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Oona doesn’t remember a lot of her childhood, she doesn’t remember friends and doesn’t remember family, she mostly just remembers her sister Maple.
She remembers their mother telling her that Maple’s dad was definitely the one, the love of her life at the time, remembers all the empty promises about how they’ll have a home in France, and then in Luxembourg, and then in London.
She remembers setting foot on Sterling Point for the first time, how she thought it’d just be another “home” in a list of false ones. They’ll settle down, her mother’s new man will buy them meaningless gifts to butter them up – pretend he’s their father for the month, week, however long her mother likes him for – before he leaves as well. She probably doesn’t have enough fingers on her hands to count the amount of fathers she’s had in recent years, with zero gay marriage involved, mind you.
Though if you were to ask her honestly, she would probably say that her real life – and her memory – began in Sterling Point. She could tell you about every single day she’s experienced here, about every single step she’s taken and every single person she’s met, as though she’d gained consciousness with the first Canadian winter she experienced.
She remembers the first time she realized she didn’t want to leave, that she cared enough to protest leaving when the time came inevitably and her mother was bored of the place. When the reality of what leaving would mean hit her, what she would actually be leaving behind this time. That leaving wouldn’t be just leaving the ground she stood on, that leaving would mean leaving the first people she’s ever felt at home with, the first people that had taken to her and Maple instantly without a single doubt.
Leaving would mean no more Sully, with their small stature and enough energy to power a whole country. No more late night talks with Ellis as he parks the last rich lady’s boat at the dock and decides to have a drink on her houseboat before leaving. No more fond scoffs from Joe or pastries from Sully’s moms, no more Gordon and his never-ending wisdom, but most of all it’d mean no more Ramona.
And Oona, even back then with no idea of her feelings, no idea of what it even meant to like somebody let alone to be in love – her mother wasn’t exactly the best point of reference – had stood her ground and said no. No – she wouldn’t just uproot her whole life and move to India with her mother. She certainly didn’t need her chakras aligned, and she guarantees that Maple doesn’t either.
Her mother leaving hurts, of course it does, hurts in the same way it always does.
In that childish ‘i wish i was enough to make you stay’ way that she doesn’t dare think about anymore. She’ll be an adult if she has to, her mother can go and deal with her love life if it matters so much.
She smiles when her mother tells her it’ll only be a few weeks, smiles when little Maple hugs her in tears and asks her to write, smiles when her mother departs and promises to send money. She stays strong for Maple and puts on a front in front of all her friends, makes jokes about it like another piece of her heart hasn’t been chipped away once again, like she doesn’t know how many pieces are even left.
Ramona is an anchor.
She’s resilient in a way no teenager should have to be and she’s been through so much that sometimes Oona’s heart genuinely aches when she thinks about it. She’s independent and strong and can do things on her own, she’s got enough on her own plate and yet she’s still there every single time Oona doesn’t expect her to be.
She’s there when their mom leaves the first time, she cooks food for them without Oona asking, pretends that Gordon sent her when Oona knows it was all her doing. She makes sure that Oona doesn’t miss out on any homework, makes sure to help her out with chores and teaches her how to do things on her own – stupid, silly things like making sure the washing machine doesn’t color all their clothes pink.
Oona realizes she’s in love with her the first time her and Maple sleep over at Gordon’s cottage after their mom leaves and Ramona just leads them to their designated beds, she tells them not to worry and that they’ve always got a place with her and her grandfather and Oona thinks this must be home finally.
(Nothing even really happens before she decides that Ramona could never possibly love her back in that way. She imagines love to be a fleeting thing the way all of her mother’s loves have been, the way her mother's love for her had been.
A best friend lasts way longer than love, anyway.)
She dates around, has flings, one night stands and makeout sessions that don’t make it past the summer. She’s not one for sticking around for too long, treats herself like some elusive figure and refuses to settle down like that.
Seriously, none of them ever last long enough to leave any kind of impact on her, the girls she meets are all pretty, straight and in the mood for a fun night which Oona can definitely provide. She pretends she doesn’t see Ramona judging her when she sees her with Girl #39 of the month, pretends it doesn’t bother her at all that Ramona isn’t really saying anything.
The one that lasts the longest is this girl she meets at her waitressing job. She finds that she looks like Ramona a little bit – though she’s too tall, her eyes aren’t sharp enough and her scent is nothing like Ramona’s – but it’s enough that she can maybe trick her brain into seeing her more than once.
The girl greets her a few times here and there, meets her at the cafe after work, suggests that they go out clubbing together sometime. Sometimes Ramona is there to witness them leave, sometimes she thinks she sees her leave right before so she wouldn’t have to watch them.
She doesn’t last much longer than three weeks, a record time for Oona, she’s the one who ends it though. Tired of never being the center of Oona’s attention, tired of Oona’s eyes always flitting to where Ramona might appear.
She complains about it to Ramona, even though she doesn’t really care all that much, and conveniently leaves out the reason they broke up.
“I didn’t like her,” Ramona says when she tells her, a simple declaration as she steals a sip from Oona’s milkshake.
Oona blinks, thinking about it, “Yeah, actually, me neither.”
Gordon gets sick and it’s awful, she hates seeing him like that and hates that he has to get treatment that makes him even weaker, makes his voice raspier and his naps longer. She hates that Ramona is probably going to lose the only family she’s ever had, hates that she has to witness it and be there to take care of him through it. She’s just a kid.
Selfishly, it hurts her that Ramona doesn’t confide in her. It hurts her that she disappears, that she doesn’t reach out, that all Oona can think about is that she got left behind again, even if it's not about her at all.
She hates that she can't help but think that everyone leaves no matter what, her father leaves, her mother leaves and now Ramona has left too.
