Chapter Text
A breeze blew through the Forbidden Forest, rattling the brittle branches of the trees that towered gloomily over the edge of the Hogwarts grounds. Severus wrapped his cloak tightly around his body, fighting back the shiver that wracked through him. It was nearing the end of fall, that nose biting chill of early winter beginning to settle in the air. His hair whipped across his face, obscuring his view of his rustling parchment.
He liked to do his homework out here. It was secluded. He rested behind a particularly thick tree along the entrance of the forest, his back to the castle. He sighed, tapping the end of his quill against his lips.
Severus preferred the Forbidden Forest. While he enjoyed the warmth and comfort the library offered, it was open to everyone, and not everyone was open to him. The Slytherin common room was cold, and often quiet, but he didn’t much like that either. With the war looming over him and his peers, the common room felt more like a debate hall. So, not wanting to fall behind in his studies, Severus had searched for a better place to keep up with his assignments.
He reached for his charms textbook, needing to cite a particular portion of the reading for his essay. Instead of feeling the glossy cover of The Standard Book of Spells: Grade Six, his fingers brushed against something wet and cold. He froze, and for a moment everything was still. Severus steeled himself, sucking in a deep breath, before turning to look at his hand.
He knew the dangers he faced by studying out here, he wasn’t blind to the risks he was taking for his solitude. In fact, he had often imagined a creature, something large and unforgiving, pulling him deep into the forest never to be seen again. While the thought often brought him an odd sense of comfort, a painful but clean cut end to his complicated and miserable life, he found himself terrified to actually potentially face it.
His breath hitched as his eyes finally met what was at the end of his finger tips. He had expected a beast, horrifying and hungry; but instead he was met with something far more peaceful. The wet nose of a resting stag pressed against his fingers, it’s head laying gently on top of Severus’s stack of books. His now shaking hand felt glued in place, the strange tenderness of the animal leaving him stunned and still. How had he not noticed such a large animal approaching him? Had he really been that absorbed in his material?
He would have to be more cautious, he decided. He chided himself for foolishly neglecting his surroundings, his body finally relaxing after the initial shock of the encounter. Now, a deep embarrassment bubbled in his chest and settled in his cheeks. He felt stupid, a feeling he hated more than just about anything in the world. Even alone, away from the scrutinizing eyes of his peers, he was ashamed of his lack of awareness.
Despite this, his hand moved to slowly pet the snout of the stag. The hair there was coarse, something that surprised Severus. He had always imagined them to be soft animals, given how they were typically symbols of innocence and purity. His discovery helped subside his embarrassment, his mind now focused on this new information.
He sighed, leaning further into the tree he had been resting against. His free hand reached for his wand, a silent flick magically rolling his parchment around his quill, securing it with a thick piece of twine tied into a neat bow. The roll nestled itself beneath Severus’s robes with a certain finality.
He was completely focused now on the deer beside him, watching as its chest rose and fell with its steady breathing. Its eyes were open, its attention fixed on Severus just as Severus’s was on it.
Severus hated when people watched him. He hated their judgment, their pity, or their disgust. He knew he was different, that he wasn’t as attractive or charismatic as the other witches and wizards his age. He was bitter and reserved, his personality as thorny as the stem of a rose, and he did not socialize well. People didn’t easily get along with him and he was regularly considered a difficult person to be around. He was well aware of his demeanor and approachability; he was regularly reminded of such, actually.
But, under the consideration of the deer, he felt comfortable. It was nice to have something that wasn’t afraid of him, something that didn’t see him as some sort of monster, or a freak. This past year he had ruined just about the only meaningful connection in his entire life, so this feeling of acceptance had become practically nonexistent. His stomach twisted itself into painful knots at the thought.
He hated himself for what he had said to Lily. He didn’t care about her blood status, and he never had. He himself was a halfblood, something he had been reminded of regularly by his housemates, and he was well aware of the prejudices that those of “inferior” blood status faced; especially with the war so steadily approaching, its insidious tendrils creating great chasms between students.
But he had been so upset with Lily, so desperate to appease his peers now that his only companion had turned on him and befriended his tormentors, that he had severed any possibility of rekindling his relationship with her. He tried to apologize, to wait outside the Gryffindor common room, send owls to her over the summer, but he knew it was in vain. The damage had been done, and he couldn’t unsay what he had said.
He almost hated himself more for how vicious he had become, but he knew he couldn’t stop now. Certainly not after he had finally won over the likes of Rosier, Wilkes, and Mulciber. In a way, he almost felt he had the right to lash out like this, to treat people the way he had been treated. Now that he didn’t have Lily at his side to tell him to stop, like an angel on his shoulder, he was free to act on his impulses. All of which seemed to be increasingly more violent than the last, indirectly or not. His own thoughts were muddled on the subject, the war inside himself stronger now than it had ever been before. Over all, his loss of Lily was overwhelmingly bad, there was no denying that.
