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The first letter comes on a Wednesday, June, muggy heat sliced clean through by its arrival. It is an out-of-place thing amidst the mess that is Agott's desk in the middle of midterms: scattered pencils, textbooks with creased corners, piles and piles of ruled paper and eraser dust.
She picks it up, examines it. The card is a gossamer purple, patterned with lilies that bloom only when held up to the sunlight. If Agott brought it any closer to her nose, Coco knows, she'd catch a whiff of something floral.
But Agott does no such thing. Coco tamps down the urge to walk over to her as she unfolds the note, eyebrows creased as she scans over its contents.
And then her face goes red. It's almost comical, the way the flush starts from the apples of her cheeks and spreads outward, until her whole face is painted in a bright shade of crimson. It's enthralling. Coco can't take her eyes off her, peering from behind the classroom door as she is, careful not to show herself lest Agott accidentally catches her there.
"Agooooooooott!"
Instead of breezing right past her, Tetia grabs Coco by the arm and drags her into the classroom, nearly making her trip on her own two feet. She almost misses the way Agott hastily stuffs the letter into her pocket, eyes flicking towards and away from Coco in vague surprise.
"What's taking you so long?" demands Tetia. "You're making our dear Coco wait!"
Agott frowns. "I thought you were going to consult with Professor Qifrey."
"I was, but I, ah, came back because I forgot something important!"
"Which was?"
Think fast, Coco! "You, of course!"
Agott splutters. With a huff, she begins to quickly gather her things into her bag. "Don't be silly. I have nothing to ask Professor Qifrey."
"But—I'm sure he wouldn't mind at all if you dropped by with me!"
Agott looks at her, considering, and for a moment Coco is sure she's been convinced.
"I'd rather head back and study alone today," she says curtly. "I'll see you later, Coco, Tetia."
"Oh." Disappointment makes her voice falter. "W-well, see you later then, Agott!"
"See ya, Agott!" calls Tetia, though Agott has already disappeared down the hallway. "Wow. The midterms stress must really be getting to her."
Coco twiddles her fingers nervously. "Are the exams that difficult?"
"Just the usual!"
"Which is…?"
"Oh! I keep forgetting this is your first year here." She gives Coco a hearty pat on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, Coco! I'm sure you'll do absolutely fine. And if you need any help you can always ask me!"
She flashes Coco a wink and thumbs-up. Though she still doesn't have the heart to tell Tetia where her real worries lie, the gesture cheers her up nonetheless.
"Thanks, Tetia," she says. "I'll do my best."
"Thanks for your thanks, Coco!"
Coco grins. Maybe Tetia is onto something with these double thank you's. If one letter isn't enough to cheer Agott up, then maybe a second one would do the trick.
One more letter turns into a third, a fourth, a fifth. Midterms come and go, and in the aftermath there is reprieve: the days longer, the scent of summer just around the corner.
Agott seems to be relieved, at least, of some of the pressure that had been weighing her down. Still Coco writes her letters. The words come to her easier now, the more time she spends with Agott, her presence unraveling each sentence from the knot of affection in Coco's heart.
Coco makes sure to leave the letters in different places every time, though never where she can't catch Agott the moment she finds it: in the locker, where they grab their things every morning before class; inside the lunchbox she unpacks at their usual spot in the school garden; next to the cup of rooibos tea she takes in the afternoon.
And every time, Coco delights in watching Agott's face light up in that fascinating blush. But even though she's gone from hastily cramming the envelope into her pocket to carefully putting it away, not once has she opened a letter in front of Coco. They don't talk about it, either, though the fact of it is irrefutable. Tangible, if at least for the moment it sits in the space between them.
"Are you ever going to—" Coco gestures at the wanting indent of the envelope on the grass. "You know."
"Hmm?"
Agott's expression is carefully neutral. Still, there's something about the late afternoon light in her eyes that makes them seem to sparkle. It makes Coco's exhale catch in her throat.
She shakes her head. A breathless laugh tumbles out of her. It feels like breaking an unspoken rule.
"Read the letters," she murmurs.
Agott tilts her head. "If you want to tell me something, Coco, you can say it directly to me," she says, seeming to have missed Coco's reply.
"Okay, Agott." She leans back against her palms and watches the cloudless sky above them—an attempt to calm down her rapid heartbeat.
