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Jim leaned onto Spock’s shoulder. He couldn’t help it--Spock would never stop him for one reason and for another, he was just so tired. His legs screamed with the miles he’d run, and his eyes drooped.
“”Ooh!” Uhura hissed from the other side on the aisle. Jim was too tired to notice it happening, slipping into a nice sleep, but Spock wasn’t so lucky; his ears burned and he almost pushed Jim off.
“Shut up!” he muttered, looking around nervously. Behind him, Sulu giggled.
“Everyone know you have the hots for Kirk, man,” he said easily as Jim snored lightly on Spock’s shoulder. Chekov, the adorable freshman, hopped cheerfully down the bus aisle from a few seats back.
“I do believe that is true sir!” he said excitedly. Nyota snorted. Jim continued to snore.
“Jim doesn’t know and he can never.” Spock said finally staring down at Jim, imagining the look of utter revulsion on the angel’s face if he was honest about how he was hiding this thing for the past three years--years spent with long hugs and falling asleep together, safe at last. It wasn’t right. He wasn’t right. Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov exchanged a look. But Spock wouldn’t meet their eyes.
The team didn’t mention it again.
~
The next day, Spock was acting strange. Jim didn’t want to notice. Not when Spock wasn’t at their locker or when he was short with Sulu in chem class after being called out for, like, not talking to Jim or looking at Jim a single time.
“Whats up his ass?” Sulu, who suspected he knew what was up Spock’s ass, whispered to Jim, who was pointedly staring ahead after getting a short and terse ”Jim” when he’d greeted Spock.
“Why the fuck should I know,” Jim hissed, pressing his pencil so hard onto the desk that it snapped.
“Sorry I asked,” Sulu said, making a damn face at uhura.
~
“Hey! Hey, man--oh my god wait up I’m not as fast as you,” Sulu shouted, running as fast as he fucking could, which was pretty fast. Fucking Spock.
“What do you want, Sulu?” Spock said icily.
“Now see that's exactly why I'm here! You’re being a fucking dick, especially to Jim--who, by the way was crying over it and pretending not to,” Sulu said, glad they were far enough away on the route that there was no way for anyone to hear him.
“I am...” Spock paused and sat on the grass. Sulu rolled his eyes and sat next to him. “Embarrassed,” he finished at last.
“By what? He was sleeping,” Sulu said. Spock laughed but it sounded like he was just about to cry.
“I had a dream and...I've had them before but it's like this time, I can't...I can't think of anything else when I look at him. And I feel dirty.” He wiped away the solitary tear before it got far down his cheek. Sulu let out a long breath.
“You know I'm gay, right.” Then: “And Nyota is pan, and chekov is bi.” Spock stared determinedly at the ground.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said, moving to get up, but Sulu grabbed his arm. He could have broken free, but he didn't want to be any more of a dick than he was already being.
“‘We’ve all been there. Well, not Chekov, I don't think, and I’m not sure about Nyota.”
“So you mean you've been there,” Spock said with a little smile in his voice.
“”Yeah, man. Now, come on. If we sit here much longer, they'll catch up to us. Let’s blow off practic.”
Spock raised an eyebrow at him. “Is that safe?”
Sulu laughed. “It’s practice, Spock It’s one time. Trust me, you aren’t going to be banned from the team.”
Spock followed Sulu hesitantly. “How did I not know any of you are…”
“Queer? You know, we haven't really hung out much. You and Jim are so impenetrable.”
~
“Jim, come on, hold up.” Nyota finally spotted him as he was about to leave practice.. They hadn’t seen Sulu or Spock since the beginning of the run, but the coach had waved their worry off. Nyota had also received a text from Sulu telling her he was “dealing with the grump” and that she “was welcome to take on the sad.”
“Nyota, I just want to go home and curl up with some tea and cartoons,” Jim said.
“No, nope, i am not here for a James Tiberius Kirk pity party.”
Jim groaned. He was never going to have accept her company. He was just going to have to.
“Fine. Pizza?” he said. Hopefully he’d get at least something out of socialisation with someone who he was friends with in that if-we’re-in-class-without-anyone-else/did-you do-the-hw-kind-of-way, not in a hang-out-and-play-videogames-or-watch-tv-and-get-drunk way.
“Fine, but only because you're a giant baby.”
~
“So,” Nyota said, grabbing her seventh slice of meat lover’s pizza, “Why won't you tell Spock you're in love with him?” Jim had sort of been expecting it at this point, so he just kind of slowly set down his pizza.
“We’re there now? We’ve arrived?” he said with the faint hope that the answer would be no. He would have denied it but Nyota was both a very scientific and a very feeling person all at the same time which put her at an advantage to Jim who was, in his opinion, awkward and stupid.
“Yep, so what’s the deal?” She scooted a little closer to Jim. They were in his front room, which was nice enough to know he could have anything he needed and some of what he wanted too, but not like rich af nice. Big comfortable couches and an amazing media center.
“It’s not like that for him. Or, if it is, he doesn’t want it to be, I don’t think. And he’s my best friend! We can’t end that because…”
“Because?” Nyota prompted, being just a little bit of a shit also.
“Because...because I’m completely in love with him and he’s. He just. He stands there and..gAH!”
Nyota really wished she’d been there to intervene when Jim and Spock had started this nonsense. “You can’t tell him because he just stands there?” she said, like it was the stupidest proclamation she had ever heard in her life. It might have been.
“He stands there and he’s perfect and I’m nothing and I don’t know why we’re best friends and before I noticed I wanted to kiss him it was so much fucking easier and it made more sense and I still felt way too lucky and please just shut me up I am literally going to put a sock in my mouth,” Jim said looking around frantically and settling for stuffing a sock in his mouth, folding his arms, and glaring at Nyota. She’d got him on such a day and mood and he hadn’t even really hung out with her before but, there it was, the fairly complete summary.
