Chapter Text
Dear diary,
I can't define how I feel right now, but perhaps my fault is trying to define it at all.
I’m like a boat on perfectly still waters; irregularly still - it’s almost uncanny how stationary the water is and I feel a natural unease about it.
I feel the desperate urge to push my hands into the ocean, to rock the boat enough to delude myself into a storm, sloshing and spinning in the uncharted sea.I hate any sort of thunder but I can acknowledge its charm, and how despite hating it, I yearn for it like I yearn for the touch of somebody I’ve never felt.
I could hurt myself, or binge, or hit myself against a wall, but I’ve been conditioned better than that. The people around me, my father in truth, tell me to refrain and I listen to them, foolishly enough. I don’t listen to others, I have free will, but I’ve been feeling rather helpless as of late and perhaps that's the very definition of what I’ve been feeling all along, but I hesitate to admit it because at the end of the day, I find some novelty in the despair I feel gravelling for answers like a cat.
I’ve been told to keep a journal, and perhaps that is what I’m doing right now, but I’d rather not call it that for fear of committing to a practice I have no intention of doing regularly. I hope that does not offend you, my dear diary.
Sincerely,
Your melodramatic teen.