Annie comes into their lives like a hurricane and with her she brings Ramona. They don’t even know that they’re sisters and yet they already came in a pair.
Annie is new and fresh and fun, she’s unlike the people who typically come to Sterling Point. She’s not snarky or the evil rich type, instead she’s sweet and earnest and she reminds Oona of a fawn just learning to stand on its own two legs.
She starts to tell the time as Before Annie and After Annie.
With Annie, things on Sterling Point start moving. She fits into their group like she’s a piece that they’ve been missing since the beginning. Ellis seems to be more interested in her than he has ever been in anything in his life, she’s going to parties and hanging out with them and they all feel all the more alive for it.
She brings out something in Ramona that Oona has never seen in her, a closeness that Oona has felt with her own sister. Something you can only experience with somebody like that. Not only that, but she can tell that Ramona’s confidence has skyrocketed ever since she’s gotten somebody who is so unconditionally just in her corner.
She’s happy for her, really, it’s a good look on her.
When the stars finally align – Venus is in retrograde or whatever the hell – and her and Ramona finally kiss, Oona feels like she's definitely going to spontaneously combust and die tonight.
She supposes that this is another thing she has to thank Annie for, though she’d rather not think about the other girl’s sister as she kisses her. She doesn't even bring it up to Ramona cause talk about a mood killer.
If she's to be honest – she’s really scared about what this will bring, feels the presence of that underlying fear of the inevitable end that she has with just about everything she experiences in her life, the one that Maple calls her a worrywart for, but she tries to ignore it.
Tells herself there's no point if you're already thinking about the end before you've even begun, she might as well enjoy Ramona while she has her.
(They crossed a line there’s no returning from, didn’t they.)
The first time Oona almost tells Ramona she loves her, they'd just gotten back from some part at Rory’s place and Oona was drunk, like, really really drunk.
She's lying on her bed with a dopey grin on her face as she watches Ramona change into sleep clothes – whatever oversized shirt she can find in Oona’s closet. Half of it is her own shirts anyway.
She turns around and scoots up beside Oona on the bed, drops an arm behind her and Oona sinks into it, she's drunk and she's comfortable and she's staring at Ramona with so much unrestrained affection that Ramona feels her ears burning.
Oona’s face switches to a look of worship as she stares at her, stares at her ears and the pink dusting her cheeks. “Baby, you're so fucking beautiful,” she says and keeps her gaze on her. “Just like– when I see you and I hear your voice and I just– I can only think of one thing.”
“What thing?” Ramona asks, the way she says it sounds like she couldn't really help herself, like the curiosity had gotten the better of her and won. She thinks whatever answer Oona gives her now will make her feel like she's on cloud nine, she doesn't actually know if she's quite ready for it.
Oona reaches out and touches Ramona’s face a little, just to prove that she's real and right in front of her. She opens her mouth and has to pause and then the stupid charming grin is back on her face and she's looking back at Ramona.
“Oh, I can't say it like this,” she says, she shakes her head a little, but it makes her dizzy so she has to stop, “I’ve genuinely had like… Probably, at least fifty drinks. It's not proper.”
“Fifty, huh? I leave you alone for two seconds and you get alcohol poisoning.” She can barely contain the affection that seeps into her expression.
“Mm, yup. Actually… think that means you should just never leave me alone.” Her smile transitions into a soft giggle and there's something vulnerable hidden in the way she says it. She sits up and cups Ramona’s cheeks firmer and tilts her head at her, “Now, can you kiss me?”
Oona briefly thinks that it’s the most beautiful summer she’s ever experienced. Her and Ramona are happy, happier than ever, Annie and Ramona are on good terms as well and Connor is… there! And hell, even Ellis seems to have stepped up and actually done something, she thinks she's heard him speak more words in the past two weeks than she has her entire life.
She and Ramona are, for lack of a better term, drunk on each other. They find each other in every hallway, every corner of every street, every bed. They drift towards each other like their bodies have magnets attuned to the other’s. Their hands are practically glued together and if Oona focuses enough she can map out Ramona’s entire body in her mind.
They spend most of their time tangled up in Ramona’s sheets, sharing chaste kisses and just enjoying the warmth, they pass joints and make food together and their friends are there and it’s good.
It’s theirs and it’s good.
She thinks she’s being paranoid when she realizes that Ramona seems to be hiding something from her, sighs in relief when the girl reassures her that it’s nothing. She doesn’t want to pry, doesn’t want to be annoying, tries to have as much empathy as she possibly can, but she can’t help but feel irrationally scared regardless.
Even with the apocalypse seemingly dawning on Oona, she can't help the fact that Ramona's still the most important thing in any room, anywhere. Whatever she's hiding doesn't stop her from turning over and smiling at Ramona. She thumbs her jawline softly, brushes over her bottom lip.
“You know I love you, right?” She says and waits for Ramona’s response before she tacks on, “No matter what.”
Ramona smiles at that, she lets whatever's stressing her out dissipate for a second, lets herself enjoy this, “Yeah.”
“Okay, good.” She brushes Ramona’s hair behind her ear and pushes forward to press a soft kiss on her forehead before pulling back and giving her a reassuring smile, “Good.”
When it all implodes all Oona can think about is her mother, ‘it’s about you and your fucking mommy issues’ and she hates that it’s all she can think about, hates that her mother ruins everything good she has even when she's absent.
She thinks about how short-lived all of her mother’s relationships are and how she’s clearly bound to suffer the same curse, how it's clearly in their DNA to never be enough.
When Ramona leaves she pretends she’s not there, she’s not prepared to watch her back as she goes, she’s had enough of that in her life and seeing it would only make it all the more real. She would feel guilty about making Maple lie to Ramona like that if she could force herself to feel anything but broken.