“He’s not better than you, Jim,” Nyota said after a considerable pause. Jim snorted around his pillow. “He’s really not. And on the off chance that he isn’t also in love with you, he won’t abandon you because of this.” But Jim didn’t believe her.
~
“Is this what people… do?” Spock said, hesitantly picking up the bowling ball. Sulu laughed and shook his head.
“It’s not a very popular way to pass time, if we’re being honest, but you’ve never done it so you wouldn’t say no,” Sulu said. Spock looked at him for a few seconds, head tilted with confusion.
“You took me here because I didn’t know any better,” Spock said, half-hurt but also half-impressed. Sulu shrugged.
“Sure, if you want to look at it like that.” He whooped when he knocked over half the pins.
“Was that good?”
Sulu shrugged again. “Eh, sure, why not."
“So why are we here instead of at practice again?” Spock sat down on the chair a little grumpily and, Sulu, rolling his eyes, dropped into the seat next to him. looking around at the fun space patterns and mostly empty space. It was about five--and a Tuesday--not prime bowling time. If there was such a thing.
“Okay, first of all, it’s over. sSo you can let that one go,” Sulu said, standing up with a shake of his head. “Second of all, we can leave and like. Play chess or whatever.” Spock's ears seemed to perk up at the mention and Sulu groaned. “Oh no. I have to do this now, don’t I?” He drooped himself dramatically over the ball return. “But we still have all of these ballsssssss,” he moaned, dragging the s out for a while. Spock just stared at him.
“Or I could just head home,” Spock said easily. Sulu stood up and wrinkled his nose.
“This is why you have one friend,” he muttered, toeing off his shoes with an aura of somewhat faked somewhat for real anger.
“Guess I don’t have to tell you anything, then.”
“What?”
“Oh you know, since you’re not my friend.”
Sulu laughed, head thrown back. “Okay, fine. Two. Because, if you don’t recall”--he started heading to the counter, hopping into his other shoes--“you already admitted as to why the fuck you’ve got a hornets nest up your ass. Now come on.”
~
“Oh come on!” Sulu shouted, “I always win!” He smacked some of the chess pieces off of the board and slumped backward in his chair.
“Well,” his mom said, coming through the front door, “Perhaps that’s because you play against your artsy fartsy family. Who’s this?”
“Spock,” Sulu said, getting up to help his mom with the bags. She looked at him for a few seconds.
“He’s cute,” she said. Spock choked and Sulu laughed.
“In love with his best friend, in a combination of denial and self loathing.”
Mrs. Sulu tutted, making her way into the kitchen. “Well, if I can help with any of that, Spock, you just let me know.” She dropped her bags and turned around to smile at him. “And don’t mind my boy. He shares everything with me. And he likes to try and teach a thing or two about tolerance.” Spock gulped, feeling a little like he was getting several lessons at once.
“Sorry,” Sulu muttered, actually looking really ashamed. His mom shook her head and patted him on the shoulder.
“I’ll be in the art room, boys,” she said with a look toward Sulu.
“I am sorry,” Sulu said, looking up at Spock and catching his eye. “I didn’t mean to just let your personal things out there. I just think it helps.” He looked down and gave a little shrug. “You can leave, if you want.” Spock stared a bit.
“I don’t know why I hate it so much,” he offered finally, still sitting at the chess table. Sulu sat with him.
“Hate what?” Sulu said, trying to mask his excitement and urge to text Uhura about this.
“The… gay,” he said uncomfortably, like he had a lump in his throat trying to stop him from saying it.
“Ah.” Sulu rearranged the chess pieces awkwardly. “Well, um? It’s kind of… fun? I mean the homophobia and whatever that really sucks”--he gave a harsh laugh--“but like. When you just let yourself have that. Have being gay it’s like. It’s just. It’s really nice, you know.” Sulu got back up, fidgeting.
“How do you let yourself..” Spock trailed off. He wouldn’t normally let himself have this conversation. He’d googled it several times--even sent asks on tumblr to gay blogs--but he could never bring himself to click on the answers. That made it real, and for some reason he couldn’t let it be real. Sulu seemed to calm down at the question, at the openness.
“Okay, this is really cliche, but do you want to have some tea and like? Move to the front room?”
Spock gave his little half smile. “I’d like that,”he said, getting up and moving hesitantly after Sulu to the kitchen. Sulu shook his head.
“Go to the couch man, I’ll be right out. What kind of tea would you like?”
“Well what do y--”
“What. kind. Of. Tea?”
“Green jasmine,” Spock said, ears burning a little bit.
“Fuck yeah,” he heard Sulu mutter as he made his way to the couch.
It was an okay front room: pretty standard couch, probably 32 inch tv--but what Spock liked about it was that he could absolutely feel how lived in it was. It wasn’t very dirty--not excessively put together like his house or an absolute mess like Jim’s--but something in between that was comforting to him. It felt easy. Allowed. If he was being entirely honest, it felt extremely loved in. There was genuine happiness in the family pictures, warmth in the way things were draped all over each other, mementos on the walls that weren’t just because their kid was the smartest but things like participation or art projects. It made Spock ache.
“Green jasmine. There's milk in this cute lil saucer, and sugar right here,” Sulu said. Spock made a horrified face. “Or not,” Sulu said, plopping the tray onto the coffee table and then himself onto the couch next to Spock.
“Thank you.” Spock sipped at the tea warily, as if he wasn't entirely convinced it wasn’t poisoned. Sulu made a mental note of it and moved on.
“Look, I don’t really have good advice okay?” he began uncertainly. “I mean, it’s nothing you haven’t seen in a million gay movies and Tumblr posts, so.”
Spock shifted uncomfortably, and sipped his tea again. Sulu made a little o with his mouth.
“You haven’t..”
Spock shook his head. “No,” he said softly, grabbing a pillow and running his hands over it.