She presses her hand against her heart, feeling the loud thump thump thump of it through the fabric of her uniform. "Just got lost in thought."
Later, she realizes that she still doesn't have any confirmation that Agott actually reads her letters. But if Agott's more frequent smiles are anything to go by, then Coco thinks she can be pretty optimistic that she does.
Richeh has saved them a table in the library, as always. A year younger and still technically in junior high, her classes usually end about half an hour earlier than the rest of them. What Richeh does with those thirty minutes is still often a mystery to Coco—she isn't as fond of studying as the rest of them are, often taken to scribbling on the margins of her notes instead of reading them. That isn't to say she isn't brilliant: all of her friends are, in different, admirable ways, all of which make Coco want to be better.
Today, though, it seems like the exam season has gotten the best of Richeh, because when they arrive she's got her nose buried in a rather large textbook, pen twirling idly between her fingers.
"Sorry to keep you waiting," Coco apologizes as she pulls out the chair next to her. "Professor Olly went a little overtime with our review session today."
Richeh hums. "Richeh didn't even notice. Too much to study."
"Whatcha studying, Richeh?" Tetia asks, a little too loudly.
She lifts her notes in front of her face, so Coco has to crane her neck and lean a bit forward to see. She doesn't even notice her hand brushing against Agott's on the table until Agott clears her throat, cheeks burning.
"Could you keep your voices down?" she grumbles under her breath.
"Sorry!"
Their table falls into relative silence after that, save for the scratch of pens against paper and the soft crinkle of pages being turned. Coco makes sure to review her own notes thoroughly: she's found that the best way for her to study is by copying them down again onto a fresh piece of lined paper, so that is exactly what she does.
Agott, on the other hand, seems entirely focused on the book in front of her, her long, dark lashes lowered as she reads.
"Hey, Agott?" Tetia whispers, still rather loudly.
Coco doesn't even realize she'd been staring until Agott looks up and catches her eye.
She coughs lightly before turning to Tetia. "Yes?"
"Could I see that prototype sketch you did during class yesterday?"
The sketchpad Agott pulls out of her is a familiar one: its cover a glossy magenta, its spring a fading gold. Coco's seen it plenty of times, has even had the privilege of looking through it, once, on a quiet evening on the rooftop of their shared dormitory.
She'd never open it on her own, but last night she'd cracked its cover open ever so slightly—just enough to slip a piece of paper in.
"It's inserted in the back."
"Thanks, Agott!" says Tetia brightly, flipping the back cover open.
An envelope slides out, its floral pattern shining underneath the fluorescent light.
"Whoopsies!" Tetia reaches for the envelope on the table. Her fingers have hardly brushed its edge before Agott lunges across the table and swipes it away.
"Woah! What was that, Agott?"
"Nothing!" she hisses. She casts a furtive glance around the library—some people have looked up from their tables to peer at them curiously—before she buries her face into her hands, letter smushed between her palms, and inhales deeply.
"…What the heck." Her voice is muffled through her fingers. "It smells like lilies."
She lifts her head. The envelope lies in her palm, slightly rumpled. Coco watches, heart thumping in her chest, as Agott smooths it out on the table and tucks it into her bag.
"Oh my gosh!" Tetia whisper-shouts. "Do my eyes deceive me, or was that a love letter—"
Coco's brain screeches to a halt.
Love—?!
Richeh interrupts by holding up the thick piece of paper that had escaped from between the sketchpad's pages amidst the chaos. "This is the prototype."
"Oh!" Tetia takes it with a grateful nod. Then her expression morphs into a gleeful smirk. "So, the envelope wasn't the sketch."
Coco, still reeling from the Tetia's words, shakes her head at the same time as Agott. Their eyes meet for a split second before Agott turns away, lips pressed into a thin line. She looks upset. Coco's stomach turns.
Before anyone can say anything more to send Coco into a spiral, Professor Alaira appears by their table, a finger held to her lips.
She leans forward with a small smile. "Let me know if you girls need anything, alright?"
Nodding, the four of them return to their studies in silence. But Coco can't focus. There's a persistent buzz at the back of her head, and the burning feeling of Agott's eyes on her, even though she knows that the other girl is buried deep in her textbooks.
With a sigh, Coco opens her own sketchpad and begins to draw.
"I heard Agott received a confession letter the other day."
