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Satoru has had a mega crush on Suguru since day one.
Sure thing, sad, but he thought he had time. He's still in the grey zone after years of being friends for reasons. They're both guys, alright? It's not that simple. Suguru is his best friend, and his first ever at it. And if he were to ask Shoko about it, she'd say it's more about the fact he's a spastic sheltered bocchan with a huge ego and no manners, so he wasn't going to ask her. That was all basic knowledge. They were grooving in the status quo.
Enter Haibara with his puppy crush.
Zero fucks were given about the fact they're both guys. He just pulls up to his Geto-sensei one day and hits him straight on,
"You're cute, can we go on a date?"
Satoru almost dies of a heart attack right then and there. He's so ready to belittle the boy into oblivion, but then Suguru agrees. He agrees.
For the first time in his life, Satoru is left speechless.
He tries everything in his power to rain on Haibara's parade from that point on while also not making it too obvious that he has a crush as well. But Suguru already knows, because Satoru is not subtle at all. It serves nothing, though.
Suguru likes to be appreciated. He likes Satoru in a way he doesn't like anyone else, but he also likes to be bought heartfelt gifts, wooed on dates, and to see that extra effort being put in. Haibara even writes him letters. Satoru gags and makes fun of them, then goes back to his dorm and tries to write one himself.
All he manages is "I fucking love you, weird bangs." before balling up the paper and throwing it at the wall.
He can do fucking poetry, alright? Haibara's rhymes were first-graders worthy. But it's so cringe! He can't let Suguru see him being so lame. He has to be the cool guy. That's what people fall in love with in the dramas. The cool and mysterious kid.
The next day, he buys Suguru a top-brand phone. It's the latest model, very expensive. Suguru looks at him weirdly, but still thanks him and switches his sim to the new model. Satoru is smitten for all of two seconds before Haibara texts him a good morning filled with smiley faces and <3<3. He even sends an MMS making aegyo. Suguru laughs and sets it as his screensaver, and Satoru wants to smash the phone against the wall as well.
During Valentine's Day, he pulls up extra early to the best pâtisserie in Tokyo to custom-order some chocolates. Then He goes to Suguru to brag about his ‘gift’ and insists until he has to pick one from the lot.
Suguru sucks on his peppermint bonbon—of course he would pick the most hideous taste of them all—asking Satoru all about this specific gift among all the others he received throughout the day, as he was expecting to hear something in particular. Satoru makes up lots and lots of bullshit about some rich lady who's been swooning over the Gojo heir since he was a child just to make Suguru jealous. He doesn't want to admit he bought those chocolates on his own to share with Suguru.
But after he says that, the other boy doesn't want any more from his box. Satoru keeps pushing it his way all day long, but Suguru is immovable.
Then Haibara shows up, and his mood plummets even further. He's all dirty and scruffled from his mission, with a wrinkled paper in hand. It's chocolate for Suguru!
It comes with another one of those fucking love letters, and it looks cheap as fuck, but Suguru looks happy as he opens it. The bites inside are all weird-shaped and ugly, to be honest. Haibara cheerfully apologises.
"Sorry if they're like that! I burned all the first ones I made, so I had to stay up all night and then run to the mission and..."
Suguru squints hard, noticing just then how Haibara's eyes have dark circles under them and how exhausted he looks. He scolds him sternly and makes him promise to never again take a mission lightly for something that mundane, but then he also kisses him on his cheek.
Haibara goes red with excitement. Satoru goes red with rage. He can't even stalk off and throw a tantrum. He can't risk leaving these two out of his sight for even a second.
This is getting ridiculous.
No matter what he does, Satoru can't help but lose ground to Haibara. And that boy is so bad at it too! Zero suave, no cool moves. All he does is speak his mind and say the most cringey, honest things!
Satoru decides it can't be his fault, so it must be Suguru's.
Convinced Suguru's tastes are just cheap, he starts to buy him the worst thing on the menu, the least expensive gadgets, the basic packages for everything they do.
With Haibara, it always works. But when Satoru does it, Suguru frowns. He still politely thanks him, but Satoru can tell it's not good, and the crease on his forehead only worsens.
