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Jihoon and Soonyoung has been together for years. It may have happened years ago, but the memory of Soonyoung asking him out the first time they met and him agreeing too soon because he thought it would be fun was still fresh in his memory. They went to the same high school and university and managed to work in places that are two blocks apart. When they started studying for Uni which was far from their hometowns, they decided to live together in this shared apartment. When they found jobs, they decided that the studio type apartment was too small for the two of them, so they moved in to a bigger one in the city.
Jihoon and Soonyoung.
They've been Jihoon and Soonyoung for a long time. He won't be Jihoon without Soonyoung, and Soonyoung won't be himself without Jihoon. They were inseparable, so when they broke up, their circle of friends, family, and even acquaintances were shocked.
Eight years and five months. Their almost nine years relationship all flushed to nothingness.
Soonyoung goes home to their shared apartment, not bothering to say hello to Jihoon. He has been like that since they came home from the trip they went to for their eighth anniversary as a couple. He couldn't pin point the exact date, but it was along those times when Soonyoung started giving him the cold shoulder. Jihoon couldn't take it anymore. He misses Soonyoung. He misses him so much. After Soonyoung changed clothes, he went to the kitchen. He reheats the leftover food in the fridge and sits afterwards. In the middle of having the meal, Jihoon takes the seat across him. Jihoon looked at Soonyoung with sad eyes. Soonyoung saw it, but he pretended he didn't. Jihoon starts the talk.
"We were so happy then, Soonyoung. What happened?"
Soonyoung looks up from his food to see the same sad look in Jihoon's eyes. He managed a shrug and resumed eating. Jihoon becomes even more frustrated. He hates this. He hates that the Soonyoung he knew was changing. He couldn't keep it in.
"Why?" Jihoon asks. Soonyoung froze. Those words rung in his head. He takes a deep breath and looks at Jihoon's sad eyes with his cold ones.
"It's not working anymore, Jihoon." It was Jihoon's turn to be frozen. He said his name as if he was a complete stranger. What happened to Jihoonie? To Hoonie bae? To Jagi? What's not working anymore? Jihoon asks himself. Soonyoung's cold stare and words pierced through his heart, and the wound it created was pretty deep. Soonyoung lets go of his chopsticks and speaks once again.
"It burned out."
Jihoon's heart beats even faster. His judgement was now very cloudy, but he asks.
"What burnt out, Soonyoung?" Jihoon laughs at himself. Soonyoung's name, it sounded so foreign. Soonyoung heaves a sigh.
"My love, Jihoon. It's burnt out."
Jihoon was so frustrated. All those eight years, it now meant nothing to you? But he didn't have the courage to ask. He closes his eyes. Soonyoung swore he saw a drop of year fall from his eye, but he pretended not to see it again. Jihoon opens his eyes, puts his hands together and says the words he never knew he'd regret.
"Fine. Let's break up then." Please don't break up with me, I love you so much. Jihoon thinks to himself.
Jihoon said it in a challenging voice, with much conviction, but Soonyoung can see the pleading in his eyes. Still, Soonyoung smiled and picked up his plates.
"Okay."
Jihoon sat there, frozen. He couldn't mutter a single word. He watched Soonyoung's back as he washed the used dishes. After washing it and putting it to place, Soonyoung looks at Jihoon one more time.
"Thanks for making it easy. It was fun while it lasted." Soonyoung said in a rather sincere tone, not in a mocking one that Jihoon expected. When he heard the door of their spare bedroom close, Jihoon couldn't keep it in. He cried and cried, but he knew crying won't do him any good, so he proceeds to the room he used to share with Soonyoung. He hugs the pillow Soonyoung used. He remembers the scent. He then scolds himself for being stubborn, and eventually lulled into sleep.
He woke up the next day with breakfast served in the kitchen. He smiles, but he remembered that he broke up with Soonyoung last night. He felt worried. He ran to the spare bedroom, he checked the bathroom. The only trace of Soonyoung was the pillow Jihoon hugged last night and the gifts he gave to Jihoon. All his clothes, his papers, his things, they were gone. Jihoon goes back to the kitchen. Beside the breakfast platter Soonyoung made was the couple ring they bought for their second anniversary. A wave of realizations hits Jihoon.
Soonyoung is gone.
And there will never be Jihoon and Soonyoung ever again.
Or so he thought.
It was a few days after Jihoon and Soonyoung's ninth anniversary. Jihoon felt so foolish for he celebrated it even if he shouldn't. It became a part of his system, celebrating that day. Even if he won't admit it, Soonyoung's scent, his smile, his cheerful laughter, it never left Jihoon's memory.
Jihoon was currently staying at his parents' home since he took a leave. He was eating spicy rice cakes as he watched some drama on the TV when he hears a soft knock on the door. His mother goes to the door and goes back with a box and a letter in hand. Jihoon gives his mother a questioning look. His mom sits beside him and reads the recipient.