“Okay, so, I don’t know where you got all of this from,” Sulu began, “But, first of all, it’s just wrong, okay? Whether it’s the media, your brain, parents, all of the above, or whatever, it’s wrong and you know that it’s wrong. You know you don’t like me or Nyota less because we’re queer as a three dollar bill.” Sulu paused, hoping that he was right.
“I guess not,” Spock said uneasily. Sulu wanted to stab something.
“You don’t and you can’t because you’re gay as fuck and you and Jim have got to pull your heads out of your respective asses because someone in our friend group deserves to get happily ever after okay.”
“Friend group? Happily ever after?” They both felt foreign on his tongue and sounded foreign in his voice.
“You’ll see,” Sulu said. He felt a surge of affection for Spock.
“I want to watch…” Spock didn’t want to finish the sentence but he needed to. And he wanted to. He took a deep gulp of air. “Something… gay?”
Sulu wanted to laugh, but he didn’t think Spock’s confidence was actually that solid. “Dude oh my god okay we’re so going to watch The Wway He Looks and then like, ten million different movies oh my god fucking gay shit,” Sulu said because gay stuff was kinda his thing ever since repressing the fuck out of himself, and was the surest way to get him to cursing land.
“So I guess I'm…staying over?” Spock said. Sulu hadn't really intended this but in the excitement of introducing a baby gay to gay media content he waved his hand and nodded vigorously as he turned on the tv.
~
“I’m not talking to him first,” Jim said. He popped the last oreo of his second row of oreos into his mouth. “He can talk to me like an adult.”
“Okay, first of all,” Nyota said, dunking her oreo in water (like a monster), “We aren’t adults so that's a terrible plan. And second of all that’s also a terrible plan because it’s childish and i think he might outlast you on this one.” Jim put his hand over his heart and gave her an exaggerated hurt expression.
“Why don’t you believe in me, Nyota?” he whined, turning around and throwing his legs over the couch’s back.
“Because you’re the puppy dog and he’s the… not puppy dog.”
Jim guffawed. “Just like that analogy, your bet is going to fall apart when I ignore the crap out of him. Just you wait. I can so ignore the crap out of those perfect eyes and that great butt and--”
“God, please stop talking,” Nyota muttered, looking into her water glass like she wished it was vodka. Jim stuck out his lip.
“Plus,” Jim said, pretending he hadn’t paused to hear her pleas, “I never actually said I would ignore his physique, right? Just, him. So if I drool over him behind his back, it’s not losing.”
“Okay, well, again, for one, that’s kind of creepy no matter how long y’all have been best friends, and, for two, in the interest of your tiny gay heart, I actually suggest that you don’t stare at him longingly until you’re ready to get shit done about it.” Nyota battled with herself for a moment. Did she actually agree her own advice?. At least if Kirk was caught, maybe Spock would get over himself.
“But his ass, Nyota,” Jim flopped the right way around, “is my entire reason to live. No stop rolling your eyes i am being completely and one hundred percent authentic in that statement.
“It’s not that great, Jim,” Nyota said, who was just a little bit concerned after hearing Jim wail about Spock for a few hours that Spock possibly wasn’t ready for James Tiberius Kirk affection.
“It’s beautiful,” Jim said with a far away look in his eye. She sighed, and dunked another oreo. Still in milk, still a monster. She went to reply, then got a buzz from Sulu.
“Did you know that Spock knows brazilian portuguese?” She said with a raised eyebrow. Kirk rolled his eyes and nodded. “What the fuck,” Nyota said. Then something registered on Kirks face and he went a little green.
“They’re watching the way he looks,” Jim said with horror, “why are they watching the way he looks?” Nyota furrowed her brow in confusion. “It’s so gay…” he whispered staring off dramatically and clutching his pillow. Nyota rolled her eyes.
“That’s a good sign you need,” Nyota said, “Sulu is kind of like the gay whisperer. Like he would never call himself that because he doesn’t see it and it’s kind of a ridiculous description but he went through some shit in middle school and then became this like, strong gay icon around school i don’t know it was weird,” she finished with a shrug.
“Spock’s not gay?” Kirk said, a small hopeful uncertainty at the end of his first confident sentence. Uhura raised an eyebrow.
“Are you sure about that?” Kirk opened his mouth. Closed his mouth. Opened his mouth. Closed his mouth. “That’s what I thought.” Uhura hesitated.
“Have something else you wanna get off your chest there Notes?”
“Notes?”
“Answer the question, notes.”
“When did you know? Like, how’d it happen?” Nyota said, a touch uncomfortably.
“We’re there already,” Kirk said,” uh? I don’t. Always? Just being around him so much, and being so drawn to him all the time, and then one day I.” Kirk swallowed. “I almost kissed him in the tree house when we were in eighth grade.”
“What? What happened?” Kirk rolled his eyes.
“Nothing? Obviously? He got distracted and moved his face and i realized what my dumbass had been about to do and made some excuse and ran home.” Nyota typed something into her phone, nodding sympathetically.
~
“So you’ve never really suspected that Jim likes you? He’s never done anything, ever, that seemed to indicate it was the romos?” Sulu said, pocketing his phone and trying to conceal his smile as Spock glanced up and down from the tv every few seconds, like he was unsure if he was allowed to look at the screen.
“The romos?” Spock said, disbelieving. Sulu threw a few kernels of popcorn at him.
“It’s gay movie night with my new friend i can speak how i want stop attacking me,” Sulu said, shoving an entire handful of popcorn into his mouth at the end of his sentence, “now answer the question, Spock As.” Spock looked suddenly very tired, as if he was aged by the very nickname. Or maybe the question.
“No,” Spock said, mind flashing briefly to the day in the tree house, “never,” he said sadly, so sadly that Sulu bought it for the truth.
