Chapter Text
“I think getting married the day after Joel’s birthday is such a lame idea,” Tommy said, sipping his beer.
A chuckle escaped you. “Excuse me?” you asked, interlocking your fingers with Joel as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders.
“I mean, what if you both get a divorce…Your birthday will be tainted forever, brother.”
Joel rolled his eyes at his brother’s implications. “Well,” he began, kissing your temple, “We are not getting married with a backup plan. I’ve waited too long for this, Tommy. There’s no turning back now.” The tone in his voice made your heart skip a beat, completely erasing any traces of Tommy’s joke out of the room.
You smiled, leaning up to peck Joel’s lips before looking back at Tommy. “See? Zero chance of tainting his day,” you teased, making Joel chuckle softly against your hair.
Tommy groaned, throwing his hands up in defeat. “Alright, alright, alright. Don’t start now the mushy stuff in front of my drinks,” he muttered, but a smile still tugged at the corner of his mouth.
His expression softened after the teasing light in his eyes faded. “I wish you both nothing but endless happiness,” he added, his voice filled with love that made the room feel still.
Joel smiled at Tommy, then tightened his grip on your shoulder tightened as a knowing look passed between the two brothers before Joel offered a grateful nod.
That is how some moments earn a special value when they become memories inside a wooden box you kept treasured at the back of your mind. You ordinary and quiet life suddenly turned into photographs of birthdays and breakfast in bed you couldn’t bear to look at anymore because now a knife pierced through your heart.
There was nothing to say. Words made justice to the life you had. Your life used to be completely beautiful. The most precious stone found in the middle of a frozen ground.
Until it shattered.
When the world stopped moving, your mind began counting and long forgotten was the smell of pancakes in the kitchen every single Saturday. The sky had turned out into a violent canvas of looming sadness tainted by a grey color erasing the traces or your eternal daylight.
It took the world only one mere second to stop.
And it took only two weeks to keep spinning around with the heart of three looming souls wandering over the highways of lawless land. Now everything around your reeked of blood and putrefaction imprinted on your clothes and lingering in your nose.
Now, you were sitting in the shadows inside this abandoned house, your knees pulled tightly to your chest, staring at the flame of the single candle left you had to lighting the room you were hiding at. Across from you, there was Tommy, violently rubbing the exhaustion away from his face. And far away the corner, there was Joel.
Between the two brothers, you couldn’t tell who seemed stronger to your eyes. Both of them were completely destroyed by the winds of fate, exhausted and silent. A huge great cloud had swallowed the reminiscent traces of color our of his faces. But under this light, Tommy appeared as he had managed to hold himself together despite the ship going down beneath your feet. Meanwhile, all what was left of Joel were the shattered pieces of a broken man. He was completely crushed, holding his heart in his hands.
The lively man you had live all these years had turned into nothing but a ghost floating around you. He hadn’t spoke a full sentence in days. He sat on a chair, away from you and Tommy, with his eyes fixed on the floor, staring at nothing at all while his mind must be drowning with regret. You noticed the way his right hand hovered near his wrist, how his thumb aimlessly traced the cracked glass of the watch Sarah had gifted him. The silence was defeating and it was killing you because it meant you had survived the outbreak but it meant nothing when you had lost everything else around you.
A shaky sigh escaped your lips, as you made effort stepping up, forcing your numb legs to move towards Joel. The cold of the eerie room seep right through your bones, but your only thought was the man sinking on the chair. You rummaged in your bag, and pulled out a protein bar left you had managed to bring from home.
You walked slowly towards Joel, careful not to make sudden noises that might alarm Tommy, who was still lost in his own thoughts, perhaps sleeping.
“Joel.” You whispered, kneeling in front of him and holding out the bar. “Baby, you need to eat something. Please.”
He didn’t even look at the food. He just shook his rigid head with a minimal movement you barely noticed, keeping his eyes glued to the floor, as he had nothing else to give. As he didn’t have energy left.
You felt your throat burning, so you set the bar aside. You couldn’t bear to see him like this, so broken and distant. Timidly, you reached out brushing your fingers on his hand, desperate to seek a connection, to find a trace of the man who had held you so tightly just two weeks ago, but as if it burned, the moment you skin met his, Joel flinched and pulled away. It was an involuntary reflex, an instinct born of pure trauma, but the sudden rejection hurt. It felt like falling until your bones crush against the cold pavement on an empty street with no one to witness the damage. You froze, swallowing back a lump in your throat as a sharp pang of ache rushed to your chest.
