Work Text:
Pain i feel, can be written through paper
Can't show it out, or I'll look weaker
I guess hiding it is a way to go
But i still feel that i miss you so
"Ugh, this is useless." I said as I crumpled the paper and put it inside my bag.
I'm here in the seaside because this is my go-to place whenever I'm feeling negative, but I'm feeling a lot shittier because of the memories I've had in this place.
Everything reminds me of us.
"I miss him." I said as I sigh out of frustration.
Why did it have to end that way?
"Dude, you don't understand-"
"Arin, no. it was you who don't understand." he said as he cuts off my explanation,
"I'm doing this for you. So you don't have to suffer in this... this relationship anymore."
"What makes you think that I'm suffering?" I questioned him, mainly out of confusion as well.
Why does he think that we're only struggling now? After 8 years?
"You know, I still don't understand why." I said as I was attempt to straighten the crumpled paper that I put in my bag to throw away earlier.
"We were happy. And it was almost our 9th year anniversary, too."
All the memories came flashing in my mind: from when we first met, to the confession, to everything that happened while we were still together.
I can feel the tears forming on my eyes so I quickly wiped it off with my handkerchief.
"Now, Arin. You're in a public place, remember? don't cry." Besides, it's been three years since that happened.
Since we broke up.
"Look," he started,
"You wanted honesty, right? Well now I'm here to tell you the truth."
" I don't feel the same way- like how I felt towards us back then"
I nervously laughed after hearing that, "Oh come on, you know you could just do the traditional way of giving me an advance present for our 9th year, right?"
This is becoming more of a pathetic attempt of denying what he just said.
"No, there won't be a present for that, because there won't be a 9 year anniversary anymore"
"Hey. Happy 12 year anniversary." I started writing at the notebook.
"I'm quite pathetic to come back in this same spot every year, huh? I never stop coming back here, in hopes that he'll be here as well." By this time I couldn't stop the tears falling down the paper as I write down what I feel.
Coming back here at the same spot this year is still a bad idea. I should've known.
"I have no idea why do I keep on coming back here. every year. I just feel like it's..."
"... like it's the right thing to do."
I don't have any idea how it is right, but deep inside my heart I know it is... and as much as I hate to admit it to myself, I'm still hoping that he will be here waiting for me, asking me to be with him again.
But with what happened, it'll be just a dream.
A dream that will never come true, no matter how much I wish it would.
"But... but we were fine a few weeks ago, right? Hell, we were alright DAYS ago."
"What happened? Is someone threatening me? or you? for you to resort to- to whatever this is you're doing?"
"No."
"I just don't love you anymore."
I laughed, one again denying everything I'm hearing right now. Because, it is indeed a funny joke- but if he's actually serious then it definitely isn't.
"So who's the lucky girl, then? Was 8- oh i mean almost 9 years enough for you to realize that you were still thinking about Charlotte? Or were you seeing someone else?"
"No-"
"Oh, I know! I did something wrong and you didn't tell me about it and it piled up until you can't handle it anymore so this is happening!" I said, acting like the reason was an answer on a graded recitation in school or something.
I can feel the tears already forming on my eyes but that didn't stop me from smiling at him, in which he was surprised to see.
"No matter what it is, I understand. If it wasn't enough, I apologize."
He held my hand as I spoke, because some tears were already falling down my face.
"If I did something wrong, I'm sorry. You know that I'm a human too, you know."
"You should've told me sooner and I could've tried my best to change it... Who am I kidding, I should have tried harder, right?"
"If I really wanted to keep this relationship intact, I should've tried harder."
I... I really should have tried harder.
"You know, this is all my fault." I said to myself as I'm looking at the sun setting
"If I tried harder, I could've saved us from falling apart."
I sadly smiled as I looked at the scenery.
It was always breathtaking... I've admired this view for so long, but that admiration is now mixed with hurt and bitterness.
In this same spot where he confessed his feelings for me twelve years ago. In the same place where we always celebrate our anniversaries- well maybe not always but that wasn't the point.
"I remember how I threw our promise ring on our 3rd year anniversary." I reminisced.
I wonder if it's still here in this place. Maybe it was washed away somewhere far away from here.
