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All I could hear outside from the backstage was the mix of clasps and cheers the audience gave during the show opening ceremony. Through a small hole from a wall that cut the way off from here to the wooden stage, I could see how darkness creeped and slowly evaporated all of the light. Leaving the stage and the whole auditorium into a state of quietness.
“Kusanagi, you’re up next." The talent coordinator proclaimed as he swatted a dark curtain open, leaving a pathway for me to walk on and enter the main stage.
I could feel my heart beating at a rate incapable of being explained for my age—14. The intense heartbeat was also accompanied by leg shaking and the occasional cold sweat droplet that slided through my forehead.
This is it, I ensure myself This is the moment you’ve been waiting for months.
I took a deep breath, held it in for a few seconds, and let it out. My closed eyes opened fiercely at the barely visible stage in front of me—dimly lit by dark red lightning, making it barely visible, yet enough for myself not to get tripped. As I took my first step in, even though they can’t be seen, I could feel all of the eyes who stared at me from the audience seat: an amateur actress who had her debut with a hand-crafted monologue.
As I inhale my breath into my stomach. It suddenly hits me. The anxiety of being stared at by hundreds of people and the frightening feeling of failure.
When the lightning relit and highlighted my body. I could feel my muscles tensing up; my heart rate going out at an inhuman pace; the pool of cold sweat that all of a sudden dampened the fabric of the dress I’m wearing. But all of that can’t be compared with the worst thing that happened in this stage. In that tiny frame where the monologue should’ve been spoken out from my lips, it suddenly disappeared.
Wha-what’s happening?
Why can’t I speak?
Where’s the line I supposed to say?
Huh, the music’s already starting, but Why can’t any words come out of this damn mouth!?!?!?
On that stage, I want to rip my hair out of frustration, yet I can’t find a way to merely move my fingers. All I could do was to stand still, listen to the music, and try to remember the monologue I was supposed to read. Yet, even though I didn’t move a single muscle, my body started to twitch by itself.
Wha-what’s happening?
Before I even got a hint of the answer. My vision got blurred. I stumbled on one of my steps. And on the day of my big debut, I blacked out in front of the audience.
Why can’t I do something right? That question was the only thing I thought of after the show. I found myself awoke in a small clinic room, without anyone nearby to look after me. After that day, I quit my middle school theater, thinking that I’ve brought shame into their name.
***
“So, are you still blaming yourself after all of those years?” The person who commented was Rui, a childhood best friend of mine who just proposed a month ago.
“Well after everything that we’ve been through for three years…I think I still saw it as a past scar that can't be healed.”
A loud thud could be heard after Rui pulled a heavy workbox from the ground and put it on top of his workbench. “So the point is?”
I leaned my upper body more into the chairhand I’m using as pillows, staring at him with a confused feeling, “What point?”
“Did you find any valuable lessons in our three year journey?”
“Hm… maybe yes, maybe no…”
“Then perhaps you need to look at the positive side of it.” Rui proclaimed while his hands were busy twisting some screws.
“What do you mean by that?” I tilted my head slightly to the left, raising my eyebrows as I spoke.
“The bright side of getting unconscious in front of an audience.”
“Are there even any?” I asked, slightly agitated by his dumb question.
“Well,” Rui lifted a cardboard box while he speak, “maybe because of it you know how it feels to be ashamed in front of people and swore to never do it again, or perhaps because of it you have a reason to never accept a play held by the school, and the most important thing is…”
Rui hung his word and approached me. His golden eyes gleaned with mischievousness, paired with that smug look on his face, he looked like a cat that’s planned to steal someone's food. And sadly, in this case, I’m that someone.
The scientist suddenly pecked my left cheek on his way to leave the room. I felt my face flushing in a combination of anger and fluster when it began to heat up.
“He-hey, that’s not fair!” I raised from my slumped position and glared at him with the most angry expression I could think of. Yet it doesn’t seem to wavered any of that self smugness of his.
“And perhaps the most important thing is that you got to meet me again at highschool.” The scientist continues the word he had cut.
“Why you little.” Before I got any chance to chase him down, Rui had already sprinted out of the room.
Perhaps he was right, there might be a positive side to all of this.