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Peter could feel the uncomfortable wood of the chair in the principal’s waiting room underneath him. He’d been sitting here for the past twenty minutes and he hadn’t even done anything wrong! It’s really not his fault that his teachers can’t handle the truth. He was severely sleep deprived at the moment so his brain to mouth filter wasn’t working very well… not that it ever was working particularly great. But this time it was even less functional than normal. And that is exactly why he was in this mess right now.
And what was it that he failed to keep to himself? It all started when he dozed off in the middle of his robotics class. He was just catching up on some of the sleep he lost during his patrol the previous night, you’re welcome douchebags BTW, when his teacher got the bright idea to ask him a question. He obviously hadn’t heard what it was since the kid was asleep, catch up teach’! so he got scolded for napping during school hours.
And well, he decided to hell with it and in true Parker- Stark sass fashion told the unassuming fool that he doesn’t really need to pay attention since he could basically fix the Iron Man suit in his sleep, so he didn’t need this class anyway.
As you can imagine the teacher was not thrilled with that response, hence the hard wood digging into Peter’s skin and the absolute waste of his afternoon.
“Peter Parker, you can come in.” Principal Moritia’s voice came from behind the ornate door to his office.
Peter sighed deeply with way too much exhaustion for a sixteen year old and got up to go meet his doom. He got crashed by a building once, blipped and hit by a train, this couldn’t be that bad… right?
“Hello, Mr. Parker.” Mr. Moritia greeted him after the boy finally walked into the room.
“Hello, Mr. Moritia.” he responded, trying not to sound too done with this whole day.
“As I understand it, you have been sent here for disrespectful behavior during class and falling asleep in said class?” the man raised his eyebrows at the teen standing awkwardly before him.
“Well, with all due respect, sir, I don't think I was being disrespectful. I was just telling the truth.” Peter offered a not that helpful explanation.
“So you claim that you are actually capable of basically fixing the Iron Man suit in your sleep?” he looked up from the paper, he no doubt read the quote from, to stare disbelievingly at Peter.
“Yhh yes, sir.” The teen knew this was a bad idea, but was way too stubborn to give up now. After all, he had actually done the task described, multiple times.
“I know you’re a smart kid Mr. Parker, but doesn’t this seem a bit farfetched to you? And regardless of your mechanical capabilities, you have still fallen asleep in class and disrespected a teacher.” A determined, solemn look appeared on the principal’s face. “Therefore I have no choice, but to call your parents. Please give me the number to your mother.” He looked expectantly at Peter, phone ready to put in the number and call his mother.
Now Peter could’ve just given the man Pepper’s number and been done with it, he did consider her his mother and legally, that is what she was. But, he woke up and chose violence today, so instead he decided to be a little shit about this.
“Sir… my mother is dead. I’m an orphan.” Peter said, completely used to having to repeat this multiple times, anytime the topic of either parent was brought up.
“Oh.” Mr. Moritia exclaimed at a loss for words. “I’m so sorry, your father’s number then.”
Peter looked him dead in the eyes as he let out a long breath.
“Sir, do you know what the word ‘orphan’ means? He’s dead too.”
“Mr. Parker, there really is no need to joke about both your parents being dead, I’m sure you can see this situation warrants maturity and not insensitive jests.” He truly did look so disappointed in the poor kid.
“But… I’m not joking? Both of my parents really are dead?” Peter was truly confused now. Didn’t he have his files? It wasn’t exactly a secret that Richard and Mary Parker have been deceased for years now.
“You don’t seem very distraught about that fact though.” The suspicion in the man’s voice shined clear as day.
“Because I didn’t really know them? They died when I was four, my aunt and uncle raised me.” The boy smiled sadly at the memory of Uncle Ben and Aunt May.
“Fine. I would like the number to one of them then. The one that’s alive preferably.” he sighed.
And damn him, but now Peter was close to tears. Neither of them were alive anymore either. They both died because he couldn’t save them in time. His entire family was dead because of him.
“They…” his voice broke before he could get the truth out. “They both died too.” Peter finished in a whisper, barely stopping himself from letting out a full on sob right then and there.
Seeing the state he was in, Mr. Moritia didn’t dare question the words this time.
