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"You wanna know something?"
Woonhak turns to look at him; from where he's sitting, the moon has settled nicely over half of his face, his dark eyes sparkling with its reflection. His legs are dangling off the side of the parks play structure and he tilts his head to the side in silent encouragement.
They've been best friends for so long that Woonhak doesn't need to speak for Dongmin to know what he says with his eyes. Unlike any other friendship he's had with someone, him and Woonhak just happen to get each other. It's the type of effortless, easy going connection that he's never been able to replicate with anyone else— it's ruined a few other friendships here and there, and even a few girlfriends of his have broken it off for various reasons that all boil down to feeling like they don't get him the way Woonhak does.
But Woonhak has always gotten him. He's always been patient enough to learn, loving enough to persist through Dongmin's quirks. Dongmin knows himself well enough to be aware that he's difficult. He certainly doesn't make things all that easy for Woonhak to love him so fiercely.
Woonhak loves all his friends, but Dongmin takes pride in being the one he loves the most.
He's never had to say it outright, Dongmin already knows. Woonhak cancels plans with other people for him, lets Dongmin get away with anything even when he makes Woonhak angry, he even takes Dongmin's side in arguments sometimes, when Dongmin can be so, so wrong.
Even tonight— late summer, about two thirty-something AM, Woonhak is out with him at the local park even though his work shift tomorrow is early. He'd complained while Dongmin dragged him out and down the street, but he's still here now, still sitting against the entrance to one of the large plastic slides and tracing the carved graffiti along the surface with his fingertips.
When Dongmin finally speaks, he does so in a playful tone, as if he's telling a joke. "Sometimes, I wish you were a girl."
Woonhak's initial reaction is a blunt exhale that fizzles before it can become a real laugh. His eyes search over Dongmin's face for a second. "What? Why?"
Dongmin shrugs. To him it's obvious. "You know— I like you more than anyone else, and you're funny, and I like to tease you. If you were a girl, I'd probably be in love with you."
It's something he thinks about a lot, actually. He had a dream once that Woonhak was a girl, except nothing has really changed— in the dream, he she was cute, the same hair color as Woonhak has right now, bleached and frizzy, with the same lip gloss on that Woonhak occasionally wears when they go to bars.
Everything else was basically the same. She was just as tall as Woonhak is, and wore the same boyish clothes, but Dongmin just knew that she was a girl. In that dream, he remembers taking girl-Woonhak's hand and pulling her in, pressing a kiss to her mouth, calling her pretty, all the things he would do with a real girlfriend.
So yeah, it was easy enough for him to come to the conclusion that he would probably love Woonhak as a girl. Dream Dongmin sure did, and dream Dongmin is usually hard to misinterpret.
He expects this admission to amuse Woonhak, maybe make him laugh, maybe make him roll his eyes. What he gets though, isn't that. Isn't any of it.
Woonhak stares at him for a long, long moment. His brows twitch together in the center, and his fingers curl inward like he's balling his hands into little fists. Woonhak's lips purse together and his eyes flicker across Dongmin's face and then towards rest of the park as if he's searching for something in the shadows.
"I was just joking," Dongmin defends after a moment. Maybe Woonhak is uncomfortable from the joke, or maybe he didn't get it?
Woonhak laughs, but it sounds wrong, like a hollow imitation of what real joy sounds like. His smile doesn't reach his eyes. "Yeah, ha," he looks away again. Dongmin can see him swallow. "Funny."
Woonhak winces in the sharp white lights of his bathroom. He examines himself in the mirror; the bags under his eyes are dark and harsh and there's a place on the center of his bottom lip that's bright red from his teeth chewing away at it. He licks over it and tastes the tinge of iron, groaning to himself as he flicks his light back off.
He trudges back to his bedside table. It's almost three fourty-five now, and he still doesn't think he'll sleep anytime soon. He opens his phone and finds Jaehyun's contact.
When Jaehyun got a job an hour away, he made Woonhak promise that he'd still call if he ever needed him. Said 'I want to be there for you forever and always, you know that'. Woonhak usually only takes him up on that at reasonable times, but right now he really needs his friend.
It only rings twice.
"Woonhak, are you okay?"
A bitter laugh forces its way up from Woonhak's throat. "Um, hard question to answer," he tries to jest, but he knows it falls flat.
"What happened?" Jaehyun's voice is filled with concern, it replaces all the grogginess that had been present when he first picked up.
"Dongmin…said something.."
