Chapter Text
"Grapes."
....
"Grapes-ie."
There was a kind and pleasant male voice sounding through the nothingness that made up this space.
"Soleum-ah", then a brief silence as if waiting for an answer before the voice resounded again, a slight irritation laced over it.
"Wasn't this supposed to work?"
A sound like someone running a hand through their hair.
"Grapes-ie, you have to let us know if you can hear us." A nervous laugh.
"Agent."
"Yes yes, I get it, let this senior have his moment of unease." An agitated sigh. "Haah, I would also be weirded out if some stranger's voices suddenly started talking in my head. What if Grapes-ie thinks he has turned mad and decides to put himself into a mental health ward?"
Another sigh, but this time from another voice. A deeper one.
"Agent. You're saying unnecessary and ridiculous things. Give him time."
"No, listen, I'm just considering all the possibilities. That is something I should do as a responsible senior."
"Choi."
"Fine, whatever, don't listen to me." A pouting that was clearly placed intentionally, turning the words somewhat theatrical.
...
The silence stretched on. After some more moments passed, the voice turned soft.
"You know, I just.. wanted to hear him again."
"..."
Silence, and then,
"We all do."
☾·༺ :·༻·
I woke up, less rested than expected. Or not expected at all; it wasn't like I was able to sleep long these days. If I stayed awake for long enough, then maybe I could sleep two or three hours, not counting the times when I awoke in a cold sweat, nightmares catching up to me. Weirdly enough, I couldn't remember a single thing about them afterwards. I didn't know if I should be grateful for this or not.
The point is, even now after everything was over, I still had trouble digesting everything that happened. It's been around 3 months so far. 3 months since I returned and started trying to pretend that I was a fully functioning member of society, working throughout the day, faking smiles to clients or superiors, and returning to my apartment in the evening. The home I was so desperate to return to. The reason why I was able to hold on all this time, the reason why I didn't stay.
I looked at the alarm clock sitting on my night table, the LED showing numbers that seemed to mock me. 4:12 am.
Naturally, it was still too early to get ready for work, but hoping to be able to fall asleep again would be a wasted effort. I knew because I had tried before.
Instinctively, I grabbed my phone, opened Google and started typing words into the search bar. Letters that I had typed out countless times before, carved into my brain and engraved into the muscle memory of my fingers. That's why I only noticed halfway through the words:
'Ah.'
I stared at what I had typed out, a low panic surging through me.
Dark Exploration Re-
Shit. Some habits die hard, they say, right? I quickly closed the Google tab again and put my phone away. Maybe I really should start getting ready for work after all. At least my mind would be occupied with something other than..
No, let's not think about this anymore. It wouldn't change anything after all, only ripping open wounds again that had barely started to heal.
☾·༺ :·༻·
"Wow, your eye bags are so enormous I barely am able to see your eyes. Are you sure you're resting enough these days?"
A shadow was cast above my work desk, the person belonging to it looking down at me in fake pity.
Look how they pretended to care about you when all they care about is the work that wouldn't be done if you slacked off because of health issues. It was ridiculous.
Nevertheless, I curved my lips into a light smile before answering in a somewhat timid voice that would give the expression of "Oh, I didn't know it was so obvious, I'm sorry to be a bother."
"Ah, I'm trying. It's getting better though, so please don't worry. Thank you for your concerns." Concerns my ass.
The other person, one of my superiors, fell silent for a moment as if taken aback. Then he chuckled lightly.
'Now he'll say how it's okay and how I should take a day off if it's getting too much.'
"It's fine, I didn't want to call you out. But your personal health is important, so if it's too much, you should probably take a day off to recover."
'There you go.'
The unsaid words were quite clear: "Go home if you don't feel good, else you're tainting the work morale and putting down everyone else with you."
"Understood. Thank you."
It was bothersome, but he finally left and let me alone again. It wasn't like I would actually take a day off; I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts, tempting myself to open that website again because I couldn't hold myself back.