The last straw is when they're on a mission in Kyoto and get stuck for the night. Through all the fine places to eat a bite, when Suguru asks where they should stop, Satoru picks the first KFC he sees down the street.
It's snowing and it's freezing because Kyoto in winter is freezing, and he's in a bad mood watching all the lovey-dovey couples spending a romantic weekend right under his nose. He stomps into the place first and tells Suguru to buy whatever, that he'll pay anyway. When he raises his eyes, Suguru is silently looking at him with a dejected look on his face. He almost looks sad.
Satoru has been in a horrible mood all day, so he turns his head the other way and pretends not to see it at all.
When they return to the college and Suguru tells him he's going to spend the couple of free days they have over New Year's Eve with Haibara, Satoru is not even surprised. Of course a country bumpkin would want to spend the only holidays they have in some pisshole with nothing but beans and stupid cows around!
When they leave, Satoru stays back at Jujutsu Tech and ruins his days imagining the worst things those two could be up to.
So many times he's ready to teleport out and end their honeymoon. But then Suguru would just despise him even more, wouldn't he?
A mean part of him is convinced Suguru already despises him enough, so it wouldn't be so terrible in the end.
Satoru tries to keep that thought out of his mind by throwing himself into mission after mission, even when nobody's asking him to. Then when there are no more missions, he goes to bother Shoko.
She stayed as well, too comfortable in her own solitude to go back home and pretend she doesn't spend her days between dead bodies. Satoru briefly considers using her to make Suguru jealous, and it's as if she can read his mind. She snorts and blows smoke into his eyes until they tear up—Satoru never put Infinity up inside the college.
The Haibara issue burdens him so much that he ends up spilling everything. Shoko listens with a cheshire grin on her mug and then laughs. Satoru considers sending her to the next mission alone and tells her that.
"See, that's the difference between you and Haibara. You're both idiots, but you're also mean on top of it. No wonder Suguru picked him in the end."
The way she uses the past tense as if it's something already done and finished finally makes Satoru dawn on the fact that Suguru will likely come back from that trip with a boyfriend.
Will they even be best friends then? Will Suguru still have time for him?
Satoru twists his hands into his hair, at a loss for words.
"I tried to do the same shit he was doing and nothing worked!"
Shoko cocks a brow at him like he's straight-up showing a slowness in the head she never noticed.
"You think you can win a guy like Suguru by copying some other dude?"
She shakes her head, keeps on smoking her ten-thousandth cigarette of the day, but what she said stays with Satoru.
He decides to finally buy a magazine on how to woo someone. He reads it all and throws it in the trash in less than twenty minutes.
Be yourself. What bullshit. Satoru is always himself. He's Gojo Satoru, for fuck's sake!
Give heartfelt compliments. That's just cringe. What's he supposed to do, go up to Suguru and tell him he's beautiful or something? He’ll just laugh in his face! Besides, that's the Haibara way, and as Shoko said, it's not the one he should go for.
Tell jokes, bathe regularly, learn to dance or play music. The rest is just straight-up bullshit. He won't win Suguru over by doing him a fucking dance. He's not an exotic bird.
Satoru sighs and throws himself on his bed. He's tired of thinking about Suguru. It's as if he never left his brain alone once since he left.
In a moment of weakness, Satoru picks up the phone and dials him. He doesn't even think there will be a line for the call to connect, but after ten rings, Suguru finally picks up.
"Satoru! Hi!" He sounds in a good mood. "Miss me already?"
"Yeah. I can't stop thinking about you."
That's actually the truth, so Satoru just answers honestly. The line is silent after he says it, and he fears Suguru is just going to hang up on him.
"So, how's it going with your boyfriend?" He half-jokes to keep the conversation going.
"That's why you called? Checking on me? Or just checking if we kissed already? Had sex maybe?"
"What the fuck!" Satoru shouts before thinking twice.
"I was joking..."
"...Sorry. I don't want to swear in your ear." Suguru hates when he does that. But his heart did something weird there.
"You know I'd tell you all about it once it happens. You don't need to beg for it."
"Suguruuuu!"
There's some scratching in the background, then voices. Suguru's breath sounds short as well. "Sorry, I need to go. We're almost done walking. I'll send you a postcard of the view, okay?"