Jaehyun waits for a moment, and when it becomes clear that Woonhak isn't continuing on his own, he prompts, "What'd he say, Hak-ah?"
Woonhak sighs softly. He shuts his eyes and falls until his back meets the mattress— his ceiling fan is spinning in slow circles, and his gaze follows, around and around and around. Endless and inevitable.
"He said he wishes I was a girl, because—" an acidic lurch rises up in Woonhak's throat and he tries, albeit fails, to swallow it down. "Because if I was, then he'd be in love with me."
A staticky groan comes from over the line. He can hear rustling. "Seriously?"
"Yep," Woonhak sniffles. "Jaehyunie-hyung, what do I do?"
Jaehyun is the one person who knows the full extent of how Woonhak feels for Dongmin. He's the one person who has held Woonhak while he's cried, who has tried to give him hope that maybe it could happen one day, and also, the person that lately, has been telling Woonhak that he deserves better. Woonhak hates hearing that, because he can't imagine loving anyone besides Dongmin.
Loving Dongmin is as just as much a part of him as his own eye color. As the lines on his palms. As the acne scars on his cheeks. It's just a fact— Woonhak has bleached hair, and chapped lips, and he loves Dongmin. It's who he is.
"Woonhak," Jaehyun speaks slowly, and gently, so Woonhak knows he's going to tell him something true that he won't like. "You need to move on."
Tears sting in Woonhak's eyes, and his stomach turns. Jaehyun continues,
"Dongmin-ah is confused, and he certainly feels something for you, but he's not ready to confront it. And there's no telling when he might be— You can't wait along for him forever, he's just gonna keep hurting you and your heart until there's nothing left for him to break."
Tears drip out of Woonhak's eyes, down his temples, and disappear into his hairline. He hates crying while laying down, the salt isn't good for his hair. He leans back up again and sniffles, wiping his nose off with the back of his hand. "Yeah, I know."
"You're not a girl, Woonhak. You deserve someone who will love you because of who you are, not in spite of it."
That's what makes Woonhak break. He falls apart. Shatters like thin glass on a hard wood floor. He sobs, and apologizes a million times, and Jaehyun does nothing but tell him it's okay. That it will be okay. That he'll move on.
Dongmin has been throwing pebbles at Woonhak's bedroom window for almost two full minutes. It never takes this long to get Woonhak's attention, so Dongmin has no idea what's taking so long. It's not like he could be not home, his car is outside, his lights are on. Woonhak is home and not responding to his pebbles.
Usually, Woonhak opens up the window to yell down and ask Dongmin what the hell he wants before obliging with his wishes. Today though, Woonhak opens the front door after three and a half minutes of pebble throwing, except—
"Woah, why are you dressed so nice?" Dongmin asks. Woonhak is wearing what looks like a new button up, and his hair is carefully done, and he's wearing more formal shoes instead of his usual muddy sneakers.
He's also holding his keys in his hand, and walking towards his car. Dongmin pouts— he's not really going somewhere, is he? When Dongmin is right here?
"Hey, where are you-"
"I'm going on a date, Dongmin," Woonhak cuts him off. His voice is lacking its usual warmth. "And you should go home."
"What the fuck?" Dongmin steps closer, getting in between Woonhak and his vehicle. "What's your problem? Cool, a date, I'm happy for you, but is she really that important?"
"It's a he," Woonhak says then. His jaw is tight and Dongmin can't read him, he doesn't—he's never seen Woonhak make this face at him before. "I'm going on a date with a boy, because I'm gay. You might have noticed that if you thought about anyone other than yourself. I really don't get you, Dongmin."
It's too much to process in so little time. Dongmin feels something in the hollow of his chest shift and crack, like invisible forces digging away at his ribcage.
"Hang on!" Dongmin stops Woonhak from stepping around him with a hand on his chest. His voice breaks when he asks, "Did—did I do something to you? I don't care if you're gay, I don't—why are you so upset with me?"
Woonhak pauses. He stares at Dongmin, and he's still unreadable. This time when he speaks, his voice is more emotional, but it sounds wounded. Guarded in a way Woonhak's never been with him. "I'm.. not a girl."
Dongmin is silent for a moment. "..I—I know that.."
"Right," Woonhak mutters. "Girls aren't me, either."
Without saying another word, Woonhak gently shoves past. He gets in his car, ignoring Dongmin's protests. Drives away without looking back. Dongmin is at a loss.
Woonhak leaves Dongmin in his yard, feet stuck to the browning grass, and mourning something that never got to begin.