.. but was it that wrong wanting to know what happened to everyone? The people that cared so much about me? The one that tried so much to get me home?
Maybe I really should-
'Stop it.'
I had to calm down my thoughts; they would not bring me anywhere where I wanted to be. It's already over and I had to accept that. Opening that website to take a look at everything that was going on felt wrong. Even merely thinking about going back would be like kicking their efforts to bring me back to my world with both feet, showing the middle finger and saying "fuck you" in their faces. I absolutely couldn't be doing that.
It would be too shameless.
So I just focused back on the monitor in front of me, typing emails, printing out papers and filling out paperwork that was utterly boring and unnecessarily long. Such a contrast to saving people and risking your own life every day.
'Haah.'
So, hours passed with nothing noteworthy happening. And when the sky started to turn red and orange, I finally packed my stuff, shutting down the computer and making my way to the elevator. There were mirrors on both sides. I tried not to think about the time I played rock paper scissors with myself in such an environment, quietly staring ahead and waiting until it reached the ground floor. I went through the front entrance, leaving the company building behind.
☾·༺ :·༻·
Entering my apartment, I closed the door behind me and turned on the light. On my way back, I bought some takeout, not having the motivation to cook after another exhausting day. I took it to the small kitchen table, sitting down on the chair. Breaking apart the point where the wooden chopsticks connected, I put them down again before opening the fridge absentmindedly. I closed it again. Opening. Closing.
It was like the times when, after closing and opening it often enough, maybe something that wasn't there before would magically appear, and one would know instantly that it was what they had wanted to take out all along.
Of course that didn't happen and I wasn't sure what I'd expected, so in the end I settled for a bottle of water.
Sitting back down at the table, I once again took the chopsticks and lifted some of the rice into my mouth.
"..."
My eyebrows twisted in disappointment. The rice was already cold and somewhat hard. Utterly tasteless.
What a waste of money, thank you very much.
'Man, maybe I should really leave a bad review; ripping off customers like that. How unlucky.'
"..."
...that wasn't something I would normally say, was it? It felt like a certain agent rubbed off on me. Sigh.
I still ate it because I had already paid for it and it would be a shame to throw it out. In the end, it would feed my stomach, so it was fine. I put the leftovers in the fridge, already lamenting the poor future me who would have to reheat them.
After eating, I took a shower before lying down in bed. It was soft, unlike the ones in the motels where I had been staying when I was still living there. And unlike back then, my room now actually had personal belongings other than my clothing.
'Stop it.'
I sighed, and turning to the other side, I peeked through the gap in the curtains where the moonlight shone in.
I didn't know how long I stared into the night like this before the voices in my head turned quieter and my eyes fell shut, drifting off to a light sleep.
☾·༺ :·༻·
"Test, test, one two, test-"
"Stop it."
Maybe the voices in my head decided not to stay silent for too long because right now they started to act up and bother me again, even while I'm sleeping. How annoying.
"Do you think if we pester him long enough like this, then he'll start acknowledging us?"
Voices that didn't want to shut up no matter how hard I tried.
"Agent Grapes. Ignore him. I would have come alone if he didn't insist on it this much."
"Wow, how heartless." After another moment, the voice turned towards... yes, towards what exactly?
"Grapes-ie." The tone sounded gentle, as if soothing a lost child. "We're back."
"..."
Back to what? My sleep-deprived brain tried making sense of the voices, not quite being able to understand the meaning behind the words spoken. It didn't feel like one of those nightmares, but maybe that was what made it even more unsettling.
"There had been another mission at the bureau today, you wanna hear?" The voice that seemed somehow familiar said.
"A rescue mission in a bookstore, the stairs actually disappeared after going up the first floor." After a second, "Ah, it's not like they disappeared, but they only continued to go up, as if there was a clean cut to where one just went up a floor. Quite spooky, isn't it? And every floor has its unique layout with a different theme... Bronze-ie, do you think it's okay to list the details?"
