Work Text:
@BioticMenace2183 added @DrTsoniEDU to the group.
@BioticMenace2183 added @itsjokingtime to the group.
@BioticMenace2183 added @shaleididnothingwrong to the group.
@BioticMenace2183 added @notarchangel to the group.
@BioticMenace2183 added @mirilaw to the group.
@BioticMenace2183 changed the group name: Celebrity TRAITORS
[BioticMenace2183] alright fuckers
[BioticMenace2183] which one of you did it
[itsjokingtime] who did what now
[itsjokingtime] also good morning???
[itsjokingtime] why am I being accused of treason outside regular business hours
[shaleididnothingwrong] Shepard, is this about what Liara texted me earlier?
[shaleididnothingwrong] I don't know how I could possibly be responsible for your mother deciding to come visit you
[itsjokingtime] why are you awake, tali? isn't it like, stupid late for you right now?
[itsjokingtime] ooh, time for a dressing down from el capitan, huh? hate to be you right now, hera
[itsjokingtime] you know, i saw her in the shipyard last night and she looked ready to commit a crime. if i had known it was about you I might have warned you
[BioticMenace2183] i know where you sleep, joker
[itsjokingtime] I'd be a lot more scared if we weren't on different continents right now
[itsjokingtime] and you know, you weren't in gay baby jail
[shaleididnothingwrong] @itsjokingtime I'm not asleep because my show's on
[shaleididnothingwrong] Except in this case my show is "Hera's having a mental breakdown about her mother"
[shaleididnothingwrong] ... There's not a lot to do while I wait for code updates to compile on the Neema's drive core.
[DrTsoniEDU] Hera, I don't know what you're talking about. Did something else happen?
[BioticMenace2183] @DrTsoniEDU someone in this chat is a traitor is what happened
[BioticMenace2183] they know what they did
[BioticMenace2183] and until they own up to it we're going to sit here and speculate on what it could be they've done
[BioticMenace2183] eventually spiraling in to every possible worse scenario
[BioticMenace2183] and if any of u fuckers check my email that's cheating
[BioticMenace2183] i notice there are some parties who are being SUSPICIOUSLY QUIET
[BioticMenace2183] almost as if THEY FEEL GUILTY
[itsjokingtime] or, hear me out here, they're asleep
[itsjokingtime] not everyone is on fucked up earth time
[itsjokingtime] you and I aren't even in the same time zone on earth
[BioticMenace2183] joker you're supposed to be on my side
[BioticMenace2183] you're only here because edi could also be the person who did this to me but she doesn't have an FTL address
[itsjokingtime] how drunk are you, be honest
[BioticMenace2183] how drunk are YOU?
[itsjokingtime] not at all, some of us actually have jobs to do, you know, for the good of mankind or some shit
[mirilaw] As fun as this crash out has been, I have no idea what's going on here. So whatever happened, it wasn't me.
@mirilaw left the group.
[BioticMenace2183] MIRANDA GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE
@BioticMenace2183 added @mirilaw to the group.
[BioticMenace2183] THIS IS A HOSTAGE SITUATION
[BioticMenace2183] NONE OF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LEAVE UNTIL ONE OF YOU OWN UP TO THIS
[mirilaw] Have you considered, Hera, that it wasn't any of us? You do know other people, I'd like to point out.
[shaleididnothingwrong] No wait Miranda has a point, Shepard
[shaleididnothingwrong] Maybe Anderson?
[BioticMenace2183] i'm not releasing my hostages until garrus pipes up to defend himself
[BioticMenace2183] and ya'll know how he is about checking his messages
[BioticMenace2183] we may be here a while
[itsjokingtime] I gotta defend my bro here, hera
[itsjokingtime] man worships the ground you walk on
[itsjokingtime] why would he risk your formidable ire
[BioticMenace2183] i've laid out my demands for the release of the hostages and i don't negotiate with terrorists
[BioticMenace2183] since we're all stuck here until my demands are met, how's life?
[shaleididnothingwrong] I thought you didn't negotiate with terrorists
[BioticMenace2183] what, a girl can't ask a terrorist about their day?
[BioticMenace2183] becoming a terrorist changed you, tali
[BioticMenace2183] don't think i've forgotten you called my very valid crash out "your show"
[shaleididnothingwrong] You're not disproving my point right now
[shaleididnothingwrong] I don't know about everyone else, but I'm having a great time
[BioticMenace2183] mean to me
[BioticMenace2183] see if i ever help you with stress again
[shaleididnothingwrong] Not likely, Hera
[shaleididnothingwrong] You can't keep your hands to yourself
[shaleididnothingwrong] I think my stress levels will stay safely down should we ever be in proximity
[itsjokingtime] GROSS
[itsjokingtime] did you take pictures
@BioticMenace2183 removed @itsjokingtime from the group.
[BioticMenace2183] whelp, at least we can rule out joker
[BioticMenace2183] ... who was here to rule out edi
[BioticMenace2183] goddamnit
@BioticMenace2183 added @itsjokingtime to the group.
[BioticMenace2183] don't be gross joker
[itsjokingtime] don't sexually harass our chief engineer
[BioticMenace2183] it's not sexual harassment if she asks politely
[itsjokingtime] I restate my question with emphasis: did you take pictures?
[itsjokingtime] wait why are we here again?
[itsjokingtime] your mom's coming for a visit?
