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When Edgeworth buys groceries and the line is particularly long, he picks up tabloids off the magazine rack and thumbs through them to pass the time. Sometimes, he learns nifty fun facts about his favorite celebrities (all of whom are involved with the Steel Samurai etc.). Sometimes, he sees a recipe that piques his interest. This habit of his had led him to subscribe to one or two magazines like Southern Home or The New Yorker. More often than not, he just collects them at his house rather than read them.
Pess likes to chew on them sometimes. Edgeworth does not like this habit.
Today, Edgeworth was standing in line at the grocery store. He was buying milk and a bag of dog food before heading home. It had been quite the week, and Phoenix Wright was angry at him for some comment that he made. It was all very frustrating, really.
A lot of things would be easier if Edgeworth could just take whatever relationship they had forward. He wanted to be more than friends, and well… he wasn’t really sure about Wright’s feelings on the subject. What if he wasn’t interested? What if Edgeworth was giving off all the wrong signals? He sighed. He could use some advice on the subject.
As the line moved, he picked up a magazine at random and started to thumb through the pages. He looked up for a moment, nope, no other cash registers had opened. Fine. He went back to his recreational reading.
How to Keep Your Man from Leaving You: Seven Easy Methods to Tie Him to You
Oh? What was this? Edgeworth failed to look at the title of his magazine (Cosmo), and instead, tossed it into his checkout pile. Maybe this could be helpful.
Step one: Talk to men about men
Edgeworth phoned Maya Fey because actually following this advice meant calling Larry, and the last thing Edgeworth wanted to do was call Larry Butz. There was no way he would call Larry Butz. So instead, he would ignore that and call Maya.
“Hello?”
“Miss Fey, this is Edgeworth speaking.”
“Oh. Hey, Mr. Edgeworth? What’s up?”
“I… need to speak with you about Wright.”
“Shoot. Is he sick? Nick didn’t follow my advice about eating leftovers, did he?”
Edgeworth paused. That didn’t sound very good, but was unrelated to the matter at hand. “Miss Fey, I’ve taken it upon myself to go after Wright more directly. I would like your advice on this matter.”
Maya made an unintelligible sound followed by screaming then shouting. Edgeworth swore he could hear Pearl in the background trying to calm her cousin down. After about five minutes of hoopla, Maya returned to the phone. “Sorry, Mr. Edgeworth. I just got a little excited. I never thought this day would come. Well, if you want my solid advice, you should just tell him straight.”
Edgeworth sighed, doing that fell on the list of things he didn’t want to do, but slightly above calling Larry. He’d think about it.
Step two: Compliment him
Step three: Don’t change him
“Wright, your sweatpants look… divine.”
“Excuse me?”
Instead of listening to Maya, Edgeworth thought that he should see the article’s advice to the end. Maybe it would yield results, and then he wouldn’t have to revisit what Maya told him to do. Edgeworth had come unannounced to Phoenix’s apartment on a Saturday and because it was a Saturday, Phoenix was in his lounge clothes.
Edgeworth had offered multiple times to go shopping for something new, but each and every time Phoenix had diligently refused. Edgeworth hated those clothes and was just itching for an opportunity to burn them when no one was looking.
Today though, he was following a teen magazine’s article. “I think your… choice in clothes is valid and very suitable. I apologize for any of the times I may have tried to impose… new standards on you.”
Phoenix stared, aghast. Was this Miles Edgeworth? Was he possessed? Phoenix was going to have to call Maya. He wasn’t sure but maybe she could perform an exorcism. Good thing that Trucy was out of the house. He wondered if Jinxie’s family knew of any ways to get rid of ghosts…
Edgeworth was alarmed at the lack of response so he kept going, choosing to take it favorably rather than sink into panic and despair. “And you know, your spiky hair really suits you with your… beard scruff.” Oh, he was struggling.
“Edgeworth, you hate my clothes and my fashion sense. In fact, I’m well aware you only like my suit for court because you bought it.”
“I’m learning to be more supportive of alternative lifestyles.”
Phoenix was going to need to call Maya immediately.
Step four: Do what he likes
Step five: Keep it fresh and exciting
It turns out that phoning Maya was going to have to wait because Miles Edgeworth had actually come to Wright’s with a plan. After carefully complimenting Wright and sadly encouraging him not to change, Edgeworth moved onto steps four and five.
“Wright, I know how much you like cleaning the agency’s toilet. Miss Cykes informed me of this habit of yours, one that she also told me you had been sharing with your apprentices as of late. So, in that vein, I am spontaneously taking you to a hardware store. We can examine the new models of plumbing at your leisure.”
Phoenix Wright was nothing short of horrified.
Step six: Give him space
At the end of their excursion, Edgeworth dropped Phoenix back off at his apartment wishing him well and hoping that he had a lovely time.
Phoenix smiled and nodded but internally he was screaming. Something was wrong with Edgeworth.
With that curt goodbye, Edgeworth drove away. He needed to give him space so as not to appear clingy. Edgeworth gave Wright lots of space, so this was easy. There was so much space that galaxies could fit between them.
But Edgeworth was certain that this was the key to getting Phoenix to hop into and hopefully stay in his orbit.
These space metaphors were kind of catchy.
Step Seven: Get pregnant
Following something blindly meant not questioning what it was asking you to do. Though Edgeworth found step seven a little odd, testimonials to this article seemed reassuring. Many readers had submitted their experience the first time this article had been published. Even if they weren’t pregnant, it seemed to work. Or at least, lead to a meaningful conversation.
There were a couple of kinks in this strategy… one that Edgeworth was male… and two that they haven’t had sex. The latter was more of a problem than the former but Edgeworth at this point, was out of his mind and desperate to try anything. It had been two days and Wright still hadn’t leapt into his arms so there wasn’t much to lose.
He drove over to the agency, entered and was greeted with the sight of Phoenix sitting on his couch reading something. There was some questionable water and a crucifix sitting on the table.
Before Phoenix could say anything, Edgeworth began, "Wright, I have discovered that I am pregnant with your child."
Athena looked up from her place on the piano bench confused. Widget spoke, "... But you're a guy...aren't you?"
Phoenix stood up and threw water on the Chief Prosecutor of L.A. “BEGONE, DEMONS.”
“… Wright, what are you doing?”
“I am trying to save you from whatever has taken over you mind. Maya told me it was Cosmo or something. Sounded dangerous but she refused to help. This is me taking matters into my own hands. Did it work?”
“Wright. I am merely trying to get you to ask me on a date.” Edgeworth was glaring but the tips of his ears were turning slightly red.
Phoenix sat back down. “Oh… well when you say that, I guess Maya makes sense. Oh!” The realization dawned on him. “Shoot. Of course. Yes. Edgeworth—Miles, let’s go on a date. But after we get you dried up.” Phoenix went over to Edgeworth escorting him to the bathroom. He whispered to Edgeworth, “And let’s work on making that baby too.”
Edgeworth smacked him trying to hide the fact that he was actually quite pleased with the result. He’d have to submit a testimonial to the magazine.
“Pleased with the advice of this article as I have secured a man. In addition, I found step seven particularly effective though it led to an exorcism. Three stars. –E”