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She hated it.
She hated seeing so many others so, happy. So loving. Loving each other. Loving themselves.
It disgusted her.
She hated every second of it.
Because it reminded her that she could never have it.
Reminded her how she failed
How she wasn’t enough.
How she was ignored.
How it was all her fault.
Every Uma was loved. Be it by fans, by their parents, by their friends. Most were loved by their partners. Adoring partners. Who held them when they were sad, who kissed them when they were happy.
Agnes Digital had none of that. Her fans had left her. The moment her racing ended she was tossed aside, forgotten. Merely this, bizarre, idiotic girl who ran on turf and dirt. Thousands of adoring fans had moved on, abandoned her. Her competitors were so busy making out with each other that they forgot that someone was left alone.
And her parents… she didn’t want to think about them. They hated her. Because she wasn’t him. Because she wasn’t the son that they so desperately wanted. That she was no longer the son they had.
And now, she was merely an afterthought among her own ‘people’.
Tracen had been sold to her as a dream. The home of the greatest Uma’s. The place for Uma’s to find their futures. That being there was joining a family. That being there would be the fulfilment of dreams and source of forever happiness.
The dream used to be real.
Until it turned into a nightmare.
No one really cared about a washed up, retired racer.
The bright burning stars of the current G1 winners. The growing flames of fresh rookies. The nostalgic fresh retirements, and the heartaching, painful career ending injuries. Agnes Tachyon, even years after her retirement, remained beloved. Her story was beautiful in its agony. She remained upon those billboards. Remained in the public conscience.
Nothing for Agnes Digital.
Nothing but a boring retirement.
Nothing for the boring, regular, standard Agnes Digital.
She stared down at the drink in front of her. Its pink liquid stared back at her. Strawberry’s. That’s what it tasted like. Something that would be perfectly expected of her. Something that was perfectly boring. Perfectly ordinary.
Just like her.
She drained her drink. The sweet taste did nothing to clear the pain in her mind. She stood, turned, and left. The gentle breeze outside should have calmed her. The soft glow of streetlights at night should’ve given peace to her mind. They did nothing.
She made her way through the streets, passing by the odd person out this late.
None of them recognized her. None of them called out. She was invisible. Again.
Tracen’s campus brought the same. The rumble of Uma’s running the track remained, as it always did. Digital stared at the track as she went past.
Her legs ached. They ached to run again. To feel the fire of competition. That burning desire to win. To bump shoulders with her fellow racers, to feel the ecstasy of victory, just one more time.
She took a few steps towards the track.
But she stopped. She always did.
She’d left that life behind. Left behind the very thing she had dreamed of as a child. The very thing that had made her happier than anything else. The one thing that had given her meaning.
And she had left that life behind.
Left it for the life she had now. Whatever that life was.
Instead. She moved past the track. Past the memories that demanded her attention, and moved to her dorm room once more.
Tachyon wasn’t there. She rarely was anymore. She was always with her girlfriends. Always away.
Leaving Agnes Digital alone. Again.
Trophies gleamed brightly in her room. Five G1’s, alongside the Hong Kong Cup. Something she should be proud of. But she hated them. Hated the reminder of how happy she should be. The reminder of how good she used to be.
The very trophies she had seen in her dreams as a child, the trophies she had left her family to chase after. Now collecting dust on a shelf, worthless. Just as their winner was now worthless.
It was a constant. That worthless Agnes Digital. ‘You’re just a worthless simp, Digital.’ ‘You’re just a worthless runner, can’t even choose one surface.’ ‘You’re a worthless son to our family.’
A son.
Would she be worth something if she had stayed a son? If she had stayed human? If she hadn’t changed everything she knew, changed her entire life, would she finally be worth something?
Probably not.
Agnes Digital lay on her bed, not bothering to change out of her clothes. It felt, weird, gross, disgusting. The same words she could hear in her fathers voice every time she closed her eyes. The same words that had rained down like belt blows against her body all those years. The bruises were gone, the rivelets of blood that had traced her body from the buckle had disappeared. But the memories remained. The feeling still burned at her, tearing away at her mind and soul. Tears bubbled in her eyes, hot and burning at her skin. Chest wracking sobs fought to break free, held back only by the hand clamped upon her mouth.
The photos that lay around her room screamed out at her. Reminders of the life she had lost. Reminders of the lies she had told and the people she had betrayed.
The idea that she was an Uma Musume, that she was a girl. It was a lie, all lies. Lies lies lies. And she always lied to her friends, her family, her fans, to herself.
She didn’t deserve to run. She didn’t deserve all the love and adoration she had been given. She wasn’t even worthy of the Agnes name. She was merely a failed, corrupted, disgusting, lie of a boy.
The tears came thick and fast now. Burning the skin of cheeks, setting aflame the nerve endings and destroying the careful makeup. Revealing her natural skin, the skin that didn’t belong to a woman, didn’t belong to someone worthwhile. They made a damp, darkened circle on the fabric of her pillow as her body convulsed. Her body cramped in on itself as her stomach roiled inside her. It burned at her throat, the vile taste of bile came up into her mouth, forcing her to gag on empty air.
