Archive of Our Own

The interview has been going smoothly.

Chan had already talked about the album, the recording process, how strange it felt to hear his own voice filling an entire track without the others somewhere in the background was kinda different.

He had answered questions about songwriting, choreography, the concept, and the inevitable question about whether he was nervous about promoting alone.

He laughed at that one.
“Of course I am, taking such a big step towards my solo album was a good kind of nerve wracking, I can't wait to show y'all.”

The interviewer smiles, glancing down at the next question on the cue card.

“Then let me ask you something a little different, more personal Dino-ssi.”

Chan straightens slightly in his chair.

The interviewer looked up.

“Who's the first person you'd call if something happened?–it could be good or bad, anything.”

There wasn't even a pause.

“Seungcheol hyung.”

The answer came so quickly that Chan himself seemed to realize how immediate it had been only after he'd said it.

The interviewer laughs softly.
“That was fast.”

Chan chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, I guess it was.”

“Well I'm sure carats wants to know why that is? At least I do.” She leans in closer brightly.

He glances away for a moment, a small smile still lingering on his face.

Because how do you explain years of someone answering the phone?

How do you explain a person who looked after you when you were too scared to ask for help, stayed when you pushed him away, and sat beside you when you were afraid of growing up?

You can't explain unless you were there, even as a bystander.

“Seungcheol hyung was always a reliable hyung as much as a leader, you really can't take one role out without another you know? He may come as imitating often but really, if you called him then rest assured he will answer sooner or later, he'll be there..” He tries explaining the unconditional love and care his hyung offers to his ones, but even words fall short when it comes to his Seungcheol hyung.

“That's how I have always known Him. If you call, he’ll be there.” He shrugged at last as if that Explains everything.

The interviewer noona nods as if that makes sense. It’s probably the ‘No one loves seventeen more than seventeen’ content for them anyways. Those are carat’s favorite content other than the chaotic going seventeen of course.

The camera is still filming, there's still 15 mins to end so the interview moves on.

And somewhere between one question and the next, Chan found himself remembering the first time he'd learned that Seungcheol would really come when he called.

͝ ⏝𝅄︶ ͝ ⏝ 𝜗𝜚 ⏝ ͝ ︶𝅄⏝ ͝

𝒊ᅠᅠᅠ Let me show you love, oh, I don't pretend. / Stick by my side even when the world is givin' inᅠᅠ.

Chan had been told three things about Seungcheol before he properly met him.

One, He was one of the oldest trainees.

Two, He was responsible for keeping track of the younger trainees assigned to him.

And three, that he was scary.

The last one had come from another trainee whispered over lunch, followed by a dramatic widening of his eyes that made Chan smile despite himself.
“He's really strict, I'm not kidding.”

Chan had nodded solemnly. “Okay.”

“You're not scared?” his bunker mate asked between bites of cheap ham sandwiches.

“A little.” He replied then.

That had been a lie.

Chan was terrified.

Not because Seungcheol had ever done anything to him. He hadn't. But Seungcheol carried himself like someone who always knew what he was doing, and Chan was still new enough to feel like he was constantly one wrong step away from being sent home.

He really can't afford to turn his back on his idol dream now of all times.

So when the staff told Chan that Seungcheol would be keeping an eye on his training schedule, making sure he attended his classes and practice sessions.

Chan had immediately decided one thing.

He would not be troublesome.

He would never make Seungcheol hyung have to come looking for him.

And for a while, he managed it.

Then the comments started and everything fell apart

They weren't always obvious enough to complain about – sometimes, someone would knock his shoulder when they passed him in the hallway, Other times his lyrics notebook would disappear and turn up somewhere he couldn't reach. Most of the time, the older trainees would laugh when he spoke, asking him to repeat himself because

“Your Iksan accent slips when you speak, get it covered.”

He couldn't cover that slip whenever he was nervous.

Those sunbaenims make him more than nervous. They became the reason for his panic attacks.

He soon learned to pick his things up quietly.

Once Chan became a pledis trainee for half a year, he learned to eat lunch somewhere with a friendly staff he knew.

He noted that if he arrived early enough to vocal practice, he could sit in the corner and leave before anyone had a reason to stop him.

That was how he started missing classes.

Not many, just once a week enough for his Seungcheol hyung to notice the pattern.

By the second month, Seungcheol himself had come up, Chan was halfway through tying his shoelaces when a shadow stopped in front of him.

“Chan.”

His fingers paused quickly, “Yes, hyung?”

“You weren't in vocal class.” He didn't have to hear the unsaid ‘why?’ because everyone knows that Seungcheol hyung always lets it slide if it's a once-or-twice type thing.

Not in his case of missing a day weekly of course. No one would stand that.

Chan looked up.

Seungcheol had his arms folded, expression unreadable like always.

“I had something to do.”

“What’s something that comes up weekly?”

Chan opened his mouth.

There it was.

This is his chance to say.

He could say it.
Some of the seniors keep bothering me.

I don't want to go when they're there.

I'm scared- they won't stop- I'm scared.

Instead, Seungcheol sighed.

“If you're going to be under my eyes, you need to be more responsible.”

Chan's gaze dropped to his shoes, words swallowed back into his throat.

“Yes, hyung.” He managed to choke out.

“You came here because you want to become an idol, right?” He raised his eyebrows pointedly.

“Yes.” He stared at the empty wall behind Seungcheol’s neck

“Then work for it. Don't start skipping things just because you're tired or whatever.”

Chan eyed that wall, unable to bear Seungcheol's stare, “I understand hyung.”

Seungcheol gave him a short nod before walking away.

Chan watched him go.

He didn't blame Seungcheol.

The words made sense.

He had come here to become an idol. He shouldn't be skipping classes.

I should get over it.

So he stopped trying to explain.

He simply started attending again and then later became better at hiding those consequences.

A few weeks later, the consequences
evolved from pushing and indirectly making his life hard to throwing things and surrounding him in a circle then asking things from him because “You can spare 2,000 won for you hyungs, right Chan-ah?”

It seems they unofficially made him the money source for their cheap cigarettes.

One Tuesday though when they had tried to take his parents’ hard earned money, he tried to refuse. His refusal made them mad and then somebody in their dorm circle spilled a cup of hot coffee on him.

