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“I tell you solemnly, that I have many times tried to become an insect. But I was not equal even to that. I swear, gentlemen, that to be too conscious is an illness- a real thorough-going illness.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes from Underground
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
He’s hiding in his bed with his bedroom’s door safely closed, the warm duvet encasing his entire exhausted body like water would to a drowning man. If he tries, he can hear the happy chatter coming from outside, but no, not today. He can’t deal with any more voices today. He already has enough in his own head for now.
With a shaky exhale, the noirette pushes himself into a sitting position with his back resting against the cold wooden headboard. It’s only then, when he brings his hands to run through his hair, does he notice that they’re trembling. A fleeting thought runs through a panic ridden mind; he could go to Viktor, couldn’t he? In fact, he should, but no. Tonight he is going to simmer in his own fear. Tonight he doesn’t want to get better. No bright promises of what’s to come. Only the familiar tug of darkness, and the mind haze he’s grown accustomed to.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
Breathing is becoming harder by the second, and air is slowly becoming a foreign concept. And he wants, Yuuri wants and wants and wants.
He recalls once reading about how those who drown suffer when they fight, but the pain disappears as soon as they give in to the intruding liquid that surrounds them. Perhaps if he gave in too, he’d finally gain his own peace. Something he has been yearning for with all of his might.
Sometimes he wondered about the fragility of his own mind, stayed late at night after everyone went to sleep just to tug and pull on the delicate strings in his head, and he couldn’t help but wonder as he did so, what would the Russian coach think had he gained full access to the nooks and crannies of the skater’s thoughts? Would he understand, and offer compassion.. Or become repulsed and sickened by the disgusting well-hidden thoughts? Yet, no matter how hard Yuuri pushed them, the thoughts, away.. No matter how stubborn he’d been, they were much more stronger than he anticipated when he first noticed them in his childhood. They always came tenfold stronger, darker, and more grotesque than they’d ever been.
Is he insane? Abnormal? An abomination and a burden? Is this what Viktor would think of him? Or worse, secretly already does?
All the king's horses and all the king's men
A loud knocking would’ve been heard, had the dark haired man been more lucid and aware of his surroundings. The sharp sound comes to a sudden halt after a few minutes without response, and is soon followed by a sharp clicking of a door’s lock. Soon enough, a cold lithe body is surrounded with a stronger, calmer, and warmer one. The movement is enough to bring the younger of the two out of the darkness of his head, as he fells a large hand rub soothing circles into his back. No words are spoken, not because Viktor was unable to find any, but because they weren’t needed right now. The older man simply held the other closer and tried to give as much comfort as he can.
Viktor was no magical potion, nor did he have a wand that would make problems disappear. He was a mere human, one that was lucky enough not to deal with monsters as horrid as the boy in his arms did. He wasn’t a permanent solution, and that thought brought him endless fear, for all he could do in such situations is just being there and feeling helpless,
And Viktor Nikiforov loathed feeling helpless. Especially when it involved helping the people whom he loved.
Large brown eyes meet crystal blue ones, and two bodies are brought so close to the point where not even air would pass between them, one filled to the brim with the need to protect and assure, and the other with overwhelming fatigue and exhaustion.
They will fall asleep like that, entangled with each other, unable to tell where one of them starts and the other ends, and when the sun shines and sets the next day, the cycle will repeat, until it stops one day.
Or will it?
Couldn't put me back together again