"You're not the type who ignore someone who's talking to you, even though you rarely make eye contacts, you still answer most of the question thrown into you.”
"Well… I guess… I'm a bit mad at you." Nene voice started to crack, her eyes start to reflect the light from the lamp.
“Why though?"
Once again, she just stay silent. Holding beack her cry that was about to burst, and the broken heart that felt like it about to explode.
"Is it because the disbandment…?" Rui said in a slow paced voice. Trying to leave some space for Nene between his inquiries.
“I-it's not only that…” Nene finally spoke,
"I'm afraid Rui, I'm afraid. I don't know where my life's heading… I don't know what to do after high school, all of my youth I've spent in a dream that felt too high for me to grasp, ending me in a state of confusion in the bottom of a pit called life. After that came your graduation, taking the only person who I felt the only one who might understand me…” Her voice crack ever so slightly, tears start streaming from the girl’s violet eyes.
"I-im sorry to hear that…”
Between her cracking breaths, Nene continue to talk, “Ever since, you graduated… I felt like I was the loneliest person in this planet. No friends to play with, nor there's partner to chatter and explain my situation to.”
Nene look at him with a tearful eyes, the usual usual indifference and annoyed look on her face. Now changed and dissolved into a frown and unstoppable stream of tears.
"I love you Rui, I love you! Why did you have to leave me alone!?”
Rui’s hearts felt as if it have stop beating for split second; his eyes when wide; and he suddenly felt nervous creeped into his stomach. His friend, the childhood-friend he have left behind a few months ago. Has confessed her feelings to him, yet he doesn't know what to do.
"This might sound selfish…but... just for this night, can you accompany me for the last time?”