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Ze stared up at the ceiling, the corners of his vision darkening. He wasn’t about to fall asleep. In fact, he’d been struggling with that ever since the Daemon came along and started interrupting his everything.
The Daemon had been here for.. What, about twelve days now?
Ze rolled onto his side, squeezing his eyes shut and covering his face with his wings. Fuck.
Everything hurt so fucking bad. His arms hurt still. His eye hurt. His chest hurt. He just wanted to go crawl to the living room and beg for Moe and Regect to take care of him, but that would be admitting that he needed them to their faces, and he was just trying so hard not to.
I don’t want to get them involved anymore.
They’ve done enough.
Ze tried to blink back tears. He hadn’t remembered the last time he’d been so willing to cry all the time. Every day felt like a losing battle, but before all of this, he’d felt so much tougher than this. Not so much like a… bitch.
He could almost hear Regect taunting him. “Pussy.”
Ze grit his teeth, bringing one of his large wings up and over his body, closing his eyes again. Regect doesn’t need to know this side. The Daemon told him soothingly, making Ze just shake his head. “I… I don’t want him to.” he said quietly.
This is just for me.
Me alone.
Please leave me alone. Just for a little while.
The Daemon clearly hesitated. But the plea in Ze’s voice, the way he cried so quietly, made him concede. Okay. I’ll be back soon, Ze. Let it out.
The same words the Daemon had used when Ze relapsed.
Over and over again.
Let it out.
Ze just curled up, his shoulders shaking. The moon poured through his window, the house creaked and settled around him, and he knew it was probably a horrid time of night. They had plans tomorrow.
Moe had made sure they had plans to hang out, to go do stuff and actually live, but here Ze was, destroying his schedule in favor of crying like a baby.
His breathing hitched, catching in his chest when he heard his door open. He immediately whipped around, moving both sets of wings to get a look at who was at the door. The hallway light was still off, but he could see who it was. The moonlight glinted off a very specific golden collar that he recognized.
“Regect?” He muttered, sitting up slowly and clearing his throat. His voice was scratchy, and his nose was sniffly. “Hey.” Regect closed the door behind him, meandering over and sitting on the edge of the bed. “I knew you were up. Had to of been with how tired you’ve been lately.”
Ze turned his head away, bringing one of his wings up to hide his face again. “I… yeah. Can’t sleep.” He muttered. Regect sighed, tilting his head. “Want some company?” Ze scoffed weakly, turning his head away. “...No…” he muttered, but Regect rolled his eyes, staying put.
“...Fine.”
There it was.
Ze just flopped back, his wings spreading out across the bed, and Regect huffed, pushing one. “Make room, jackass–”
Though when his claws met Ze’s wing, he paused, looking over them slowly in the moonlight. They were so soft. Ze paused as well, looking over at Regect, then to his hand. “What?”
“Your wings.” Regect noted, making Ze scoff. “Uh-huh. Right there.”
“Shut up, dickhead,” the entity scoffed as well, pushing it the rest of the way before laying down next to Ze. “I just mean, like… they’re softer than I thought. I thought the feathers would be kinda rough, you know, since they’re against the wind and stuff.”
Ze thought for a moment, quiet. “Mmn… They do get rough sometimes. That’s why you gotta clean ‘em, you know?” The player rolled onto his side, spreading one wing toward the ceiling. “Otherwise it gets hard to fly. It hurts.”
Regect nodded slowly. “Oh. I guess that makes sense. Is that why you take twelve years in the shower?” He snickered, making Ze scoff and roll onto his back, turning his head away from Regect. “No, asshole. That’s because I have to–” He cut himself off, furrowing his brows. He continued, but refused to look at the other, “I have to be careful. With my cuts and stuff.”
He already knew the look the entity was probably giving him. That kicked puppy look. So he just didn’t look. His throat felt tight. He wanted to cry again. But now he couldn’t do that because some fucking dickhead pushed his way into Ze’s room at two in the morning.
So he just opted to cover his face with his wings again. Regect sighed, reaching out and lightly touching Ze’s feathers once more. He pet them slowly, careful not to push the feathers in any wrong way. Ze felt his stomach lurch in that nasty way that said that maybe he seriously was just an old, kicked dog.
Ze took a shaky, deep breath, keeping his head turned away, but his wing slowly relaxed, and he felt his breath hitch on his next inhale. Regect noticed, obviously, but just chose to shift and lay on his side, getting comfortable as he continued petting his feathers. “Ze.”
Ze took a quiet, deep breath. “What?”