“Well, there must be someone we could contact? A legal guardian? Someone who’s taking care of you now?” he gently implored. As bad as he felt for reminding the teen about everyone he’d lost, he couldn’t just let him off the hook.
“Yeah, there is someone you could call.” Peter replied, getting himself together for the time being. “My adoptive parents, they’ve been taking care of me since even before Aunt May died.” A fond smile appeared on his face while thinking about his Dad and Aunt and how they’d always bicker about what was best for him.
“Very well then, what would their names be?”
“Have you ever heard of Tony Stark and Virginia Potts?” Peter said with a sheepish smile.
“Mr. Parker, this really is not the time for stupid jokes and lies!” The principal was very clearly losing his patience for what he thought were Peter’s lies.
“How many times today do I have to tell you, sir, I am not joking nor am I lying.” Peter was nearly at his limit as well. He realised how outlandish it sounded, he really did. Some poor orphan from Queens not only knows, but has been adopted by The Tony Stark and Pepper Potts? Well, it’s not as unlikely as some people might think, Tony does have a habit of adopting young souls in shitty situations as a coping mechanism to all his trauma, but that is not the point here.
“Do you truly expect me to believe that Tony Stark and Pepper Potts are your guardians? How gullible do you think I am Mr. Parker.” Mr. Moritia looked incredulously at the younger of the two.
“I take it from this conversation that not very.” Peter exhaled tiredly. “But I promise, I can prove it. I can call Da- Mr. Stark right now.” He looked pleadingly to the man on the other side of the desk he was standing in front of.
He really should’ve kept his mouth shut in that robotics class today, this shit isn’t worth it. He already had a bunch of texts from Happy asking him where he was and telling him that if he didn’t respond in the next half an hour he could probably expect Tony in the suit to show up at the school, a few missed calls from the man himself and even a worried text from Pepper. His principal and teacher were in deep shit. Keeping him here over something like this? Dad was gonna be mad.
“Alright then, let’s see what Tony Stark has to say about all this.” Mr. Moritia agreed sceptically, undoubtedly ready to catch the teen in his supposed lie.
Peter exhaled in relief and took out his phone to call Tony. He just prayed that he’d pick up. The phone rang and not even after a full ring the worried voice of his father filled the office.
“Peter! Oh thank god! You better have a good explanation for why you’re not home yet, kid. I’ve been worrying myself sick, thinking you might’ve gotten yourself kidnapped again, or that your idiot ass got shot fighti-”
“Mr. Stark! Please calm down.” Peter interrupted him before Tony could accidentally reveal his secret identity as Spider- man. “I’m fine, no one kidnapped or shot me… this time.” At the last bit Mr. Moritia looked like he might call bullshit once more, but he clearly decided to see what else was going to happen.
“Mr. Stark?! Ohhh no, nope. You haven’t called me that in over two years Roo. Out with it, what’s wrong. Are you at gun point?! Is someone telling you what to say and you can’t get out of it?! Wait- ARE YOU ACTUALLY A SKRULL PRETENDING TO BE MY SON?! I SWEAR WHEN I GET YOU-” he was once again interrupted by Peter who was just desperately trying to prevent his very concerned now principal from finding out things he wasn’t supposed to know.
“NO, NOOOO. Dad, please, for the remaining bits of my sanity, stop talking for a minute and let me explain, ‘kay?” Peter really loved his Dad, but right now he would give anything for him not to be so… Tony Stark.
“Yeah, alright. You got sixty seconds, kid. Or I’m telling Harley about who really ate his Oreos last week and don’t even try with me, I know damn well it wasn’t Clint.”
“OKAY, OKAY. Cool it with the threats, old man. I’m getting to it.” Peter scrambled to get the whole story in time so that he wouldn't have to face the wrath of his oreoless boyfriend.
“Okay, so you know how I might have maybe not really gotten a lot of sleep last night because I was home late from my ‘walk through the neighbourhood’? Yeah so-”
“Kid you do know that I know what your ‘ walk through the neighbourhood’ actually entails, right? So you can just say that you were out pa-” Tony cut in, with a very unhelpful comment.
“YES. I know that you know Dad, BUT my principal who is currently in the room with me doesn’t and you’re on speaker, so I’d really appreciate it if you SHUT THE HELL UP." The teen did try to remain calm, but it was getting harder and harder with his father being so obliviously stupid.