The weekend passed. Spock didn’t text Kirk first, and Kirk didn’t text spock first either. The first could sometimes happen by itself, but the second one had Spock quite convinced he had somehow managed to ruin an entire friendship by having one awkward dream turned very south when he couldn’t just forget about it again.
Monday was awkward. No one on the team would really make eye contact. At first Pike just rolled his eyes at them and let it go. But by the end when Chekov looked like a dog left out in the rain, owner’s full of neglect, he stepped in.
“Okay I don't know what’s going on,” he lied, knowing full well what was going on as he had eyes and also ears and high schoolers sucked at secrets, “but clearly we need to do some bonding. I’ve had to do this before, and to be honest I’ve been wanting to do it anyway, so we’re going on a camping trip this weekend. Which i know you can all make because we had extra practices scheduled.”
“Checkmate assholes,” Uhura muttered with a smiled, looking at Jim and Spock who were both shifting awkwardly.
“This’ll be fun,” Sulu said, leaning into Uhura’s shoulder and smiling. Uhura looked at him and smiled back.
“We really should hang out with them even more you know,” She said, “I don’t think they’ve ever really had a friend outside of each other.” Sulu nodded, hooking his arm through Uhura’s and starting to walk off with her.
“You should have seen Spock get exposed to queer stuff,” he said, somewhat longingly, “it was so cute i'm sorry that i deprived Jim of that.” Uhura laughed.
“He is not going to be pleased about that I don’t think,” She said, “but at least there’s no way you could have possibly shown him all of James Tiberius Kirk’s queer media faves. He has. So. Many.” sulu nodded, smirking.
“I have no idea how they’ve managed to skirt around this subject for their entire friendship while simultaneously being the gayest for each other that I’ve ever seen in my life,” Sulu said, looking behind them to see if any of the rest of the track team was still in site. Kirk and Spock were very awkwardly standing next to each other, Spock staring at the ground and Kirk looking at Spock with a mixture of love and frustration.
“Right? God, look at them i swear if they aren’t friends by this weekend I’m going to lose my shit,” Nyota said, shaking her head as she buckled her seat belt. She made a face at the floor. Sulu didn’t have any idea how to take care of his car and it really, really got to Nyota.
“If it bothers you that much, just fix it yourself,” he said, scooping up some of the stuff that was collecting on the center console and throwing it into the back seat.
“Look, they’re heading away in the same direction! Balance may be restored!”
~
Balance was not restored. Their friendship was restored, but it was very off kilter and it was going to kill them. Or at least that’s how Jim’s traumatic brain saw it. Spock, used to a little bit more internal screaming than Jim, wasn’t entirely convinced it wasn’t all in his head. Maybe they’d always talked like this.
“So do you want to uh, come over?” Jim asked. They hadn’t spoken about Spock’s mood, about how neither of them had contacted each other at all, not on snap, not on tumblr. Jim hadn’t even tagged anything in Spock’s tag on his tumblr this weekend. Spock had noticed.
“I have a paper,” Spock said. Jim gulped. “But that can wait,” he added, unable to help himself. Jim smiled and patted Spock’s arm a few times.
“Hell yeah!” He said, a little spring in his step again. Jim lived a few blocks from the school, and had been subtly heading that way anyways. Spock lived on the other side of their small town, close enough in its smallness that it was both reasonable to use the distance as an excuse for going over and not going over, depending on the mood.
“What would you like to do, Jim?” Spock said, smiling at the ground. He’d missed saying Jim’s name, feeling the heat and the rightness from standing at Jim’s side.
“I don’t know,” he said. Spock turned his head to look at him. He smirked.
“You know what you want to do don’t you?”
“Listen…”
“I’m listening.” Jim laughed, loud, big and free. Spock’s insides felt like they got engulfed in flames at the sound.
“Okay so,” Jim began, nervously twisting his hands together, “i know that Sulu showed you some good gay content and you apparently enjoyed it for some reason.” Spock didn’t take the bait and say why he’d enjoyed it, “so i was thinking glee?”
“I’ve always wanted to watch glee,” Spock said, so quietly that Jim almost missed it. He didn’t though, because he rarely missed anything Spock did. He knocked his shoulder onto Spock's as they turned the corner onto his street.
“So, first of all, there isn’t any gay relationship stuff until season two because glee hates us,” Jim began.
“Seems logical,” Spock interjected to get a roll of the eyes from Jim.
“Second of all most people think that the quality dramatically decreases after season three but I,” Jim said, rummaging in his pants for his keys. Spock pointedly looked away, “think that it gets kind of extra amazing. Like there’s a whole episode where Blaine is the head of a superhero group at the school and it’s kind of the greatest thing ever.”
“Whatever you say,” Spock said, following Jim to the haphazard front room and throwing his backpack down. He settled a little further away from Jim than he normally would. Jim pretended he didn’t notice.
~
The rest of the week was a lot like that. They were back to talking, but their tags on each others blogs where non existent. They touched only when they forgot they were trying not to. Uhura and Sulu became closer friends with them, hanging out at their glee sessions after a almost in tears Jim had insisted that they be in the middle of this. According to him, it was their fault anyways. They weren’t really sure where he go that from, but they didn’t argue.
Then, of course, friday and the camping trip came.
Jim sat by Sulu. This was the first of a series of strange decisions made on the camping trip. Sulu turned to where Uhura was sitting, three rows back and on the other side and mouthed a what the fuck. Jim and Spock had been watching Glee together, talking in class, come on this was Good.
“All right,” Pike said, surveying the bus with a little smile on his face, “so all of the tents are set a bit apart, with a common area. We’ll be going on pairs of hikes, and sleeping two to a tent, and I’ve picked the teams. First, of course, are spock and jim and then we’ve got…” but Jim had zoned out, heart beating faster. He’d hoped that Sulu would bunk with him, save him the embarrassment of sleeping with, by, Spock.