[BioticMenace2183] no joker
[BioticMenace2183] i'm crashing out about my mother coming to visit
[BioticMenace2183] and one of u chucklefucks found out about the binge drinking i plan to do about it
[BioticMenace2183] and reacted with a betrayal
[BioticMenace2183] you're all on trial
[BioticMenace2183] until the truth comes out about who did it
[BioticMenace2183] keep up
[itsjokingtime] oh is that all?
[itsjokingtime] if I had known it was binge-drinking o'clock I would have prepped my little umbrellas
[itsjokingtime] EDI says she knows who did it btw
[itsjokingtime] I can be persuaded to negotiate for this information on your behalf
[itsjokingtime] all you have to do is tell me if there are pictures
[BioticMenace2183] TERRORIST
[BioticMenace2183] i'm never telling you where and with whom i've had sex on the normandy
[BioticMenace2183] unrelated, don't ever use a blacklight anywhere on the normandy
[BioticMenace2183] did u know thulium fluoresces under blacklight?
[BioticMenace2183] it makes the normandy look like a crime scene anywhere garrus has touched
[shaleididnothingwrong] Why do you know this, Shepard?
[shaleididnothingwrong] Do I actually want to know?
[BioticMenace2183] i wanted to know what it tasted like
[BioticMenace2183] so i ran an extranet search
[BioticMenace2183] and it turns out it's mildly radioactive and fluoresces under blacklight
[BioticMenace2183] as if i'd ever let that stop me
[BioticMenace2183] don't tell me you've never searched this tali
[BioticMenace2183] i know you want to know what bellicus tastes like
[shaleididnothingwrong] I don't need to wonder, Hera
[shaleididnothingwrong] I know what a turian tastes like
[itsjokingtime] I'm becoming less concerned with which bits of the Normandy have your DNA all over them and more concerned about how much game Garrus seems to have
[BioticMenace2183] none
[shaleididnothingwrong] None
[DrTsoniEDU] None, whatsoever.
[DrTsoniEDU] And before anyone asks, no.
[notarchangel] I have plenty of game.
[notarchangel] What's game?
[BioticMenace2183] at last the council of motherfuckers convenes
[BioticMenace2183] so which one of you was it
[notarchangel] I have no idea what you're talking about, Hera.
[notarchangel] Let me catch up.
[itsjokingtime] if it wasn't you, and it wasn't me, then who's flying the Normandy?
[BioticMenace2183] you can't seriously expect me to believe none of you called my therapist
[shaleididnothingwrong] Someone called your therapist?
[shaleididnothingwrong] That seems a little extreme
[shaleididnothingwrong] This seems like a very normal thing to crash out about
[mirilaw] Oh for the love of
[mirilaw] That's what this was about?
[mirilaw] I think we know you well enough by now, Shepard. None of us would be this stupid. Can I leave now?
@mirilaw left the group.
[itsjokingtime] yeah if I wanted to commit suicide by Shepard I would have signed you up for the Terra Firma mailing list or tell you where all those copies of Fornax were coming from
[itsjokingtime] (it was Ken)
[itsjokingtime] I can't keep a secret to save my life
[notarchangel] Yeah, no, I'm only just finding out about this now.
[notarchangel] But I would like to go back to the fluorescing conversation.
[notarchangel] What do you mean I glow under blacklight?
[itsjokingtime] would you look at the time, I'm late to a very important
[itsjokingtime] somewhere not here
[itsjokingtime] bro code doesn't cover reading conversations I'm going to need eye bleach for after
@itsjokingtime left the group.
[DrTsoniEDU] I trust that this has calmed your worries, Hera?
[DrTsoniEDU] I think I can speak for those of us still present when I say we care for you too much to betray your trust like this.
[shaleididnothingwrong] Unfortunately, we do seem to have a weakness when it comes to you
[shaleididnothingwrong] We can't quite seem to tell you "no"
[shaleididnothingwrong] We tried to hide you from the Alliance, remember?
[shaleididnothingwrong] But noooooo
[shaleididnothingwrong] You had to be all noble and turn yourself in
[notarchangel] I still think we could break you out
[notarchangel] Get you to the Flotilla before anyone even noticed you were gone
[notarchangel] Get you in an envirosuit and no one would know the difference
[BioticMenace2183] wow i did not know you guys had put so much thought in to that
[BioticMenace2183] was that really the plan?
[notarchangel] It would have been easier before you turned yourself in, but yes.
[BioticMenace2183] i'm already noticing a flaw
[BioticMenace2183] i am not dextro
[BioticMenace2183] i would have starved
[shaleididnothingwrong] A small matter, dear Shepard
[shaleididnothingwrong] One that I would have corrected
[shaleididnothingwrong] As the designated Shepard-sitter in this scenario
[BioticMenace2183] damn i'm really put out that i didn't get flotilla sleepover funtime now
[BioticMenace2183] can i take back my entire confession and just do that please?
[notarchangel] Name the time and place, Hera. I'll come get you.
[BioticMenace2183] stop you're gonna make me cry
[BioticMenace2183] i really have been drinking
[BioticMenace2183] that was not a joke
[BioticMenace2183] and vega's making me tacos that would be super embarrassing
[BioticMenace2183] he still thinks i'm cool
[BioticMenace2183] which i should get back to actually
[BioticMenace2183] i've been smelling them for the past 5 minutes
[BioticMenace2183] the tacos not vega
[BioticMenace2183] the mystery traitor gets away with it for now
[BioticMenace2183] once tacos are eaten though
[BioticMenace2183] watch out traitor
@BioticMenace2183 left the group.
The group has been disbanded because the creator left.