"...didn't you just start explaining anyway?" The deeper voice answered, somewhat irritated.
"Anyways, ahem", the other continued after clearing their throat, completely disregarding the other. I was sure that if the voice had a face, it would be grinning in self-satisfaction right now. "We had to go all the way up for the stairs to reappear, picking up the civilians on the way. Luckily, they were not hurt much or anything, so after the bureau clears their memories of this disaster, they should be fine." A small laugh.
"Isn't that great, Grapes-ie? We managed to save them, just like you would have done. I wonder which ways you would have come up with to do this all more efficiently." And then, voice turning low, incredibly soft and gentle: "But look how these seniors aren't that helpless without you, alright?"
"..."
Something bothered me. Was it the name they constantly repeated or the familiarity of the voices?
But then again, because it was all in my head, wasn't it natural that the voices sounded familiar? It would be weirder if they didn't. But somehow...somehow-
"Agent Grapes." The deeper voice cut through the air, bringing my thoughts to a screeching halt. "Are you doing well?" Then, as if hesitating, "The waiting room turned much more silent without you."
I didn't understand why they sounded so unbearably sad? As if something close to them disappeared, slipped out of their hands and was now gone forever. That type of sadness. But if something disappeared, shouldn't one be able to replace it?
"Eh-hey, this senior can talk more if-"
"No."
"Aye sir."
I thought that the banter between those two voices was unexplainably funny for some reason, and somewhere deep in my chest, there was an ache of nostalgic nature. Why? Why did it hurt when there was no reason for it to be hurting? It was another of the countless things I couldn't make sense of.
"Agent Grapes. This is your dreamscape, so if you want to banish this person, please feel free on doing so."
"The disrespect??"
Maybe it wouldn't be bad to listen to them a little bit longer.
☾·༺ :·༻·
This morning, I didn't feel as dead as the previous days. There were no nightmares even though I still couldn't remember much. Still, this was a good thing, right?
Today was Saturday, so there was no need to get up to ready myself for work. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my free day; maybe I should go somewhere? A look out of the window quickly convinced me otherwise. The pitter-patter of the rain slashed across the glass, the grey of the clouds making it seem as if it was still nighttime. What unpleasant weather, really.
But what could I do? I guessed I would just hold on in my apartment; maybe it was time to get some real hobbies.
What did I do before in my free time?
Right.
Reading that. Can't really do this now, can I? But maybe just a little peek-
'No.'
But reading wasn't actually a bad idea. Since I didn't have a lot of books at my apartment that interested me at all- why did I buy them again?- I just opened another webnovel website and scrolled through the options. Of course, beforehand, I filtered out the horror genre options, just in case of triggering memories I didn't want to think about.
'So what do we have?'
Fantasy with dragons, witches or fairies, thrillers where you probably would already know after some chapters who the serial killer is, and comedy that wasn't really funny.
'Sigh.'
Did the Exploration Records really tamper with my taste in novels this much? I scrolled further down absentmindedly, not thinking much before clicking on some random novel in resignation and starting to read.
It actually wasn't that bad?
The story was about some random dude waking up in the body of another guy who just died, a world where one can get powers by drinking some very suspicious potions. With every chapter, I grew more engrossed in the story, the hours passing by.
As it turned out, the poor guy never left his planet to begin with, being put in a sort of cocoon by an unknown entity before he woke up, not remembering anything but the life he had just lived moments before getting pulled into all of this.
...
'Wait.'
D-didn't this sound too familiar?
"..."
Wow. Really.
How unlucky must I be to get this thrown into my face when it hadn't even been half a year since I left this source of my trauma? Great, seriously. Am I doomed to never escape this nightmare?
