Chapter Text
“Oscar, I’m back!”
The door of their apartment opened and shut, Lando waving at him from the doorway as he took his shoes off, walking towards their kitchen. “It was busy tonight, Martin called in sick so it was just me and Nick, but I still got some time to go out on the floor towards the end of the night.”
Lando paused, drinking a glass of water he’d been filling while talking, and then made his way over.
Lando used to have little regard for Oscar’s personal space. He would press in close, their legs touching or his arm around Oscar’s shoulder. He always spoke loud and with no regard, and even when he pretended to hate it, Oscar knew that Lando knew he liked it.
Now, Lando sat a polite distance away, towards the other end of the couch. He looked, of course, amazing, even when disheveled and half undone from a night out. His hair, slightly out of place and his clothing, though tight, loosened from what had undoubtedly been hours of dancing and moving around. Even so far away, Oscar could still smell hints of his cologne.
Oscar tried to keep his voice level when he spoke.
“Yeah, uh. That’s nice. Did you get a chance to meet anyone, do anything fun?” It used to be that Lando would text Oscar throughout the night, giving him updates and details about all the odd things people were doing or who he wanted to hook up with. He had never thought that there would come a day where he’d miss getting them.
Lando looked at him, and then looked up towards the ceiling, a hand coming up to scratch through his hair as he sighed before beginning to speak. “Ah, no, not tonight. The music was good, of course, but nobody worth spending time with, really.” Then Lando looked back towards him, smiling teasingly. “Maybe one day I’ll finally convince you to join me, huh, Oscar?”
It was a hint of the banter that used to be frequent between the two of them. Oscar tried his best to play along, to return to normal. “So I can be your wingman, right? No thanks, I think I’ll stick with my materials homework, actually.” He gestured to his open laptop as he said it, the homework he hadn’t worked on for a few hours now still on the screen in front of him. He hoped that the tremor he could feel in his hand wasn’t noticeable.
“C’mon, Osc, that’s no fun at all. Maybe if you were there, I could be your-” Lando’s grin had grown, and then suddenly dropped, his eyes going wide as he clearly struggled to keep the rest of his face looking neutral. “Actually, I just remembered, you’re right, I have some homework of my own I need to do. Got a finance essay that’s due soon. Um, goodnight Oscar, I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”
And then Lando was standing and walking away, never looking back. Oscar watched as he left, eyes unwilling to stray from the sight until the door to Lando’s room clicked shut.
Lando had told him he’d finished that essay a few days ago, saying how he was going out with some friends to celebrate since it was his last midterm. Hadn’t invited Oscar along, like he’d done every other semester for the past three years since they’d become roommates Oscar's first year at university.
Not for the first time, still sat there on the couch staring at where Lando had been just a moment ago, still smelling the lingering hints of his cologne in the air, gone stale, Oscar wondered what had gone wrong between the two of them, and could only pinpoint one instance as the catalyst.
Oscar didn’t regret that he’d come out to Lando.
How could he, when he’d spent countless days and nights agonizing over it? When he’d determined, finally, that the pain of lying every time dating got brought up, or when Lando made a joke pertaining to how he was gay and Oscar was straight, or when Oscar wanted to talk about a guy he thought was cute instead of just girls happened, that the way he felt in those moments couldn’t possibly be worse than being who he was. Being himself, fully and completely, instead of having to hide.
When he’d considered every possibility, every unknown situation, every worst case scenario, and determined that if for some reason Lando ended up hating him that it would mean the two weren’t meant to be friends anyway. Definitely weren’t meant to be lovers, like he hoped might happen, the small crush he’d been harboring ever present, the main reason he’d decided to tell Lando he was bisexual in the first place.
When he’d told himself that the worst case wouldn’t happen, that they might end up closer friends, and he’d been right, even. For a little bit.
The night itself that he’d told Lando had been fine, spectacular even. Lando had teared up, pulling him into a tight embrace that had filled Oscar with reassurance and warmth. He’d seemed so happy, excited even. It had been one of the best nights of Oscar’s life.
Now it was like they barely even knew each other.
Lando had said, that night, that of course he still liked Oscar. That of course they could still live together, wasn’t even a question. That of course it was silly of Oscar to have been worried. That most of all, of course, nothing would change.
He wondered if it was just that last part or if everything else Lando had said would turn out to be a lie too. It seemed like everything had changed. In small ways, just little things, things that would be barely noticeable to someone looking in from outside but had become the only things Oscar could focus on.
It was almost worse that Lando cared enough about him to pretend everything was fine. Still got the snacks Oscar liked from the store, for now at least. Still recommended articles from his classes for Oscar to read, still sent him pictures whenever he saw a bird, even if it was less frequent. Still smiled at him, when they saw each other.
He wondered when Lando’s love for him would finally lessen enough that he’d stop doing those things, too. Any day now, if the rate he seemed to be going at was any indication.
In all the possibilities he’d considered, he’d never imagined their friendship slowly fading away. He had never imagined Lando slowly removing himself from Oscar’s life until nothing remained. Had never imagined he could possibly feel so much worse.
Maybe he did regret it. Maybe, he thought, it would have been better to lie and ache and hurt and hate himself his entire life, if only things between him and Lando could have stayed the same.
Feeling his eyes begin to water, Oscar slowly gathered his things as quietly as he could and prepared to head towards his own room for the night. He’d only stayed up to see Lando, anyway. He wasn’t sure if he ever would again.
Walking slowly, he gave one last look to Lando’s door as he passed it. His gaze lingered, wishing he knew what he could say to make things go back to the way they were before. It was too late, though, to undo what had been done.
As soon as his door was shut, he stopped holding back and let his tears begin to fall.