There goes another piece of her heart then.
“Did you like that?” Oona says, her heart is aching and her head is pounding but she can’t stop herself, anger and hurt seeping into all of her bones, “Did that feel good?”
When Ramona leaves, she goes about it the same way she’s always done when someone she loves has left.
By pretending it doesn’t matter at all, by pretending she doesn’t feel unanchored and restless.
She tries to go back to her lifestyle before, tries to hook up with girls and get pissed. Don’t get her wrong, she tries hanging out with Sully and Ellis first, but Annie is there. Annie is there and all Oona can do is feel guilty because she thinks about her and wishes it was her who left, wishes she’d never come there and it was Ramona who’d stayed instead, so she can’t face her. Not yet.
She obviously still loves Ramona, loves her more than anything. Unfortunately the only thing she knows how to do is spiral, so she ends up making her way back into harmful habits that involve random women in bars and her being too drunk to even remember their names.
She's about four drinks in and all she can think about Ramona, wonders if she's moved on. If the girls in New York are treating her better than she was.
“Hey, can I buy you a drink?” A girl asks her, she slides up to her unexpectedly and she looks fucking nothing like Ramona. She's taller than Oona, a brunette and her eyes are nothing like Ramona's. She's beautiful, but she's not what she needs or wants. What she needs is in a completely different country, probably enjoying her new life in the big city without her.
“Okay,” she mutters before she's even had the chance to think about it.
They don't really do anything, they talk a little, but she can feel the girl slowly getting closer to her and putting her hand on her arm. She doesn't even get how or why this happened, it's not like she was even flirting properly.
“Wanna come home with me?” The girl (Maddie?) asks her and Oona fully freezes at that in surprise, she definitely stares at the girl for too long because when she blinks her haze away she can see a confused look on the girl's face. She's clearly waiting for her to answer still, but honestly all Oona can feel is the bile slowly rising and she quickly presses her hand onto her mouth and runs outside.
And, god, it’s not the girl’s fault either, far from it, she’s gorgeous. It’s just that Oona has these insanely specific standards now that only one person really meets and that person isn’t here and she just can't help but feel sick at the idea of anyone else thinking they stand a chance.
(Maybe, if she loved Ramona any less, it’d be easier to pretend that she doesn’t wake up every morning and pray that it’s the one where she comes back.)
When Ramona comes back it’s exactly 9 months and 13 days later, but who’s counting?
The first time they see each other it’s with Annie clinging to Ramona and screaming about how glad she is to have her back here, Maple’s clinging to Ramona as if she hasn’t seen her in a billion years. The others are all saying their greetings and everything and Oona just feels frozen.
She knows she’s being a weirdo, standing behind everybody and just staring at the girl in front of her, but she can’t help herself. Ramona feels different, her hair is slightly shorter, she’s got new piercings on her left ear and a nose ring and it all suits her so well. She thinks she’s gotten a little taller – at least a millimeter or two – but she thinks she’ll be called insane if she brings any of that up.
Instead, all she can really do is stand there and wait for her turn. She stares and stares and stares, and she almost bolts when the other girl finally meets her gaze, eyes softening in that signature Ramona way.
“Hi,” Ramona greets. Her smile is uncertain, like she’s dreaded seeing Oona after so long and yet at the same time, she’s craved the sight of her.
And Oona almost gapes at the shorter girl, but she manages not to, manages to find courage where she didn’t even know she had any left, instead she breathes in a steady breath. She wonders if Ramona also feels the electricity that shoots up her spine at the eye contact, wonders if the other girl also missed the familiar warmth that only the presence of the other could provide.
She laces her fingers behind her back, fiddles with the rings on her thumbs as she shifts from one foot to the other restlessly, she takes a breath as she catches herself, thinks about the right thing to say to her ex girlfriend after not seeing her for almost a year, and she wishes she could kick herself when she says the only thing that surfaces, “So, uh, how’s Steven?”
They immediately throw a party in honor of Ramona’s return, she thinks she’ll object to it, but apparently she’s quite grown to like a good vibe in New York. She almost wonders if New York has changed her completely, does she suddenly like to eat her PB&J’s with turkey slices or something.
Usually, she’d be the first one raving about it, dancing and laughing and doing whatever while being way too intoxicated, but she can’t bring herself to be inside. She sees Ramona everywhere, sees her chatting with their friends, sees her pouring herself a drink in the kitchen, sees her in a circle with a bunch of people Oona doesn’t even know. It makes her feel like she’s suffocating.
She finds herself outside, by the dock, in that same spot where Ramona liked to sit. She brings her joint up to her mouth and wonders how it would feel if she jumped into the lake in front of her, wonders if being underwater would feel less stuffy than the air inside the cottage.
The sound of footsteps pulls her out of her reverie, the squeak of sneakers and the rattle of the old floorboards following behind closely before trickling back into silence.
Oona digs her shoes into the ground, hoping it’ll swallow her whole and that whoever is behind her will just mind their own business and not disturb her, she’s out of luck though. She freezes when Ramona’s voice floats towards her, gentle and calm and just like how Oona remembers it. At least that hasn’t changed, she thinks.
“The air’s nice out here, yeah?”
She clenches her fist together, her other hand gripping the joint as tightly as she can. She mutters a faint yeah and, “Annie’s outdone herself though.”
Ramona chuckles at that fondly and Oona feels the sound wrapping around her heart and squeezing. “I told her she didn’t have to do all that.”
The smaller girl walks towards the empty spot next to Oona, she plops down on the floor next to her and crosses her legs. Oona can only pretend that she doesn’t swallow hard and watch her as she sits down, nodding dumbly when Ramona tilts her head at her as if to ask ‘Is the spot taken?’.