Her own body fought against her, a mere reminder of how idiotic she was, of how pointless her existence was. How wrong her existence was. Her body fought every movement she attempted. Tried to force up the disgusting drink she had drank only a short while ago. The strawberry taste had disappeared, replaced only by the disgusting, terrifying salt and heat of shame and disappointment. The drink would not solve her problems, it could not answer them. And yet she kept asking the bottom of its bottle the questions destroying her own mind.
She had always been a runner. She had won multiple G1’s, she loved running. When she first became an Uma, she wanted to run on the Tracen tracks for as long as possible. Before she was an Uma, she was always running to escape her family. When she was him she had always run away from the truth, scared of its realities.
She had been running when she became an Uma.
The glass bottle shattered on the wall right as she moved away from it, ducking as another one came flying at her. “Get out! Get out of my sight!” Her fathers voice raged out at her. The booming, drunken voice thundering against her ear drums. She fled the room, moving quickly to the front door.
She saw the rest of her family watch her go. Her mother, indifferent, uncaring. She hadn’t seemed to care about her ever since she grew out her hair. Her grandmother, too deep into dementia to remember her.
And her sister.
The sister she adored. The sister that adored her. The sister she had sworn to protect. The sister she had promised she would help them leave this place
The sister she had told late at night under the covers, how they would escape this place. That they would escape and run somewhere else. That they'd keep running to fill their hearts content, keep running like the Uma Musume that filled their dreams.
And yet, only one of them was running. Only one was abandoning the other.
She could see the tears in her sister's eyes. The betrayal written on her face. The fear that was clear in her body language. She was leaving her in that family, alone, without any help.
“Thea, please, don’t leave me!”
The words stabbed into her very soul. Tearing her heart into pieces. The words of her younger sister screaming out after her. Unknowingly, it would be the last words she would hear from her incredible, sweet, kind, beautiful younger sister for years. Those words would haunt her nightmares, an eternal soundtrack to everything she would do.
But Thea didn’t know this yet. Agnes Digital would suffer due to Thea’s actions, they were one in the same.
Thea ran out the door. And she kept going. Her legs burned, her lungs cried in agony. But she pushed onwards. Past the looks of strangers, past the rumbling of car engines and the buzzing of street lights. She ran and ran and ran. She ran towards a distant light. She felt herself going faster and faster, her legs no longer painful, her lungs able to draw air.
But the world had disappeared around her.
A constant, never ending white plane spread out around her. Slowly, Thea came to a halt. There was no point in running. Where would she go?
“Am I, dead?”
It seemed logical. Running near the road, not looking where she was going. And she appears in a white void, it seemed like she had died.
“No, you are not dead my sweet.”
Thea turned around quickly. In front of her stood an Uma. Her blue hair and tail matching her blue jacket, the short revealing her long legs. Thea was stunned. Both by the impossibility of her situation, and the beauty of the person in front of her. She appeared like a goddess to Thea’s eyes, shining like a beacon.
“Who, who are you? And where am I?” The woman smiled gently, her face kind towards the confused girl. “Hello my dear. My name is Godolphin Barb. And you are in my realm!” The woman, Barb, spreads her arms wide and gestures to the world around them. “You are here, because it’s my job to make sure you become the amazing person, that you are destined to be.”
A shiver of terror ran down Thea’s spine. Those words, she had heard things like that before. Heard them from the words of preachers and missionaries. From the mouths of conservative politicians and her own family. She knew the meaning behind those words.
“No! You, you can’t make me! I’m, I’m a girl, I’ve always been a girl. You can’t stop me!” Thea’s words were loud, near yelling at the strange Uma in front of her.
Barb looked at her, a strange look on her face. A sort of, melancholy. A look that told her she had heard this before. That she knew everything Thea was saying, and understood her perfectly.
Barb stared at the small girl in front of her. Her clothing torn, with blood running down her face from a small gash in her cheek, jagged as if made by glass. Tears ran down her face, her cheeks long stained by them. She knew the feelings that were spiralling inside her. Understood the torment and anguish that was broiling inside her mind.
“Darling, I know that. I know you’re a girl. You are an incredibly sweet, kind and incredible girl. You’ve done so much for yourself and your sister, don’t worry about being a girl.” Barb stepped closer to Thea, to the point of their noses almost touching. “You’re so much more than just a girl, Thea. I know how much you desire to run. How much you love all those Uma’s.”
Thea blushed at the woman's words.
She thought of her room, of all the Uma merchandise that decorated it. The posters, the plushies, the statues. The room she’d never get to see again.
The thought killed her inside, the smile that had steadily grown disappeared.
“Oh, don’t be afraid my sweet. You’ll find all your possessions with you.” Thea looked at her, confused.
“With me, where am I going?”
Goldolphin Barb smiled, her hand gently brushing Thea’s cheek, the small cut healing as she did. “Where you’ve always wanted to go. Tracen Academy.”