“Wanna tell me what’s going on yet?” The entity asked quietly. “No,” the other whispered back almost silently. “I can’t. I… I can’t… worry you about this. Not anymore.” He shook his head. Regect could literally hear the tremble in Ze’s lip, but he persisted. Did it suck he had to be this pushy? Yes. But he knew damn well Ze wouldn’t tell him a thing otherwise.
“This isn’t about me being worried anymore, Ze. It’s going to be that way regardless.” Regect muttered. “You’re clearly not doing okay anymore. I know that stupid fucking thing is messing with you. But I just want to talk to you again. Not that thing, not the version of you trying to appease that thing.”
Ze just squeezed his eyes shut, turning away again. “Regect, please. I-... I don’t want to think about any of that right now. I’m tired of thinking about that.”
Regect sighed, reaching out and carefully peeling one of the wings away from his face. There it was, just as he’d expected. The tears, the flushed cheeks, the trembling words leaving his mouth as he scrambled for some kind of excuse that wasn’t just simply, I’m scared.
This fucking idiot.
Regect sighed, reaching down and wrapping an arm around Ze’s shoulders, pulling him closer. Ze squeezed his eyes shut, burying his face against Regect’s chest, taking a shaky breath inward to try and stop the tears that were coming faster. It was like Regect had opened up a dam he had been keeping barely closed together with a few twigs. “Come on man, talk to me.” The entity muttered, his other hand resting on the back of Ze’s head. “I can’t help if you don’t talk.”
“I d-don’t-” Ze began, trying to take another breath. “I don’t know i-if I even can, Regect,” he went on, the wings behind his ears flapping slightly, as if unsure what to do other than hide his face. Regect brought his hands up, resting them over Ze’s ears and forcing the wings to still. Ze just kept his eyes closed, tears pouring out of them.
“I’m running out of ideas.” Ze told him finally, his voice weak. “I’m so fucking sick of this. I’m so sick of- of trying to push the blame onto everyone else, t-this is all my fault,” He hiccuped, bringing a hand up to his mouth to quiet himself. “I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of myself. I fucking hate myself.”
Regect didn’t say anything for a long moment, allowing himself to absorb it. He wanted to tell himself that it was the Daemon telling Ze all those things. Telling him to hate himself, telling him he was the problem, but he’d seen the signs in the past.
He’d chosen to ignore them.
It’s not my problem. That’s too big of a can of worms. I don’t care.
All things Regect had told himself in the past to dodge topics like Ze’s constantly tanking self esteem and self harm issues. Because back then, he hadn’t cared. None of those things changed that he could harass Ze, he could push him around, but now it was getting to a point where Regect was beginning to feel guilty even pushing the guy around anymore in fear that it would be Ze’s breaking point.
Regect took a slow breath, mostly because he felt like crying himself. Ze had never actually confided in him ever, and at this point he knew it was likely because Ze was getting desperate, but there was something terribly discouraging about seeing the bravest person you know in shambles.
But Regect sucked it up because if there was any possibility of helping Ze, it would be like this.
Regect had been so lost in thought that he hadn’t even noticed Ze still talking. He internally cringed. That’s not a good start.
“...and it’s all just p-pointless,” Ze finished his rant, his wings now just drooping. “It’s s-so pointless. I tried to get away b-because I just wanted to s-save you,” He cried, his tears soaking Regect’s fur.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I just… I don’t think there’s any way to c-change what I know will happen.”
Regect’s grip on his shoulders tightened. “Do not.” He interrupted. “I don’t want to hear anything about you thinking you’re dying. You’re not.”
“Regect—”
The entity cut him off by simply petting his head wings, pushing his hair away from them to avoid their tangling. Ze’s shoulders, once tense, seemed to freeze mid-relax, his wings slowly falling limp against the side of his head. “I…” He trailed off, his eyes fluttering for a moment.
Ze wanted to remember this.
If he died. If he didn’t come back.
If he killed himself.
He’d want to remember this before he pulled the trigger.
Ze’s lip trembled slightly the more he thought about it. The thought was supposed to be comforting. But it wasn’t.
Typically, when Ze had bad days, just imagining taking his life would be enough to calm him down, as crazy as it sounded. The idea of just leaving the world as he crawled into bed at night, just to wake up the next day would typically leave him feeling alright. Like a temporary escape, like temporary death. But now, as he thought about it, more tears fell.
“Regect,” he managed to get out, his voice cracking. “I don’t know what to do anymore. N-Nothing is working.”