It happened so quickly that Chan barely understood what was going on until the cup hit the floor.

Someone laughed cruelly, “Oops.”
Chan stared at the spreading stain on his shirt.
His skin burned.

“Sorry,” he whispered automatically.

The other trainees walked away.

As Chan crouched to pick up the cup, his hand shook and his elbow visibly got reddened due to the heat of the coffee.

He paused when his eyes stung and reminded himself that he has vocal class in twenty minutes and going with red eyes would do more harm than good.

His eyes were still puffy but he went anyway.

Then he attended the dance practice afterward.

Then another & another to make up for the missed classes.

By the time he returned to the dorm that night, the hallway lights had already been dimmed.

Most of the others were asleep.

Chan lowered himself onto the couch, too tired to make it upstairs.

He told himself he'd only rest for a minute.

He fell asleep.

The front door opened sometime after midnight.

Seungcheol stepped inside with Jihoon, both of them looking exhausted after spending the evening in the studio.

Jihoon quietly headed toward his room.

Seungcheol stopped when he noticed the small figure curled up on the couch.

“Yah, who is that?” He called out.

No response.

He walked over and crouched beside him.

“oh, Chan.”

Chan only shifted deeper into the cushion.

Seungcheol sighed.

“You're going to wake up with your neck twisted.”

He reached down to wake him properly, intending to send him upstairs.

Chan unconsciously rolled and his sleeve did too, it had ridden halfway up his arm.

Seungcheol immediately froze.

The skin underneath was visibly irritated and the edges were shedding.

His expression changed immediately.

“Chan.”

Nothing.

Seungcheol carefully pulled the sleeve higher.

There were more marks than he'd expected.

His stomach dropped.

He sat there for several seconds, staring at them.

Then his mind helplessly pieced together the bits that could have happened and the bits he knew happened together.

The missed vocal classes that came with excuses.

The way Chan had started leaving practice rooms quickly and how he never noticed that.

The way he'd stopped meeting anyone's eyes nowadays and where could that timidness come from?

All the times Seungcheol could have sat down and talked properly with Chan would have not led him here – sitting by Chan's side, has Chan tried to speak to him about whatever this is?

He needs to know because the point his mind is reaching to, is not a good one.

Then he thought back to that day, to that conversion, where he had told 'be responsible’ ‘just because tried or whatever’ & all that nonsense to a fourteen year old?

His words came to bite him back, he wished he could swallow what he said, but he can't, so all he can do now is take whatever is the root cause far away from Chan.

Seungcheol stood.

The exhaustion disappeared from his face.

He has things to plan and people to pull in favors from because he knows asking Chan directly is not a good choice, that's not his style anyway.

He prefers to do things quietly and quickly.

The next morning, he started asking questions.

Starting from the quickest option, the trainees who share vocal classes with chan.
From them, he got whos and whats.

Then came the ones inside those dorms.
From there, Soonyoung and his old favours never disappointed him.
he got their schedules in his hands by lunch time

By the end of the day, Seungcheol knew more than enough.

The following evening, Chan came back to the dorm to find Seungcheol already there.

He didn't mention what he'd done.

He didn't need to.

The trainees who had been bothering Chan were no longer bothering anyone.

Chan, unaware of all this, was just happy to have a peaceful vocal session in a long time.

That night, he fell asleep quickly.

Seungcheol sat beside him for a while.

The room was quiet except for the faint hum of the kitchen refrigerator.

He looked down at his youngest that he should have done a better job looking after and felt a dull ache in his chest.

He'd thought being responsible for Chan meant checking whether he attended his classes.

Making sure he practiced.

Reminding him about schedules and sleep and school all in between.

He hadn't understood that sometimes being responsible for someone meant noticing when they were quietly struggling to stay standing.

“I'm sorry, Channie,” he murmured.

Chan didn't wake.

Seungcheol reached over and gently fixed the blanket that had slipped from his shoulder.

“You shouldn't have had to handle that by yourself.”

A pause.

“I'm your hyung. You're allowed to bother me.”

Chan shifted slightly in his sleep.

“I know, hyung should've noticed sooner..”
Seungcheol smiled despite himself.

“But I'll notice next time, okay?”
He stayed there another moment before quietly adding, “I'll be there whenever you need me.”

Chan had slept unaware.

By the second morning, Chan had heard that half of those dorm seniors were dropped to the evaluations and the other half surprisingly apologized for every single trainee they bullied.

Seungcheol still hasn't told Chan.

Chan didn't know about Seungcheol’s interference until they had come to apologise to him personally.

while they had apologized normally – it was that almost milliseconds before their rushed bow, that chan pinpointed the cause to Seungcheol – they had looked behind him for some reasons as if checking and then bowing – chan realised after looking behind himself, it was Seungcheol who they looked so afraid of.

Whatever his hyung did, Chan does not want to find out, it was for a good cause anyways if you look at how Seungcheol is cheerfully waving at him now.

It clearly changed him, Chan decides he prefers this much pretty Seungcheol over the previous one.

“Thank you cheol hyung!” He beamed once he reached closer to him.

Seungcheol instead, preferring direct touch, squeezed him into a hug.

Yeah, his hyung will be there for him.

͝ ⏝𝅄︶ ͝ ⏝ 𝜗𝜚 ⏝ ͝ ︶𝅄⏝ ͝

𝒊𝒊ᅠᅠᅠ I need somebody who can love me at my worst, / No, I'm not perfect, but I hope you see my worthᅠᅠ.

Somewhere between their 3rd year debut anniversary and next mini album release,
Chan had started spending his free evenings somewhere other than the dorm, nobody thought much of it at first.

They were all getting older. Their schedules were busier, their circles had grown, and Chan had finally started making friends outside the group. It seemed like a good thing, especially because he had always been surrounded by his hyungs and rarely had anyone his own age to spend time with.

So when Chan started turning down movie nights because he already had plans, Seungcheol only nodded and told him to have fun. When messages from the group chat sat unread for hours, nobody complained. When Chan came home late and slipped quietly into his room, everyone assumed he was simply tired.

It took a while for Chan to notice that he had begun doing it almost every day.