Satoru doesn't want to spend another two days yearning like a mangy dog, but sulking now won't serve much. Suguru probably wouldn't even care. He's so far away already.
"Are we going to be best friends still, right?" He asks in another half-joke that spectacularly backfires.
Suguru takes a beat too long to answer. "...We'll see about that."
After Suguru hangs up, Satoru feels the worst he has ever felt in his life.
"Oh, Shoko told me you'd be sulking in there."
Satoru grunts. He may be sitting in the dark, staring at the ceiling, but that's just because his eyes hurt. No other reason.
He hasn't jumped up to go and greet his friend once Suguru and Haibara got back, no. Sue him. He wasn't that eager to be told the love of his life just got promised to another man and was getting ready to be shipped away somewhere—or whatever happens now.
He sits up with a gloomy look to meet Suguru's gaze. The last thing he expects is for the boy to lift his chin and kiss him. A soft peck, nothing more than a caress, but it still leaves Satoru shell-shocked.
It takes him a couple of seconds to regain his wits.
"Suguruuuu!"
He grabs him by his waist—a nice handful for his hands, he always knew—and tries to pull him close for more.
Suguru lays a hand on his throat and pushes him away. Satoru gurgles his disappointment, eyes like saucers begging for something more still. He can't just do that and then move along!
"Suguruuu..."
Suguru sighs. "My fault, for only picking guys with puppy eyes."
He cups Satoru's face with both hands and kisses him again, on his cheek this time.
"Now you two are fair, so stop sulking."
That's both wonderful and horrible news. Did he kiss Haibara then?
"But for you, they're both on trust," Suguru continues, giving him a meaningful glare.
Satoru clicks his tongue. He shrugs. "What for? I already know you like Haibara best."
Suguru makes a face. It resembles a lot the face Shoko made a few days back. It irks Satoru. Why does everyone keep treating him like he's dumb?!
"It's true! The same exact shit he got you, when I was the one buying it you always looked annoyed! You clearly hate me!"
Suguru's hands leave his face, and Satoru understands he made yet another mistake.
"You were buying me only knockoffs!"
"Because that was what you liked!"
Suguru looks speechless for a second. "That's not true! I like expensive gifts better!"
Satoru snorts. "False. I tried with those, and you still preferred Haibara's."
He wants to cross his arms but then he'll have to let go of Suguru, and he can't do that. Maybe if he keeps holding him tight, he'll even get kissed a third time.
"You were giving me random stuff! And lying while at it! Besides, I'm not going to take food out of someone's mouth just to stroke my ego! You know full well Haibara sends every bit of his wage back home."
Satoru purses his lips. Did he, really?
He never cared enough to remember these kinds of details about some brat. Suguru reads his thoughts plainly and sighs.
"I'm giving you another chance, Satoru. But if you keep on being like this, you'll miss this one too, and then you can sulk all you want, I won't care anymore."
"Like this how?"
Suguru sets his lips in a straight line. "I don't want somebody who's scared to show he likes me."
"'m not scared," Satoru mumbles, even if he is, perhaps, a little scared. But not for the reasons Suguru thinks.
"Then you don't care enough to show me, and that's even worse. You didn't even confess! You just started to act up because some other guy wanted to date me! I had to read between the lines! You know I could have just kept pretending I didn't know about your feelings and played dumb? That would have saved me a whole lot of headaches!"
Suguru tries to push free of his grip, clearly annoyed by the direction of the conversation.
Satoru panics, pulling him in tighter with his arms and even using Blue until he has his face glued into Suguru's stomach, and did he even mention how good he smells?
"What, you want me to write you letters and shit? I can do that too, you know? And even better than that bastard."
Suguru gives up on his struggles. "Then do it."
"No. It's cringe."
"I don't see why that's a problem. You're the most cringe person I know."
"Ahhh?!" Satoru pushes his face up to shoot Suguru a glare. Suguru takes advantage to flick him on the forehead. Satoru pouts, squeezing him even tighter until Suguru groans.
"Is that why you were sad in Kyoto?"
Suguru opens his mouth to answer him, then stops. He sighs, deflates like a balloon.
