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Celestia’s phone buzzed, and she reached a hoof to grab it.
“Really, sister? We share scant time together due to our duties, and you want to play on your phone while we dine?”
“I’m expecting a notification for our retirement plan.” She scooted out her chair and stood. “Looks like it’s time.”
“Ah. Well then. Give Twilight my regards on her ascension to alicornhood. I must get to court in a few minutes.”
Celestia nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow, sister.” With a flash of her horn, she entered liminal space. “Congratulations, Twilight.” She stepped through the lacunar mists towards Twilight’s form. “I knew you could…”
Lyra turned at her voice. "Hey. Did I die? This doesn't look like Valhalla. Is this Niflheim? Aw man, mom's gonna be so disappointed."
"You're not Twilight."
Lyra holds out a hoof. "Hi! I'm Lyra! You're Celestia, right? I didn't know you also ruled Niflheim. What happened to Hel?"
Hesitantly bumps the hoof. "This isn't Niflheim. You're not Twilight."
"Huh. So I did make it to Valhalla. Neat. Where's everyone else? Isn't there supposed to be feasting? Oh, and do I have to fight in the battle against Jormungandr? I'm not much of a fighter actually. Not really sure how I got here."
"Lyra, you said?"
Lyra nodded. "Lyra Heartstrings. Aw damn, I just realized. Bon Bon's gonna be hella upset. Hey, do you think I could go back and haunt her? Not to like be mean or anything. Just like, hang out and make stuff happen. Love letters from beyond the grave. Moaning plumbing to spook her once in a while, keep her on her toes. I mean, only if she like forgets to put flowers on my grave or something. That kinda thing."
"I'm afraid this isn't Valhalla either."
"Well heck. Which of the nine realms did I end up in?"
"I'm actually more interested in how you got here. What's the last thing you remember doing?"
"Oh, I was trying out this new spell. I couldn't get it to work so I changed a few things and blammo! Here I am. Guess I exploded myself or something. Didn't feel a thing."
Celestia approached, circling Lyra, and Lyra spun slowly, tracking her. She reached out.
Lyra jumped back. "Hey! Hooves off the wings. I just got them. They're still kinda sore. Actually, I was gonna ask about--"
"Where did you get this spell?"
"Uhhhh..." She ducked her head down, rubbing the back of her mane. "I just kinda found it. In the library! I found it in a library book."
"Ponyville?"
"Yeah. How'd you guess?"
"I expected Twilight would complete the spell. This... this changes my plans a bit."
"You wanted Twilight to complete a spell that decreases libido? Um... I don't mind, but you might be getting into TMI territory there. Your call."
“The spell on the last page of Starswirl’s journal?”
“Ohhhh. No. This was back a few pages. He was talking about a spell to help him focus on his study. It didn’t actually have the full matrix, but there was a note in the margin. Said something like, I have discovered a truly remarkable matrix of this spell which this margin is too small to contain. And it wasn't for lack of trying. He was running out of space when he wrote that. I just copied it out and filled in the blanks. And reversed the polarity. Bon Bon's probably going wild trying to find me right now, if she hasn't just given up and uh... well, you know."
Lyra glanced around the barren, capacious void to see if anyone was listening, then leaned to Celestia, cupping her hoof to her mouth. “She’s probably really horny because I cast the spell on her.”
Celestia’s phone buzzed again. She didn’t need to check what it was, as a radiant mote grew in the distance, slowly taking shape. “Oh good. You didn’t ruin my plans. Alright, well. I need you to hide for a bit. Until I can get rid of Twilight. Then we’ll figure out what to do with you.”
Lyra spun a slow circle, scanning the vast, open area.
“Oh just stand behind me and don’t let her see you.”
“Got it.” Lyra hustled to the side of Celestia opposite the expanding light, just as it finished forming.
Twilight called out, “Hello? Where am I? What is this place.”
———
With Twilight dealt with, Celestia turned to Lyra. “Now—”
“Do I get a song?”
Celestia wrinkled her brow. “You’re not my student.”
“Hey! I am too. I attended your school for gifted unicorns.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow, questioningly. “I don’t remember you.”
“Unlike some students, I didn’t need your personal tutoring to keep up with the curriculum. Twilight’s great and all, and I don’t normally brag about how well I did in school, but I did ascend before Twilight.”
“I’m afraid I didn’t prepare a song for you.”
“Oh, that’s okay. I can teach you some dirty limericks and you can recite those. That’s like, even better.”
Celestia sighed. “I suppose it’s been long enough since the last alicorn of ribaldry that this was inevitable.”
“That’s the spirit! Alright, the first one goes like this…”
— Fin