"To: Lee Jihoon. Oh! The box also said the same! Jihoon it's for you!"
Jihoon thinks of possible reasons to receive a package, but he couldn't think of any.
"From Hoshi. Hmm. . . I'm sure I heard that name before. Jihoon, who's Hoshi?"
Jihoon's eyes goes wide opened. He snatches the package and mail from his mother's hands and goes to his room. When he was sure he locked the door, he looked at the average sized box and mail that laid on his bed. He took a deep breath and sat on his bed. Hoshi. When was the last time he heard that? It was a nickname Soonyoung used.
"Hoshi. It means star in japanese." A high schooler Soonyoung explains to Jihoon. Jihoon smiles.
"Use it. That name, I mean. It suits you."
For you are like a star that shines in my darkest nights.
After their breakup, Jihoon realizes that Soonyoung is really like a star. He was beautiful to look at, but hurts when comes in contact with. Most importantly, Soonyoung's love is like a star too, it runs out of gas, it burns out. It was worth it though, trying to reach the star. The temporary bliss was enough to outweigh the pain.
Jihoon shook his head. Now wasn't the time for second thoughts. He said to himself that after their "anniversary", he'd learn to stop his feelings for the man. He's still not ready to open the mail and package, for he was scared that it would be filled with things that reminded him of Soonyoung, and words that might pierce his heart. His heart has had enough, and it was still weak. Still, he kept the mail and package well hidden. He brought it to his new apartment when his leave was over. He placed it in his bed side table, and eventually forgot about it.
Two months later, Jihoon searches his house for his flash drive, and he eventually stumbled upon the mail and package. He thought he has forgotten about the man, but the mere sight of the mail made thousands of memories appear before his eyes. He momentarily forgot about the flash drive, and he puts out the box and mail. He takes a deep breath and makes up his mind. This mail could contain the closure he needed, and maybe that'll help him move on.
"It's now or never. Lee Jihoon."
Jihoon gets his letter opener and musters his courage. What he saw was nostalgic. It was the snail mail Soonyoung insisted they'd write for their eight anniversary. He felt tears starting to pool by his eyes just by looking at it.
For their eight anniversary, Soonyoung and Jihoon went on a road trip to a province which is about a seven hour car ride from Seoul. When they arrived there, the long hours of driving were worth it.
The sea can be seen by the road. Soonyoung decided to stop the car for a moment. Jihoon and Soonyoung went out to admire the beautiful view. They can smell the ocean from where they stand. Jihoon closes his eyes as he felt the air blow against his face. Soonyoung looked at Jihoon, and he swore Jihoon looked ethereal. He watched as Jihoon's eyelashes moves every time Jihoon opened and closed his eyes. He saw how Jihoon's lips slightly parted. Jihoon looks at Soonyoung and smiles. This memory was etched at the back of Soonyoung's mind, and it doesn't plan on leaving any time soon. Soonyoung holds Jihoon's hands, intertwines it with his. Soonyoung takes a deep breath, as if taking in the air one last time, before gesturing to the car.
They arrived at a small town. Well, it's not really small, but it is smaller than Seoul. Everyone moves in a just pace, unlike the busy streets of the city. It's as if everyone here wants to take their time in this place. Soonyoung pulls Jihoon inside a church. Since it was a Wednesday, only the cleaning personnel were there. Soonyoung walks with Jihoon hand in hand down the aisle and stops in front of the altar. Soonyoung looks at the cross that was there. Soonyoung closes his eyes and Jihoon does the same. Soonyoung held Jihoon's hands tightly, and Jihoon returns the gesture. After their short prayers, they happily walked out the church.
On the way to the beach, Soonyoung stops the car in front of a building. Soonyoung's eyes went wide with excitement. He then walks out the car and gestures Jihoon to come out too. Jihoon smiled at Soonyoung's giddiness.
"I can't believe it! It really does exist!" Soonyoung says happily. Jihoon just looked at Soonyoung.
"This post office for snail mails, those that takes about a year to come to your recipient. Wow." Soonyoung looks at Jihoon.
"I don't know, Soonyoung, but your the first person I ever knew that is rather happy that the mail you sent will be received a year later." Jihoon says with little amusement in his voice. Soonyoung held his hands and stares at the building.
"I don't know, it just sounds. . . Romantic. Maybe that's it." Jihoon laughed at his boyfriend's cheesiness, but they decided to send mails for each other anyways.
Jihoon took a deep breath and opens the mail. His eyes scanned the paper in his hand. Along with it was a postcard from where they went. He starts crying already because of the memories with it, but he held it in for he needs to find his closure. With shaky hands, he brought the letter closer to his face and starts reading.
Dearest Jihoon,
Along with his letter is a box. Don't open it yet! Listen to what I have to say first, Okay?