The circle he had started hanging around with weren't particularly interested in what happened at the dorm. They talked about work, complained about their managers, laughed about things Chan didn't always find funny, and made him feel older than he was. They told him he was too serious, that he should loosen up, that everyone did things like this after work.

At first, Chan said no after the messages started popping up more on his phone, names appearing in his notifications whenever he finished practice. ‘You coming tonight?’ became ‘We're already here, come over’

He told excuses at the start that he had practice in the morning, he was tired, or he had already promised his hyungs he'd eat with them. Each excuse was met with another invitation a few days later, delivered casually enough that refusing started to feel strangely rude.

“Come with us this time, Chan.”

“You're not working tonight, are you?”

“Let's have one drink! It's on me, come on.”

Eventually, Chan stopped having excuses.

So Chan started hanging out with them.

He stayed out later than he should have, sitting in rooms that always smelled of peach cigarette smoke and cheap japan perfume, the air thick enough that Chan sometimes had to step outside just to breathe properly while music played too loudly in the background. Chan had never liked the smell, and the first time someone offered him a cigarette? he shook his head immediately.

“Nah, I'm good.”

Nobody pressured him directly. They only laughed.

“Relax. You'll get used to it.”

The next time, Chan still said no.

The time after that, he simply moved his hand away when one was offered.

But he stayed anyway.

He accepted drinks he shouldn't have,
took them because someone would laugh and call him boring whenever he refused, and tried to keep up with conversations that usually ended with someone mocking their own members or complaining about their company. Chan rarely knew what to say, so he laughed when everyone else did, even when the joke left an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach.

When he started checking the time and thinking about going home, someone would lean over the back of the couch and clap him on the shoulder, reminding him, “It's a job, Chan. You can't spend your whole life with your hyungs. You need to have a life too.”

He told himself that the smoke would eventually stop bothering him, that he'd get used to the taste of alcohol, that maybe he would eventually understand why everyone found these nights so fun. More than anything, he wanted to stop feeling like the youngest person in every room, the kid who always went home early and spent his free time with the same twelve people – If fitting in meant pretending he enjoyed things he didn't, Chan decided he could try.

Eventually, he started blending in, regardless of whether he enjoyed it or not, most of the time he stayed in his limits cause he needed to remember where he was, after all he didn’t want to be black out drunk somewhere.

One night, however, he couldn't remember exactly what happened out there or when he'd decided to come home.

The dorm was almost completely dark when he managed to get the front door open. He stood in the hallway for a moment, trying to remember whether he was supposed to take his shoes off before or after closing the door.

The television was still on in the living room.

Seungcheol was sitting on the couch.

Chan blinked at him, surprised.

“Hyung?”

Seungcheol turned his head and immediately noticed the state Chan was in. He reached for the remote and lowered the volume before standing.

“What time is it?”

Chan looked down at his shaking phone as if the answer might somehow change depending on how hard he stared at the screen. “Late.”

“It is.”

Seungcheol walked closer, studying him carefully. “Did you drink?”

Chan nodded.

“A little.”

Seungcheol raised an eyebrow.

Chan thought about it. “Maybe more than a little.”

There was no anger in Seungcheol's face, and that somehow made Chan's chest hurt more.

He had expected a lecture. He had expected disappointment. Instead, Seungcheol simply sighed and reached out to steady him when Chan swayed slightly on his feet.

“Come, sit down.”

Chan followed him to the couch, but the moment he sat, something inside him seemed to give way. He stared at the floor, rubbing his palms together while Seungcheol brought him some water.

He took the glass with both hands.

“Uh, thanks hyung.”

“Careful chan-ah.”

Chan drank a little, then set it down.

For a while, neither of them spoke. The quiet stretched between them, and Chan suddenly became painfully aware of how familiar the room was – The same couch they had argued over when they were younger, The same TV everyone crowded around after schedules, The same little marks on the coffee table from years of meals and late-night conversations.

He looked toward the hallway.

“How long hyung..?” he doesn't exactly need to ask him more, Seungcheol only stays up late either for late studio sessions or he has something on his mind.

It's obviously the second option, he's probably the reason.

Seungcheol sat down beside him. “I wasn't exactly waiting.”

Chan gave him a watery smile. “You were.”

“I was watching TV.”

“At two in the morning?”

Seungcheol glanced at the show. “It was a very important program.” It used to be Chan's favourite show. well it still is, he just hasn't sat down to watch it these days.

Chan laughed, but the sound broke halfway through.

He covered his face with his hands.

“What's wrong?”

Chan shook his head.

“Channie.”

“I don't know.”

His voice was already trembling.

The tears came before he could stop them, and Chan turned away quickly, embarrassed by how easily he was crying.

He had spent so long convincing himself that everything was fine that admitting otherwise felt almost impossible.

Seungcheol didn't push him to explain. He simply moved closer and put an arm around his shoulders.

That was all it took.

Chan leaned against him, crying quietly into his shoulder.

“I'm sorry,” he mumbled.

“For what?”

“I don't know.”

Seungcheol rubbed his back slowly. “Then you don't have to apologize yet.”

Chan shook his head. “I've been avoiding everyone.”

“I noticed.”

“I kept saying I was busy, but I wasn't. I was just... somewhere else.”

“You're allowed to have somewhere else to be.”

“But I stopped spending time with you.”

“You did.”

“I stopped answering your messages.”

“You did that too.”

Chan pulled back enough to look at him, eyes wet. “You're not even mad?”

“I'm worried,” Seungcheol said softly as if chan is still that fifteen year old boy.

“That's different.”

Chan looked down again.

“I think they're bad for me.”

Seungcheol was quiet for a moment before answering. “I think some of the things you've been doing with them aren't good for you. That doesn't mean I'm going to tell you that you can't have friends.”

Chan swallowed. “But you have the right to worry.”

Seungcheol smiled faintly. “I'm your hyung. Of course I worry.”

“No, I mean...” Chan wiped his face with his sleeve. “You have the right. All of you do. I'm sorry.”

Seungcheol reached over and brushed the tears from his cheek.

“Ah, Channie. You don't have to be perfect for us to care about you.”

Chan stared at him.

“You can make stupid decisions. You can meet people we don't like. You can get angry with us and disappear for a while. None of that means you stop being our Chan.”