The entity hummed in thought, slowly moving to sit up. “How about water, for starters?” He suggested slowly, the avian slowly sitting up on one elbow. His wings still drooped in exhaustion, tears were still stuck to his lashes, but he seemed at least a little calmer now that someone else, someone that wasn’t the Daemon, was giving him some sort of direction.
“Okay,” Ze said slowly, wiping his nose with the back of his sleeve.
“And actual pajamas. You’re literally still wearing your belt. No wonder you can’t sleep. Did you even change?” Regect asked as he got up, walking to the door.
Ze shook his head slightly.
Regect hummed. He figured as much.
“I’ll be right back. Don’t hang yourself while I’m gone.” He told the other, leaving Ze there in a dark, silent room for a while.
Fuck.
Ze slowly looked around. He knew it was probably just a trick of the wetness in his eyes, but the moonlight did seem to shine through his room more than he’d realized before Regect had come in. Light shone across his dresser, the metal of one of his beloved shotguns that he’d left taken apart on his desk glimmering in the light. He stayed there in that position, all his weight on one elbow, until it hurt. Then he slowly sank down, looking at his arms.
He wished he’d been strong enough to stop doing this to himself.
When Regect returned, he had a glass of water and a couple pills. Ze furrowed his brows, squinting to see it in the dark. “Huh? You tryna drug me or somethin’?” He asked, wiping his nose again. Regect scoffed. “You fucking wish.” He handed Ze the glass first. “It’s for your headache.”
Ze rolled his eyes, taking a slow, shaky drink. “I didn’t tell you I have a headache.”
“You just cried in my a-”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP-”
“Jesus Christ, quiet you’re gonna wake Moe-”
Ze just covered his face with his wings again, his face burning in embarrassment. “Ugh, you’re fucking unbearable… I can’t believe I just poured my fucking heart out to you.”
Regect moved to sit next to him again, smirking. “Yeah, you did. Oooh, how scary of you.” He sighed, looking over Ze briefly for a moment before getting up again, moving to Ze’s dresser. “Hey, what are you-”
“Getting you clothes that aren’t dirty and gross.” The entity replied simply, opening the drawers. “You-” Ze began, his face burning red. “Regect-!”
“What? Oh spooky, boxers,” Regect rolled his eyes, setting aside a pair along with some sweatpants and a t-shirt. “No, I…” Ze tried again, but the words died in his throat. He wanted to be taken care of, didn’t he? But that came at the price of someone else. Someone else having to—
God, he wanted to cry again.
Or puke.
Or cut.
Or something.
Ze squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. Jesus Christ, he was so sensitive lately. That felt so unusual for him. Usually the concept of someone not liking him or him inconveniencing someone didn’t bother him that much, but lately anything with Regect and Moe involved immediately became a life-ending, brutal bother that somehow made their lives worse.
But after Ze took the pills, Regect took the glass from him, setting it on the side table before reaching out, helping him undo his belt. Ze’s face exploded into red, and he moved to push him away, but Regect grabbed his wrist loosely. “Ze. I’m not trying to be some freak ass, I’m trying to help.” He said quietly. “If you seriously don’t want me to help, then tell me, but just know my intentions first. I’m not trying to do anything.”
Ze tensed, his wings puffed up slightly, looking at Regect’s grip on him. I want help. He thought desperately. I want help. Please. Please help me. Don’t go yet. Please.
But he couldn’t say that. He knew that would get him made fun of at exactly eight in the morning when nothing from the night mattered anymore. He felt his whole body shake slightly from how hard he had to try and suppress crying again, especially as he allowed Regect’s claws to slip his belt through the loops.
Please don’t say anything. God please. Please don’t say anything. Please.
But as Regect helped him slide out of his jeans, as the blackened skin came into view, as the harsh, jagged lines of scars cutting through his dark skin showed themselves, Regect didn’t so much as flinch. That alone made Ze cover his face again, his wings soaking up the tears that fell.
He couldn’t tell what was worse. This gentle tenderness or if Regect had pointed and laughed. Called him a pussy. Do anything that wasn’t this. He felt so fucking pathetic.
You can be pathetic, sometimes.
Ze heard his breath hitch, heard the quiet hic that escaped his lips at the words that echoed through his brain, and Regect paused, letting the jeans fall quietly before reaching out, pulling Ze close again. He didn’t make him open up his wings again, just held him and stroked his bigger wings quietly.
Ze just shook his head weakly. “Regect, p-please,” he began finally. “Please don’t… just…” Regect brushed his hair back again before pulling away slowly, nodding slightly despite Ze being unable to see it.
