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“But that's the point, don't you think it's like—” Gwang-mu gestured wildly with his hands, trying to prove his point but not quite making it there. “—almost ironic in a way?”
............
Gang-yong finally looked up; he hadn’t heard most of the boy’s rant because he was too busy zoning out instead of paying attention to whatever he had to say. He pulled his cigarette slightly away from his face as he raised an eyebrow at Gwang-mu, “Yeah?” staring at the younger man like he was, not even the slightest bit, interested; a sort of bored, disappointed look almost. He didn’t even know what question he was supposed to be answering right now. How many more times did Gang-yong need to hear his endless rants about his shitty relationship problems?
Gwang-mu sighs in defeat, mistaking disinterest as Gang-yong being unconvinced. His lips opened and closed like a fish desperate for water before words finally came out of that useless, blabbing mouth. “I'm telling you!” His voice rose a pitch higher than before, “Min-yeong brought that upon herself; now look what happened.” He huffs out exasperatedly, suddenly remembering the times he had dated her; it was an unpleasant thought.
“You were never good with women, anyway." Gang-yong blurts out of nowhere, clearly unconsciously, with his gaze facing the vandalized wall in front of him instead of man sat beside him.
“What?” He sure as hell heard Gang-yong the first time, just needed to know what the intention was behind that. “Has it not occurred to you yet?” He paused, before continuing without any remorse, “Every girl you try dating… It just ends up in disaster.” Gang-yong exhales, smoke encapsulates them like delicate, curling pieces of ribbon, slowly tightening around their necks, that made it harder for them to breathe, gasping for air with each passing second. Or, at least in Gang-yong’s case; he didn’t know why his heart suddenly felt tight after saying that. “Wow, yeah, thanks for the advice.” Gwang-mu punched his shoulder far too roughly than expected as Gang-yong let out a startled grunt, causing him to snap him out of his trance. He muttered a curse under his breath. “Shit, man, I'm just telling you the truth,” he held his pained shoulder, a displeased look on his face. “Hey, I mean—if you're gonna be so entitled, why don't you have a girl of your own, huh?" Gwang-mu retorts; now that was something worth questioning.
He made a swatting motion towards Gwang-mu as if he were a fly, and for a moment the boy flashed an offended look, only leaning in closer. “Don't avoid the question now...” He demanded pettily. “You love nagging people, huh? That's the only thing you're good at.” Gang-yong tossed the finished cigarette butt on the ground, not caring about whether he'll get reprimanded for that or not, even though they were on school grounds. “You're avoiding the question...” He repeated, insisting to draw an answer out of Gang-yong.
“Well do I need to answer it?” Was his reply.
Gwang-mu let out a dry chuckle, a small grin playing on his lips before muttering, “Fuckin' coward..” though it held no real bite to it, almost as if he found Gang-yong's petulance endearing in a way.
“Well—its because I'm not interested,” He exhaled deeply, finally giving Gwang-mu an answer that held a certain undertone of hesitance that Gang-yong didn't want to make obvious. “That dating stuff or whatever.”
Gwang-mu stared at him incredulously. “Wait, you're serious?”
He scratched the back of his head, as if he were solving a difficult math problem, slipped in another 'really?' into the conversation, and when Gang-yong finally gave him a quick nod of confirmation, his nerves seemed to calm down. “Dude, you have nearly half of the female population in this school feral for your smartass.” Gang-yong smiled weakly at that, then scoffing, “'m flattered by the exaggeration, but no thanks.” There was a hint of unexplainable disgust in his voice. He can tell—like how fabricated that smile felt, the way his eyes narrowed ever so slightly—but Gwang-mu couldn't quite put a finger on it, couldn't understand why it was such an extreme, yet somehow subtle, reaction came from Gang-yong when he thought he had complimented him; like the very thought alone would cause him to jerk back violently.
He pushed those 'unimportant' thoughts aside for now. “You're seriously not interested in any of them? If you don't want 'em, 'least you could do is pass some to me—"
“Aish—quit it Gwang-mu,“Gang-yong interrupted unapologetically, hurling a pack of cigarettes directly at his face in hopes of shutting him up. “—go smoke one instead or whatever, you’re usually never this chatty.”
The other boy flinched, but made no attempt of complaining; it didn't hurt much anyway, he's had way worse pain inflicted to his face before. “What? I’m always this chatty!” Gwang-mu was agape in disbelief, like that was something worth being proud of about himself. He took a cigarette and placed it between his lips, gesturing for a lighter. Gang-yong tossed the cheap, pocket lighter towards him instead, unbothered (or maybe bothered enough which caused him to react so violently?) enough to even care about his mannerisms. Gwang-mu's hands stuttered, briefly caught off guard with his fingers fumbling uselessly, just short of catching it.
Gang-yong was sussposed to say something, like a snarky remark about his garrulous personality—
“—I like you better when you're not sober.”
He muttered mostly to himself rather than for the other party to hear.
And thank God he didn't.
Because it didn't seem like Gwang-mu was mentally present at the moment—cigarette in hand and was somehow already out of it. Gang-yong thinks it's a good thing, so he doesn't have to accidentally hear the unfiltered, unbridled thoughts that sometimes leave Gang-yong's lips whenever he was in a overwhelmed, emotional state.
But a part of him wants Gwang-mu to hear those thought sometimes.
Then, more distinctly, “So, just shut up.” with a playful smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. But to whom or to what? His thoughts or to Gwang-mu? Either way works—either way would help calm the bundle of nerves currently alight.
“...Pass me another one will you?” Gang-yong is afraid that he no longer cannot bear staying sober at the moment.
Gwang-mu muttered a weak, quick, 'sure', giving him the cigarette and even offering to light it for him. He declined it, reassuring the younger male that he can do it on his own instead. He took a long drag of his own cigarette, letting the comforting burn settle down in his throat; the same warmth that always stirred within him, that same pleasant, fuzzy feeling that often accompanied him in times where everything just seemed too much and he needed a moment to shut his brain off. Just for a moment at least, that would be enough.
He stared at the boy beside him, clearly lost in his own world, head tilted back and resting on the rough surface of the brick wall of the narrow-alleyway-like space in-between the small, hidden crevices of their medium-sized school, tucked away in shadows from passersby who dare disturb the usually eerie, but somehow comforting silence where Gang-yong usually finds himself in perfect, content solace.
When Gwang-mu mentioned the fact he keeps avoiding the question, he wasn't exactly lying. If anything, it was terrifyingly true, and that's what scared Gang-yong the most. He refuses to confront his feelings; he refuses to entertain those thoughts—that in every conversation with his family and relatives—hell even Gwang-mu—where the question of who he is attracted to or if he is ever considering settling in with a beautiful wife in the near future, gets slipped-in casually, he finds himself evading the chance to give them a proper answer every single time. He doesn't know why it leaves him feeling, what could be probably considered as an unnecessary amount of 'guilt', because what did he need to feel so guilty for? Why does he need to feel restless, why does he need to feel so uneasy?
So here he was once again, consistently avoiding the question—a question he himself doesn't know the answer to; a question he is unable to formulate a definite answer for.
.
.
.
It was better to keep certain things left unsaid.
That was always the safer option.