His voice softened.

“You can always come home.”

Chan's face crumpled again, and he leaned into Seungcheol's shoulder without trying to hide it this time.

“I missed you, hyung.” he whispered.

Seungcheol wrapped both arms around him and held him close.

“I know, me too.”

Chan stayed there for a long time, listening to the television playing quietly in the background and the steady rhythm of Seungcheol's breathing. Somewhere between one apology and another, his eyes became too heavy to keep open.

Before he fell asleep, he heard Seungcheol murmur, “Get some rest. We'll talk about everything tomorrow.”

For the first time in months, Chan believed that tomorrow could actually be okay.

Because his hyung would take care. Even if tomorrow wouldn't be okay, he'll be there.

͝ ⏝𝅄︶ ͝ ⏝ 𝜗𝜚 ⏝ ͝ ︶𝅄⏝ ͝

𝒊𝒊𝒊ᅠᅠᅠ Don't you worry / I'll be there, whenever you want meᅠᅠ.

The studio had been unusually quiet that evening.

Chan had been there for hours, working through the last few things for his solo album, but somewhere along the way, the excitement he'd been carrying for months had become difficult to separate from everything else – his laptop was open to a schedule that seemed to keep getting longer every time he looked at it. There were interviews, rehearsals, recordings, music shows, photoshoots, meetings, and enough unfamiliar names and locations to make his head ache.

He had wanted this. He knew that.

He had dreamed about standing on a stage with his own songs, introducing something that belonged entirely to him. He had imagined how proud the others would look when they watched him perform. Mingyu had already been talking about celebrating afterward, Seungkwan had been teasing him with his recent mv photos, and Jihoon had spent an unreasonable amount of time checking whether Chan was happy with every track over a phone call.

So why did he suddenly feel like he couldn't breathe properly?

Chan pushed his chair back and stood, but the room seemed to tilt with him. He reached for the edge of the desk, blinking hard as his thoughts began running over each other.

Too many schedules.

Too many people.

Too many things he had to remember.

Everything's changing.

Everyone was getting older.

What happens when they all get too busy?

What happens when he stops being the youngest?

What happened when things changed so much that the life he'd known stopped feeling like his anymore?

What then? What happens once half of them go to serve?

What then?

His phone buzzed somewhere on the desk, but Chan couldn't bring himself to check it. His breathing had become uneven, and he pressed a hand against his chest, trying to convince himself to calm down.

The studio door opened.

“Channie?”

Seungcheol stopped the moment he saw him.

He had come by with food, expecting to find Chan working late again, but the sight of him standing rigidly beside the desk made his expression change immediately.

“Hey, look at me.”

Chan tried.

His eyes couldn't quite settle.

“Hyung, I—”

“It's okay.” Seungcheol walked closer but stopped a short distance away. “You don't have to explain. Just look at me.”

Chan focused on his voice.

Seungcheol spoke slowly, keeping his own tone calm as he guided Chan toward the couch. Once Chan was sitting, he stayed beside him and waited until his breathing began to settle.

“That's it. Carefully take your time.”

Chan rubbed his palms against his knees, still looking confused by what had just happened.

“I don't know what happened.”

“That’s fine.”

“I was fine.”

“I know.”

“I was just working and then...” Chan swallowed, looking down. “Everything suddenly felt like too much.”

Seungcheol nodded.

“You've been working yourself pretty hard.”

“I have to.”

“No, you don't.”

Chan looked at him.

Seungcheol leaned back against the couch. “You want to work hard. That's different.”

Chan was quiet.

“I keep thinking about getting older,” he admitted, eventually.

“I'll have my own schedule. I'll be going places alone. Everyone's going to be busy with their own things, too.” Chan rubbed his thumb along the edge of the food container. “And I'm getting older.”

Seungcheol's mouth twitched. “That's usually how birthdays work.”

“Hyung.”

“Sorry.”

Chan laughed quietly, then looked down again. “I know it's stupid.”

“Its just that I thought about where everyone is at life right now and that made me think, like really think – Jeonghan hyung has his plans once he comes back, Jun hyung is always working, Mingyu barely sits down anymore, Seungkwan has been running around everywhere, and even when we're all in the same dorm, everyone's doing something different.”

He let out a small, shaky laugh.

“I'm scared I'm going to wake up one day and realize everything changed while I wasn't looking.”

Seungcheol listened until Chan finished.

“Channie, you know what happened when Jun first joined?”

Chan frowned slightly at the sudden change in subject.

“What?”

“He barely spoke Korean.”

Chan smiled a little.

“And Joshua hyung was even worse.”

That made him laugh.

“We couldn't understand them at all.”

“We survived.”

“Yes, we survived because you kept making everyone translate.”

“That was needed hyung!, we have to be a team you know.”

Seungcheol smiled. “Exactly. Things needed to change. People who came into our lives can never be the person they were before. We learned new things. We got older. We became thirteen instead of twelve, and then somehow you became the person complaining whenever someone ate your snacks.”

“That was Mingyu hyung.”

“Sure.”

Chan smiled, but Seungcheol's expression softened again.

“The point is, things changing doesn't mean they're ending.”

Chan looked down at his hands.

“You're going to have solo schedules, yes.
Soonyoung will still probably call you at the worst possible time, obviously. Seokmin will still send you long ass paragraphs, definitely and Hansol will still pretend he isn't listening when you complain. Wonwoo will probably send you a lot of photos and that will somehow make you feel like a teenager with a crush”

Chan laughed quietly.

“And we'll still be your hyungs,” Seungcheol continued. “Even when you're busy. Even when you're older. Even when you have many more solo albums with your own schedules and a hundred things going on.”

Chan's eyes grew damp again.

“What if I need you and you're busy?”

Seungcheol didn't hesitate.

“I personally think the opposite will happen, you'll probably stop answering my calls because you're too famous for me.”

That earned him a laugh.

“You know I would never hyung!”

“Good. Just checking cause I don't want to fight your manager.”

Chan smiled, but his expression softened.

“But seriously what if you're really busy?”

“Call me anyway.”

Chan looked at him.