Thea looked at her, bewildered. And yet excited, even as a blush was rapidly spreading across her face from the touch and proximity. “But, I’m not, an Uma Musume.”
Barb smirked. “Not yet.”
Godolphin Barb leaned in, and pressed lips to Thea’s. Both of their eyes closed, as their lips pressed together.
The heat of their lips was searingly hot to Thea, but in the greatest way possible. The taste was something indescribable. It was every good taste all at once. It was mint, peaches, chocolate, coco.
Strawberries.
Godolphin Barb tasted like strawberries.
The freshest, ripest, most perfect strawberries she had ever tasted.
And she wanted more.
Thea leaned in, desperately.
She pushed back into the kiss. Her hands found Barb’s side and hips, gently squeezing against them. The skin was perfect under her hands. So perfectly smooth, Thea knew nothing could defeat this. She felt Barb’s hands grasp her own hips. One hand gently stroked her lower back, the other moved and lay itself upon her head.
She felt odd sensations coming from her head and tailbone. Feelings of, exquisite euphoria. Better than any drug, event or emotion. Thea was light headed, the experience not making sense in her mind.
Thea began to merely melt into the kiss, her body matching perfectly into Barb’s. The contours of her body fitting together like a puzzle piece, the final piece of a puzzle she didn’t know she was making.
It was the perfect dance partner. The perfect meal by the perfect cook.
There’s an old greek story. That people were originally made in double. Four arms, four legs, two heads. But the gods became afraid and split them in two. And that humans would spend their lives searching for their other half.
Thea had found her other half. Her perfection. Her reason for living. Her soulmate.
Eventually, terribly, Barb pulled away.
Thea chased her with her own lips, almost falling over from how far she lent forward.
The feeling of losing Barb’s lips was almost like dying, losing everything wonderful she had ever known.
Eventually, Thea opened her eyes. Barb stared back at her, eyes wide and a blush clear on her face.
“I, I’ve never, gone that far before.” Thea stared back. “What do you mean?”
Barb blushed again, averting her eyes. “I’ve turned people into Uma’s before and, given them Uma souls but, it’s never quite, felt like that.” Thea stared in shock, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest. “Well, I’ve never really, felt like, that, ever either.”
Thea could feel her body weakening, as if all her blood was rushing to one location. She could feel her tail moving wildly, almost like a helicopter blade.
Wait, her tail!!??
Thea had a tail now, and also, as she discovered by reaching her, ears! She had Uma ears and tail!
“Wait, what was that you said about Uma souls?” Thea asked, her words coming out quickly.
The smile returned to Barb’s face.
“I’ve made you into an Uma Musume Thea, just as you’ve always wanted.”
Tears quickly burst into Thea’s eyes, the smile on her face hurting her cheeks. “Thank you, Barb, thank you so much!” Thea twirled around, finding the strawberry pink tail behind her, matching her new hair as well. She had gotten shorter as well, and yet it was perfect.
She could feel how her legs were stronger, faster even. She really was an Uma Musume.
“Barb I, I don’t know how I could possibly thank you properly.” Thea stared at the woman in front of her. The woman, no goddess, who had given her her dreams, her greatest wish.
“Run for me. Run and become the greatest Uma you can be, in every way you can. That would be enough.
“I, I will Barb, I’ll do everything I can.” Barb smiled again, her eyes gentle at Thea. “Thank you, Thea. Or should I say, Agnes Digital?” Barb leaned in once more. Slowly, gently. It was a soft meeting. It was everything Thea, no, Digital, had ever wanted.
The heat was no longer scorching. It didn’t burn anymore. It was gentle, the perfect warmth, like the sun shining after you’ve unknowingly been in the darkness all your life.
Agnes Digital wrapped her arms around Goldolphin Barb one more time. Feeling the perfection under her hands, the perfection of their shapes fitting together. The smoothness of her skin, the softness of her lips.
The strawberry taste.
Agnes Digital knew she’d spend the rest of her life chasing that strawberry taste.
“Goodbye, Agnes Digital. Be the greatest Uma you can be.”
The world faded around her, Barb’s smile the last thing she saw.
Agnes Digital found herself standing outside the front of the three goddesses statue at Tracen Academy, dressed in the student Uniform. The only unique thing she had was a large, red ribbon in her hands.
And the taste of strawberries on her lips.
Agnes Digital lay on her bed. In the dorm that she shared with Agnes Tachyon. She held her ribbon in her hands, staring at it. For a time, she had thought it was all a hallucination. That Godolphin Barb wasn’t real. But she had no other explanation for the ribbon. And no explanation for the strawberry taste she always chased. The perfect, delicious strawberry taste that nothing had ever come close to.
‘Be the Greatest Uma you can be.’
Those were her words. The words she had lived by. And the words she committed to continue to live by.
Agnes Digital stood, and reattached her bow. She would not squander Barb’s gift. Squander the life she had given her. As Agnes Digital opened the door once more, she could swear she could taste something.
It was a unique taste, an incredible taste, something perfect.
She was trying to name it.
Strawberries.