On any other day, Coco would quickly walk away upon hearing the sound of that voice: so terribly aloof, yet so inexplicably grating. This time, unfortunately, Ininia's words give her pause.
"It's too bad," she drawls. Coco can hear her going down the stairs, step by step, excruciatingly slow. "Girls like her will only ever see such meager handwritten attempts at winning her over as scratch paper."
Coco whirls around, furious. "Stop talking about her like you know her!"
"And yet you are talking to Ininia as if you know Ininia," Ininia intones, now standing right beside her. Her expression is of someone unfathomably bored. "Have you reconsidered our offer of friendship, then?"
"You don't know anything!" Coco yells after her, loud enough to echo down the stairwell. "And it wasn't a confession letter!"
"What wasn't a confession letter?"
Oh no. That's a different voice now.
"Nothing!" Coco squeaks. "Sorry, I got a little carried away. It's just. Ugh."
She braces herself as another girl appears at the top of the stairwell. Coco gives her a small, sheepish wave.
The other student waves back, smiling.
"Okay, sorry, I think I overheard a bit." Jujy admits, rubbing the back of her neck. "If it's anything, I don't think Agott's like that at all. In fact, I think she's really awesome. Some people are just jealous."
It's—unexpected, but it warms her heart. "Thanks, Jujy," Coco says, grasping her hand. "I'm so glad you understand."
"What do you think of me?" Jujy teases. Then her voice turns wistful. "Besides, you guys are great friends. I'm sure she treasures anything that comes from you."
"I sure hope so," says Coco. "Wait. How did you know?"
Jujy simply winks at her, and leaves it at that.
"Coco, this is remarkable," says Professor Qifrey, voice laced with awe.
A rush of giddiness bubbles up in Coco's chest. "Really?"
"Absolutely." Professor Qifrey sets down the portrait on the table. "The attention to detail! And your linework! You already had a good knack for it when you first arrived, but this—this a clear mark of how much you've grown since coming here, Coco. I'm incredibly proud of you."
"O-oh." Coco finds herself scrambling for words as something hot pricks at the backs of her eyes. "Thank you."
While Professor Qifrey continues to beam at her warmly, Coco can only manage a watery smile back.
The door slams open.
"Oi, Qifrey. You'll never guess what your student—" The newcomer freezes the moment his gaze lands on Coco. "Coco! What's goin' on? Are you alright? Did somebody hurt you?!"
"Calm down, Olly." Professor Qifrey lays a hand on his shoulder. "She's fine. Though I suppose I may assume responsibility for the tears."
"You what?"
"It's fine, Professor Olly!" Coco squeaks before he can turn on Professor Qifrey. She'd hate to start a quarrel between her two favorite professors. "Everything's fine. I just got a little emotional, that's all!"
"Ah." Professor Olruggio nods sagely. "Completely understandable."
"Take a look at this, Olly," says Professor Qifrey, stepping backwards to give space for Professor Olruggio to peer at the portrait on his desk.
"Holy cra—" his hand slaps over his mouth, "crackers! Coco, you drew this?"
Coco nods, feeling rather overwhelmed by all the excitement.
"My goodness," Professor Olruggio exhales, and begins to weep.
"Professor!"
"She's beautiful!" he cries. "Have you showed it to her?"
"Ah, I, actually…" Coco squirms. "I was wondering if Professor Qifrey could give it to her on my behalf."
Both professors blink at her, puzzled.
"I'm… a bit confused," Professor Qifrey admits, adjusting his glasses. "Won't you be seeing Agott later anyway?"
Coco nods. "I will, but… I'm not sure if she'll accept it."
"Oh." Professor Qifrey's eyes widen. "Oh."
"Yeah."
"Well, Coco," Professor Qifrey says, "I'm glad that you trust us enough to share this with us. But I'm sure Agott will appreciate the gesture either way, no matter what she says to you. The two of you are great friends, after all."
It's the almost exactly the same as what Jujy had said to her. "I know we're great friends. That's why I'm doing this for her! But I…" She falters. "I don't know if she'll accept something so direct."
She thinks about an outstretched hand; a flower, slowly falling to the ground; the footsteps of the girl who turned her back.
"Wait," Professor Olruggio's eyebrows knit together. "You're doing this… as a friend?"