I sighed. Enough reading for today. I put my phone away again before staring at the white ceiling. The sound of my stomach grumbling and complaining about being empty told me that quite some time had passed since I started reading that novel. At least now I was hours closer to Sunday, and Sunday is closer to Monday, when I can return to work to occupy my mind with things that didn't put me into a crushing depression.
'Let's just eat something.'
For the record, since I was too invested in that webnovel, I unintentionally skipped breakfast and lunch, so this now would very well count as dinner. Whoops?
I reheated the take-out from the day before, mentally preparing myself to finish this bland food.
One bite, two bites. It was even worse than yesterday.
'Think about the money.' I tried to rationalize why I was doing this to myself.
Although the window was slightly open, I didn't hear any birds or other noises. I assumed that even though the rain had already stopped some time ago, people preferred to stay indoors, and the birds who took cover from the rain just hadn't come forward again yet. In other words, it was silent.
"..."
Wait.
Something in my brain tried to connect, a faded memory coming forward, dark silhouettes I couldn't properly describe because they were mostly formless, but somehow I felt like I had just seen them recently? Where was it? I didn't go outside today and I didn't visit other places much other than work, so why was it so hard to assign those silhouettes to objects? Or to people?
'Haah.'
It was truly frustrating, the gears in my head turning on full speed.
'No.'
Let's go over my last thoughts again and figure out the trigger.
Bland food? No, that wasn't it.
The weather? Nah, although it sucked, it didn't ring a bell in particular.
Birds? No, seriously, why would birds be the problem?
"..."
Ah.
The noises. Or rather, the absence of those. The silence.
Yes, that was it. Why did it trigger this feeling in my chest? The silhouettes I didn't remember seeing recently but had the feeling that I clearly should? It was suffocating. It made me want to rip out my hair in frustration.
I tried to concentrate and focus, but it didn't help much. Nothing came up.
I sighed in resignation.
'Then let's just eat up and take a shower.'
If it was important, it would come up alone again anyway, right? So no need to hover over it more than necessary.
Anyway, I finished eating, washed myself up in the bathroom, and fell right back on top of my bed. It was still so soft. I buried my head in the sheets, breathing in the fragrance of the laundry detergent I used and calming down.
I was just lying there while seconds turned into minutes; I didn't know exactly how much time passed.
The story of the novel I had read today retold itself in my head, going over certain plot points over and over again. I didn't have the strength to stop myself from thinking about it, so I just let it happen until at some point, the thoughts vanished and I drifted off to sleep once again.
☾·༺ :·༻·
...
Wait.
Something felt weird. Different.
"..."
'Ah.'
I was awake in my dream. Or rather, this space that somehow was like a white space, showing nothing in particular no matter how far I looked. It reminded me of a never-ending snowfield, beautiful in its own way.
It was weirdly mind-clearing, having to not look at anything at all. Being not anywhere at all.
So I just lay there, closing my eyes and enjoying those silent moments where the voices in my head were silent for once, not screaming at me to do whatever. It was peaceful, really.
Maybe I even subconsciously wished that I could stay here forever. My own little snowfield.
....
....
"Grapes-ie."
"..."
"Agent Grapes."
Ah. So the voices could even reach my own little snowfield. What a shame, truly. Maybe if I tuned them out for long enough, they would go away by themselves and let me bathe in my peace for a little while longer.
"How often have we tried now?"
"Eyy, not often enough, let's just talk nicely again, and maybe one day he'll answer if he feels like it?"
"... sure."
In fact, the voices didn't leave. They were somewhat blurred, but I liked the tone of them; the pronunciation of words and intonation made my chest feel warm for some reason.
"Hm, so what shall we talk about today? Sharing everyday life is always good, right? Then...ah!" A dramatic pause in speech. "Grapes, guess what? Bronze-ie tripped and almost kissed the ground today 'cuz some cat decided to dash in front of his feet and-"
"Agent!"