He could understand the distress Ze was in, both mentally and physically, but God it fucking hurt not being able to do anything about it.
Regect moved to slip his boxers off, and even though Ze tensed, he didn’t say anything or protest. Regect didn’t comment or even make a teasing remark in any way, even though he absolutely would have if this had been under any other circumstances. But for now, he just unfolded the clean pair of boxers, helping Ze slide them up his legs before gently maneuvering him to lay down, lifting his hips to pull them the rest of the way up.
“Alright, come on, you gotta help a guy out a little,” Regect said finally, taking Ze’s hands and making him sit up. “Let’s get your shirt off.” Ze nodded stiffly, his eyes watery yet blank as he moved his wings back, and Regect pulled his hoodie over his head, and then carefully moved around Ze to get the hoodie off of his wings. Regect paused, just looking down at Ze’s wings, mesmerized. Ze squeezed his eyes shut.
“What now?”
“Nothing.”
Ze lifted his head slightly, meeting his gaze finally. “Are you sure about that-?” Regect just smiled a bit. “Your wings are just so strong.” He said, running his claws along the feathers again. “I know I already said it but… it’s cool. They’re so cool looking.”
Ze’s face flushed, and he turned his head a little. “That’s…” He began, unable to even find the words to express how embarrassed he felt. “Um…” He muttered, but Regect beat him to any kind of response. He shifted, sitting on the bed behind Ze before pulling him carefully into his lap, Ze’s wings limp between the two.
Regect hummed, continuing to run his claws against the feathers, in the exact spot where small, soft feathers blended into his skin. The one part of his body that didn’t have any kind of black blemishes on it, and it was his wings. Go figure…
Regect smiled slightly to himself however, despite the thoughts. Because that just meant, in his eyes, that the Daemon couldn’t ruin something so pure.
So angelic.
Ze didn’t say anything, but he was absolutely flustered beyond words— Regect just leaned in, resting his head between Ze’s wings, making the other jump in surprise a little. “Regect-?”
“Just give me a minute.” Regect sighed, closing his eye. “I know shit sucks right now. Okay. Yeah. But just give me this.” He said quietly, shifting to rest his head against Ze’s shoulder instead, Ze’s back against his chest. “It’s not every day that you tell me what’s up.”
Ze scoffed, pushing at him a little. “Oh shut up, you fucking asshole-”
Regect just shook his head a bit. “I’m being serious, Ze. Me and Moe have been so goddamn worried and all we can do is hope you’re taking care of yourself most days, which you clearly haven’t.”
Ze hesitated, but fell quiet.
Regect was right.
But he hated it. He hated that so fucking much.
Regect moved his head up, pressing the quietest, carefulest kiss against Ze’s neck, right under his hairline. “Your hair smells like shit.” He muttered, making Ze let out a frustrated sound. “You should shower in the morning.”
“It is the morning.”
“You know what I mean, asshole.”
Ze furrowed his brows as he felt the kisses trail downward. A bunch of them pressed between his wings, against his shoulders, along the edges of his wings. He shivered. “Stop that…” he muttered, though his actions proved otherwise as he leaned into it. Regect just hummed lightly, a small smile on his face. “You’re getting soft, Ze.” He teased, the other scoffing. “I’d imagine I am. My fucking brain is half possessed most of the time.”
Regect wanted to frown at that, but he had finally gotten Ze to calm down enough to stop talking about his death, so he chose to brush past it. “Well, yeah.” He said instead, his hands resting over Ze’s stomach, keeping him against him. “It’s kind of nice though. Not having you point a gun at me for just coming in here.”
“Yeah, you should be dead right now.” Ze muttered back, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment as he rested his hands on Regect’s wrists, as if he were going to push him off, but thought better of it.
Please stay.
The words weren’t spoken aloud, but Regect felt like he could hear them nonetheless. “Wanna talk yet?” He asked, resting his lips along the curve of one of the wings behind Ze’s ear. Ze shivered slightly, and he curled up a little. “I… I don’t know. If I do, I might just start like, bawling like a bitch.” He gave a shaky laugh, moving his wings to cover his face again.
That was something that Regect had always noticed, and something he both loved and hated. He loved watching those wings move to Ze’s wishes, to cover up his face and cover his vulnerability, but he also just wished he could see that vulnerability once in a while.
So, Regect slid his hands up Ze’s torso, still under his arms, lightly flicking the wings away. “Come on, if you think you’re dying, you could at least give up a little dignity tonight. It’s just us.”