Professor Qifrey's smile grows strained. He must think Coco isn't watching when he sharply elbows his friend's side.
This time, it's Coco turn to be a little confused. "Why else would I do this, if not for a friend?"
"I see." Professor Qifrey is calm and understanding, as always, in all the ways Coco needs. "Very well. I can give the gift to Agott, then, as you wish. But do promise me that you'll at least try to talk to her, too, alright?"
"S'always good to have some communication," adds Professor Olruggio, with a pointed glance at his friend.
Coco nods in earnest. "Thank you, Professor Qifrey, Professor Olly."
They both smile kindly at her, and it gives Coco a boost of confidence to see this whole thing through.
"Anytime."
Agott still hasn't said anything about the portrait.
In fact, it almost seems like Agott has become even more distant, only ever working in their shared space when Coco was away. Coco thinks it might've started after the whole library incident—she only hopes that Agott hadn't heard the things Ininia had been saying, though in reality, she knows that Ininia mostly keeps to herself (except, of course, when she's in the mood to torment Coco).
At least it gives Coco time to reflect. She isn't really sure anymore about why she's kept the entire letter thing going on for this long—only that she likes to see Agott happy, and she likes to write about all the ways Agott makes her happy, too. But to leave all those letters anonymous—it's a little ridiculous, now that she thinks about it, but perhaps a little part of her is still rather intimidated by her good friend.
Indeed, Agott still feels unreachable to Coco in many ways: always on of top everything whenever Coco fell short; already leagues ahead of her while Coco struggled to catch up. At first, that had been the reason for the distance between them. But she likes to think they've grown closer over time, and that the reason for their distance has now become the reason to bridge it. Agott has helped Coco more times than she can count: lending her textbooks and notes, staying up at night to draw with her, even showing her all the little spots on campus that helped her unwind.
Coco truly admires to her no end, and even still it seems like her constant want to be closer to Agott would never dwindle, no matter how much time they already spent together. So it hurts her, really, that her dear friend has become rather distant.
But Coco is patient, so she waits.
She waits in their shared workspace and draws. She draws until she starts to feel drowsy, then pillows her head on her arms. Her eyelids slowly drift shut. She hadn't been able to get much sleep the night before, kept awake by thoughts of Agott—once more she sees that particular picture of her, bathed in lamplight, gentle as she drapes a blanket over Coco's shoulders...
"What are you doing?" Agott murmurs.
Coco's eyes fly open. "Agott!"
Agott steps back quickly. The blanket, still only half-draped around Coco, slips from her grasp. "Sorry. Did I wake you?"
"Hardly," Coco answers, scrambling to pick up the blanket. "I was waiting for you. I wanted to speak with you."
She stands up, walks over to Agott, and takes her hand.
Agott looks down at her own hand, limp in Coco's. Her expression shutters. "Could you stop?"
Coco's heart plummets. "What?"
"Whatever you've been doing," Agott says, voice thin. "Holding my hand. Teasing me. Sending me letters. Are you trying to—to distract me?"
"What?" Coco's voice cracks. "Wait—you knew it was me?"
Agott makes a sound halfway between a cry and a guffaw and yanks her hand away. "You—Coco, I know your handwriting. We're roommates. Who else could sneak all of those letters inside my things before school?"
"It wasn't always before school—"
"And all those places where we hang out," Agott continues, strained. "I only ever showed them to you."
"Oh."
"So you must know that I—" She cuts herself off, her head hanging low.
When she looks back up at Coco, there are tears clinging to her long, pretty eyelashes. Something ice cold plunges into Coco's stomach.
"Why are you writing those letters, pretending that you like me?"
"I'm not pretending!"
The words leave her mouth before Coco can even think. "I do like you!" she yells, and—goodness, she does. She likes Agott. Her heart feels so swollen she thinks it might burst. "Oh my goodness. That explains everything!"
Agott, at least, looks about as shocked as Coco feels at her own revelation.
"What?"
"I like you!" repeats Coco, even though the words make her feel dizzy to say. "I like you, and that's why it made me so nervous to tell you everything to your face!"
Agott still looks disbelieving. "But—you said it wasn't a confession letter."
"You heard that too?" Coco groans. "No, wait—not important. Yes! No!"
"Oh my god." Agott buries her face in her hands. "So which one is it? Did you… not realize you wrote a confession letter?!"
