Work Text:
Bard :
Who does he think he is?
That dwarf has tangled with the wrong man!
No one says "no" to King Bard!
Thranduil :
Darn right.
Bard:
Dismissed! Rejected!
Publicly humiliated! Why, that miserable swine!
Thranduil:
More wine?
Bard :
What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.
Thranduil :
Who, you? Never! Bard, you've got to pull yourself together.
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, King Bard
Looking so down in the dumps
Ev'ry guy here'd love to be you, King Bard
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man in town as admired as you
You're ev'ryone's favorite guy
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why
No one's slick as King Bard
No one's quick as King Bard
No one's bow's as incredibly thick as King Bard's
For there's no man in town half as committed
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any elf,man or Alfrid
And they'll tell you who king slayed a dragon!
Thranduil And Chorus :
No one's been like King Bard
A king pin like King Bard
Thranduil :
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like King Bard
Bard :
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
Thranduil and Chorus :
My what a guy, that King Bard!
Give five "hurrahs!"
Give twelve "hip-hips!"
Thranduil :
King Bard is the best
And the rest is all drips
Chorus :
No one fights like King Bard
Douses lights like King Bard
Thranduil :
No one smuggles twelve dwarves through men’s shites like King Bard!
Bardlings :
Yes our Da’s generosity at its pinnacle
Bard :
As you see I've got groups hugs to spare!
Thranduil :
Not a bit of him's selfish or cynical
Bard :
That's right!
Unless your under five foot and covered with hair!
Chorus :
No one hits like King Bard
Matches wits like King Bard
Thranduil :
In a spitting match nobody spits like King Bard
Bard :
I'm especially good at expectorating!
Ptoooie!
Chorus :
Ten points for King Bard!
Bard :
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Ev'ry morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!
Chorus :
Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a guy, that King Bard!
No one shoots like King Bard
Makes those beauts like King Bard
Thranduil :
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like King Bard
Batd :
I use fishing nets in all of my decorating!
Chorus :
My what a guy,
King Bard!
“Help! Please! Help!”
Snapping out of his musings, Bard’s eyes turned to the small intruder, and his eyes widened.
“Master Hobbit? How did you escape the mountain?”
“No time to explain! Please! You need to help me! He’s-He’s gone mad!”
“Steady, halfling,” Thranduil commented in his usual deadpan. “We all know the so called ‘King under the Mountain’ has gone mad.”
Bard prepared himself as he saw the small hobbit puff up as his mouth shifted into a serious frown.
“Okay, first off, I'm not half of anything , your highness,” Master Baggins spat out the title. “Second, he is king of the mountain. Or, at least he would be, of it wasn't for this.”
Out of his pocket, the little burglar procured the most exotic looking stone Bard had ever seen in his life. From the gasp beside him, he had a pretty good idea of what exactly it was.
“How did you get that?”
“Took it as my fourteenth share,” the hobbit said nonchalantly. “It's yours. But, only if you use it as a trading tool. Your share, his jewels, for this stone. I care for these dwarves. Even his majestic royal highne.And I don't want them harmed. So do we have a deal?”
Mulling over Master Baggins’ proposition, and trying to hold back the urge to pinch the cheeks of the tiny little creature- they puffed out when he frowned, like a chipmunk!- he turned to Thranduil, and motioned for them to discuss it in the corner of the tent.
Bard :
Thranduil, I'm afraid I've been thinking
“Wait? Why are you singing?”
Thranduil :
A dangerous pastime
Bard :
I know.
But that sweet little Hobbit is Thorin's lover
“Wh-why I never-!”
Bard:
And our chances of a treaty are low
Now the wheels in my head have been turning
Since I looked at that shiny rock
See, Thorin promised in the square that we'd be getting our share
And right now I'm evolving a plot!
Bard :
If I . . . (whisper)
Thranduil :
Yes?
Bard :
Then we . . . (whisper)
Thranduil :
No! Would he...
Bard :
(whisper) Guess!
Thranduil :
Now I get it!
BOTH :
Let's go!
No one plots like King Bard
“Aaaaannndd now their dancing..”
Bard :
Takes cheap shots like King Bard
Thranduil :
Plans to blackmail hairy crackpots like King Bard
Bard :
Yes, I'm endlessly, wildly resourceful
Thranduil :
As down to the depths we’ll descend
Bard :
Though I will be mildly remorseful
BOTH :
Just as long as we get what we want in the end
“Wait, what?”
Bard :
Who has brains like King Bard?
Thranduil :
Entertains like King Bard?
BOTH :
Who can make up these endless refrains like King Bard?
And Durin’s death we soon will be celebrating!
“ Wait, WHAT?!?”
Both and Chorus:
My what a guy
King Bard!