“Oh- wait, your principal? What the heck is he doing there? And does this have anything to do with why you’re not home yet and Bucky is threatening to let Sam have your portion of dinner if you don’t show up in the next five minutes?” realization hit Tony like a ton of bricks, but he didn’t acknowledge the other man’s presence in the room at all. He just kept talking to his son, hoping to get an explanation with the child’s food on the line.
“WHAT?! Tell Uncle Bucky and Sam to leave. My. Food. Alone. Or I swear I will send Knifey after them.” Peter was not a big fan of his uncles at the moment. The Tower had so many amazing cooks that it often created wars for the last bits of dinner, he’d be damned if he didn’t even get his regular portion! And today Aunt Nat was cooking too! On the rare occasions that she actually stepped into the kitchen to make anything without sugar in it, it was the best food you could find in all of NYC. So it surely warranted sending his knife equipped Roomba after the people willing to risk his wrath by consuming his food.
“Erghm, Mr. Parker, Mr. Stark-” Mr. Moritia clearly didn’t find protecting Peter’s meal nearly as important as whatever it was that got a stick up his ass. “If we could please get to the point some time today.” he pleaded with the two geniuses.
“Oh, yeah right. So as I was about to say, before someone felt the need to add their three cents” a glare at the phone from Peter. “ I didn’t really get that much sleep last night, so I might have, maybe taken a little bit of a nap in my robotics class? In my defence, it was all stuff I already know, so I wasn’t really missing anything important. I mean you know better than anyone what I can do, Dad. It’s seriously stuff a kindergartner could easily do. But well, it seemed like my teacher wouldn’t really agree with me. “ Peter recounted the last hour or so to his Dad with the principal looking incredulously from his chair, surprised the other adult hadn't asked even a single question, and didn't feel the need to say anything to his supposed son. “And I know that because when I told him that, he did not look very happy with me. I mean it might’ve been because he caught me sleeping through his class- Oh my god, maybe he thought he was incredibly boring and felt bad about it so that’s why he’s so upset? Do you think that could be it? He’s just sad because he thinks I think he’s boring!-” the teen didn’t get the chance to finish his rant, with the principal stopping him midway through, having had enough of his little after thought side quests in telling the story.
“That’s quite enough now, Mr. Parker. Let’s get to the point of why you’re here and why I would like whoever it is you have pretending to be Tony Stark to come down to my office and discuss how to proceed from here.” Having lost his patience Mr. Moritia cut off the explanation Peter had already at the tip of his tongue.
“I’m sorry, pretending to be Tony Stark? You hear that Pep? Apparently I’m now pretending to be me.” Tony called to someone in the back of the room he was in, the eye roll clearly distinguishable in his tone . It only now hit Peter that he was probably on speaker with his whole family listening in to this shit show of a conversation. He let out a silent sigh, accepting all the teasing that was bound to befall him when he finally got back home.
“Anyway I can be there in about five minutes, hold on a sec.” the hero continued, his voice sounding a bit muffled at the end like he was walking away from the phone.
“Dad, what are you doing?! Whatever you’re doing right now I am begging you to stop.” Peter pleaded pointlessly, trying to stop Tony from doing whatever stupid thing he was about to do. “Mom, please stop him, don’t let him do this to me.” he whined to the only person capable of talking any sense into Anthony Edward Stark.
“I’m afraid it’s a bit too late for that, kiddo, he already left.” Steve’s apologetic voice came in response.
“Oh, great. So you’re all there.”
“Don’t act like you didn’t already know that Mini Stark.” Clint teased the boy from the other end of the line.
“Was- was that just Captain America in there?” Mr. Moritia’s face went pale with the realization that maybe Peter wasn’t lying and he actually was Tony’s adopted son. To pretend to be one superhero is one thing, but two? maybe even three if the last man who spoke was an Avenger as well? He let out a quiet, terrified squeak.
“Yup, Capsicle is listening with the rest of the team at the Tower.” Iron Man declared from the doorway, a dumbfounded secretary visible behind him through the open door.
The principal looked like he was about to throw up when the actual Tony Stark stepped out of the suit and like it was an everyday occurrence walked up to Peter to give him a hug.