Joel realized what he had done. His bloodshot eyes, finally flicked up to meet yours for the first time after an eternity and without thinking, you closed the distance he had just created between the both of you. Still on your knees, you raised your hands and caressed his cheeks gently, feeling the rough skin of his unshaven face. His muscles tensed under your fingertips, but as your skin kept tracing soft patterns on his. His defense crumbled.
He let out a choked, ragged breath you had never heard coming out of him before. It felt unhuman. And suddenly, he wrapped his arms around you with a desperate strength. He pulled you so close against his chest it almost suffocated you, burying his face into the crook of your neck, followed by his shoulder shaking as he clung to you in silence, using you as his lifeline to a world that no longer made sense to him.
“Please don’t go,” he begged.
His words were nothing more than a broken whisper, raspy and raw against your skin, but they tore you apart. After days, these were the first words he had spoken and his voice sounded desperate.
Joel tightened his grip, his fingers digging into your shirt as if he was afraid this world would swallow you whole as well. He couldn’t lose you. Not after Sarah, and not when you were the only piece left of humanity he could hold onto.
You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him even closer, burying your hands in his hair. “I’m not going anywhere, Joel,” you promised softly, your voice broke as the tears spilled down your cheeks. “I’m right here. I’m staying right here by your side, baby.”
Joel pulled back slowly; his large hands moved from your waist up to cup your face. His palms felt rough over your irritated skin, but his touch still felt like the softest kiss on you. He looked into your eyes, his gaze burn.
“From now one,” he whispered, his voice still carried deepness, “No matter what happens out there…no matter what we run into on the road. You stay behind me. You don’t leave my sight. I mean it.”
He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against yours, his breath felt warm on your skin.
“I can’t lose you too,” he murmured, the vulnerability lacing on his voice showing the broken interior of a man who had just lost everything he had. “I wouldn’t survive it.”
You kissed away the tears he didn’t know had fallen down his cheeks.
“Please, never make me learn how to survive this life without you.” He begged. “Don’t leave me.”
Survive. No more living.
That was such an ancient word, saved for memories of a life.
Joel wasn’t asking for a future, but pleading for a lifeline he could hold onto. He was a man drowning, and you were the only piece of solid ground beneath his feet in his world.
“I’m right here,” you whispered, your lips brushing on his forehead. “I’m right here.”
He didn’t answer, but his grip on your waist tightened, almost bruising the skin, as if turning away would vanish you into the same dark void that had swallowed the rest of his life.
……………………………………..
Eventually, Joel fell asleep on the couch in the living room with his arms wrapped around you. Even in his sleep, his hold didn’t loosen around your waist. His white-knuckle grip holding the rope you were holding into. You held your breath for a moment, listening to his slowly breath coming out his heavy exhaustion. For a moment, his face softened as if the past few days hadn’t occurred. It was like one of those nights after Sarah had gone to sleep and you and Joel stayed on the couch watching the movie until the ending, but he ended up sleep on your chest.
A bittersweet smile tugged at your lips as the memory washed away. You never thought that life with with would turn into a memory. A salt tear a streamed out your eyes until your ears. You washed it away with your thumb, your heart ached at the sight of Joel.
A floorboard cracked, breaking the heavy silence.
From the other side of the living room, Tommy whispered something, his voice rumbled. You couldn’t make out the words, but the urgency in his tone was clear.
Carefully, easing yourself out from under the weight of his arms, you managed to wake him. You left him sleeping on the couch, wrapped in his fragile peace, and walked over to Tommy to see what he needed.
You stopped a few inches away from Tommy just to sit next to him, the cold air of the room biting at your skin now that you were away from Joel’s warmth. Tommy also looked exhausted, his shoulders slouched and his eyes shadowed by the same grief that was tearing you all apart.
“He is finally out?” Tommy asked in a hushed whisper, nodding towards the couch.
“Yeah,” you murmured, keeping the same tone as him. “I think his body just gave out.”
Tommy sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. He looked at the sight of his brother for a long moment, a heavy sadness settled over his features. “He won’t talk to me. He just shuts down.” His eyes shifted back to yours. “Take care of his heart. You are the only one he has left.”
You held his gaze, “You are his brother, Tommy. You are his family as well.”
A bitter, wistful smile touched his lips, he shook his head, looking down at his boots. “Yeah, I am. But family is what reminds him of everything we’ve lost. When he looks at me, he just sees the ghosts of our past, but when he looks at you…You are still the future he dreamed of.”
He reached out, his hand giving your shoulder a squeeze. “Just…don’t let him slip away.”
The future he dreamed of.
Those words suddenly felt like a fragile glass placed int your hands, beautiful, but easy to shatter.