The silence falls on them like snow, or maybe like a really soft blanket you pull out of your grandmother’s closet. It wraps around them, settles around their shoulders and presses a weight that makes Oona feel like she can’t breathe. She contemplates saying something, contemplating asking Ramona if she found what she thought she would in New York, but instead she just hands her the joint in her hand wordlessly.
In the end, it’s Ramona who says, “How are you, Oona?”
Oona lifts her head, turns to smile at Ramona, she means to brush it off with a quick ‘fine, thanks’, but she realizes at the last second that that’ll never work on Ramona. She sees Ramona nip at her bottom lip, before she closes her mouth again, thinking about her answer more carefully.
The corner of Ramona’s mouth curls into a shy smile, as if being under Oona’s gaze just has that effect on her, undoes the iron front she’s put up. Her cheeks are slightly pink from the cold outside and Oona thinks she can’t legally and morally be blamed for what she says next. She’s drunk on Ramona’s presence, drunk on her attention and her smile and the proximity.
“It’s really hard, yeah?” she finds herself admitting, confessing even, “It’s really hard sitting right here next to you and pretending like I’m not still in love with you.”
It has no anger in it, just pure and honest surrender and she feels her shoulders slump at Ramona’s silence. Before Ramona can even get a chance to say anything – do anything – in response to what Oona said, the other girl’s already standing up and dusting off her shorts, her eyes are glossy and she blinks rapidly and Ramona can only watch Oona run off inside with hurried steps.
The party ends with Annie’s invite to a sleepover which Oona finds herself politely declining, thinking that being under the same roof as Ramona will only result in her dying of a heart attack or something.
She instead opts to go back to her boat and crash with Maple and pretends that her whole body doesn’t ache when her sister asks her how the party went. She crawls into her bed feeling entirely spent and exhausted, pulling at the cuffs of her shirt and burrows her head in her pillow.
They dance around each other for the next few days, on an island as small as Sterling Point it's practically impossible to not suffer the forced proximity – especially considering the fact that Oona’s friends are Ramona’s friends too.
They're civil, they exchange words here and there, but it's nothing like it used to be. There's a wall the size of Europe between them and Oona’s not sure how she's ever supposed to cross it again.
She watches Ramona everywhere they go, at the cafe, the marina, everywhere. She can't take her eyes off of her, half wonders if it's because she's afraid that if she does she'll disappear from right under her nose.
She watches the girl push her brother around, something about her being a total lady magnet or something, Oona's not really paying attention until she hears Ramona’s laugh echoing.
There's a pang that creeps on her chest, it's shaped like Ramona. It’s raw and jagged the way she’d left it last summer, chipped off as if it had fallen apart slowly.
It's Maple who can't take it anymore – who pushes them back together again. She's tired of her sister acting like she can't do anything as if Ramona isn't finally right there.
So she goes to Ramona’s place when Oona’s not looking and begs her to be the one who gets her shit together because she doesn't think her sister is capable of it.
Ramona has half the mind to protest, to say that if Oona wanted to talk she would've done it already, but Ramona is shutting her down with a glare before she can even open her mouth.
“Just talk to her, please.”
Oona's about half way through making lunch when she hears footsteps behind her, she doesn't bother turning around, assumes it's just Maple on her way to nag her about how long it's taking.
Instead, the silence she's met with surprises her and she practically jumps out of her skin when she finally does turn around and sees Ramona just standing there. She can tell by the look on her face that she's not just here to mess around, so she finds whatever strength she has in herself and turns off the stove and moves to sit on her couch, Ramona following closely behind.
She taps the space next to her carefully, stares at Ramona dumbly as she sits next to her. She sees Ramona pressing her lips together, preparing to speak and all she can do is keep staring like an idiot. She feels her heart pause in anticipation and feels her breath hitch, she hopes she doesn't do anything stupid because she can't remember the last time they were this close. Wonders if Ramona’s lips still feel the same.
“I’m sorry,” she hears herself spit out without thinking, she has regret written all over her face and wonders if Ramona can feel her guilt oozing through her pores. She doesn't even know what she’s apologizing for specifically, all she can muster is a quiet look of remorse and maybe wet, beady eyes.
Ramona's voice is shaking when she says, “Oona, where were you that day?”
“I was right here,” Oona admits then, she's tired of lying and hiding, “I was here and I asked Maple to lie to you.”
“You didn't–” Ramona starts to say, gripping one of the throw pillows and curling her fingers around it, trying to regulate herself, “Did you even think about asking me to stay?
“Of course, I did.” Oona confesses, the look on her face is pained and her voice is starting to sound strained, as if she's fighting back something, her vision is blurring. “But, Ramona, you had to go. If I made you stay and you started to resent me for it I– I don't know what I'd do. So I let you go, even if it killed me.”
Her heart constricts when she looks at Ramona, she finds herself needing an escape, finds herself wanting to create distance between her and Ramona right now because she doesn't know if she can trust herself not to pull her into her arms and keep her there forever this time.
It's just so easy to look at Ramona’s face and see her eyes and remember what it was like to fall in love with her. That despite all the heartache she will never forget the feeling, maybe because she's got Ramona’s name written all over her heart.
“Oona, I– I know I said some things then, during our argument.” Ramona swallowed harshly before continuing, “Things I’m not proud of, things that hurt you and I know it's too late to take them back now, but I really am sorry.”
Oona’s about to retort, tell her that she wasn't wrong though. That she does have mommy issues and that even if what Ramona said had hurt her, she was never wrong about that. Ramona sees her about to open her mouth though, and shushes her.