"I didn't know!" Coco cries. "Oh, dear. I didn't know. I've never really had girl friends before coming here, you know? I thought it was normal to—to feel this way!"
Dear Agott, she'd written once, I always find myself watching you and admiring everything you do. Today, I saw wisteria winding up the branches of a a big oak tree. It reminded me, somehow, of you—its petals were purple, just like your eyes in the sun. I can't help but always want to be close to you.
And another time:
Dear Agott,
Remember the time you showed me your favorite constellations? I've been trying since then to memorize their places in the firmament. I'm still having some trouble identifying them, I admit. I still think you shine brighter than any star in the sky.
And another—
Dear Agott,
Agott a feeling you and I are meant to be.
"Oh, stars," Coco whispers, half wishing for an asteroid to strike as mortification takes over her body for the first time. "Did I really write all of that?"
Agott looks at her: one long, piercing stare that makes Coco feel like her insides are turning to jelly. And then she turns away, towards her own desk, and procures a thick leather diary from the depths of her drawer.
"If it's any consolation," Agott deadpans, "I think I've written worse."
"You can't possibly have."
She clears her throat awkwardly."Dear Coco," she begins. "Ever since you came into my life, you've become someone I constantly have to worry about."
Coco swallows. Agott isn't even reading from her diary, her gaze trained steadily on Coco despite looking close to passing out. So Coco doesn't back down. She steels herself.
"Your presence ties my mind up in endless knots. You've made it difficult for me to concentrate on anything and everything, like there's always some kind of static at the back of my head, ever-present even when I try my best to shut it off."
"In short—you're a nuisance."
Coco winces. Her whole body tingles with embarrassment, every atom in her body telling her to flee.
But then Agott steps closer to her. Slowly, carefully, inexplicably—she reaches for Coco's hand. Her fingers are warm and calloused.
"Why can't I get you off my mind? That's the question I'd always ask myself. I supposed it had to do with the fact that I had to see you almost every waking hour, whether I liked it or not. So I did. I went to class with you, I ate lunch with you, I spent evenings in our room listening to your endless questions and stories. I never really did any of these things before you, Coco. And that's when I realized—it wasn't static that I had in my head. It was the buzz of feeling alive, for the first time. And when the world is drowned in chaos, being close to you is what shuts all the other noise off."
She takes a deep, shaky breath. And then a smile blooms on her face, as soft and lovely as the first day of spring.
"I know it sounds silly, but now I can't imagine a world where I don't wake up every morning to your smile or spend afternoons laying in the grass until the world goes quiet. Coco, I want this with you, for as long as you'll allow me. I want to always feel alive."
Coco can't help herself. She throws herself into Agott's arms.
"Just to clarify," Coco murmurs into her shoulder. "Does this mean you like me too?"
For a second, Agott is seemingly stunned into silence. And then she begins to shake with laughter—real, trembling, soundless laughter that bubbles up from deep within her chest and melts into the spaces between Coco's ribs.
"Idiot," she whispers, and holds on to her tighter.
"Wait, wait, wait. You showed this to Professor Olly?"
Agott crosses her arms. "I wanted feedback, okay?"
"When was this?"
"About a week ago?"
"A week ago…" Coco trails off. "No way. Agott. That's the same day I showed mine to Professor Qifrey!"
"Seriously?"
"Seriously! Professor Olruggio saw it, too! He started crying when he saw!"
"This is ridiculous," Agott mutters. "Absolutely ridiculous."
Coco can't stop laughing. "Hahaha! I can't believe you drew a portrait of me, too!"
"You literally did the same thing!" Agott grouses as Coco wipes tears of mirth from her eyes.
"I know, I know," Coco chuckles, still not quite able to catch her breath as she leans on Agott's shoulder. "And now we'll never be able to forget how ridiculous we were, since we have both our portraits up. Yours is beautiful, by the way."
Agott snorts. "My drawing of you, or your drawing of me?"
"Both, of course," Coco answers swiftly. "But not as beautiful as the real thing, obviously!"
She takes Agott's face into her hands. They look at each other, drinking each other in, and it endears Coco to no end to see that lovely blush on Agott's cheeks. That sweet, soft smile. That magnificent shine of affection in her lilac eyes.
"Definitely not," Agott agrees, and the brush of her lips against Coco's cheek is better than anything she could ever write.