“I can't always fix everything for you,” Seungcheol said gently. “Sometimes I'll be busy. Sometimes I won't know what to say. Sometimes I'll probably tell you to sleep because you're being ridiculous and it's three in the morning.”

Chan laughed through the last of his tears.

“But I'll still answer when I can. And if I miss it, I'll call you back.”

Seungcheol reached over and gently squeezed his shoulder.

“You don't have to be scared of growing up just because growing up means things will look different.”

Chan breathed out slowly then looked at Seungcheol.

“You really think I'll be okay?”

“I know you will.”

Chan nodded.

“Okay, I'm okay or I will be.”

Seungcheol smiled. “perfect.”

Chan leaned back against the couch, finally looking less overwhelmed than when he'd first walked into it.

After a moment, he glanced toward the food Seungcheol had brought.

“Is that for me?”

Seungcheol stared at him.

“You nearly had a panic attack ten minutes ago and that's what you're asking about?”

Chan looked sheepish.

“I haven't eaten.”

“I know that's why I brought that..”

“How? bumzu hyung snitched?”

“He doesn't need to, you're you.”

Chan smiled.

Seungcheol opened the bag and handed him the food.

“Eat before you start worrying about the next ten years.”

Chan took it, laughing softly.

For the first time that night, the schedule waiting on his laptop didn't look quite so frightening.

He still had an album to finish. He still had years ahead of him that he couldn't predict, and plenty of things would change whether he was ready for them or not.

But when Chan looked over at Seungcheol sitting beside him, he remembered something he'd been taught long before he ever understood what growing up meant.

He didn't have to know what came next.

He only had to know who he could call when it became too much.

“Don't rush in!” Seungcheol scolded him, nudging the water bottle closer when Chan choked on his food again. “We have all the time.”

͝ ⏝𝅄︶ ͝ ⏝ 𝜗𝜚 ⏝ ͝ ︶𝅄⏝ ͝

Love letter,     Can you be my lover? / Let me hold your hand.

The location for their Going Seventeen shoot was supposed to be ordinary.

At least, that was what they had been informed before they arrived at the set.

The production staff had brought them to a small traditional paper workshop tucked away from the busier parts of the city – the sort of place that looked as though it had been there for so long, Wooden shelves lined the walls, stacked with handmade paper in different colors and textures, while strings of small envelopes and wooden lockets hung from the ceiling.

There were little lockets everywhere.

Thin strings tied to small wood pieces.

Others had been folded into tiny envelopes and tucked into wooden boxes.

A few hung from the branches of an enormous old tree standing in the courtyard.

The members immediately started looking around.

“What's this place?”

“Are we actually filming here?”

Mingyu had already walked toward one of the shelves.

Seungkwan was reading the little cards displayed near the entrance aloud, occasionally stopping because Hoshi Hyung kept interrupting him.

Chan stayed a little behind the others, looking around with quiet curiosity.

The tree was the first thing that caught his attention.

It was huge.

Its trunk was thick and uneven, with branches stretching over almost the entire courtyard. Little ribbons, wooden tags, paper charms, and tiny envelopes hung from its branches, moving gently whenever the wind passed through.

A staff member noticed everyone staring.

“There's a story about this tree.”

That was enough to gather everyone around.

The staff member smiled and explained that, according to the story passed down with the place, the tree had been planted by a princess after she lost her lover to war. She had planted it as a way of leaving something behind for the person she could no longer bring home.

Over time, people began believing that the tree carried the princess's wish with it.

So now, people who came to the place could write down something they wanted to leave behind—a hope, a promise, a wish, a message for someone they loved—and place it beneath the tree.

The belief was simple.

If someone left something of themselves there with good intentions, something good would eventually find its way back to them.

The members immediately became interested.

“So we're making wishes?”

“Can I wish for money?” Hoshi asked Wonwoo.

“You're not supposed to use it like that.”

“Why not?”

“Because that's not romantic.”

“Tree Princess, I don't need romance! I need money!” he begged loudly.

Everyone laughed.

The staff showed them the little traditional paper sheets and small wooden lockets they could use.

“You can write a letter to someone and give it to them here, or you can put a message inside one of these boxes.”

Chan picked up one of the papers.

It was soft beneath his fingertips, slightly rougher than ordinary paper.

He smiled.

“I want to put a letter inside.”

“Of course you do, very sentimental.” Joshua teased nearby.

Chan laughed and found a quiet spot beneath the tree.

He sat down with the paper resting on his knee and looked around.

The others were already making their own choices.

Some were taking the activity seriously.

Others (read: Jun & Joshua) were writing ridiculous wishes and trying to peek at each other's messages.

Chan smiled at them before looking down at his own blank sheet.

The staff had said they could write anything.

It could be a wish or a message.

Something they wanted to leave behind.

Chan thought about it for a while.

Then one person came to mind.

Seungcheol.

His pen touched the paper.

Hyung,

A smile appeared on his face before he could help it.

It felt strange writing to Seungcheol when he was sitting somewhere nearby, probably arguing with someone over what to put in his own letter.

But Chan continued.

I don't think I say this enough, but I'm really glad I have you.

He thought for a moment before adding more.

I think I fell in love with all the little things about you without even realizing it – just like the way you remember the smallest things I tell you. I like hearing you call my name, I like sitting beside you in the mornings, I like it when you smile at kkuma with dimples and..

Chan paused, smiling at the memory.

I think my favorite part of any day is getting to see that smile.

His pen slowed.

The words were becoming more honest than he'd intended.

But that was what this place was for.

Leaving something of him behind.

Chan continued.

You've made so many ordinary days feel special just by being there, and I think a lot of my happiest memories have you somewhere in them.

He swallowed.

For the first time, there was no reason to erase it or pretend it wasn't true.

Sometimes I wonder if you know how much you mean to me.

He looked up from the paper.

Across the courtyard, Seungcheol was laughing at something Mingyu had said.

Chan watched him for a moment.

Then he looked back down.

I hope you do. And I hope you keep smiling with those same dimples every day.

He hesitated at the final part.. he already wrote alot, one final confession wouldn't change anything.

So he wrote what he intended:

If I could choose one person to keep beside me for a long, long time, I think I'd choose you every time.

His heart beat a little faster.

The last sentence came quietly.