You didn’t say anything, so you stood up and walked back to the couch.
Joel hadn’t moved. You slipped back down beside him, careful not to break the fragile sleep. You rested your head right over his heart, listening to its beating thinking on how wounded it sounded. Closing your eyes, and wrapping your arms over his forearm, you promised to the sky you would hold onto him for as long as he needed you.
…………………………..
“I can go.” You said, already slipping your bag over your shoulders.
“No.” Joel said, anger rising, contrasting to the broken man from the night before. He stood up from the couch, his jaw clenched. “You’re not going out there. It’s too messy.”
“Joel, look at you,” you said, your voice trying to remain steady as you place a hand over his chest. You could feel his heart clenching beneath your palms. “You haven’t slept in days, you’re exhausted, and you can barely hold a rifle together. Tommy and I can handle a quick run for supplies.”
“I’m fine,” he snapped, though the tremor in his hands betrayed him. He reached for his backpack, but Tommy stepped in front of him and placing a hand on his shoulder.
“She’s right, Joel.” Tommy said, his tone leaving no room to argue.
Joel looked from Tommy to you, his chest heaving as he fought against his own limitations. The fear of losing you was physical it made him throw up.
But his eyes gave away to a cold, hollow shock that cut deepened than any knife could. He looked at both of you as if you had betrayed him. His jaw tightened so hard a muscle twitched in his cheek.
“Fine,” Joel spat out. He stepped back, creating a sudden distance between you. “Do whatever the hell you want.”
He didn’t look at you again. Instead, he turned his back on both of you, walking over to the window and staring out into the beak morning light.
Tommy gave you a look, nodding toward the front door. He knew as well as you did that Joel’s anger was just a shield for the pure terror eating him alive. Without uttering another word, you followed Tommy outside, the heavy door clicked shut behind you.
After a few minutes, you saw Tommy adjusting the strap of his rifle, glancing over at you as you walk.
“Hey,” Tommy said, breaking the silence. “We haven’t had the chance to properly talk. How are you holding up?”
You didn’t stop walking, your eyes fixed on the path ahead as you adjusted your pack.
“Oh, I feel absolutely fantastic, Tommy,” you said, your voice dripped with sarcasm. “Nothing could go better as treating Joel like a toddler. I’m sure he is baking us cookies to celebrate our return later.”
Tommy let out a dry chuckle, thought there was no real humor behind it. “Yeah, well. He’ll get over it.”
You stopped dead in your tracks, shoes crunching on the cobblestones.
“Joel and I were supposed to be on our honeymoon right now,” you said, your voice cracking as your armor melted. Tommy stopped a few paces ahead of you, turning back to look at you. You stared down at the ground, your chest ached. “We didn’t even get to get married.”
Tommy looked at you, the pity dancing in his eyes was too much to bear. He opened his mouth to speak, but now words came out. What could he even possible say?
You swallowed the lump in your throat, your hand tightened around the straps of your backpack.
“Every time he looks at me, he is terrified he is going to lose his future” you whispered, looking up a Tommy, “And I’m terrified I’m making him live through this hell.”
“Without Sarah, what’s even this life, Tommy?” you asked, the question leaving cuts in your lips.
Tommy flinched. The mention of his niece’s name felt like a punch in the gut, now like a ghost steeping in front of him. He closed his eyes for a long beat, his jaw tightening.
“He is trying,” he said, opening his eyes, stepping closer to you. “I know it doesn’t look like it, and I know nothing makes sense anymore, but please…don’t give up.”
You eye watered, but you felt so exhausted you have no desire to even utter more words.
“Just…let’s get this over with. I have a bad feeling settled in my chest and I don’t want to leave Joel for any longer.” You spoke.
Tommy didn’t argue. He just gave you a nod.
………………………….
A few hours later, your packs were filled with canned food, some medical supplies, and a crushed bar of dark chocolate Joel loved. Despite the successful run, the path back home the silence crushed your chest.
You were about to open the door when a shotgun blast broke the eerie silence of the real world, filling the space with a deadly scream coming from someone inside the room. Your blood ran cold at the sound, your limbs numb, the ringing in your ears the only sound you were able to hear. Nothing else made sense, not even the desperate movements of Tommy running past you into the room.
Your heart beat too loud you felt that at any moment it would implode into tiny particles that would float away to heaven.
When the adrenaline finally broke, you forced your feet to move. You stumbled into the house, your vision blurring as you fought the ringing in your ears. The smell of burn gunpowder hit your first, sticking to your nose as you made your way inside.