Just like him and his feelings for me.
"I'm sorry it had to end up like this" he said,
"You wanted me to be honest, and this is me giving you that." I didn't realize that he was still holding my hand until he lifted it and kissed the back of my palm
"I don't feel like lying to you anymore. I may not feel the same way as I did back then but I still don't want you to be hurt."
"You're already hurting me, it's no use."
"Yes, but I know one day you'll move on from me and actually be happy with your life, even if it doesn't include me anymore."
"I'm really sorry, Arin. I'm doing this for you. I don't want to lie to myself and to you. I don't want to hurt you further."
Whenever I go here I always feel like he's still beside me, holding a bouquet of white roses and sunflowers as we watch the sunset together, saying our Happy Anniversary greetings and just enjoying each other's presence...
Until I actually wake up from that vision and realize that he's not here physically.
I felt that same thing again, this time it felt like he was hugging me, but when I looked to my right, he wasn't there.
Why am I still doing this to myself?
I don't know.
All I know is that I haven't really moved on. I never did, because I was more than convinced that he was the one.
It was sad that he wasn't feeling the same way.
"I'll be okay soon, right?" I said as I also write it down on my notebook only for me to notice something inserted between the pages.
Me being naturally curious, I of course pulled whatever it was inserted there only for me to see a picture of us during our 6th year anniversary.
We were here by the seaside by the looks of it, and showing our rings and said that he bought new ones because he noticed me fiddling on my left ring finger whenever I'm feeling anxious.
I lifted my left hand to see that same ring still on my hand.
I didn't realize that it's been 6 years since he gave this.
I flipped the picture only to see that there was something written on the back of it.
"Check the book Insert Name on your Wattpad Account? Why would I say to look at my rotting account?" I looked at the handwriting only for me to realize that it wasn't mine, but his.
"Why would he want me to look at one of my unfinished books?"
Out of curiosity and confusion, I logged back in the account that I haven't used for... I think 8 years now- and tried looking for the book past him was saying.
"His Apology Letter?" I questioned, and opened the unpublished chapter...
"To the woman I love the most,
Hi, if you are reading this now, it means something really bad happened. Whether we broke up, one of us is going to leave, we got in to a really huge fight, or I am in a hospital bed with my life hanging on a thread. Whatever the reason may be, I want you to know that I loved you, and to be honest, I still do, even though I keep on saying that I don't anymore..."
I didn't know he still have access to this account? When did he write this? Why would he write a letter for when something bad happens...?
Most importantly, how did this picture get here?
"...I know that it doesn't sound good that I made a letter for when something bad happens but, I don't want you to think that I'll leave you just like that, I don't want to leave you without even saying anything at all. But sometimes, my mind can't take things like this, especially when losing something that I was certain of..."
Was he starting to be aware of how he feels when he wrote this?
And of all times, why now? Why not the day after, hell, even the YEAR after?
"...I wish I could restart everything. I know I probably don't deserve it but, if you ever find me doing everything I can to make things right, to fix every mistake I've done, please, consider it. It just means I can't let you go yet because I still feel the same way I felt for you from the very start. But if you see me going about my life as if nothing happened, forget me. Even though it is hard, I want you to erase me from your thoughts, your plans, your dreams, and eventually, your life. If I ever turn out to be like that, never take me back again. You deserve someone better than me and I am sorry for the troubles I brought you..."
I didn't care if there are people around me anymore. At that time I felt the most pain I've felt for the past 3 years. I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. Out of frustration, out of confusion and sadness.
I didn't know I needed to hear this from him, even if it's just through a letter that I didn't know exist already, in case something like that happens.
"...I wrote you this letter because I want you to know that I've always wanted what's best for you, even if it doesn't have me in the picture. I want you to know that I've loved you from the very first day we met, that you have been my quest the moment I set my eyes on you. And I want to tell you that no matter what will happen, live. Live until you find the happiness you deserve. I wish there never comes a time that you have to read this letter. But when it does, I love you, and I will never forget you, my love..."
I... I don't know what to feel after reading it, I just felt like crying right now. Will I be alright after this? I don't know. Did it give me enough closure? I think so.