I love you, I have loved you since you sat with me when I'm at my worst, I will love you the same even in the next ten years hyung.

Chan stared at it feeling a bit lighter.

Finally writing down the thing he'd never said aloud.

Chan smiled faintly at his completed letter and folded it carefully as if it's fragile like a feather.

This was what the story meant for the ones leaving something.

The quiet peace that came with knowing it's between him and the letter.

It was enough to put the words somewhere outside of himself.

Before getting up, Chan looked toward the tree.

Then he added one final thought inside his head.

I hope everyone I love gets to live happily.

He thought of his family, his hyungs,
All these people who had stayed beside him through every year.

Chan stood and walked toward the wooden wish box beneath the tree.

It was a simple box with a narrow opening at the top, already filled with folded pieces of traditional paper.

He held his letter between both hands.

Closed his eyes.

And whispered his wish out.

“I hope everyone I love gets to be happy.”

His voice was barely audible beneath the wind moving through the branches.

Then he slipped the folded letter through the opening on the ground.

Or, at least, he thought he did.

The paper caught slightly against the edge.

Chan didn't notice, he simply bowed three times for good measure with his eyes still closed.

It slipped downward, brushed against the side of the box, and landed quietly behind it instead of inside.

Chan gave the box a small pat, as though that somehow sealed his wish.

Then he returned to the others.

𝜗𝜚

The shoot continued on like normal.

There were traditional games to play, ridiculous penalties to complete, and more than enough opportunities for the members to embarrass one another on camera.

The little wish activity eventually became just another part of the day's filming.

Chan didn't think about his letter again.

As far as he was concerned, he'd left it beneath the tree, inside the wooden box.

He'd said what he wanted to say.

That was enough.

By the time they finished filming, everyone was tired.

The courtyard had become much quieter as the staff began packing cameras and equipment.

Jeonghan was helping gather some of the props they used when he noticed something behind the wish box.

A folded paper, the same kind that was given to some of them, was lying on the ground.

He frowned, It must have fallen out.

Jeonghan crouched down and picked it up.

He was about to put it inside the box when he noticed that it had been folded differently from the other papers.

There was writing on the outside when it's supposed to be inside.

Jeonghan's eyes moved over the name.

Seungcheol hyung.

He stopped.

For a moment, he simply stared while holding it.

Then he glanced toward the others.

Chan was several meters away, talking to Seokmin and laughing about something while having a drink.

Jeonghan looked back at the paper.

He could have put it into the box.

That was what Chan had intended.

But then didn't the staff have said to either put it inside or.. give the receiver who the letters were meant to be?

Chan did not put the letter inside properly, so the next option should carry on, right?

It's all fair in love and game after all.

He smiled faintly.

“Well.”

He folded the paper carefully again.

“If it's for Seungcheol…”

There was really no reason to make the universe work harder than necessary.

͝ ⏝𝅄︶ ͝ ⏝ 𝜗𝜚 ⏝ ͝ ︶𝅄⏝ ͝

+ 𝒊ᅠᅠᅠCan I call you baby? / Cause it's only you, nobody new, I put you firstᅠᅠ.

Chan is looking for his charger when he hears Seungkwan's voice coming from the kitchen.

He slows down, glancing toward the doorway. The dorm is unusually quiet for once, most of the members are either in their rooms or still out for schedules, and Chan can hear the television playing softly somewhere down the hall.

“I only noticed his crush in our teenage album era,” Seungkwan says.

“He's hopeless” he then hears jeonghan laughing.

“He's Seungcheol, what else can we do?” Both of them laugh like it's the usual gossip.

Chan, when he hears Seungcheol's name, slows down without meaning to.

The kitchen is only a few steps away, but he stays where he is, hidden by the wall, his water bottle hanging loosely from his hand.

Chan had never thought much about Seungcheol's love life.

It wasn't that he didn't care. Seungcheol was his hyung, one of the most important people in his life, and Chan wanted him to be happy just as much as he wanted that for everyone else. It was simply something they had never really talked about.

It was just something he had never heard about, so now that he's finally overhearing something, he nearly walked straight into the kitchen counter.

“I'm telling you, he's going to die single.”

Seungkwan laughed from somewhere near the table. “Nah he told me, he will confess before this month..”

“Its about time he confesses, it's been years, we can only pray now kwan!”

Chan's fingers tightened around the bottle of water in his hand.

He knew Seungcheol had dated before. He knew his hyung had received plenty of attention and that there had been people interested in him over the years, but somehow the idea that there was someone Seungcheol had genuinely loved for years felt completely different – It was such a private part of his life that Chan suddenly felt as though he had missed something important despite having spent most of his life beside him.

He backed away before either of them could notice him and returned to the hallway, pretending he had heard nothing.

The problem was that the moment he was alone, the information refused to leave his head.

Seungcheol is in love.
With someone.. who could that be?
For years.. that long?

Chan sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the floor, turning the cap of his water bottle over and over between his fingers.

He tried to imagine who it could be, but every possibility made something inside his chest sink further. He had known Seungcheol for so long that he had seen him through awkward years, debut, exhaustion, fights, celebrations, injuries, stage performances, awards, and countless ordinary days that nobody other than their thirteen would ever know about. Chan had always thought he understood the shape of Seungcheol's life.

Apparently, there was a whole piece of it he had never seen.

And perhaps the worst part was realizing how much it hurt.

Chan had known for years that his feelings for Seungcheol were not quite what they should have been.

He had never allowed himself to call it anything more than a crush because doing so made it too real – Seungcheol had always been his hyung first, the person who had looked after him when he was young, the person he called when he was frightened, the person who always seemed to know when something was wrong even before Chan said anything.

Over the years, it's pretty obvious that admiration had become affection, affection had become something warmer, and eventually Chan had simply kept it quiet.

He had also convinced himself that it didn't matter.

Seungcheol liked women and definitely had a few boyfriends. He was probably bisexual. At least, that was what Chan had always known. There had never been a reason for him to think otherwise, and Chan had never asked about his specific attraction because he didn't want to make his own feelings obvious.

So Chan had never expected anything from him.

Now, knowing Seungcheol already had someone he loved made the feelings he'd spent years keeping quiet suddenly feel much harder to ignore.