Jihoonie, I love you. I love you so much.
"Liar." Jihoon says as he tried to hold back his sobs.
By the time you receive this (if it really takes a year before you'll receive this), I may have acted cold towards you, or we could've broken up.
Jihoon lets out a bitter smile, but continued reading.
If that's the case, I would like to ask for your forgiveness. I know you love me, and I love you, believe me, I really do, but we can't be together.
Jihoon noticed the dried tears from this part of the letter. He touched it before he goes back to reading.
I'm sorry, Hoonie. I can't be with you forever. I'm sorry if I kept a secret from you.
I'm dying.
I'm dying, and I can't do anything about it.
The reason why we migrated to our town is because my parents wanted me to experience fresh air and a life different from what I have been used to.
I grew up in a hospital room. I spent my years going in and out of there. I was homeschooled. When we moved to our town, it was because the doctors said I got better. We moved for a new life.
We moved away from the city to forget. They said I was better. Everyone thought I was better.
But it turns out they were wrong.
My sickness, it haunted me even when I went to our town. And it got worse when we entered the uni.
I didn't feel it at first though. I was happy to be free from those beeping machines, the needles, the smell of chlorine and alcohol. But what made me happiest is you. I met you, and suddenly, I felt so healthy, I felt so alive. My weak heart, it started to beat so fast.
Knowing that there is a chance that my sickness would return, I took the chance. There and then, I asked you out. You agreed because you thought it would be fun. You were right, it was fun. It was fun and it was everything good in life. I told myself, this is love. I'm in love with Lee Jihoon.
Jihoon's grip on the paper went tighter. He felt the paper slightly get wrinkled because of what he did. His tears streamed down his face, some falling on the paper in the process.
And you loved me, and I couldn't be happier.
We're not as perfect as everyone thought we were, but you're perfect. You're the most perfect person on earth. Our relationship didn't last long just because we fit with each other well. We had our fair share of fights because of our similarities, and because of our differences, but it always worked out because I love you and You love me. But if we really broke up by this point, please know that I really love you. I never stopped.
Knowing me, I'd probably give a lame reason like my feelings burnt out, or this relationship isn't working anymore, but it's not true. And I'm sorry for lying to you. You probably hate me now because I may have acted like a douche. I'm sorry, I lied.
Before we went on this trip, I collapsed in the office. You didn't know because I begged my officemates to not let it get to you. I'm sorry, I lied about the quick business trip. I was in the hospital the whole time. The doctor told me I only have less than a year to live, and the chances of me being saved by surgery is less than 30 percent. After that, I made up my mind. I'll make the most of my days. But I don't want you to be sad because of my death, so I will make you angry at me so you won't cry even when I die. I know I'm selfish, I'm sorry.
By the time you're reading this, I maybe back in the same hospital room. I'll be contemplating whether I should do the surgery or not, or probably reminiscing my life. So before I die, please open the box I gave you.
Jihoon sniffs, and slowly reaches for the box. He opens it and finds a velvet box with a ring inside. Jihoon wants to break down, but he wants to hear Soonyoung's side. He gathered all his remaining strength and continued reading.
Hoonie bae, I don't think I'll be able to marry you in this life, so in our next life, will you marry me?
I know it's absurd. We don't even know if afterlife or reincarnation is true, but let's pretend that next lives exist. If so, will you marry me then?
I love you so much, Lee Jihoon. Thanks for making the rest of my days happy.
I love you.
Yours,
Kwon Soonyoung.
Jihoon cried as he clutched the paper close to his heart. He was a crying mess. He looked at the box and tried to calm himself.
Soonyoung laid on his hospital bed. His cheeks, which used to be chubby, now skinny. His skin is pale, his lips dry. The bags under his eyes aren't any better. His blonde hair was dyed back to black before he was confined. Soonyoung was rereading his and Jihoon's old messages with a soft smile plastered on his face. His reading was interrupted by a soft knock on his door. His gaze shifted to the person who stood there. He smiles. He sits. He was too weak, but he tries to speak.
"Hello, mom. What brings you here?" Soonyoung asks. His mother smiles and sits on the chair beside Soonyoung's bed. He then held Soonyoung's hand and plants a soft kiss on his forehead.
"I just wanted to visit you, that's all." Soonyoung's mom stared at him with such loving eyes. Her eyes suddenly sparked as if she remembered something.
"Oh, right! A mail came in last last month? I just saw it last week because it was sent to our home back in the province. We brought it here when we came from home. It looked really important." Soonyoung's mom rummages through her bag and hands the mail. Soonyoung looks at the mail and looks shocked for a moment. Soonyoung then smiles. His mother excuses herself and went outside to buy something to eat for them.