“I just wish you would've talked to me. I wish you would've given us a chance because I would've fought for us.” she says, a shy smile finding its way to her lips, she's nervous when she holds her gaze, “And for what it's worth, I still love you too.”
And, honestly, Ramona’s always had a way of leaving Oona speechless. She doesn't know what else to say to that, the words are left lodged in her throat so she does the one thing she knows she can do. The only way she can tell Ramona that she would've never stopped loving her, even if she never came back and that she won't let her go this time.
“Can I kiss you?” she asks quietly, fingertips stalling right before Ramona’s mouth, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “I don’t want to do anything you're not ready for.”
“You can kiss me,” Ramona tells her, breathless and expectant and eager. “Please, just kiss me.”
And that's all Oona needs, she lightly brushes their lips together. Her hands are cupping Ramona’s cheeks and she can feel Ramona’s hands wandering to her waist which is enough to make her feel like she's on fire. Ramona doesn't let her stop at that, kisses her again more forcefully, grabs the front of Oona’s sweatshirt and holds her there.
There are a lot more tears and apologies and reassurances that follow. Not enough to mend everything from the past year, but enough to push them forward and give them hope to start over.
Though admittedly, they might've gotten a bit lost between the sorry’s and the i miss you’s, given the fact that Ramona found herself situated on Oona’s lap and Oona doesn't really remember the last words they've said. All she knows is the way Ramona rests her forehead against her own to catch her breath every few seconds and the way her waist fits perfectly under Oona’s palm.
Somehow, Ramona’s lips taste even sweeter than before and the way she smiles into each kiss gives Oona enough power that she thinks she could get up now and move a mountain with her bare hands.
Later that night, when the tears have dried up and their hearts have stopped pounding as if they're trying to escape, when the only traces of their earlier conversation are their swollen eyes and the mug Oona had accidentally dropped on the floor, they're tangled up on Oona’s bed.
Right in the space where she can't tell if it's a scarily lucid dream or if it's real life, if Ramona is actually in her arms or if she's had a little too much to drink again and has started imagining shit.
It must be real, she thinks, because Ramona’s hair under her chin as she gently nestles closer feels real, the arm curled up on her front feels real, Ramona’s signature scent filling up her nostrils and making her feel like she's swimming – feels real.
The soft skin under her hand feels real and the soft breathing against her collarbone feels super real.
(You can't really blame her, she's only really had Ramona in her arms in her dreams recently.)
And Ramona’s always been more perceptive than Oona gives her credit for, so of course she can feel her mind racing as she pulls back from her just enough to speak and hold eye contact, “You know, I meant it, earlier.”
A few seconds pass, then a minute, then what feels like an eternity and Oona lets out a shuddering breath at that, as if she hadn't actually processed it properly earlier and her brain was finally catching up.
She knows Ramona can feel her breath hitch and see her eyes get glassy, she loosens her hold up just enough for Ramona to bring herself up slightly, to rest on her elbow and peer down at Oona.
Her eyes are patient and understanding and different, more mature she supposes, more composed.
Ramona’s words sit in the space between them, they permeate the air and make a nest on the bed with them, but they're not uncomfortable. If this was a year ago, Oona would've already been pushing Ramona away, trying to force the girl out of her grasp before she had the chance to leave her on her own.
But this time all Oona can do is smile at her softly, the silence is spread open above them, covering them like a soft warm blanket, raw in the way that every word they've said has been in the past few hours.
And that comfort alone is enough to encourage Oona, to push her forward and hold her hand and give her a sense of confidence she hasn't really felt in herself for a long time, not since last summer really.
She's grown too, she finally acknowledges, letting herself feel the slightest bit of pride about it, before she says, “We don't have to talk about it tonight.” It's not avoidance, it's just shelving it for later. She knows they'll talk about it, they're over leaving things unsaid.
She takes Ramona’s hand that's curled up in front of her and threads their fingers together, her slightly smaller hand slotting in hers perfectly. She hums at that slightly, trying not to get in way over her head and say some corny shit like huh, even after all this time, we still fit perfectly.
She's thankful that hasn't changed at least, selfishly thankful that Ramona didn't take some strange growth elixir in New York and that she's stayed the same in that regard.
Ramona smiles at that, lips curling into that shy and flustered smile she's only ever really given Oona.
It widens even more and spreads warmth throughout her whole face as Oona pushes up slightly and presses a soft kiss to her lips, basking in the warmth as she keeps talking, “I know. I’m just– putting it out there, I guess? Just letting you know.”
Oona is almost apologetic when she pulls her down at that and she stumbles right onto her, she wraps her arms around Ramona, keeping her in her place of almost on top of her, “Baby,” she begins before she forces herself to pause for a second and thinks about how good and right it feels to be allowed to call her that again.
Marvels at just how sweet and comforting it feels to not have to grit her teeth and stop herself. She's always thought that you can't fight against the laws of nature and Ramona being her baby is definitely one of them.
(Ramona doesn't rush her, lets her take as much time as she wants.)
She's really glad that they'd talked about it, far from it. In fact, she can probably still feel the way her heart had constricted earlier today when Ramona held her hand and told her she would never leave without her again, not without a kiss and a promise to come back.
(“I’ll shove you and Maple into my backpack if I have to– You're not pushing me away this time.”)
“I know, Mona,” she scrunches her nose, “I believe you.”
Ramona lets out a small relieved laugh at that and Oona swears her eyes twinkle a little, “Yeah?”
Oona will begin to unpack the way her chest genuinely feels like her heart had turned itself over and was doing backflips or some shit in her ribcage, later. She almost laughs at herself because it's been a whole year since she'd felt this way and that part of her hasn't changed even a little bit. The part reserved solely for Ramona.
Fuck, she's easy.