Still, if Seungcheol really loved someone, Chan wanted him to be happy.

Even if it hurts.

That night, Chan stared at Seungcheol's name on his phone for several minutes before finally calling.

The answer came quickly.

“Channie?” Came over the other line.

Chan swallowed.

“Hyung, are you busy?”

“For you? What's wrong?”

The familiar answer made Chan smile despite himself.

“You can't always stop whatever you're doing.”

Seungcheol laughed softly on the other end.
“I know. But you can always call.”

Chan rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

“Aish, hyung! I just wanted to hang out. Never mind!”

There was a brief silence.

Then Seungcheol asked, “You want me to come over?”

Chan sat up.
“No, I said nevermind—”

“I will get there in 20.”

“You are literally working hyung.”

“Okay then, getting there in 10mins.”

“You're impossible.”

Seungcheol laughed again. “I’ll pick up drinks.”

The call ended.

Chan stared at his phone.

Ten minutes later, there was a knock.

He opened the door to find Seungcheol standing there in a hoodie, hair slightly messy and looking as though he'd genuinely left whatever he had been doing the moment Chan called.

“You came.”

“You called.”

Chan stepped aside to let him in.

They settled on the floor of Chan's room with snacks between them, talking about nothing for a while – Seungcheol complained about his schedule, Chan complained about one of his choreography for his upcoming performances, and eventually the conversation drifted into the same comfortable silence they had shared for years.

Chan kept thinking about what he'd heard earlier.

Finally, he asked, “Hyung?”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Do you really like someone?”

Seungcheol went still for half a second.

Then he smiled.

“Who told you?”

“Jeonghan hyung...”

“Of course he did.”

Chan picked at the corner of a snack wrapper.

“Why haven't you told me?”

Seungcheol looked at him for a moment before answering.

“i didn't know how.”

Chan's heart sank.

“You've liked them for years and you still haven't said anything?”

“I was scared.”

Chan frowned.

“You're scared?”

“Very.”

Chan looked down at the drink again.

That answer hurt more than he expected.

Seungcheol was rarely afraid of anything when it came to taking care of the people he loved. He could walk into a room full of angry staff and defend the members without hesitation, could stand on stage in front of thousands of people without letting anyone see how nervous he was, and could somehow make Chan feel safe during moments when Chan himself didn't know what he needed.

But this someone had made him scared.

Chan swallowed.

Seungcheol noticed the change in his expression.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Chan.”

Chan shook his head and forced a smile.

“I think you should tell them.”

Seungcheol blinked.

“Them?”

“Whoever it is.”

“You think so?”

“Yes.”

“Even if they don't feel the same?”

Chan's smile became smaller.

“Then at least they'll know.”

Seungcheol watched him quietly.

Chan took a breath and continued, “You've spent so long keeping it to yourself. If you really love them, you should tell them. You deserve to know what they think too.”

There was something almost unbearably gentle in the way Seungcheol looked at him.

“You really want me to confess?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

Chan shrugged, trying to make it seem easy.

“Because you're my hyung. I want you to be happy.”

Seungcheol looked down at his hands.

“Okay.”

Chan brightened immediately.
“Really?”

Seungcheol laughed under his breath.
“If you're going to help me?”

“Yes, I will hyung.”

“You're very confident for someone who doesn't know who I'm talking about.”

Chan paused.

“Then tell me.”

“You really don't have a clue huh?..maybe you should ask first.”

Chan thought about it before finally asking.

“Fine. Who is it?”

Seungcheol looked at him.

For a moment, Chan wondered if he was finally going to hear the name.

Instead, Seungcheol smiled in that secretive way.

“Someone we have known for a very long time.”
Chan's chest tightened again, but he nodded.

I don't want to really think about it, it could be someone i still know.. worst if it's one of the other hyungs.

“Whoever it is, I'll still help you hyung.”

And he meant it.

In the next week, when Seungcheol told Chan that he's planning to confess this month, Chan became Seungcheol's reluctant confession consultant, despite having absolutely no idea that every piece of advice he gave was heard attentively by his hyung.

“Take them to a seafood restaurant,” Chan suggested one evening, scrolling through his phone as he showed Seungcheol a picture.

“It's trending right now. I went there myself and loved the place! It's quiet too, so you can actually talk without everyone around.”

Seungcheol leaned closer to look at the screen, his shoulder brushing Chan's.

“You went there with who?”

“Some of the camera crew.”

“Okay..”

Chan looked up. “Why?”

“I just wanted to know if you had a good time there.”

“Well I did!, this place is really nice. You should take them here.” Chan zoomed in on the picture, completely serious about the matter. “And don't just pick somewhere because it's popular. Pick somewhere you think they'll like.”

Seungcheol smiled. “You think I don't know what they like?”

“I don't know, hyung. You've apparently been keeping this secret for years. Maybe you're terrible at romance.”

“Maybe I am.”

Chan laughed. “Yes you are, so listen to me.”

A few days later, when Seungcheol asked him what he should get that person,
Chan advised him holding a bouquet, “Give them flowers, hyung.”

Seungcheol stared at the flowers.

“Flowers?”

“Obviously.” Chan held them out as though this were the most obvious thing in the world. “Everyone loves flowers. Even I do.”

That made Seungcheol's expression soften.

“What kind would you want?”

Chan looked at him, caught slightly off guard by the question.

“For them?”

“For them.”

Chan thought about it before pointing toward the bouquet. “Something simple. Don't make it too dramatic. Just enough to tell them you thought about them before you came.”

Seungcheol took the bouquet from him.

“So tulips huh?”

Chan didn't notice the way Seungcheol's fingers tightened slightly around the stems.

Later, when Seungcheol was still overthinking how to actually ask the person out, Chan groaned and took the phone from his hands.

“Hyung, you're making this way too complicated.”

“I don't know what to say.”

“Then don't make it complicated. Just ask them to meet you.”

“Where?”

“Somewhere you two can be alone.”

Seungcheol raised an eyebrow. “Alone?”
“Yes.” Chan nodded enthusiastically. “That's what makes it romantic.”

“Romantic?”

“Obviously! Don't just text, ‘Are you free?’ and then disappear. Tell them you want to see them. Give them something to look forward to.”