He’d been lucky to get as much of Spock as he still had. He couldn’t fuck this up more. It was clear he had been doing things wrong, that he was wrong, that Spock had figured him out and was trying to come to terms with it.
He was staring out the window, trying not to cry like a fucking baby. God, he’d not cried this much since he was probably five years old. It was dramatic and it was stupid and he felt so fucking stupid he wanted to dunk his head in a vat of boiling oil for all the feelings that he was having, for all the worthless that he was.
“Dude,” Sulu said, nudging him a little bit when Pike had finished talking and the bus had gotten rowdy, “are you okay?” Jim gulped, blinked his eyes rapidly many times, stared at the rolling fields of grass outside for a few seconds, turned and didn’t look anything like he wanted to.
“Dude,” Jim said, the smallest amusement in his voice, “will you believe me if i tell you that i am?” Sulu leaned his body onto Jim’s shoulder, a firm comfort for him.
“No,” he said, still looking at Jim. Jim felt trapped, and he wanted to leave, but the only thing worse than Sulu’s study gazing was making a big deal of this moment and trying to leave it.
“Then why are you asking?” Jim said, a little sourly, feeling the panic choking him and trying to swallow it. Sulu leaned away.
“Jim,” he said, unsure, “it’s okay,” he finished finally. Jim turned, to look at him for once. Something about Sulu. It was strong and comforting and you couldn’t help but believe anything he said. He’d often made up words with such confidence when playing with new friends that even if they questioned it, it never made it to dictionary checking. He was just too sure, and too quick. Nobody knew how hard it had been, and still was, for him to be at that point of confidence and ease and wit. He had a role, and he played it well.
Jim didn’t answer, but he smiled and leaned his head onto Sulu’s shoulder.
~
“Look at them!” Spock hissed, pointing furiously at Sulu and Jim, who were curled up on each other sleeping. Nyota followed his finger and rolled her eyes.
“So?” She baited. Spock waved his arm a few more times and made a frustrated noise, then turned to her with a look more fire than she had ever seen on his usually calm face.
“You know perfectly well what I am talking about Nyota,” he said, exhaling and all of his fire seeming to go with him. If she were being honest, Nyota was a little bit disappointed with how fast Spock was put out. A scene on the bus would have been a very interesting way to go, and more importantly would have saved them however long they were planning on dancing around the real reason things had been off kilter for a week and a half.
“Yeah but i want you to say it,” She said, ever the shit.
“They’re rather close now aren’t they?” Spock said. Uhura opened her mouth to tell him to answer her question before she realized, feeling a bit dumb with not realizing it from his first statement, that he just had.
“Spock we know they aren’t…” Nyota felt a stab of panic. What if they were? What if they had given up on Spock and decided that as two self accepting gays, it would be better if they were together? It just looked so wrong. Sulu and Jim, like that, it didn’t make any sense. Nyota had taken Jim and Spock as a sign of rightness, which maybe was putting a little much on them but still, she knew Spock’s heart, and she didn’t understand how Jim could-
But that was getting ahead of themselves.
“Do we?” Spock said icily, pulling his knees up to his chin like a child, then making a face of discomfort and putting them back.
“We better,” Uhura said, pulling out her phone and furiously typing out a text to Sulu.
~
Sulu didn’t pull out his phone until they were off the bus and in a “orientation circle” (“my orientation is a circle” he heard one of the underclassmen mutter). He was greeted by a string of pleas to not take James tiberius Kirk away from the one and only Spock.
“Are you for real, uhura?” He muttered as he stepped away from Jim and to her side.
“Look, I don’t even know if we have it right, but to just swoop in when these boys are clearly going through something has not only already hurt Spock but c-”
“Woman, what the fuck are you on? I’m not into James Tiberius Kirk. God, when did we get so… I don’t even know the word for this but I feel less queer just hearing you talk about this,” Sulu interrupted, voice quiet but forceful.
“You’re right,” Uhura said, rubbing her arms, an embarrassed habit, “did you just call me woman?” she continued after a moment, feeling the itch to punch sulu for it. She ignored the itch.
“I don’t know where that came from and I would really like your forgiveness. Now, let’s set up this tent.”
“As far away or close to the loverboys as possible?” uhura questioned. Sulu made a conflicted face.
“Close to. But they better not let me live to regret that.”
“You and Sulu seem,” Spock hit the peg with a bit more force than was probably necessary, “close,” he finished, looking up to stare Jim down. Jim wrinkled his nose, making a wtf face.
“I used to fall asleep on your shoulder all the time Spock,” Jim reminded him softly, closing his eyes and internally cursing himself for the use of “used to.”
“Used to,” Spock said. Of course he had to grab onto that. Jim couldn’t have one moment of goddamn peace.
“Yeah well, even now that we’re talking more again you’re… different with me,” Jim said and then, because he couldn't help himself any longer, because this was the longest he’d gone in his life without addressing something (pinning aside), “is it because you found out I’m gay?” It was funny, Spock thought, how they were surrounded by all these trees and yet all the air seemed to be sucked out of the forest.
“I didn’t find that out, actually.”
“Oh. Well. Now you have.”
“Now I have.”
“You don’t have to bunk with me anymore if you,” Jim wiped a tear off his face and shut his eyes, “if you don’t want to. I think that Sulu might switch, once the coach goes to bed.” Spock didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t know what to think. Jim didn’t sound like he was eager to sleep with Sulu, but that might have just been the coming out of it all.
“No I. Jim you don’t have to go anywhere.” tell him you're gay tell him you're gay tell him you're gay. “I’d like to have you, unless you don’t want to be here.” Damn it.
“Okay,” Jim said, opening his eyes and smiling at Spock. Spock wanted to reach out, he needed to reach out. He couldn’t reach out. He cleared his throat.