“Yeah, dummy,” she assures her, they do that a lot more now. Verbalize things. A simple yes goes a long way, she's learned.
She honestly feels intoxicated by Ramona’s warmth and the scent of what she thinks is definitely one of Annie’s insanely expensive perfumes and something uniquely earthy and Ramona swimming in her head.
She leans her head up and plants another firm kiss on Ramona’s lips, treats it like a judge smacking their little gay hammer against the table and yelling out the verdict, she feels Ramona return it just as firmly, sealing it.
“Mm, okay,” Ramona murmurs.
Maybe it should've always been as simple as that, or maybe what had happened was always meant to happen.
She really tried to sleep, well, that's what she tells herself. She watches the digital clock ticking on the table, the digits change and glitching slightly. The screen flashes lightly once the digits have formed an hour, 03:00 AM, it reads.
She should be making use of their free time and privacy, Maple off at camp, completely oblivious of the fact that Oona and Ramona have made up, ugh, she's definitely gonna be annoying about it when she gets back.
She's slightly hypnotized by the way Ramona’s thumb is drawing circles on the underside of her jaw, she'd probably squirm a little and act like it tickles if she wasn't trying her hardest to pretend to be asleep, afraid of ruining the moment.
She can barely speak without rasping, voice thick with sleep and hours of not being used. "Can't sleep?"
Ramona’s lips turn into a flustered smirk, surprised that she'd been caught, though Oona feels like she knows how her touch affects her and is just pretending. She lowers her hand and rests it on Oona’s stomach, continuing her tender touches on the new location, Oona honestly feels like if she looks down there will be a ring of fire where she's been touched.
“Yeah, you can't either?”
Oona nods, “Not sure if I’d be able to sleep like this,” she confesses quietly, she's whispering even if they're the only ones there.
Ramona seems confused at that, she could tell that Oona was tired and she thought she'd fall asleep quite quickly after the day they'd had. In fact, she was kind of banking on it, she'd hoped she'd be able to just stare at her for a bit in peace, though admitting it makes her sound a little bit like a freak. Who can blame her though, it's been a while since she's had her like this.
She throws a disapproving frown at the windows peeking outside and she thinks she's figured out Oona’s source of unrest. They'd had a storm hit the island last night and the water seemed to still be quite angry, the waves hitting the sides of the houseboat making it rock.
Ramona's face makes Oona chuckle fondly, before she reaches out and pushes Ramona’s hair behind her ears gently, “That's not it, babe, but thank you. I’m sure Poseidon is proper intimidated.”
She pulls Ramona closer, if that's even humanly possible. She smiles with Oona, her laugh infectious, and smiles even harder when Oona gives her a chaste kiss. She pulls back to look at Oona, tilts her head slightly like a puppy, “What is it then?”
Oona has to close her eyes at that, acts like she's actively being blinded by Ramona's radiance, her heart fluttering.
“It's just… you're here.”
“Ramona, you know I’d follow you anywhere, right?”
Oona swallows visibly, she guides her hands forward until they rest on Ramona’s shoulder just to get her attention. Her hands slide down until she can hold both of Ramona’s hands in her own, cradling them in her hold, “Ramona, listen, I don't want you to have to give up New York. I said, I’ll go anywhere with you,” she says with more conviction than she thinks she's ever had, “And if you need to be in New York, then–”
At that, Ramona quickly forces herself out of Oona’s grasp, she looks up fiercely and cups Oona’s face, “Listen, Oona, you don't need to worry about that, okay? I’m not leaving you behind.” She fights through the startled look on Oona’s face, the other girl surprised at the intensity of every word, she can feel tears building up at the back of her eyes. “Listen to me. New York was an escape, it was a means to an end. You were right that I– I needed it then, but I need you more.”
She needed space, she needed to get to know Steven, needed to know a life unlike the one she'd gotten used to. She needed a place that wouldn't have her mother's presence lingering in every corner, a place that held no prior heartbreak, a place Oona had never touched and turned into hers.
She thought New York could be that for her, that the sheer vastness and bustling of the city would be enough to distract her from everything. She didn't consider that the only thing she'd want to do was tell Oona about it, didn't realize that even if she was in a different part of the world she'd still only see Oona when she closed her eyes and went to sleep.
She doesn't dare to say all of that yet, knows she'll admit it another day, once it's all died down and she's in Oona’s arms and telling her all about New York.
For now though, she just swipes her thumb under Oona’s eye and catches the stray tear before it falls, Oona’s own hands grasping her wrists, “I love you, okay? We can figure everything out. We have time.”
Oona surges forward at that, crosses the barely existing space between them and presses their foreheads together. She doesn't kiss her yet, not yet, but her lips are so close that Ramona knows that she could tilt her head slightly and have it done.
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.”
There's something so strange about getting to see Ramona puttering around the houseboat’s kitchen like this, even if all she's doing is washing the dishes left over from their meal.
It's taken Oona a while to get used to, it being Ramona back in her space, Ramona back on Sterling Point, Ramona back in her arms.
Ramona, Ramona, Ramona.
She's in Oona’s shirt, the oversized white one with stripes, she's got her jorts on and the carabiner resting on her hips jingles as she moves about.
She opens Oona’s fridge and crinkles her nose in disgust, the lack of produce and anything actually edible makes her wonder how her and Maple have even survived this long. Even though she knows Oona is responsible and goes above and beyond for her little sister.
“Girl, we have to go get groceries or we'll all die from food poisoning,” Ramona states, she peers over her shoulder at Oona’s resting place on the kitchen counter.
“Alright, but I’m not cooking,” Oona says, smiling at Ramona and waiting for the other girl’s response before she adds, “How about you show me some of that New York cuisine, eh?”
