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matthew didn't think it would mean anything to him, let alone mean anything to hanbin.
the memory kept coming back to matthew in fragments, he felt his stomach churn with a feeling he could not put a label whenever it comes to his hyung.
it was the day of their 'BLUE' music video filming, hanbin and matthew were informed by the director to portray a scene of them fighting one another;
hanbin burst out laughing in matthew's face as he heard this.
"no seriously! how could i ever fight my mashu, just look at him" hanbin squished matthew's cheeks in his hands as he proudly showed him off to the staff, it was nothing out of the ordinary.
it was until the whole point of the scene began blurring between what's reality and what's fiction; the director yelled 'action!' and matthew saw a shift in hanbin's gaze unlike one he'd never seen before.
he was just a good actor, right?
matthew shoved hanbin lightly to which he mirrored the action, it was a couple of takes of them pushing one another around over and over.
he ended up shoving hanbin a little too hard; but before he could apologise for it,
the camera kept rolling as hanbin cornered matthew, resulting in his back hitting the bollard.
matthew felt like he was suffocating, between being trapped under hanbin's gaze and his arm it almost felt like too much to bare.
then, hanbin got even closer; his lips were mere centimetres away from matthew's own,
his gaze faltered.
matthew caught a glimpse of hanbin staring right at his lips, then back at his eyes.
"hanbin hyu-"
"CUT!!!" yelled the director.
hanbin pulled back immediately, so fast that it left matthew dizzy.
"whoo! thank you director-nim, thank you everyone. mashu see, we did so well?" he clapped and smiled as he spoke.
was.. hanbin acting dense on purpose, or does he have no idea he looked like he was about to kiss matthew infront of everyone?
hanbin wraps an arm around matthew as they begin reviewing the footage, playing with his fingers as he smiles.
"ooh! look how good we did there baby, it kinda looks like we are about to kiss, doesn't it?" hanbin plays off his words with a laugh, unable to realise the way matthew's body stiffens; to which he masks with a laugh.
"oh yeah hyung! it um.. does, doesn't it?" matthew almost feels a little annoyed, okay. so hanbin does realise it looks like they were gonna kiss, but what could that even mean?
i mean sure there's a playful banter amongst all the members, matthew himself being the main perpetrator of creating his own harem in zerobaseone but come on! this seems a little much, even for him.
it shouldn't even bother him like this, hanbin is his best friend. the reliable, gentle, playful and loving hyung he always has been, of course he's never forgotten anything hanbin has done for him but... he's his friend; nothing more.
matthew lied, he thinks he has a fat crush on sung hanbin and it's genuinely pissing him off..
"seokmae-yah! do you wanna hang out in hyung's room tonight? you seem a little distracted recently, maybe we can talk about it?" hanbin catches up to matthew after they've finished practicing for the evening.
matthew usually would never say no to some down-time with hanbin, however..
"hambinnie hyung don't worry about me! when have i ever been distracted, plus i was gonna go get some dinner with gyuvinie tonight; i mean you are welcome to join us but i wouldn't wanna disturb your rest time." matthew blurts out an excuse, he infact has no plans with gyuvin but surely he's not busy on a random thursday night after practice.
"gyuvinie? i thought he was going out with ricky and yujin today." hanbin's face almost deflates.
damn you kim gyuvin, the ONE time you wanna be jobles-
he takes a deep breath before continuing, "nevermind then hyung, i'd love to hang out with you!" matthew said reluctantly, he couldn't bare to see hanbin look so down over his refusal.
"let's go mashu!" hanbin takes matthew's hand in his own and practically drags him to his room.
matthew felt an impending sense of doom in his chest, worried he would mess things up between him and hanbin because of his own inner complex.
yet, when the bedroom lights dimmed; leaving only hanbin's bedside table lamp illuminating the room paired with the random youtube video playing on his laptop,
things didn't seem so bad at all anymore.
hanbin feels matthew's body begin to relax as he massages the younger boy's shoulder lightly, he looks down to face matthew who's slowly sunken his body into hanbin's chest.
"matthew, will you tell hyung what's been bothering you now?" hanbin's voice feels like honey to matthew's ears as he sighs.
he shifts his body to face hanbin directly, the light from the lamp shining onto both of their bare faces, causing matthew's words to get caught in his throat.