“Hiya kiddo. You better finish explaining why exactly I had to get all the way down here to prove to your incompetent principal, who can’t even be bothered to look in your papers to confirm that you are legally my son, that you’re not making me up as some kind of weird joke." The billionaire looked expectantly at his kid while ruffling his hair against the teen’s will.
“Well, as I was saying before I got interrupted again, my teacher found me napping in class when he asked me a question and preceded to scold me for that, and since as I’ve previously said, I was severely sleep deprived, my brain to mouth filter took a bit of a vacation-" Peter scratched the back of his neck with his right hand in a nervous gesture he picked up from Tony.
“Oh no. What did you tell him, Roo?” Tony asked gently, knowing that the answer is probably beyond hilarious and inappropriate at the same time.
“Well-” Peter started.
“He told his teacher that he didn’t need the class anyway since he is capable of basically fixing the Iron Man suit in his sleep as Mr. Parker put it.” Mr. Moritia supplied quietly.
A fit of laughter could be heard over from the phone that nobody really hung up. All the Avengers having a great laugh at Peter’s expense. After a second Tony joined the rest of the team.
“Oh god. This is ridiculous.” Bucky exclaimed over the speaker phone. “Stark, control your child.” he wheezed between fits of giggles.
“So… you’re saying that Mr. Parker's claim is not true?” the principal asked carefully, a spark of hope that this was going his way was blooming in his heart.
“Oh no, no this is hilarious ‘cause it’s true.” Tony explained, whipping tears from his eyes. “The kid is actually better at it than I am. We checked once to be sure, you know, through competition of course.” the man said proudly, ecstatic that his kid was even smarter than him.
“Yeah, which consisted of both of you not sleeping for three days, drinking a pot of coffee each and nearly passing out in that lab of yours at least five different times.” Wanda scoffed on the phone. They never talked about the Mark XXIII Fiasco again after that day. It was too much for all of them.
“Hey! We don’t talk about that weekend.” Peter whispered ominously, looking around as if Nick Fury himself would suddenly appear from the plant pot to arrest them all for whatever it was that happened on The Day.
“That is quite enough from the both of you! I will skip the fact that I am seriously considering calling CPS on you and get to the point. Regardless of how skilled Mr. Parker is, he still fell asleep in class due to whatever it was he was doing at night that I decidedly do not want to know about, so he must be punished.” the principle cut in. He had no idea what the deal with those two… or however many of them there were, was and he was content with never finding out. But he had had enough of their bickering in his office when he just wanted to be done with this whole thing and go home. Therefore famous billionaire genius or not he was not having it.
“Mr. Parker- Stark.” Tony corrected with a grin.
“Dad, I don’t think that’s really relevant right now.” Peter sighed resigned to whatever Mr. Moritia decided to do about this.
“On the contrary, I think it is highly relevant. Because you see, there is no Mr. Parker here, legally that is no longer your name, so if he wants to punish a Mr. Parker he’d unfortunately have to go digging graves.” the older genius explained with an apologetic look at his son.
“Fine, Mr. Parker- Stark has to be punished then.” Mr. Moritia groaned frustrated to no end with the semantics.
“See? Now we know for sure he means you!” Tony smirked at Peter.
“Yeah, great. Thanks for that.” the teen deadpanned. This meeting could’ve been an email, total waste of his afternoon.
“Great! Now that we have this sorted, Mr. Parker- Stark, you are suspended for the next week.” the principal declared.
“Yeah, no that’s not gonna fly.” Tony responded immediately. “The kid was just being honest and I mean really, have you never fallen asleep in class?” the billionaire raised his eyebrow in challenge.
“Mr. Stark, that is beyond the point and I cannot let… your son, just walk free without any sort of consequence.” The principal refused to back down.
“Sure thing, just give him detention for a couple days, to you know, learn his lesson or whatever.” Tony waved his hand around in dismissal. “No need to suspend the poor kid over this.”
“Fine” Mr. Moritia sighed, exhausted. “if that will end this meeting and let us all go home, detention for a week should suffice I suppose.”
“Excellent.” Tony grinned at the man and turned towards the door grabbing Peter by the arm. “Let’s go, kid. Maybe there’s still something left of your dinner if you’re lucky.” he snickered at his son.
Peter’s threats to whoever would’ve dared to touch his meal could be heard on their way out of the building.