Seungcheol watched him for a moment.

“What would you say?”

Chan considered it seriously.

“Maybe...” He took the phone back and typed for a few seconds before turning the screen around. “Something like, ‘Are you free this weekend? I'd like to take you somewhere.”

Seungcheol read it.

Then he looked at Chan.

“You think that's romantic?”

Chan nodded. “Very.”

“And if they say yes?”

“Then you take them somewhere nice, give them the flowers, tell them how you feel, and stop being a coward.”

Seungcheol laughed.

“You've really thought this through.”

“Of course I have. I want you to confess properly.”

Seungcheol looked at him for a long moment, the amusement slowly fading into something much softer.

“I think I will.”

Chan smiled, though there was something sad behind it that he didn't let reach his voice.

“Good. You deserve to have a perfect confession so that they cannot reject you.”

Not that anyone would be stupid enough to reject you hyung, you're literally a perfect man.

He didn't realize that Seungcheol wasn't looking at the message anymore.

𝜗𝜚

That night, after Seungcheol left, Chan lay awake for a long time staring at the ceiling.

He hated that he was jealous.

He hated that part of him wished Seungcheol's mysterious person didn't exist.

Most of all, he hated that he couldn't stop helping.

Because Seungcheol had spent years being there for him. If Chan could do one thing for him now, even if it broke his own heart a little, he wanted to make sure Seungcheol got the happiness he deserved.

The following weekend arrived sooner than Chan expected.

Seungcheol had been strangely quiet all morning.

Chan assumed he was nervous.

“You'll be fine,” he told him while he was getting ready to leave.

Seungcheol glanced at him.

“You think so?”

“Of course, I know so.”

“You're not coming?”

Chan laughed.

“Hyung, it's your date.”

“I know.”

“Then you should go.”

Seungcheol looked at him for a moment before smiling.

“Okay.”

Chan watched him leave.

He tried not to wonder if they were going to sit at that window table he recommended, where it's perfect for couples to overlook the sky.

He tried not to imagine Seungcheol sitting across from someone else at the restaurant, handing them flowers, telling them everything he had been too afraid to say.

He tried not to imagine that person's expression when Seungcheol finally confessed.

He tried not to think about what would happen afterward.

He failed at all three.

That evening, his phone buzzed.

A message from Seungcheol.
Are you home?

Chan stared at it.

He typed back.
Yeah hyung, Why?

The reply came quickly.
Come outside.

Chan frowned.

When he opened the front door, Seungcheol was standing there with a bouquet of tulips still in his hands.

Chan blinked.
“Hyung?”

Seungcheol smiled.

“Come with me.”

“Where?”

“Where else? That jiang restaurant of course.”

Chan stared at him.

“I don't- hyung what?”

“The plans were to go to that restaurant you recommended.”

Chan's heart dropped.

“You... went there?”

“No silly, I'm hoping to do all the things you told me and then get there.”

“With them?”

Seungcheol smiled.

“Of course, with them? With you? Same thing channie.” he smiled teasingly for getting the perfect reaction he wanted.

Chan stopped breathing for a moment.

“What?”

“I asked you to meet me this weekend.”

Chan looked at him, confused.

“You asked me to come outside.” He said it slowly as if trying to make sense of it “But I thought you were supposed to meet them.”

“That's the plan right?”

Chan's confusion only deepened.

“Then..so where are they? Right now?”

Seungcheol's expression softened.

“Right now? they are in front of me.”

Chan stared at him.

The words took a few seconds to settle.

Then another few seconds.

Then everything he'd said over the past few weeks came rushing back at once.

Tell them you want to spend time with them.

Give them flowers.

Take them somewhere nice.

Tell them how you feel.

Chan looked down at the bouquet in Seungcheol's hands.

“Hyung...”

“I've been trying to tell you for years.”

Chan's eyes widened.

“No way.”

Seungcheol laughed softly, though there was nervousness beneath it.

“Yes way.”

Seungcheol stepped closer, still leaving enough space between them for Chan to decide whether he wanted to stay.

“I didn't tell you because I was scared of losing what we already have,” he admitted. “You've always trusted me.. I didn't want my feelings to make you uncomfortable or make you think you couldn't come to me anymore but when Jeonghan came to give me that letter last week, I knew the answer for sure.”

“What letter..?”

“The one you wrote in our goose set..”

“Oh my god, did you really read that all??”
Chan's eyes began to sting.

“Yes, was that all that you liked about me?”
Seungcheol smiled.

Chan looked away, overwhelmed, “Those were my favourite..”

“That you love my dimples, me with kkuma, wanting me beside you, that's so domestic right..?”

“Of course, I meant all that..”

Chan laughed weakly through the tears threatening to fall. “I spent weeks helping you plan a date with me not knowing it was me.”

Chan covered his face with both hands.

“This is so embarrassing.”

Seungcheol gently caught one of his wrists and lowered his hands.

“As much as that letter was cheesy, it was nothing embarrassing channie.”

A smile slowly appeared on Seungcheol's face.

“But I really need to know how long?” he teased.

Chan laughed softly, embarrassed.

“Just kiss me already damn it!”

A laugh escapes Seungcheol.

“You're impatient.”

“I've been waiting for years.”

That wipes the teasing expression from Seungcheol's face.

He looks at Chan for a moment, then gently reaches for his waist.

“Are you sure?”

Chan nods, even tilling his head closer.

It's so cute how impatient he is.

The kiss starts out as a peck then Chan’s hand is sliding to cup Seungcheol's jaw, pulling him down, tilting his head just the right way as his mouth moves slower against his, lips parting whenever Seungcheol hands his hip harder and catching in unhurried pulls. When they finally break apart, his impatient expression has melted into a smile.

“There,” Seungcheol murmurs.

Chan considers it.

“Better.”

“Are you satisfied now?”

Chan looks at the tulips, then at Seungcheol’s reddened lips greedily.

“For now.”

Seungcheol laughs.

“Good. Because we're going to be late for dinner.”

Chan slips his hand back into Seungcheol's.

“Then hurry up, hyung. You already wasted enough time.”

͝ ⏝𝅄︶ ͝ ⏝ 𝜗𝜚 ⏝ ͝ ︶𝅄⏝ ͝