Work Text:
AITA for being upset that I found out my boyfriend used to be the Winter Soldier?
I genuinely don't know where to start with this. I (F, 20s) have been dating my boyfriend, "B" (M, 30s... technically), for almost a year.
We met through mutual friends, and he was, at first, incredibly quiet. Like, concerningly quiet. I thought he didn't like me. Turns out, he just has the social skills of a Victorian ghost.
Once he got comfortable with me, though, he was sweet. Awkward, but sweet.
He remembers how I take my coffee. He always walks on the outside of the sidewalk. He pretends he doesn't like romantic movies but has cried during at least two of them. He also insists on carrying every single grocery bag at once, even when I tell him I can help.
There were weird things, though. For starters, he doesn't have social media. He avoids cameras whenever possible. He knows an unsettling amount about weapons and assassination attempts. He wakes up from nightmares and sometimes doesn't seem to recognize where he is.
And then there was his arm.
I knew it wasn't real. He told me he'd lost it a long time ago and didn't want to talk about what happened.
I respected that. I never pushed. Because trauma is trauma, and everyone deserves to decide when they're ready to talk about the worst things that ever happened to them.
What I did not know was that my boyfriend's traumatic past involved being a brainwashed assassin responsible for approximately every terrible thing I've ever heard about on the news.
I found out three days ago. We were watching television. There was some documentary on about old HYDRA operations, and I was barely paying attention until a picture appeared on the screen.
It was grainy. Black and white. A man standing in the snow. Long hair. Metal arm. Mask. The narrator called him the Winter Soldier.
I laughed. I actually laughed. Then I looked over at B. And he had gone completely still. Not normal still. The kind of still where every survival instinct in your body suddenly starts screaming that something is very, very wrong.
So I asked him why he looked like he'd seen a ghost. He didn't answer. I asked him again. Still nothing. Then I pointed at the television. At the photograph. At the man who looked exactly like my boyfriend.
And I said without even thinking about it:"Bucky?"
He closed his eyes. Just closed his eyes. And that's when I knew. My boyfriend is Bucky Barnes. James Buchanan Barnes. The former best friend of Captain America. The man who supposedly died in the 1940s. The man who had been turned into HYDRA's brainwashed assassin. The Winter Soldier.
I don't remember exactly what I said. I think I asked him if this was some kind of joke.
He said no.
I asked if Steve knew.
He said yes.
I asked if Natasha knew.
He said yes.
Sam?
Yes.
Everyone apparently knew. Which was fantastic. Wonderful. Nothing makes you feel more included in your relationship than discovering that your boyfriend's entire friend group has been keeping a massive international secret from you.
I asked Bucky how long he had planned on hiding it. He went quiet. And because apparently I enjoy emotional self-destruction, I asked if he had ever planned on telling me at all.
That was when he looked at me. And I've never seen him look that scared before. Not during thunderstorms. Not when he'd had nightmares. Not even when Steve accidentally set off the smoke alarm and Bucky had nearly launched himself through a window.
He looked terrified. "I didn't want you to be afraid of me," he said.
And that should have broken my heart. Instead, I got angry. I told him I wasn't angry because he'd been the Winter Soldier. I was angry because he had spent almost a year letting me fall in love with him while hiding something that enormous from me.
He said he hadn't lied. Which, technically, is true. He just conveniently neglected to mention things. Like his involvement in several decades of international assassinations. Or the fact that he had been cryogenically frozen between missions. Or that his best friend is Captain America. Or that he occasionally wakes up speaking languages he doesn't remember learning.
Minor details. Apparently.
He told me he didn't know how to explain it.
And I understand that. I don't know how I'd explain it either. "Hey, before you meet my friends, I should mention that I was brainwashed by a secret Nazi organization and used as a weapon for seventy years."
Not exactly first-date material. But still. I'm hurt. I feel like I don't know which parts of our relationship were real. And before anyone says something about how ridiculous that is, I know Bucky's feelings for me were real. That's almost worse.
Because now I know that he loved me while simultaneously believing that telling me the truth might make me leave him. And I hate that.
I hate that he was afraid. I hate HYDRA. I hate that someone convinced him he was nothing but a weapon. And I hate that I can be furious with him while still wanting to hold him when he looks at me like I'm about to disappear.
I told him I needed space. He left. Not before asking me, very quietly, if I was safe. Which was annoying. Because even after I had just found out that my boyfriend used to be one of the most feared assassins in history, he was still worried about me.
Sam came over later.
Apparently, he had been sent to "check on both of us."
I asked him if he knew. He said yes. I asked if he was going to tell me.
He said, "Lady, I value my life."
Helpful.
Steve hasn't contacted me yet. Which I suspect is because Bucky threatened him.
Natasha sent me a text saying: Don't let him brood himself into a grave.
So apparently this is my responsibility now. I haven't answered Bucky's messages. Not because I hate him. I don't. I just don't know what to say. Because I found out the man I love used to be the Winter Soldier. A deadly assassin. A weapon of mass destruction. And he found out that his girlfriend gets incredibly angry when people withhold life-altering information.
So.
AITA for being upset that my boyfriend didn't tell me he used to be the Winter Soldier?
ETA:
To everyone asking if he has ever hurt me, no. Never. He has never even raised his voice at me. One time he accidentally stepped on my foot and apologized so many times that I eventually had to threaten to leave the restaurant if he didn't stop.
ETA2:
Bucky came back. He didn't come inside. He just stood outside my apartment building until I noticed him. When I asked what he was doing, he said he wanted to make sure I was okay. I told him he could have texted.
He said he had. I checked my phone. Thirty-seven unread messages.
Most of them just said things like:
Are you okay? Please eat something. I know you're angry. You have every right to be. I'm sorry.
And one, at 2:14 in the morning, that just said:
I love you. I should have told you.
So now I'm crying. Which is irritating.
Final update because people keep asking:
I finally let him inside. He stood in my living room like he was waiting to be sentenced. I told him I was still angry.
He nodded.
I told him I needed time.
He nodded again.
Then I asked him if he would tell me everything.
Everything HYDRA did. Everything he remembered. Everything he was still afraid to say.
He looked at me for a long time. Then he sat down beside me. "Everything," he said.
So that's where we are now. I'm not leaving him. But I am making Steve explain why he thought it was acceptable to let me date his emotionally constipated, formerly brainwashed best friend without giving me even a single warning.
Apparently, I have a lot of questions. Bucky has a lot of answers. And HYDRA can go directly to hell.