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Branzy knows to expect the stress and surprises that comes with Lifesteal. That's just how Lifesteal is. One always has to be on the lookout for sudden changes and new threats to fear. Alliances can change on a whim, teams can be formed or disbanded in a single day, someone can find a new dangerous way to kill people without the victim ever suspecting it. That was Lifesteal.
But it's one thing to expect it, to hear about it happening to other people, to even be the cause of it, and a completely different thing to actually experience it first hand. Branzy knows that, too. He's been the victim to a fair amount of betrayals and traps, he knows what it's like. But just because he has experience with it doesn't mean it got anymore pleasant the more that it happened, especially when this time seems to have struck a certain nerve he didn't even know he had.
He should just brush it off, move on from it like he's done several times before, keep pushing forward because that's the only way to survive a place like this. Logically, he knows he doesn't need to dwell on this. He knows what his mistake was, he doesn't need to keep ruminating on it any longer. What's the point of that?
It was one thing Branzy hated about his brain. He likes to think he's smart, people tell him he is, and he knows he can read people better than most. He has a much better grasp on emotions and how they work than most people here, and usually uses that knowledge to his advantage to get people to like him.
There are times, though, where he gets too in his head about certain things. Something happens and he finds himself thinking about it way more than he should, analyzing every aspect of it past the point of it being a good use of his time and his anxieties start to get the better of him. Ways he could be better, ways he failed, the lies people have told him and what that means for his entire relationship with them, hard realities he has been trying to avoid that suddenly smack him in the face and make him face them. It completely takes over his thoughts, making it nearly impossible for him to focus on the tasks he wants or even needs to do. It becomes the only thing he can focus on, until something bigger eventually happens to finally pull his mind in a different direction.
Branzy is so, so tired of this. He's exhausted in general, and he's sure all of this overthinking isn't helping. Lifesteal is an exhausting place, everyone knows that, but there are times it feels worse than normal, which is exactly how Branzy is currently feeling. Like he barely has the energy to exist, let alone do anything actually productive. There were things he had to get done, business he had to attend to because his life was on the line, but after all of that was taken care of? He just wanted to lay down for a while and pray the world forgets he exist.
So, that's exactly what he's doing. He finished all of his necessary tasks for today, ignored as many people as he could without getting killed in the process, and had retreated to a secret base where no one will find him. Hopefully. Ideally. One can never be too sure, but at this point he doesn't think he cares anymore.
He laid curled on his side, blanket and pillows a comfortable mess around him. Sleep isn't exactly the goal, but he is definitely far too awake for his liking, brain way too loud for him to feel at all relaxed. He wishes there was an off switch for it, sometimes, some way for him to get it to shut up and just let him exist without constantly plaguing him with thoughts. All of the usual methods of calming down he hears from others never seem to work for him, and the methods that do work only do so occasionally. Really, his brain just seems to hate him, and he sincerely wishes he had the energy to do something about it aside from just let it happen.
Thoughts and memories and feelings replaying over and over again, realizations and hard truths presenting themselves clearly to him in ways he really wish they wouldn't. Thoughts like maybe, Lifesteal isn't the place for him. Maybe, it's all too much, and he needs to leave and spend his life doing something else. Maybe, he should run away from it all, because what is the good part in staying? Whatever vague sense of safety he may have had before is shattered now, so he really doesn't see the point in continuing like this.
The feelings aren't permanent. He knows that. He knows they'll pass with time, or something will happen that will get his feelings to flip right back to how they were before, or that he'll accept yet again that he does like it here, despite all the negatives that come with it. But that doesn't change the fact that right now? He really doesn't want to keep living like this.
But even if he did leave, where would he go? What would he do? What guarantee did he have that it would be any better anywhere else? Lifesteal has it's drawbacks, of course it does, but so does everywhere else. How can he be sure that he wouldn't be leaving for somewhere worse? Is that a risk he wants to take? If he does leave, if he does go somewhere else and ends up hating it there too, will he be able to come back? Is it worth it to try?
He lets out a heavy breath. He is so, so tired of all of this. If he had it his way, he would be asleep right now, but his brain doesn't like to listen to him very much. There isn't any point in thinking on this so much, in stressing himself out and making himself upset when he knows in the end nothing is going to change. His brain does not seem to get the message. It rarely does when he wants it to.
...he didn't hear anything. At least, he doesn't think he did. Nothing should be different or new about where he is, and yet, he got this distinct feeling that he's no longer alone. He also suspects he knows exactly who's with him now. Branzy seems to be developing some sort of sense for him at this point.
His sense is confirmed when suddenly there's a weight on top of him.
"Are you moping?"
Branzy frowned at the question, despite something warm breaking through the cold hollowness in his chest he hadn't even registered until now. "No."
"Hm..." a hand comes up and starts brushing through his hair, claws gently scratching his scalp. Branzy's breath stutters, and he finds himself starting to relax under it. "I dunno, Branzy. Kinda seems like you're moping to me."
Branzy, quite honestly, does not have the energy to try to explain why he is not moping, so instead he opens his eyes and turns his head to glare at the man half laying on top of him. His eyes land on a very familiar mask, and the two stare at each other silently for a few moments, before Clown nods.
"Yeah, you are. Care to tell me what happened?"
The words sound like a threat, but Branzy knows it's just a genuine question. A question which he can't help but scrunch his nose up at, before turning his head back to rest comfortably against the pillow.