That’s when you saw them on the kitchen floor. Tommy on his knees, frantically pinning Joel’s arms down. The shotgun lay a few feet away. Joel was squirming in his brother arms as a war sound tore his throat apart.
The sound of a man weeping because he was still alive.
You noticed the thread of crimson trickling from his right ear.
“Joel! Joel, look at me!” Tommy sobbed; his voice cracked as he held his brother down.
But Joel didn’t turn his head. He couldn’t hear him. His eyes were wide, staring blankly at the ceiling to nothing. He didn’t even realize you had walked into the room, trapped in the permanent silence of a man who had tried to follow his daughter into the dark, but failed.
You froze. Your hands trembled your backpack slipped down your shoulders, hitting the ground with a dull thud. The crushed chocolate bar you had brought for him felt completely worthless now. You couldn’t move as your breath caught in your throat, trapped by a horror screaming from the crypts.
As if Joel had felt your presence, his head rolled towards the door. Blood was still dripping down the side of his neck, painting his skin in a dark, horrific crimson, but his eyes, locked with yours.
The void in his eyes shattered. A wave of profound shame washed over his features. He didn’t look at Tommy anymore. He just stared at you, his chest heaving, his jaw trembling as he realized you had seen the aftermath of what he had tried to do. He wasn’t the protector, but a man who had just been caught trying to left you behind in the worst way.
His lips parted, but no sound came out. His eyes pleaded with you without uttering language. He was begging for forgiveness.
“What did you do?!” you shouted, the words ripping from your throat like broken glass shattering on the ground.
Tears streamed down your face, hot a blinding, as the shock finally melted away. You threw yourself onto the floor, your knees slamming hard on the ground right beside them.
“What did you do, Joel?! Look at me!”
Your voice was completely broken. You were sobbing so hard your vision blurred by the tears. You wanted to shake him, you wanted to hold him, you wanted to pull him back from the cliff he had just tried to jump off. Joel didn’t flinch. He watched your lips move and the tears spilling over your cheeks. The picture made his heart ache, crushing down his bones with it. The pain he had just caused would haunt him forever.
His lips parted, his jaw trembling as he tried to say something. He was trying so hard to say a word, but the pain swallowed him. He didn’t hear anything.
Before he could even utter a word, you collapsed over him, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him tightly against your chest. You just hugged him. You held him with a terrifying and desperate grip as if you could put his broken pieces together and fix his pain with the touch of your fingers.
You felt his rough hands twitching against your back, trying to return the embrace, but the fight was over for him. The adrenaline had worn off and the blood loss made him go completely still in your arms. His head fell on your shoulder and his hands dropped.
Your breath hitched. For a fleeting second you thought he had stopped breathing, but the faint pulse you felt in his throat told you his heart was still beating. Tommy crawled over the blood, his face pale as his hands trembled, reaching out to help you ease Joel’s head down on the floor.
“He’s just passed out,” Tommy whispered. Trying to comfort you as well as he grabbed your backpack, ripping it open until he found the supplied you had brought.
He knelt right beside his brother, as he tended his ear. You just watched, still frozen in your tears, as Tommy poured a bit of alcohol over the wound the bullet had left on his temple. With delicacy, he wiped the dark blood coating the side od Joel’s face. His eyes were glassy, staring at the damage the weapon had done.
“Hold his head,” Tommy murmured, his voice cracked. “Keep him still, please.”
You just nodded, placing your both hands on the sides of Joel’s head, your thumbs caressing patterns on his skin, which felt cold.
Tommy wrapped a clean bandage around his brother’s head, covering the right ear to stop the bleeding and protect the damaged ear. It felt like he was trying to bind a shattered soul back to his body, but there was no way back. When Tommy finally secured the bandage, he let out a long, ragged breath. His hands rested on Joel’s chest.
The bleeding had stopped, but the silence left behind felt permanent, as if a demon punishing you for surviving.
Tommy stayed on his knees for a long time, staring at the white bandage already starting to bloom with a small, faint spot of red.
“We need to get him off the floor,” he said, his voice flat.
You didn’t say anything, but nodded, you didn’t have the strength to put your hands away from his face, but you had to and using every ounce of strength together in your aching limbs, you and Joel lifted Joel, dragging him out the kitchen and laid him down on the couch. Tommy pulled a blanket over his brother chest, tucking him in and walked away without saying anything.
Your eyes drifted to your backpack. There, lying on the carpet was the chocolate bar. It was completely crushed now. You picked it up with a trembling hand, holding it in your palm. It felt like a cruel reminiscent of a different lifetime.