"hanbin-hyong it's just... there are some things between us, things that i don't seem to understand. and it never bothered me, i never had a reason to want to understand anything; i just always allowed things to be as they are but.."
"but what is it, baby?" hanbin tilts his head softly as he carresses matthew's cheek lightly with his thumb.
"that." matthew cuts through the tension between them, pushing away from hanbin's touch.
"that, hyung. whatever you are doing right now and, and all of the petnames you call me, the friendship rings, all the times i have felt so gravitated towards you simply because you are you." he puts hanbin's hand down from his face and shifts his body slightly backwards.
"seokmae-yah..." hanbin's voice comes out as a whisper, he doesn't dare to turn his gaze away from matthew; afraid he would taint his vulnerable emotions.
"hanbin hyung, why do you always look at me like you're in love with me?"
there, it's out.
matthew can't do anything about it anymore, while hanbin feels the air has been knocked out of his lungs,
matthew scoffs at his own presumed stupidity, "i should've known. i'm sorry hanbin hyung, i know i misinterpreted things and this probably is so weird for you in this moment isn't it. your best friend of four years suddenly talking about romantic feel-"
hanbin's body acts before his brain can catch up, he presses a light kiss to the corner of matthew's mouth; narrowly missing his lips on purpose.
matthew freezes up in shock, is this even real?
"stop assuming things, mashu... who told you that i feel weirded out? and who told you it wasn't true?"
"that.. what isn't true?" matthew's heart is hammering in his chest; hanbin only smiles as he cups matthew's face in his hand habitually.
"who told you that i'm not in love with you?" hanbin feels like a burden has been lifted from his chest, he takes a breath before continuing,
"matthew, do you even know how many times i've found myself smiling randomly because of you without you even realising it? sometimes, i hear a song that reminds me of you; that's another smile. maybe your favourite snacks, something mint chocolate flavoured and i think of you and i. don't you understand it baby? i see you in every little thing, how could i possibly not be in love with you?"
this time, matthew is the one left utterly speechless as the only thing he can do is shy his face away and punch hanbin lightly on the arm.
"ow! seokmae.. what was that for?!" hanbin teases
"no hambin-hyong! i think you deserve many more where those came from, how could you not tell me all those things? i thought i was crazy and you know worst of all, the reason i went down the entire trajectory of our relationship and this rabbit hole was all because of when we had to 'fake-fight' for our music video filming a while back, i've felt crazy since then and, and. hyung! why didn't you just kiss me then??" matthew blurts out, his words unable to catch up with his mind.
hanbin's gaze shifts slowly as he inches closer, "mattchu, you wanted me to kiss you in front of our entire staff department?"
matthew's a little startled by the proximity but he doesn't pull away, infact; he maintains their closeness proudly.
"well.. no but, but what if i did want that hyung, would you have done such a thing?" his voice shakes slightly at the suggestion, but matthew doesn't back away.
"hm, you know i really did want to kiss you then, but if i had..."
matthew sighs, "what's with the guessing games today hyung, if you had kissed me, then what?"
"then i wouldn't have been able to do this right now."
hanbin finally closes the distance between them, the lingering tension in the air subsiding as their lips collide with one another.
the kiss is gentle at first, as hanbin takes the lead; but matthew can't seem to settle for that. something about his hyung always makes him crave more, and more and more.
he wraps his fingers around hanbin's shoulders as hanbin's hands find matthew's waist; deepening the kiss between them.
matthew whines, feeling the need to pull back for some air but hanbin seems unable to let go of him, mirroring matthew's previous desire of being unable to control how much he has craved this moment.
hanbin eventually pulls back softly, keeping his forehead brushed up against matthew's as he breathes heavily.
"hanbin hyung.. you know," he presses a light kiss to hanbin's nose, then his cheek, then the edge of his jawline which matthew successfully gets a reaction out of hanbin from; "i could get used to this."
"this?"
"us, hyung. you and i, like this."
hanbin smiles softly at matthew, his matthew.
"me too, seokmae-yah.." hanbin carresses the side of matthew's shoulder reassuringly.
and before they knew it, time was a concept long forgotten to hanbin and matthew of that night.