Ramona doesn't know how to tell her that Steven is a pretty terrible cook and that Connor is an even worse one, so all she's really learned how to make is bagels with cream cheese, if you can even call that cuisine. She relents though, figures that they've gotta eat something anyway.
Their friends take them getting back together as well as any normal people would, by screaming and jumping up and down around them and acting like they were in some sort of gay torture chamber before that.
Seriously, the nerve.
“Aaaand thank goodness that shit is over. I think if I had to see you mope around my mom's cafe for one more day, I would've had to fire you.” Sully said, though their eyes had that signature twinkle and they didn't even try to look annoyed, instead they just looked really happy.
Naturally, because their friends definitely needed a reason to throw a party – they didn't – they figured that her and Ramona dating again was the perfect excuse for one.
Again, not that they needed excuses. At this point, they were throwing parties over Connor getting his hair cut or Oona not getting fired from her job despite being late for the 49th time that month.
It's why Oona finds herself here, nursing a suspicious cup of something and chatting with Annie, though her eyes are trained on Ramona who is standing in a circle of people right ahead of her.
She's standing next to Connor and Oona can see her laughing, she hears her laugh piercing through the music and all the noise as if she's completely attuned to the frequency of Ramona’s voice.
It's not that Oona’s bothered, she's not. She doesn't care that the girl next to Ramona seems to be inching closer to her by the second, doesn't care that she doesn't know what they're talking about, that she doesn't know what it is that the girl could've possibly said that had Ramona laughing that hard.
It's probably not funny at all.
“Didn't take you for the jealous type,” Annie says and brings Oona out of her trance, she's grinning at her, entertained by Oona’s suffering.
“Can't I just stare at my girlfriend without being accused of jealousy? What have I ever done to you, Jacobson?” She tries her best to put on a serious front, acting like Annie has really hurt her but she can't help the smile that pierces through her facade, it's just good to be able to hang out with everybody like this again.
She's about to say something else when her eyes fall back on the figures ahead of them, feels her smile fade as she watches the ginger girl reach out and touch Ramona’s face for whatever reason. She trusts Ramona, obviously, with her life, but that doesn't mean she likes what she's seeing.
Before she even realizes what's happening she's nodding to Annie and walking in Ramona’s direction, she doesn't really know what's possessed her when she envelops her girlfriend from behind and presses a big kiss to her head before resting her own chin on top of it.
She pushes the unidentified girl’s hand off Ramona’s shoulder in the process and she can tell that it isn't well received and can tell that she's about to retort something before she holds her palm up towards her, stopping her from speaking.
“Sorry, I have to talk to my girlfriend for a second,” she leans down to whisper in Ramona’s ear before anyone can even react to what she's done. “Baby, I think there's something I wanna show you in your room.”
She half wonders if Ramona is going to protest, call her childish and annoying and tell her off for interrupting her conversation, but Ramona does no such thing. Instead, she intertwines their hands and swiftly bids goodbye to people before leading Oona up the stairs to the familiar room.
They barely make it into the room before Ramona’s hands are all over Oona, touching her face, her neck, burrowing in her hair as the kiss deepens. Oona has half the mind to kick the door closed with her leg before she's pushing Ramona onto her bed and hovering over her breathlessly.
“God, that was so fucking hot,” Ramona whispers as she catches her breath between kisses, she's got her arms wrapped around Oona's neck and her face is red from the heat, her bandana is discarded somewhere on the floor and Oona’s got her hands resting on her waist under her shirt.
Everything feels like it's on fire.
Oona smirks, “Should I get jealous more often then?” She kisses Ramona deeper until she's pliant and yielding under her touch, until she's running her tongue against Oona’s bottom lip and blood is rushing to her head.
Her hands are scrambling to grasp something behind Oona’s back, trying to avoid Oona’s skin because it feels like it burns. The conversation practically dies there, as Oona trails a path from Ramona’s pulse point all the way to the dip in her collarbones.
It has Ramona gasping involuntarily, has Oona digging her hands into Ramona’s thighs to anchor her more as Ramona arches into her, arches her neck more to give Oona the space to work with as she nips in that spot that, thank god, still works on her.
And then, Oona’s hands are grazing the waistband of her shorts, pressing into her hips before lowering and Ramona feels a moan building up in anticipation–
She holds Ramona close that night, pressed against soft, ruffled sheets, tucked somewhere in between feathered pillows and Ramona's comforter. The party had already died down hours ago, Annie leaving with Ellis for the night, they practically had the whole cottage to themselves.
Oona kisses her forehead, her nose, her cheeks and then her lips. “I love this” she whispers. “I love it here, with you. In this cottage.”
Fingers spread against Oona’s neck, threading through every blonde curl and curling one around her finger softly. “I love you. I don't even care about the place as long as it's with you.”
“Okay,” Oona says, trying to keep her eyes at bay, fighting the sudden urge to cry at the admission. At the fact that she's enough for Ramona, that she's more than enough. “Okay.”
Ramona sets the mug down on the counter, Annie sitting on her right with Oona and Maple situated right in front of them.
“Come on, open it,” Annie eggs them on, she's too excited for her own good, so much so that Ramona is ready to slap a palm over her mouth so she doesn't spoil the surprise before the girls get to see for themselves.
The sisters are kind of confused, neither of their birthdays were near, nor was it any sort of holiday that involved gifts like that, though a spontaneous gift from their friends wouldn't be that big of a deal.
Oona’s barely got her hands on the lid of the box when she hears Maple’s faint what next to her. She shakes her box and all that falls out is a little key with a little otter keychain dangling from it.
“Guys? What does this mean?” Oona says, glancing at her sister as she stares at the key in her hands.