You set it aside, and you leaned forward, resting your forehead on the couch, right next to his hand. You didn’t have strength to cry anymore: your throat was too dry and your chest felt hollow, so you just hear to the faint sound of his breathing, wondering what kind of world would be waiting for him and for you when he finally opened his eyes again to this silence.
Hours bled into the late afternoon. You hadn't moved from his side. Your forehead was still pressed against the edge of the couch, your fingers loosely curled around his unmoving hand. A sharp, sudden twitch from Joel broke the silence. A groan caught in his throat, and his eyelids fluttered open, unfocused. He blinked the light away, his chest rising in a sharp, sudden gasp as the fog of unconsciousness began to clear. For a second, his eyes rolled wildly, trying to orient focus on where he was. Then, he felt the heavy, tight pressure of the bandage wrapped around his skull. Joel's breath hitched. He lifted a trembling hand, his calloused fingers brushed over gauze covering his right ear.
His expression switched from confusion, to realization, to panic. He turned his head toward you, his mouth parting to speak, but the words died in his throat. He looked at you, then frantically looked around the room, his eyes wide and bloodshot. He was realizing it. The world on his right side hadn't just gone quiet; it was completely, terrifyingly dead. There was no wind, no sound of your breathing. Nothing but a faint, mocking ring deep inside his skull. Desperate, Joel slammed his left hand on the wooden frame of the couch. On his left side, he could hear the muffled, dull thud of the impact. But on his right, there was absolutely nothing. A choked, breathless sound escaped his lips. The realization that his attempt hadn't taken his pain away; it had only left him permanently scarred, trapped in a fractured body in a world that was already broken.
You woke up the exact moment you felt him gasping in shock. You lifted your head, your vision blurry and your neck stiff, only to see Joel’s calloused fingers already clawing frantically at the thick gauze wrapped around his skull. His eyes wide and bloodshot with a terrifying, wild panic as he realized the right side of his world had gone completely dead. Before he could rip the bandages off, you scrambled to your feet and gently but firmly caught his wrists.
“Joel, stop. Look at me,” you pleaded, your voice cracking. He didn’t flinch at your voice. He didn't even turn his head until your hands shifted from his wrists up to his face, your palms pressed against his cheeks to force him to look at you. When his terrified gaze finally locked onto yours, you realized he hadn't heard a single word you'd just said. His left ear was straining, twitching slightly, desperate to catch any vibration in the room, while his right eye remained fixed on your lips.
“Joel,” you repeated, moving closer to his left side so your voice could reach the only part of him that could still hear. You lowered your head, your forehead resting lightly against his temple, your breath warm against his skin. “I’m here. You’re okay. Please, just breathe.” A shuddering, broken breath finally escaped his lips. Hearing your voice seemed to anchor him just enough to keep him from spinning completely out of control. He didn't try to push you away this time. Instead, his fingers slowly curled around your forearms, gripping you with a desperate, bruising strength as he closed his eyes, leaning his forehead on yours.
His eyes opened again, glassy and red, searching your face for any sign that you were real and not a cruel trick of his mind.
“Baby…” he breathed out. The word was rough, cracked, and slightly too loud because he couldn't gauge the sound of his own voice through the ringing in his skull. But it was the most beautiful thing you had ever heard in days. It was a tiny piece of the man you loved and love, reaching out to you.
Your throat tightened; fresh tears blurred your vision. Without a word, you reached into the inner pocket of your jacket lying on the floor. Your fingers brushed past the crushed chocolate bar and wrapped around two small, heavy metal circles. The silver bands you were supposed to exchange just a few days after the outbreak. The ones you had secretly salvaged from the house before you fled. You pulled them out and gently pressed the rings into his trembling palm.
“What is this?” he asked, his voice rough as he stared down at the small metal circles in his palm.
“Our wedding bands” you whispered into his left side, leaning close so your breath brushed his skin to give him comfort.
“Where did you find them?”
“I didn’t trust anyone with them so I got them. Well…Sarah,” your voice cracked at the mention of her name. You noticed how Joel’s breath instantly stopped and his eyes watered as well.
You took both bands and place them on his open palm, the gold caught the dim light. “She was so happy to have them. I took them when we fled the house.”
Joel stared at the rings in his hand. Hearing his baby girl’s name and imagine a future you were planning, but you wouldn’t reach made his heart break. He looked from the golden bands up to your face.
“You will get mine, and I will get yours,” you said, your voice thick with tears as you gently picked up your ring and placed it in his pal, keeping his in your hand. “So, every time we get lost, we will find our way back to each other.”
Joel just leaned forward, burying his face into the crook of your neck and kissing your skin.