I hugged my knees (and the notebook i was writing on) as I cried hard on that spot, releasing all the pain I have been keeping all this time.
I really love him.
I still do.
And as much it hurts me that he won't come back anymore, I think this letter is a sign that I really should try living my life, even if it doesn't include him in it.
I watched her from afar as she took off the ring I gave her six years ago. She looked at it while saying something my ears couldn't hear from my position.
I have been watching her come back here at the same spot, every year. Writing on her notebook, only to cry on the process of writing how she feels.
I know she wanted us to be back together but I can't do it, not anymore.
So I had to help her move on by putting that picture in her notebook. It was easy since she always carries it around and she gets distracted easily.
I had to write that letter. I wanted to help her be happy in the least possible way that I can.
I was a fool to believe that if I told her I don't love her anymore then she wouldn't hurt much when she discovers that I'm dead 3 years after I broke up with her.
I saw her hesitating about throwing the ring on the sea just like what she did to the first ones I bought for us but ended up wearing the ring again.
"She still is the Arin that keeps everything, huh." I said as I stupidly smiled at that gesture. The bouquet of white roses and sunflowers behind me as I wait for her to go.
This will be my last day being here, might as well make it count.
I brought the bouquet in front of me amd looked at it. Eversince she said that these were her favorite, I've been wanting to give her one— but everytime I hint about doing it she always says it's better if we spend it on something more useful instead— or better, save it for myself because "flowers will wilt after a few days anyways".
So I ended up not being able to buy her one before we broke up.
I looked over to the spot and see it empty so I walked over there to sit and have my own time there when I realized that she unknowingly left her notebook here.
I still remember the day I gave this to her, she was ecstatic because she's never seen a notebook shaped like a heart before. Too cheesy, I know. but I've been seeing her keep notes using her phone which makes it harder for her because her phone distracts her from what she was typing.
"This reminds me of that song," she started while I laughed because I thought she was going to give a stupid comparison just like "Bricks" but instead she sang a song that reminded her of the notebook
"Get it? because it's a notebook- paper. And hearts because the notebook is heart-shaped!" She explained gleefully. I smiled because seeing her babble about it was already enough to know that she loved it.
I opened the notebook to see all her writings. From poems, to letters and song lyrics that describe what she feels at that particular moment.
This notebook became her diary.
I looked over at some writings and noticed that sometimes she write like she was talking to me.
"Um, excuse me- I think that's my notebook?" I panicked as I heard her voice behind me.
She cannot see me like this.
I cleared my throat and changed my voice a little bit to talk without looking back at where she is, "Oh? I was checking if there's any identification inside so I can contact the owner-" I decided to piss her off for a bit,
"How do I know this notebook is yours anyways?" I asked, not only because I kinda want to piss her off a little but also because I was curious how will she prove it to a stranger who found the thing close to her heart.
"It was given by someone special to me and became my diary when he went *poof*" She explained,
"The space behind the notebook cover has Paper Hearts' lyrics in it because it's what reminded me of this notebook when I first received it... funny how it became my song since that day..."
I opened the book and saw what she was talking about, and even saw a note explaining it. Her handwriting has always been a piece of work but it was because she thinks about lots of things and her hands could only keep up with too much.
"Here you go, I guess." I said as I hand her notebook over without looking. I also handed her the flower bouquet.
"And please take this as my apology gift as well. I don't know if these are flowers you like but I hope you still accept..."
"Oh, thank you!" she said as she gets the flowers, "You don't know this but these two are my favorite ones. I've never received one because everytime my s/o says he would I always reject because I was thinking back then that the first bouquet I want to receive from him was the one I'll be holding when we get married... but yeah that's impossible now, isn't it?"
I was wondering why she stopped talking so I took a peep at her behind me and noticed that she was out of it. God, she's so beautiful.
But then she woke up from her reverie and her expression changed to shame because she realized what she just said.
"Oh God, I overshared again— I'm so sorry for taking your time." she said out of embarrasment, she showed me the bouquet i gave her and smiled.
"Thank you for these, good person! see you soon!"
I looked at her as she ran away out of shame and sadly smiled.
"I hope you won't forget about me, my love. See you in another life."