"What? I thought it wouldn't be fair if we didn't let our Grapes know what disaster almost befell you today, he surely would be worried." This voice was clearly teasing the other one, pretending not to understand their agitation.
There was a sound of gritting teeth before words were spat out sharply.
"..Choi."
"Yea yea, I understand, I'll stop, okay? Just wanted to lift the mood a little." A helpless sigh. Somehow I had the feeling that the imagery of someone holding up their hands in defense would be very fitting.
I heard hushed muttering that seemed like a short discussion between the two voices before a silence fell. My eyes were still closed; I couldn't bring myself to open them because I was so comfy.
"You know.. the bureau changed quite a bit since that day. Since that seal broke." A short break as if gathering himself. "Agents we didn't even know existed returned, giving statements and putting us through a paperwork hell. But they're breathing. You could even say the bureau got a bit overcrowded because of it, haha." There was a faint smile to this voice.
"A lot of it is all thanks to you, Grapes-ie. But even though the bureau got crowded, our waiting room, Hyunmoo Team 1's waiting room, still feels empty, too lifeless. Way too much for only 2 people."
There it was again, that indescribable sadness as if something so precious they could die was irredeemably lost.
"But we never erased the words from the whiteboard, y'know. Sometimes we just look at them mindlessly as if the one writing them would just magically appear through the door again as if he had never left. As if he would just come back and say 'why u staring at those words like an idiot?'"
"...Agent Choi." The deeper voice warned.
"Ah, yes, I know, he wouldn't actually say that, it doesn't sound like him at all, right?" A muffled chuckle. "I know.. our Grapes-ie is kind and good-hearted; he wouldn't call his poor seniors idiots, haha."
...
The silence grew again. One moment, two and then three. The uneasiness in my heart grew. Again, I wondered if it was the familiarity of the voices or the name that was constantly repeated. How did they call it?
'Gr..Grapes..'
Weird. The hurting in my chest got mind-numbing and I had the feeling that I groaned out of sheer pain.
The deeper voice softly spoke up again.
"Agent Haegeum and team leader provided this method to us to try connecting to your world.. or rather, to you. It only works if you are asleep, though, so we don't really know if you actually remember us when you wake up. Or if you can acknowledge us at all."
Was that deep-rooted regret in his voice?
"..."
Wait.
Somehow.
My eyes tried to crack open a bit. I knew I was asleep now; I clearly remember lying down in my snowfield here after coming to the realization that I was dreaming.
And those voices, they said something about being asleep and waking up. And that name. The voices that sounded familiar.
So what if.
"..."
I forced my eyes open. I was still lying in this white space of nothingness, the one I called snowfield.
There was silence. I blinked. Still silence. Did I merely hallucinate? I waited for a moment, then-
"Agent, did you notice?"
"The change in atmosphere? He's still clearly dreaming, but somehow it feels more lively, more reactive. I wonder.." The voice trailed off.
"Grapes-ie?"
I blinked. Huh? Wasn't this just.. the voices of..
I didn't really dare to end this train of thought. Because, how? How would it be possible?
"Soleum-ah."
'No way.'
The way this voice was laced with an undeniable trace of hope made me sick to the stomach.
I opened my mouth in response, but nothing came out. What would I even say? Words formed and fell apart in my mouth; I just didn't know. For god's sake, I didn't even know if this situation was real at all. Maybe the sleepless nights caught up to me and my brain decided to go rampant.
"..."
A low muttering echoed that I couldn't quite discern.
".. maybe we misinterpreted."
"It's possible."
A bitterness that was barely concealed hanging thickly in the air.
"..."
Another silence where my mushed brain tried to come up with something, anything to say. Please, work.
And then, after an endless while:
"... a-agent?"
My voice sounded so strange, so wrong in my ears, so utterly broken and hoarse.
...
...
Two breathless voices overlapped at the same time.
"Agent Grapes?"
"Grapes-ie?"
'Ah.'
...
..
☾·༺ :·༻·