“Can you hand me that?” he said, instead of anything that would have meant something. Jim needed to ask why he had been so weird then, but just like Spock, he couldn’t. He handed Spock the next pole thing for the tent.
“So uh, who’s your favorite in glee?” Spock smiled, looked up at Jim, right in the eyes.
“Mr. Schuester,” he said, a challenge. Jim gaped for a few seconds.
“You absolutely can't fucking be serious. Oh my god Spock you cannot be serious. There’s no world where you can seriously like Mr. Scheuster the most.” Spock laughed, corners of his eyes crinkling and stabbing Jim right in the heart.
“Oh you know he’s just so. Kind and considerate of all the kids feelings and just such a supportive and handsome man,” Spock said, laughter wrapping around the words.
“Oh yeah I love the way he just takes into consideration why Kurt is the way he is and wants to do what he wants and how respectful he is of other cultures, always ready to listen and change his ways.”
“Exactly.”
“For real, Spock, come on who’s your favorite?” Spock rubbed his nose and looked back to Jim, soft smile on his face.
“Kurt,” he said, and for some reason it felt like it meant something.
“Me too,” Jim said quietly. They launched into a discussion of the episodes Spock had already seen, and it was closer to equilibrium than it had been for a while.
~
“Come on it’s s'mores o’clock!” Nyota said loudly, hopping around the camp to see what incompetent fools needed her help setting up. She, apparently, went camping quite a lot (“do it for the stars”). Spock had a very practical understanding of camping, but they had still managed to make mangled mess of their tent.
“S'mores are disgusting,” Sulu said, following after her prancing with a wrinkled nose.
“Excuse me?” Chekov said, one of the few who hadn’t needed Uhura’s help (“tents were invented in russia!”).
“I’m not convinced that most people who like marshmallows really do,” Sulu continued, unbothered by the glares, “they’re sickening. Gooey and just… bad.”
“I don’t know that we can be friends anymore,” Jim said, he and Spock having looked up and grinned at each other at the promise of marshmallows.
“I like rice crispy treats, if it helps, Kirk,” Sulu said with a smile. Kirk scoffed, which gave Spock a petty feeling of victory.
“Of course you do. You’re a human being.”
“Don’t worry Sulu,” Nyota said, rolling her eyes, “I brought some of those too, because I actually pay attention to other people,” she shot a look at Jim and Spock, who felt a bit chastised. They had, after all, been on the same team for the past three years yet somehow managed to know very little about everyone else.
“I never knew I was going to be dragged so much for being a shy loner,” Spock whispered. Nyota’s hearing was better than letting that go.
“Oh my god did you just say dragged? But anyways i’m not buying it also we might want to tread a little lighter on this path.”
“What path?”
“The literal path you guys I just saw a tiny little lizard and I almost stepped on it can you imagine.. Just going about your business in the forest and some giant steps on you.”
“I think they might be used to it by now,” Scotty, the Scottish exchange student, piped up. Nyota made a horrified face at him and clicked on her flashlight with an oomph.
“That’s no excuse. Now come on let’s get to the campfire.”
~
“This seat taken?” Jim said with a little grin, pointing to the fold out chair next to Spock at the fire pit. He’d gotten his meal slowly, Pike reluctantly was extremely fond of his stars and had brought quite a feast, chatting with everyone with ease. It shocked him, how at his hello’s they’d went along with it like he had opened up many conversations before. He felt a little guilty for keeping so to himself. Pike even had told him as he watched them all interact that he’d make a good captain if he got balanced out. Kirk didn’t bother to ask what he meant by that.
“Never,” Spock said, then with a nervous laugh, “well i mean chekov was rambling about something in it a second ago.” Jim gave him a strange look, but chuckled along with him.
“So it’s welcome for me unless anyone else is here,” he said, brain pulling at a completely irrational and inaccurate metaphor. After all, Spock and Sulu had been quite close themselves, and he seemed quite close with Sulu himself, almost jealous at Jim’s own closeness.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Spock said, feeling brave and honest by the fire light, “you’re my favorite, Jim.” Jim grinned, full and happy, cheeks flushing a little bit.
“Yeah?” He said, really hoping Spock wouldn’t pick now to tease.
“Yeah,” Spock assured.
“Well, why’s that?” Jim said, insecure and brave all at once. Spock looked around for a minute. Everyone was laughing, Scotty was singing some song to one of the Sophomore girls who had hearts in their eyes, Nyota and Sulu were laughing at Chekov who was waving his arms excitedly, evidently telling one of his stories that no one was ever sure if were true or not. He turned his face to Jim’s, and it glowed, and it looked so peaceful Jim wanted to cry.
“You’re my best friend, i,” Spock’s smile, which was so ever present on his face since he and Jim had gotten into their Glee discussion, “ignored all of these brilliant people for three years for the most part because I’d really rather be with you. I may have neglected a few invitations, because my time is always better with you.” Jim’s heart hadn’t felt quite this full for a long time.
“You’re my best friend too Spock. Have been since day one.”
“Day one? You mean the first day we hung out?” Spock said in disbelief. Jim looked up at the stars. He could see quite a lot of them, many many more than was usual in the small city he grew up in.
“Since the first day my atoms were created, Spock, since my stardust and my electrons and every form that I’ve ever been in,” Jim said firmly. There was silence, and Jim was embarrassed, but he was determined to not back down with it. Spock would say something, and maybe it would be about something else or maybe it would be about that, or he would leave. But Jim meant it more than he had ever meant anything.
“I have always been at your side, I think,” Spock said finally, so quietly Jim almost missed it.
“And always will be,” Kirk said. And it flashed in front of Spock, Kirk meeting someone and falling in love, Kirk being happy and open and everything his private self hating ass had difficulty with. Someone else treating Kirk like he wanted to, but was too scared to. He pulled his sadness in, couldn’t let Jim see it.