Both Annie and Ramona practically beam at her, though it is Ramona who says, “Well, we figured, the cottage is your home as much as it is ours.”
She's just about got tears welling up in her eyes when Annie adds, “Yeah, plus I’m pretty sure Ramona’s just about married you in her head so–,” whatever she was going to say next is cut off by Ramona pulling her ear.
If she blushes at Annie’s comment no one really says anything, well, Maple smiles at her and definitely saves it for a later Oona Humiliation Ritual.
They talk about the future a lot together, not in the way they used to though, they're not scared anymore.
University gets brought up a lot and they're both still very unsure about what they'd really like to do, they don't have a clear goal the way Annie used to – eugh, business. It's mostly just vague ideas like living together, bringing Maple with them, eventually coming back to Sterling Point once they're ready.
It always warms Oona’s heart when Ramona brings up Maple on her own. When the idea of taking her sister with them comes from her girlfriend and not from her. She can't imagine anyone being sweeter.
Ramona opens up about the butterfly sanctuary she once wanted, she thinks she would like to major in some sort of biology and maybe have a minor in literature. She's shy when she brings it up, but Oona is nothing if not supportive.
“Baby, you know passion is super attractive, like super,” she says, peppering kisses all over Ramona’s face, placing a peck on her lips before continuing, “I just love it when you're smart and well-read.”
It delves into something deeper though, something more intimate. Something they're definitely too young for, but they can't help themselves. When you've had the timeline they've had it's never really too early to talk about anything.
And honestly, if Oona is sure about anything in this world, it's that she would love to marry Ramona one day.
They're in New York when Oona comes home with a tiny orange kitty bundled up in her arms.
They're at Steven’s house for the winter, choosing to spend the holidays with Ramona’s family here. The Jacobsons were currently taking Maple out around New York, while Ramona and Oona had chosen to stay behind and enjoy the peace and quiet for now.
They still spent most of their time in Sterling Point, of course, but it was nice to have a second option sometimes. Especially because the distance between New York and Toronto was practically non-existent. They could be there every weekend if they wanted to and vice versa.
She'd been outside for a quick smoke while Ramona showered upstairs, when she heard the little thing meowing up a storm behind the dumpster. It was small and frail, but it seemed to gravitate towards her immediately. She couldn't think of any other outcome, but the one that involved her grabbing it and taking it upstairs to Ramona.
Ramona is at the door as soon as she hears Oona knock, but what she doesn't expect is the little creature that jumps out of her arms and runs straight to their newly cleaned and Annie-approved couch, leaving little mud paw prints on their floors.
She nests herself behind one of the cushions as Ramona and Oona stare at her in shock.
“So, um.”
(They name the cat Roxy, because according to Oona she looks like a Roxy.
It's only a bath and a half later that Ramona is able to take a good look at the animal and confirm that she definitely does look like a Roxy.)
Roxy turns out to be the most insanely spoiled cat in the history of cats, unsurprisingly. Probably what happens when you're adopted by two lesbians, but she's a cat so it's not like she can complain.
They buy her everything a cat can possibly need and they probably go a teeny tiny bit overboard. Though they're encouraged when their friends visit and bring about a million things for her, completely ignoring the two of them.
(“Is this what giving birth feels like,” Oona says to Ramona later, once all the gifts Roxy has gotten have been sorted and they're nestled on the couch together, cat and all.)
They're not really used to spending much time apart anymore.
They're not exactly codependent, they don't spend every waking second together, as much as Oona wishes she could live in Ramona’s skin. They do their own stuff.
Ramona's off to some kind of conference with Steven and Annie for the weekend, she did invite Oona, but the answer she got was just a, “babe, if I don't have to please don't make me, I'm sorry,” which honestly made it sound like Ramona was trying to take her to get hanged, but it's fine.
Well she thought it was fine. Except she's in her bed, in her hotel room that she shares with her sister and she can't stop tossing and turning. It's like the bed has needles poking her back and every time she gets more comfortable one of the needles stabs her in the gut.
She sighs exasperatedly before picking up the phone and texting her girlfriend.
The jingle of keys and the clicking of the lock snaps Oona awake faster than any cup of coffee or any energy drink ever could, the cabin doors are a little rotten and probably need to be replaced soon because the noise feels like it could wake up a bear out of its slumber.
She's a little disoriented when she gets up and she almost trips on Roxy and knocks herself out, but she manages to hold onto the walls and make her way over to the door. She gets there just as it opens.
“Hey, you're still awake,” Ramona mumbles, blinking her bleary eyes rapidly as if to adjust to the light inside the cottage.
“Of course I am,” Oona says with a small smile, she's doing her best to fight back a yawn that's threatening to escape, if Ramona notices she doesn't actually say anything. Instead, she fights back a yawn of her own.
Ramona sighs at her antics for a second, “Okay, come here.” She holds out her arms, “If you're not holding me in two seconds I might die, genuinely.”
Oona blinks at her for a second before a teasing smile overtakes her. Her arms wind around Ramona in a practiced manner, pulling her in to fit right under her chin as she buries her face in Oona’s shoulder. She pulls her closer and presses her face in Ramona’s hair, relishing in the feeling of her girlfriend back in her arms.
“Welcome home.”
They don't fight anymore, or well, they do. Just not in the way they used to. It's not nuclear in the way that it used to be.
They talk way more now, and have learned the way around each other's feelings. Know exactly what makes the other tick. They've been working on clear communication more often now though, working on listening to each other and working through things together instead of waiting for it all to blow up, something Oona’s therapist had recommended actually. To meet moments of insecurity with calmness and trust.
Connor said they were scary and looked like they came out of a healthy relationship tiktok ad, but still, they were doing well and everyone could see it.
“So about that butterfly sanctuary.”