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Rainbow Dash couldn’t remember the last time she’d had fun without feeling guilty about it.
She’d been lying on the couch for nearly an hour, staring at the television without actually watching it. Some sitcom played quietly in the background, its laugh track filling the apartment at all the wrong moments.
She’d forgotten what it felt like to enjoy herself without feeling guilty about it.
Every time Rainbow laughed, every time she went out with friends, every time she found herself having a genuinely good time, there was a little voice in the back of her head reminding her that Applejack wasn’t.
Maybe that was the greatest vengeance she could have.
Learning to enjoy again.
Not because she wanted to hurt Applejack. Not because she wanted to forget what happened.
Just because she was tired of letting someone else’s grief swallow her whole.
She hoped Applejack got the message. Nobody was shatter-resistant.
“Shit.” Rainbow dragged both hands over her face and sank further into the couch.
She missed her. God, she missed her.
Missed how vibrant she used to be, missed her laughter and the little girly giggles that would slip past her lips, missed her smile and how bright it was. Most importantly, Dash missed how alive AJ used to be.
Now she was just a shadow of the girl she used to be. Walking around like a storm cloud followed her, drinking every night and passing out in the back while Dash slept on the couch.
Dash tried to get Applejack into therapy. She really did.
AJ lasted about one session before quitting. She had said to Dash, “Therapy is tiring.” Her sun-bleached blonde hair was a mess, her father’s Stetson on her head like she glued it on. Her eyes swollen, red, she looked like she’d gotten no sleep in decades.
Dash had chewed on her lip, carefully considering her words before replying, “But so is hiding how you feel.”
It amazed her how fast their conversations had changed. They were once filled with laughter, jokes, love.
She’d joke to applejack, “you can bring the villainy, and I can bring the sex appeal.”
That was the last time she could remember Applejack laughing. The last time she’d seen something bright behind her green eyes.
Dash let out a quiet sigh and reached for the remote. The TV shut off and left her alone in the silence of the dark living room.
She ran her hand through her messy rainbow hair. It was pretty grown out, she hadn’t had the time to re-dye it. Her mind was too preoccupied with other shit.
Her gaze travelled to her phone. The screen was lit up, but there were no new messages.
She couldn’t remember the last time her and AJ had spoken. They lived in the same apartment but felt like strangers.
Apart from her quick glances and hasty nods, Applejack felt like a ghost. The only evidence she actually lived there were her muddy boots by the front door, and her flannels in laundry baskets.
Sometimes Dash wanted to scream, “Leave me, something! Anything. Evidence you’re still there, that you’re ok.” But she’d bitten her tongue.
She kept waiting. Waiting for Applejack to come back to her. Waiting for Applejack to talk to her. Waiting for proof that the girl she loved more than herself was still there.
She wanted to yell, “Either give me something, or let me out!” She hated herself for it. She felt so fucking guilty.
But she needed out. Out of this apartment, out of this cycle of misery, out of her own head.
She was starving. Not for food. For her.
Starving for any sign of connection Applejack could give her. A word. A smile. A stupid joke. Anything.
She was starving for something that was so out of reach. She craved AJ’s warm touch, just to feel it once again.
Applejack was in a never ending cycle. She’d push Dash away, retreating behind another bottle or cigarette. Locking herself in her room, her sobs echoing off the thin walls of the apartment.
Then she’d pull Dash close, begging her not to leave her as tears rolled down her flushed cheeks. She’d cling onto Dash like she was a lifeline, fingers digging into Dash’s flesh like AJ was afraid she’d disappear.
Even in those moments, AJ’s touch was cold. They’d lay in bed. Applejack would sob into Dash’s chest and soak her shirt. Dash would run her fingers through blonde hair and whisper how it would all be ok.
But would it really be ok?
Dash was sick of waiting for the start of things that she wanted, this happily ever after felt like nightmare that she couldn’t escape.
She loved AJ so much it hurt. She’d scream it from the rooftops, she’d crawl on her hands and knees to worship the ground the blonde walked on.
But recently, she was standing on the edge of the roof. Her throat burning, trying to scream with no sound coming out. Her palms and knees were scraped and bloody from crawling across gravel, desperately trying to catch up to the blonde.
Countless times she’d tried to talk to Applejack. And just like clockwork, AJ would shut her out every single time. Choking on her words, making up excuses, and swallowing the things she really wanted to say before they could even reach her lips.
Dash didn’t need AJ to have all the answers. She didn’t need her to stop hurting. She didn’t even need her to be joyful all the time.
She just wanted her to fucking talk to her. To stop hiding behind all the alcohol. She wanted Applejack to call her when she couldn’t handle it alone. She wanted to be the person AJ reached for, the one she trusted enough to let into the mess.
She longed for stability in this messy, uncertain relationship, for Applejack to actually commit to letting herself get better.
She wanted AJ to stop being so damn ambivalent. Her mood swings were beginning to make Dash dizzy.
She just wanted to know that when everything else fell apart, there would still be a place for her beside Applejack.
She wanted to be there. Not as a replacement for the people AJ had lost, and not as someone who could make the pain disappear.
Just as Rainbow.