"You know what? I don't want to spend the rest of my life telling you what to do. Either you get it, or you don't."
This time, when he forces Satoru to let go of him, Satoru has to. He goes back outside, telling him Haibara asked him to go to the arcade together and Suguru is planning on going.
Satoru didn't take that bastard to be such a greedy bitch. He has Suguru for himself for days! It was Satoru's turn now!
But the moment of freedom allows him to go hunting for answers from the only person who seems to understand anything. It may be cheating, but if Suguru remains true to his words, this is Satoru's last chance. He's not going to take any risks.
"So basically we went to a KFC to eat, and he looked like the sky was falling over. Ideas?"
"Dude, you have to give me a little more context here."
Satoru stops to grab Shoko melon bread from the highest konbini shelf they snuck into. It started to pour buckets outside, and he took it as a good excuse for a treat run.
"Like?"
"When? Where? Why?" She makes a face. "Was it a date? Don't tell me it was a date."
"It wasn't a date. We eat fast food all the time."
They pay and sit down to heat up their packed ramen.
"So? Context please!"
Satoru thinks this issue down deep amuses her. She loves to gossip just as much as Suguru does. Not that Satoru doesn't, eh. He's just better than them, he thinks.
"Kyoto. Hmm, December 20. Was cold as hell."
Shoko's eyes light up. Satoru understands she's already figured out the catch, and this sends him into a frenzy. Come on, it can't be that simple!
"Was it snowing?"
"Yeah."
"Romantic?"
"Kinda."
She covers her mouth with a hand and giggles. "Suguru was expecting you to take him out on a date on the most romantic week of the year, and you brought him to KFC?" She snickers evilly. "Tell me at least you held the door for him."
Satoru doesn't think he did, but he wouldn't bet his life on it. It was a whole month ago. It's not like he can remember everything they do!
“How was I supposed to know! He could have told me if he wanted a date! Besides, why should I be the one asking? We're both guys. Do guys even go on dates?" He mutters the last part under his breath, and Shoko gives him a resigned look.
"See, that's why you're losing bad against that guy. It's as if you don't even care."
"I do care!"
The guy at the counter gives them a mean glance as Satoru raises his voice, and Satoru gives one back.
"Why don't you put that big brain you've got to use then? Do you think Suguru would like it if you always take the easy way out? If it's not coming off as hard, then you're not doing it right."
And maybe she's the wisest person alive, or perhaps it's just that the universe has finally aligned for him, but Satoru finally gets it.
He spends the whole evening watching the most tooth-rotting movies about gentlemen and love and stuff like that. The next day, he marches through at least five different flower shops until they arrange a bouquet Satoru is sure Suguru will love, not just like, then goes home and opens the fucking red letter he bought and starts to write Suguru a poem.
It takes him three days. And at that point it would be enough to ask for a date, but what Shoko said is still hovering in the back of his head like an electric sign, going on and off every couple seconds. Satoru feels like he can do more.
He goes back to that pâtisserie and buys Suguru a box of peppermint chocolates and other chilli-flavoured and ultra-dark ones Satoru would have a stroke eating, and asks to put a little note for each with the cheesiest pick-up lines he can think of. Suguru wants cringe? Satoru will give him cringe.
After he writes down the last, most abominable I think we're mint to be! and his dignity is no more, he gets an idea and asks to place only one, white milk and strawberry, for himself in the centre of the box. Then he asks for another little note because at this point who gives a damn.
With his ears now well past the blunt of red, he scribbles the last terrific line on the notepad the staff gave him to make the order and passes it over to the girl at the counter. She reads it as she did with all the past ones.
I must be a snowflake because I'm falling for you. Can I be your knight in shining armour?
She snickers, and Satoru doesn't even try to defend himself.
This was an exercise in degradation, and Suguru would probably have loved being there for it. But he'll live.
After Suguru opens all his gifts and agrees to go out with him, Satoru works double shifts to clear both their days for that same Saturday. This time, he remembers to open the door for Suguru, and at the end of the night, he does the same to the door of his dorm, even with Suguru between his arms, sucking off his tongue like he needs it to breathe.
Fuck.
Satoru can do cheesy, if that's what he gets for it.