However, he was no longer picked on at his table, in his common room, or his dorm room. Places that should have been a sanctuary to begin with, a basic respect he had hoped would have been unconditional the first time he had hopped off of the train in his first year, had finally become a safe space. What should have made him feel more human only made him feel worse, but at least it was better than constantly being berated in what he had come to consider his home. Even with these few benefits, he couldn’t pretend that the newfound closeness he had forged with his fellow classmates made up for what he had done.
As he mindlessly stroked the deer, he felt his worries begin to melt away. The deer had brought him a strange sense of calmness, reminding him that perhaps he wasn’t as evil as he was coming to think he was. How could he be if something so gentle, and typically so skiddish, trusted him like this? That had approached him on its own accord?
After a long while, Severus tentatively slid his hand up and behind the ear of the deer, gently scratching it there. He was wary, his touch light and his hand ready to pull away at any hint of fear or reluctance in the animal. When he found none, he continued his ministrations, the deer eventually allowing itself to lean into his touch.
“You’re very brave, coming up to me like this.” He said, the faintest hint of a smile appearing on his face. He wasn’t sure why he was talking to it, and he knew it was ridiculous, but he almost felt like he had to. He couldn’t fully articulate his reasoning, but he knew he had wanted to speak with it.
“I appreciate your company, even if you’ve frightened me.” He admitted, tilting his head at it. He looked around now, scanning for any people or animals, making sure that he was completely alone. He would be mortified if someone were to see him like this, so unguarded, so vulnerable.
To his relief, all he could see was the quieting castle behind him and the sun slowly setting in the forest in front of him. Dinner was sure to be over soon, and he knew he should be heading back to his dorm before a flood of students did the same, but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to stand up.
He didn’t want to leave now, not when he had finally grown comfortable, not when something had shown him grace and trust so easily. He wished people were more like this deer, understanding until given a reason not to be. All his life he had been treated like he was some sort of mistake, undeserving of respect for simply looking and acting different.
As if he hadn’t dealt with it enough at home, James, that moronic arse, and his friends had been convinced he was the devil before he had even spoken with them. They’d taken it upon themselves to punish him for this perceived evilness, in turn leading others to follow suit. Catching himself before he became too angry, Severus heaved a sigh, expelling the painful recollections of years worth of jinxes and venomous words from his mind.
He wanted to soak up as much kindness that this animal could offer before he returned to reality, and he wouldn’t allow the likes of Potter to ruin it for him. Not after he had ruined so much else, he thought bitterly.
A stretch of silence washed over them as Severus attentively pet the deer, broken only by a small snort that nearly made Severus jump. It was therapeutic, really. Severus had simply allowed his brain to sleep, staring off into the deep woods before him. He watched as branches shook, how the final leaves of autumn began to pirouette down onto the forest floor. He almost found himself wondering how people could be scared of this place.
The movement was abrupt, pulling Severus from his thoughts instantaneously, as the deer slowly began to pull away. It rose carefully, making sure not to hit Severus with its large antlers, or knock over his neatly piled books. It was incredibly graceful for an animal its size, leaving everything just as it had been before it had come to rest with him.
Severus remained seated, his palm now cold with the loss of the deer’s face it had once cradled. Severus tried not to frown; he didn’t want the deer to leave, but he knew it was for the best. He didn’t need further suspicion about him or his whereabouts to be planted in the minds of his peers. Though he regularly skipped dinners, people would begin to question him if he wasn’t in his common room, where they normally found him, when they returned. He stared at the deer for a moment before begrudgingly moving to begin gathering his things.
With his books in his arms and his wand and homework tucked safely away in his pockets, he looked up. He wanted to say goodbye to the deer, even if it was childish, but he couldn’t. Not because he had decided better of it, but because when he had lifted his head, the deer had vanished.
The walk back to, and through, the castle was dreary and lonesome. He took the long way to the Slytherin dungeons, having heard the voices of students echoing in the halls of his usual path. He must have made it inside right as the first wave of students had finished their dinners, the crowds having been small enough to indicate that they were only the quick eaters.
He wondered if the deer had known, if maybe he had left so that Severus wouldn’t be late. He nearly laughed at himself, thoroughly amused by his own imagination. It was a nice thought, that something could care enough about him to keep him out of trouble.
He slipped into the mostly empty common room unnoticed, making his way to his fourposter and drawing the curtains. He was ahead on his homework, cold, and exhausted. If it had been any other night, had his routine not been so pleasantly disrupted, he would likely have opened his books and poured himself into his self-crafted spellwork.
But with his mind preoccupied by the tenderness of his recent encounter, the hatred that usually fueled the creation of his most impressive spells and jinxes was absent. He did not feel inclined to create anything to get back at Potter and his lackeys tonight. In fact, he wasn’t thinking about them at all. Perhaps that was the greatest gift the deer could have offered Severus, a night of peaceful slumber.