Ze scoffed lightly, but the wings slowly lowered themselves to reveal his face, his cheeks still covered by the feathered tips. “So you admit I’m gonna die.”
“I said you think you’re dying, idiot.”
“Yeah but–”
“Ze. Shut the fuck up.”
Ze’s words died in his throat, and he just instead turned his head to look out the window, allowing Regect’s lips to reach his neck. “Pain in my ass.” He muttered under a red face. “I know.” Regect replied, closing his eye as he rested his lips just under Ze’s jaw. “Weren’t you getting me a shirt or something?” The avian mumbled under his breath, but Regect snickered. “Yeah, but the view is nice like this.”
“Ew, that’s cringe as fuck.”
“Yeah, just like you.”
“At least come up with an original response, Jesus-”
“Oh my goooooddddd, you’re never happy with anything-”
“Shut the fuck up-”
Regect just huffed, squeezing him for a moment, but then he let his eyes trail down over Ze’s shoulder. His wounds were still fresh on his arms, not even bandaged since the last time he’d done this. “Haven’t cleaned these up yet?” Ze furrowed his brows a little, biting the inside of his cheek. “No.”
Regect let out a soft sigh, slowly pulling back, but Ze grabbed his hand wrist tightly. “No–”
Both of them froze, and Ze tensed up, quickly letting go. “Sorry.”
“No, dude, don’t.” Regect settled his arms around him again, his hands resting lightly against the waistband of his boxers. “It’s fine. I’ll stay here.” He closed his eyes, his thumb tracing soft, slow circles under Ze’s naval.
They didn’t say anything for a moment, Ze just allowing Regect to hold him, to kiss him, to dream of a world where Ze didn’t have to die. The thought made Ze’s throat tighten again, and he just bit his lip, trying to will it not to start trembling again. After a few more minutes, Regect sat up a little. “Let’s get your pants on, at least.” He said quietly. “Are you not freezing?”
Ze scoffed quietly, closing his eyes. “No. You’re like a fucking furnace.” Regect grinned a little, moving and flopping back to lay down, Ze on top of him. “Well, your wings are like that too, y’know. I bet they make for a great blanket.”
Ze hummed slightly, draping his wings over both of them. “Sometimes. But they’re really annoying too. When it’s hot out I feel like I’m dying.” He huffed. Regect snickered, resting his hand over Ze’s on the bed where it rested by his hip. “I bet.” He replied simply, looking over Ze’s face. Ze just closed his eyes, resting his face against Regect’s fur. “I don’t wanna move ever again.” He muttered tiredly.
“Well, you still gotta finish getting dressed,” Regect noted, sighing. “And get those wrapped up still.” He traced his claw lightly along Ze’s inner elbow, not touching any cuts, but close. Ze jumped slightly, but shook his head. “No, it’s fine… I don’t usually wrap them up or anything. The Daemon does that stuff, but… it’s not that important.”
“What if they get infected?”
Ze just shrugged a little. “I never notice if they do.” Regect groaned, sitting up and taking Ze with him. “You’re so stupid sometimes.” He complained, shifting Ze to sit sideways so he could help him shimmy his sweatpants on. “But fine. Seriously though, in the morning dude you’ve gotta shower and stuff.” The other just sighed, shifting when needed to help get his pants on, and otherwise just sitting there, his head against Regect’s shoulder. “Fine. Whatever.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “Why do you care all of a sudden? I feel like there were millions of times before this you could have said something and you just didn’t. So…” He took a shaky breath. “Why now?”
Pre-existing survivor’s guilt? Like he knew Ze would die?
“Because things are fucking different now, idiot. God, you think I want you to fucking die now, even after everything? Do you think that relationships just never evolve or something?”
Ze just closed his eyes, his wings moving to hide his face instinctively, but Regect rested his hands over them to stop them. “No, Ze. I’m tired of you hiding this shit from me.”
“Don’t,” Ze managed to get out, his stomach lurching. “I’m going t-to fucking puke everywhere if you don’t stop–”
“Okay and? It’d be gross as fuck so don’t, but I’ve been through worse.”
“Ugh…”
Regect just opted to hold him close again, one hand in his hair and the other on his back between his wings. “Just get some sleep. We’ll talk more in the morning.”
Ze’s eyes fluttered closed, a few more tears sliding down his cheeks and wetting Regect’s fur further. “You’re so annoying.”
“Yeah, so are you. Fucking pain in the ass.”