Soonyoung recognizes the familiar paper. The memory of their trip filled his mind. He starts opening the mail. He runs his hand over the familiar handwriting. With utmost care, he held the paper and brought it closer to his face and starts reading.
Dear Soonyoung,
I'll keep it short.
Thank you for being my star.
Thank you for loving me despite my imperfections.
I don't really know what to write, but I just want you to know how much you mean to me.
You. You're the most beautiful view. You shone the brightest amidst the dark sky. You help me find who I really am. I don't know how long we'll stay together, for the world is full of uncertainties, but if our relationship comes to an end, please know that I won't stop loving you. You may come to love another, but I won't. You'll always have my heart.
I don't want us to end! I don't know why, but when I think of us breaking up, I don't know how I'll survive. Who will remind me watch my caffeine intake? Who will cook breakfast for me so that I'll be encouraged to wake up early? How about you? Who will limit your sugar intake? Man, you're so hard to handle when you're sugar high you know. Who will be my black knight every night out with friends? You know I have low alcohol tolerance.
I don't want us to end, but if ever we do, please know that I love you.
Thank you for every time I'd shout at the world, you'd hug me and tell me everything's gonna be fine. Thank you because I know eve if the world turns its back on me, you'd be by my side. I know you'd stay.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Kwon Soonyoung.
I love you.
Yours,
Lee Jihoon
Soonyoung smiles through his tears. He neatly folds the paper back to its envelope and hugs it afterwards. He closes his eyes as he tries to hold back his sobs. In a small voice, he says what his heart wants to say.
"I-I'm sorry, Jihoon. I love you. I l-love you so much."
"P-pabo yah. . ."
Soonyoung snaps his eyes wide open. He then laughs to himself. In front of him, he saw a brown haired Lee Jihoon, crying his eyes out. His hair was a mess, but he was the most beautiful person Soonyoung has ever seen.
"Is it my time already? Why am I hallucinating? Aigoo. . ." Soonyoung hits his chest softly thrice. "Not now, heart. Mom isn't even here yet." He then weakly laughs as tears continued falling down his face. Without any second thoughts, Jihoon came to him and hugged him tight.
"I'm not your hallucination, pabo." Jihoon said between his sobs. He pulled away from the hug and pulled out the velvet box. Soonyoung recognizes the box and smiles.
"Kwon Soonyoung, in the next life, even in the life after that, even if the world ends, Yes. I'll marry you. I'd marry you now if you want? And if the Lord lets me, I'd find you in every life, and I'd marry you. If he will make me choose, I'd always choose you. I'd choose you in a heartbeat."
Jihoon gives the box to Soonyoung. The other gave him a confused look. Jihoon smiles.
"Pabo. You should put the ring on me." Soonyoung and Jihoon laughs. Soonyoung gets the ring from the box and offers his other hand, which Jihoon gladly takes.
"In our next life, or in another universe, let's find each other. In that universe, let's not leave each other. Let's not keep secrets. Let's stay together." Soonyoung kisses Jihoon's hand and puts the ring on Jihoon's ring finger. He then intertwines their fingers together and he gently pulls Jihoon to make him lean closer to him. He leans forward as well, and their lips met. It was a soft, slow kiss. It was a kiss full of longing, of frustration, of love. It was a kiss full of sadness and bliss, but it was a kiss that bids goodbye. Soonyoung breaks the kiss and talks.
"Jagi, can you do me a favor?" Soonyoung said in a weak voice. Jihoon replies with a hum and a nod. Jihoon made Soonyoung lie down on his bed again and he starts playing with the strands of Soonyoung's jet black hair.
"Jagi, c-can I rest now? I'm tired. P-please tell mom I'm sorry, I won't b-be able to eat with her anymore." Jihoon muffles his sobs with his hands, but he slowly nods his head. Soonyoung gave him a smile. He reaches for Jihoon's face and wipes his tears away. He caresses Jihoon's cheek. Jihoon held Soonyoung's hand, lets it rest on his face. He feels its warmth for a while.
"Even with messy hair and crying face, you're still the most beautiful."
After a few moments, a flat line appeared on the heartbeat monitoring machine, and Soonyoung's warmth was gone.
A seventy year old Jihoon sat on his wheelchair by the balcony of his home. After he retired, he moves to the place where he celebrated their eighth anniversary. Even from his balcony, he can see the view of the sea. He watched the night sky and the stars. He feels his heartbeat getting slower. He then looks at the letter and his ring. He takes the ring off and places it on his palm. His hand that held the ring formed a fist. He kisses his hand one more time and brings the letter and his hand close to his heart. thousand memories appeared before his eyes. Soonyoung's laughter, his scent, his smile, his warmth. He closed his eyes and felt the wind blow against his face. Suddenly, he felt a warm, comforting air surround him. For the last time in this life, Jihoon smiles.
"See you soon, Jagi."
And Jihoon was finally at peace.