“And always will be,” He agreed as his heart thrashed wildly in his chest. Jim didn’t notice, as he was trying to quiet his own heart.
~
They went to bed disturbingly early. There was no cell service, and they had sung and told stories for hours after dark, so then they went to bed.
It was then that Spock and Jim both silently got scared about the smallness of their tent. It wasn’t that they hadn’t cuddled before, slept in the same bed, they’d done it hundreds of times probably since becoming friends. But never since the incident of awkwardness that was, on Spock’s part, even more awkward than Jim knew.
“Um, this is… cozy,” spock said, moving his arm and smacking into Jim right in the face with his elbow.
“OW!” Jim hissed, pulling his own elbow up to cup his nose and knocking into Spock’s cheek awkwardly.
“Okay we have got to just like…” Spock hesitated, “cuddle or something because trying to act like there isn’t two of us in here is clearly not working, Jim.”
“For two people whose atoms were created together we sure aren’t melding well,” Jim said, and then almost smacked himself in the face, knowing perfectly well why it was awkward.
“Jim,” Spock said, reaching out and pulling him forward so that he was laying on top of Spock, “relax.” Jim didn’t expect to find it so easy to do so, but Spock, after a moment’s hesitation, began running his hand through Jim’s soft hair, and Jim felt at once so at home that he drifted off much faster than he, who would have loved to cherish this, would have liked.
~
Jim and Spock didn’t get much time together until that night. Sulu and Spock got back in time, which happened to be about thirty before Jim and Uhura headed to the same spot. When they were back, everyone seemed to want to play something or paint something, so they all existed more as a unit, a family, than as a duo for a bit. Spock, despite having a great difficulty falling asleep the night before, woke early with the sun. When he exited the small tent, he found Sulu and Pike to be the only ones up before him.
“She snores like a pig,” Sulu said, with a fake haunted look in his eyes. It was a very good impression of hauntedness. Spock didn’t know how to express this strange compliment, so he kept it to himself.
“I’m gonna… Go for a walk,” Spock said awkwardly into the silence. Pike rolled his eyes.
“Take Sulu take a bag be back by two take route n in my opinion,” He said, shifting slightly in his chair and then grabbing his book from off the ground.
“Would you like to come with us sir?” Sulu asked, sounding one hundred percent sincere in the offer. Pike laughed.
“No thank you, Mr. Sulu,” he said, opening his book. Sulu shrugged and grabbed Spock’s arm.
“Come on, it’s gonna be fun!”
~
It was fun. Turned out Pike took his job as a chaperone very seriously and literally every time they had needed something, it had been in the bag. Also turned out that the view from the end of trail N was fuckign spectacular.
“I wish Jim were here,” Spock said, staring out at the canyon below them. It was vast and gorgeous and made Spock really really need to see the grand canyon because if this was just some canyon off some road an hour from his house, that was going to be Something that would change him deeply forever.
Look at him, getting all dramatic and Kirkly.
“Yeah? Pretty romantic view,” Sulu said, trying it out. Spock smirked.
“Indeed,” he agreed. Sulu tried to stop himself from punching the air in victory. He failed.
~
Then, around eight, Pike announced he was going to bed and the atmosphere immediately shifted as his footsteps grew fainter and fainter.
“Do we all solemnly promise to be good enough children that Pike can’t ignore what he knows we are doing but to also have so much goddamn fun?” Sulu said, a sneaky grin across his face as he stared them down one by one.
“Why would we-” Kirk began, but fell silent as Sulu pulled two vodka bottles out his bag, Chekov pulled two whiskeys, and Uhura pulled things he didn’t see the name of and did not recognize immediately, all with matching devilish smiles. Kirk and Spock looked at each other, shrugged and reached for a cup.
~
“Spock oh my god, Spocklesssss,” Jim slurred, draping over Spock and looking out at the cannon. They had managed to sneak off (or more no one wanted to know what they might be doing) and Jim, adorable and about 300% shit faced, had convinced a Spock who had Much Much more sensibilities, to go to the cannon with him. It had hardly taken puppy dog eyes.
“Yes, Jim?” Spock said, a giggle in his voice as he ran his hand through Jim’s hair. Jim rolled over so he was facing Spock, smiling and shining under the starlight.
“Why don’t you have any nicknames for me?” Jim puffed out his cheeks, behind his his legs swung up and around. He giggled at the feeling of his heavy boots swinging around in the air. Spock looked at him. He radiated, he was warm, he was beautiful and ever interesting and something Spock wanted desperately to explore.
“What do you mean? Clearly you’re my starlight,” Spock said, as if he’d said it a thousand times before. And it felt to both of them as if he had.
“Oh, duh,” Jim said and then, suddenly, he was a lot closer to Spock’s face, and then, before Spock registered enough to not let it happen this way, he was having his first kiss with a very drunken Jim.
His lips pressed briefly onto Spocks. He made a whining noise and parted his lips, moving them on Spock’s mouth. His mouth wasn’t exactly dry, but it wasn’t wet or soft either. Jim’s lips were soft and Spock threaded his fingers in Jim’s hair, embarrassed but unable to do anything about the rush of blood to his cock as Jim made a whining voice in the back of his throat, left Spock’s mouth to completely swing one leg over Spock, straddling him and rocking his hips into Spock’s stomach, and obvious erection making Spock see stars as he shut his eyes too hard. Well, at least he wasn't the only one.
But then he realized, he was a lot less drunk than Jim.
“Jim, Jim get off me,” Spock said all at once completely cooled off. Jim froze, looked at Spock, and goddamn it his eyes welled up.
“Spock?” Jim said. Spock shut his eyes for a moment, then opened them, reaching forward to hug his best friend, and shift him off of his lap and onto the soft patch of grass they had found.
“Starlight, I want you to promise me something,” Spock said, reaching out to hold a very confused Jim’s hand.
