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I keep seeing her in my dreams.
I never knew how much a kid can teach me, even when I lived and beared witness to the true brutality this world has to offer. Lessons from a child didn't diminish what I have seen, but it was a balm, sort of.
What this world has in store for such young people, and I, such a horrible person, climbed to the top. This is a world that people like me have set for the youth.
Even when wealth was all I ever dreamt of as a child, I think about how picky the world can be.
…Maybe not picky, but I didn't just get lucky to get where I am, you know.
I learnt to bare my teeth to all those who defied me. Those who mistreated me in my youth.
It hurt me back then, but now I can laugh in their faces.
But when I saw this girl, I didn't know what to feel.
Pity?
It couldn't be. I have been conditioned to not feel as such for anyone in my years of seeing the world.
She kept approaching me, and the first thing I thought was about her naivety.
She let me scam her out of 40k yen. I couldn’t believe it myself.
If anything, I would have expected her to give up. It was so obvious I was lying to her, deceiving her from the very start. If she weren't so persistent, I thought I'd have gotten my money's worth out of someone that I couldn't care less for and moved on with my life.
But she just had to keep coming back.
There was one thing about her, though. I can't put my finger on it.
She reminded me so much of myself.
So blind, so oblivious.
That's who I once was.
~
It hurts to be outside. Especially after hearing the news.
“A girl in Gekkoukan High died on the rooftop." The news reporters would say.
Then I saw Kotone's face.
At the time of watching this, I wanted to block all the noise. I couldn't, though. I was merely enticed by the screen. When I was sitting on my sofa and lying around the whole day, I couldn't take my mind off the news when I went back to work. It was always in the back of my head.
Ever since then, my mind couldn't rest peacefully. That girl taught me more things than the people I knew for decades.
One of those things was kindness. The one person who taught me something so important just had to leave. They all do. I tell myself to not get attached, and that’s how it was for this high schooler. But it was more than that. She taught me things without having to say anything some days.
I didn't want to see her face, but it just kept appearing in my mind.
I go to take my breaks in the mall, but all I could see was her. I can't tell why this is taking a toll on me. Is it? Maybe it isn't that bad. Death is bad, of course, but when did it ever affect me?
But whenever I look over to the fountain, I can feel my stomach hollow itself.
My heart sinks.
I never thought that she, out of all people, would give up her evenings for a scum like me.
I feel guilty.
It made my conscience feel small, because something inside me felt so empty.
I never learned to mourn. I don't know how to do it. I never did.
Maybe for the TV I can squeeze myself out of a few tears, but I don't know what to do when they are real. I don't know what to do when my eyes swarm with unshed tears and when my mouth twitches into a frown. It makes my throat feel tight. The opposite of the comfort I'm used to.
I'm still the same person, just dressed differently. Under all this confidence is still a scared boy who got bullied for having holes in his socks.
No one knew this except Kotone.
I stand in the spot where I'd typically gaze at the passersby, but I can't do that without the phantom shake of my knees. Shaking my head and grimacing, I go to the bench that was near the fountain.
I take my seat, letting my mind wander.
Everyone knows my name. President Tanaka.
Atleast, that's who I let them see.
Image is important. The most important thing for a star.
But I can't find myself caring for President Tanaka right now. I don't know who I am. I’m not used to feeling everything at once.
Shachou Tanaka… Often, I'd forget who he is.
It's because of that girl, Kotone, that I am reminded of my past self. Memories of who I used to be. Naive and ignorant. But I've come to learn that ignorance is bliss.
Even through the confines of an expensive suit, I can feel every prick of the wind. I couldn't find myself paying attention to the things around me today. I don't have to. I never had to. I hug my body tighter as I stare at the concrete, legs shaking.
It's funny, in a way. I tried my best to water the flowers, but they have wilted.
This sudden hole in my heart, I can't fix it. Not even the best doctors money can buy can fill it. Is this what grief is?
Such a cruel ordeal falls upon everyone. But she had her life ahead of her.
I purse my lip at the thought, my hands clenching into fists. Not out of anger, but out of pity. Is it pity? It’s hard to tell. It makes me… sad, in a way. I didn't want to see someone so young be taken by the hands of death so soon. She was just at the beginning of life. I’ve already lived my fair share.
Part of my consciousness says it should have been me.
I have everything already. In fact, I practically have the whole of Japan at my fingertips. But what did it matter if I couldn't be happy being that way? I could have all the money in the world, but I never knew how effective the ribbon of greed that covered my eyes was until I met her. She made the mask slip.
With time, I find it hard to take that mask off again. It's a part of me now.
What use would it be if I didn't feel anything about being among Japan's most successful men?
I donated to the orphanage. Only through her help.
And my consideration, of course.
I told her to stick with me. I would have shown her the true way of life. Under my care, I thought she would have been untouchable.
Yet still, I failed to protect her.
I don't know when, or how this... demise fell upon her, but Kotone was always healthy when we spoke. Maybe at times mildly fatigued, but nothing out of the ordinary.
Unless there was something, and I just didn't see it any deeper than the surface.
Should I be sorry?
If it weren't for her, I would have never considered it. The orphanage, I mean. I wouldn't be the person I am now, even in the short time of knowing her. Thinking about it, I may have not known her well, but I felt safe in a strange way. Maybe that's the effect she had on other people too. How do they feel about this? How will they grow out of this bubble that grief traps us in?
I think about the hearts she has touched. I wonder who else feels this way.
I wonder how many other people she has helped and didn’t even know it.
Even if I said the donation was for my own benefit, I did truly want to see other people grow.
But I wanted to see her grow up too.
Become better than me, maybe. She would have been the only person I didn't envy.
I had to melt the sand to see the world outside. But only to be met with the world's tenacious cruelty.
I dreamt of leaving that place behind, but I found myself staying.
I want to leave this mall, but I find myself staying for the memory of her.
I wanted to protect her at the very least. She should have stuck with me. Become a winner, as I promised.
Or maybe she was the one who won at life by getting out of it.
~