It's not that he doesn't have the words to explain it, and it's definitely not that he doesn't trust Clown with them. He has more than enough words to explain what happened and why it's bothering him so much, just what nerve it struck him at, but god, does he not have the energy to voice any of those thoughts. It's one thing to think them, to have them float around in his head, and a complete other thing to actually say them out loud. He would much rather not, if he's being completely honest.
Thankfully, after getting no response for a few long moments, Clown seems to get the message. He gets up from his spot half on top of Branzy and walks away, leaving Branzy to mourn his warmth. If it was anyone else, Branzy might think he's gone for good, but he knows Clown better than that. There might be a lot of shitty things about Lifesteal, a lot of uncertainties and unpredictability, but if there's one thing Branzy knows, if there's one constant in his life here, it's Clown. Clown and his inability to leave Branzy alone at any given moment. The thought makes a smile tug at Branzy's lips despite his otherwise sour mood.
"I don't need to kill anyone, do I?" Clown asks, the sound of rustling fabric and leather coming from his direction. Branzy grimaces, his gut churning unpleasantly at the thought. It's a kind sentiment, and there are times he takes Clown up on it, but he thinks that'll only make his current situation worse. He makes a low noise to refuse Clown's offer.
Clown doesn't say anything more, continuing to what Branzy assumes is take off most of his gear and maybe even change into his night clothes. Branzy is already in his night clothes and has absolutely no intentions of going outside anytime soon, which means Clown will likely join him if he doesn't already have plans. There are times Branzy hates how well he can read people, times where he wishes he could just live in ignorant bliss instead, but this was one of the times where he was really thankful for it. It's reassuring to be able to guess what Clown is about to do.
There's a weight on the bed in front of him, and Branzy opens his eyes to see Clown half tucking himself into bed next to him. His eyes instantly lock onto the assassin's face, which is actually visible now without his mask. It's by far not the first time he's seen Clown's face, but it's an uncommon enough occurrence that it still catches Branzy by surprise every time it happens. Clown looks over and locks eyes with him, before smiling, a sight that makes warmth flutter through the coldness still embedded inside of Branzy.
"Come here, Branzy," is all Clown has to say for Branzy to listen. He scoots over, Clown reaching out and pulling him closer until Branzy is laying on his chest. Branzy wraps his arms around the taller man's torso, tucking his head under Clown's chin and nuzzling into his chest. Clown's arms wrap around his back, one hand trailing up to start brushing through his hair and scratch gently against his scalp again. Branzy's eyes fall shut as his body almost instantly begins to relax, sinking into the taller man comfortably.
"Do you want me to talk about something?" Clown asks. Branzy can hear the unsureness in his tone he's clearly trying to hide, and it makes a smile tug at his lips. While he's a bit better than he used to be, Clown is so out of his depth when it comes to dealing with and handling emotions in a way that doesn't involve killing or fighting anyone. Branzy can't help but find it strangely adorable, how unsure he clearly is yet how hard he tries anyway. It's endearing.
He hums, which Clown takes as the yes that it is and starts talking about how his day was. Branzy can feel the vibrations of his voice under him, the sensation easing him even more and allowing his muscles to untense. Clown's voice is soothing, it's sound and the warmth of his body against Branzy's a good distraction against the thoughts still pestering Branzy.
Truthfully, Branzy's mind does still wander to places it shouldn't, to feelings and realizations he's already had and pondered and thought to death by now. But it's easier to pull himself away from them when he has Clown's voice to make himself focus on. Clown is a very welcome distraction at the moment, which also seems to be Clown's preferred method of helping when violence is out of the question.
It's comforting, laying in Clown's arms as his words start switching to whatever topic is on his mind. At some point, Branzy realizes that he is finally falling into some sort of half consciousness, mind retreating to some sort of dream world while still somewhat aware of his surroundings. If Clown notices, he doesn't take it as a sign to stop talking, which Branzy is thankful for. Even though he feels much more relaxed like this, he still doesn't trust his brain to be left in silence at the moment.
Except then there's silence. He doesn't know when or how long it takes him to notice, but he suddenly he becomes aware of it. Just as he frowns and is about to poke Clown to urge him to continue, he is suddenly pushed off of the assassin and forced onto his back. His eyes shoot open, blinking them rapidly as his mind struggles to pull itself fully back to reality, heart pounding loudly in his chest. He looks up at Clown, who is now looming over him and staring at him with an intensity Branzy can't immediately discern.
Well, if there's one person who can successfully pull Branzy from his thoughts by catching him completely by surprise, it's definitely Clown.
The two continue to stare at each other before Clown finally speaks. "You're still not talking."
Branzy gives him a confused and slightly irritated look. He still does not have the energy for words, he's done enough talking with too many people already, he doesn't want to be forced to talk right now either. But before the silence stretches on for too long, Clown is suddenly dropping himself on top of Branzy, nuzzling his face in the crook of his neck and wrapping his arms tightly around the shorter man's torso.
"That's fine, I'll do enough talking for the both of us," Clown says, pressing a gentle kiss to Branzy's neck. Branzy can't help the breath of relief that leaves him as he wraps his arms around Clown, eyes slipping shut yet again under the comforting weight of the other man.
Clown starts rambling again about nothing in particular, and Branzy is once again thankful for the noise. Sometimes, Clown will stop or pause to leave another kiss on his neck or even his cheek, before settling back down and continuing on. It makes a smile form on Branzy's lips before he's even aware of it, his chest feeling much warmer and lighter than before.
And like this, it's much harder to not fall asleep. Which is perfectly fine by Branzy as long as Clown stays with him. Which, he has a sneaking suspicion he absolutely will.