“You can have anything you want,” he said, not at all innocently.
“What I want is for you to sleep, and if you mean any of, whatever this is, in the morning, you find a way to tell me,” Spock said firmly. Jim stuck out his lip, but nodded and snuggled into Spock’s side, once again asleep hours before Spock. But this time that was because Spock felt they really should be sleeping in their blankets.
~
They didn’t say anything at first in the morning. The truth was this was the day they were all heading home, all hoping that their hangovers were accepted by their parents as simply a effect of being out in the woods on the ground for a weekend, and they were just in pain, and tired, and not being let off the hook at all for cleaning up.
So no one really said much until they were on the bus. But Jim and Spock both made sure they were close by each other, a constant orbit of two. This wasn’t missed by the others, but Spock had given Sulu and Uhura a stern look, and then a shrug, at their excited, questioning faces.
They sat by each other. It had only been two weeks really, since things had gotten shaken up in their world, but it felt like much more than two weeks since they’d had their previous arrangement. It occurred to Spock as he looked over at Jim, who was staring out the window with a sad look on his face, that Spock had never actually come out to Kirk.
He laid his head on Jim’s shoulder, and looked up when Jim turned his head to try and see him. There was a dare in Spock’s eyes, scared, but a not backing down dare. Jim swallowed some spit, glanced back and forth from Spock’s eyes to his lips. The walking cliche of a boy.
Jim kissed him, and it was like a million shooting stars sped through his veins.
~
It was raining. It was rainy and it was a little windy and Jim could feel everything in that. It was like the weather moved through him, with him, rushing him on.
It was an important game for them and he was kicking ass. Well, running like a fire was lit under him more like. He couldn’t help it, he was smiling as he got closer to the finish line, he was ahead of everyone else and he was bursting inside. Rain made him like this, he came alive, he always ran better in it.
And then he was shooting through the finish line and people were screaming and he was hopping and whooping and he was so so happy and he was proud to be alive and he.
He found Spock. Standing a few feet from the finish line, ridiculous looking with his hair stuck to him and clothes too and he was the only one other than the coaches who wasn’t cowering away from the rain, but rather waiting for Jim, smiling and just when Jim thought he couldn’t feel more alive in that moment he did.
He was smiling for him. His best friend the love of his entire life the boy whose atoms he was sure were forged to orbit his forever.
Jim leapt on him, knocked them over onto the wet grass, rolling and laughing.
“JIM!” Spock yelped, holding up his hands that he had used to break his fall, full of mud. Jim just laughed, pulled Spock’s face up a little bit and kissed him with all that he was.
“You’re ridiculous,” He said as he finally pulled away, remaining the smallest amount of dignity to not just completely hump his boyfriend in public.
“Me? I’m the ridiculous one of this relationship?” Spock said, sitting up with Kirk still on his lap and holding Jim’s sides.
“Yep,” Kirk said, glancing down at his boy friends lips and biting his own.
“Be more obvious why don’t you?” Spock said, groaning. Jim shrugged, still high on the mixture of running, rain, and most importantly, dating the single best being to ever be created in the history of the world, ever.
“Please don’t, some of us are lonely,” Sulu said, having been pushed forward by the team to try and collect the ridiculous rain boyfriends. Kirk narrowed his eyes and leapt off Spock, who immediately missed the pressure and warmth of him and followed more slowly, taking a muddy hand to hold Jim’s as he pressed into his side.
“Why is that? You’re literally like, the best,” Jim said. Spock narrowed his eyes but said nothing. He didn’t need to. “Oh shut up Spock you know you own my entire ass.”
“Kinky,” Sulu said with an eyebrow raise.
“Listen, I didn’t come here to be disrespected, I came here to inquire as to why one of my best friends, who is full of good and strength, is lonely,” Kirk said.
“Inquire?”
“Shut up! God, Spock wears off on a guy okay we’ve been best friends for years give me a break.”
“More like several millennia.”
“You’re both the absolute worst I swear to god i need a drink.”
“Oh come on,” Uhura said, arriving with an umbrella because she was like that, “you know we love and support them.”
“They don’t need to know that. A lonely gay doesn’t need it shoved in their face,” Sulu said, fake seriously and making Uhura laugh. Her laugh was snorty and amazing.
“Come on, let’s get going, we got a few hours back home.” Pike apparently was done with the consoling the other team for sucking.
“I call the front of the bus away from theses mongrels!” Sulu said, grabbing Uhura’s hand and starting on his way.
“You and me both, kid,” Pike said, gesturing to the rest of the team still sat on the bleachers to come down.
“Did you hear that Spock? If we sit in the very back Pike won’t do shit about us making out.”
“Indeed, Jim,” Spock said, planting a kiss on Jim’s cheek affectionately and tugging him after the rest of the team to get changed before they went to the bus.
~
They did end up at the back of the bus, and they scarfed down their sandwiches quickly and cozied up under a blanket and Jim, eager and adorable, grinned at Spock with some spinach in his teeth, and gave him kisses that lit his stomach. Jim moved down his neck, and Spock had to use all of his control to not let out a moan and the little kisses and sucking that Jim did, jesus christ how was he going to take this?
Well, Jim, it turned out, was still an excessively sleepy person after meets. His lips slowed on Spock’s neck and Spock smiled.
“Sleep, starlight,” He said, pulling Jim’s face to him and giving him a quick peck on the lips. Jim smiled through the haze, drunk with tiredness and love, he nestled into Spock’s side. Spock leaned his head on top of Jim’s and closed his eyes while fireworks went off in his heart.
“Told you you had the hots for Jim,” Sulu shouted from the way front of the bus to chorus of laughter, with a little wink. Jim tried to ask how they were all in on the joke, but then he was out. Spock rolled his eyes and winked back and he never, ever, wanted this feeling to go away.
And it never did.