Her girlfriend. Her best friend. Her person.
She just wanted Applejack to be her emergency contact.
Dash constantly felt like she was balanced on a razor blade. One wrong move, and she’d fall. She’d been tiptoeing around Applejack, terrified that one wrong step would send everything crashing down.
Loving AJ was like licking a battery.
A sharp little shock. Dangerous enough to make her flinch, but never enough to make her stop reaching for it.
Maybe that was what scared her most.
Even now, with everything between them fraying at the edges, Rainbow still wanted her.
The sound of her phone ringing drew her from her thoughts. She glanced toward her phone. The screen lit up with a photo of Dash and AJ, the words ‘Jackie’ sprawled across the top.
She sat up straight and practically lunged for her phone. She answered the call, Applejack’s face filling the screen.
“Jackie?” Dash said, she felt a deep sense of relief seeing AJ’s face. Her gaze scanned Applejack’s background.
Red LED lights, solo cups abandoned on furniture, people laughing in the back.
“Jackie? Where are you?” Anxiety crawled beneath her skin, leaving her restless and uncomfortable.
AJ’s mouth opened, but Dash couldn’t make out what she was saying. Her phone speakers couldn’t handle the bass of the loud music. “AJ, I can’t hear you.”
Applejack’s eyebrows raised slightly before she moved to a quiet corner. “I’m, err— Pinkie threw a party. Thought I’d go.”
Dash bit her lip, gnawing at the skin. “You ok, Jackie?” Her voice came out quiet, strangled like it came from the back of her throat.
“I’m fine. Everybody needs to stop fuckin’ askin’ me that.” Applejack grumbled.
“Uh, you look good under the LEDs.” Dash was desperate to change the conversation, scared she was pushing AJ to the edge.
“Thanks, sugar cube.” Applejack’s hand came up to scratch the back of her neck.
“Why’d you call me? Do you need me to drive you home?” Dash was already reaching for her jacket next to her on the couch.
“No. I just.. wanted to see your face.”
“God, Jackie! What does that even mean? What’s going on?” Her heart was pounding, dread was creeping up her spine, grasping at her bones and slowly consuming her.
“Nothin’. Is it such a crime to want to call my girlfriend?” AJ’s brows were scrunched together.
Dash tried to bite her tongue, tried to keep the words from flowing out, but it’s hard to keep silent for so long. “What the fuck! You don’t talk to me, and then you just call me. For no fucking reason!” Her voice cracked slightly.
“Leave me, something! Give me something to fucking work with instead of these meaningless conversations.” Dash could feel her throat tightening, tears threatening to spill.
“Dash, what’re you-“ AJ’s words slurred slightly. Her accent a bit thicker than usual.
“Are you drunk? Shit, let me out. Oh, my god, I’m starving, AJ. I’m fucking starving for you to just come back to me. You don’t even talk to me. You choke on your words, but you swallow them faster.” A tear rolled down Dash’s cheek. She angrily wiped it away and sniffled frustratedly.
The other line was quiet. Dash ran a hand through her hair, tangling her fingers into the colourful strands and tugging.
“Just want you to be my emergency contact.” She muttered. Hot tears spilled down her face, but she felt nothing. She was exhausted, so fucking exhausted.
She wanted her AJ back. She remembered months before the funeral, before the drinking, before their conversations became riddles Rainbow so desperately tried to decode.
She remembered one random night. They’d been lying in bed, half-asleep, their limbs tangled together, Applejack’s head resting on Dash’s shoulder. She couldn’t remember what they’d been talking about, probably some bullshit.
She remembered Applejack laughing. She remembered the warmth of her against her side. She remembered the feel of Applejack’s lips kissing her face.
And she remembered AJ looking at her with that stupid sleepy smile, her voice groggy when she said, “you’re my angel.”
Rainbow had laughed and told her she was full of shit.
Applejack had only smiled wider and replied, “I’m serious, you’re a fuckin’ angel.”
That was the Applejack Rainbow wanted back.
Not the girl who never answered her texts. Not the girl who disappeared behind locked doors and bottles.
Her.
The girl who looked at Rainbow like she was something worth keeping.
“Rainbow?” Dash blinked, a few tears dripping onto her phone screen. Applejack was still there on the screen.
Her eyes were red. Her hair was messy. Her face looked tired.
But for just a second, Rainbow could see her again. Not the grief-stricken girl she’d been trying so desperately to reach, but the Applejack she’d fallen in love with. “You still there, sugar cube?”
Dash swallowed. “Yeah,” she whispered. “I’m here.”
“Fuck- I’m sorry. I’m comin’ home now.” The sound of rustling filled the empty room. Dash let out a sigh.
“I’ll come get you.. just stay there.” She stood up and reached for her jacket.
“Dash?” AJ’s voice was quiet, softer than before.
“Yeah?” She slipped her jacket on and grabbed her phone. Dash started to move around the room, searching for her keys.
“You’re my angel..” Dash froze, her gaze fixed on her phone screen. Fuck, she wanted to start sobbing. “All mine...” Applejack whispered.
Dash’s grip on her phone tightened. She swallowed hard, her unshed sobs burning her throat.
“I’m coming, Jackie.”