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Maya woke to the steady beep of a monitor.
She didn’t open her eyes, not immediately anyway. She was warm. Too warm, probably, although she couldn't really convince herself to care. Something was pressed beneath her head, she could feel something against her face, and there was a persistent hiss of air that made her nose itch.
Her throat hurt.
Everything hurt, actually.
She shifted slightly and immediately regretted it as a sharp ache shot through her left arm.
That made her open her eyes.
White ceiling.
Hospital.
She stared at it for a moment, trying to remember how she'd gotten there.
There had been a fire, smoke and someone yelling. Then-
A frown crossed her face, nothing after that.
“Hey.”
Maya turned her head.
Carina was sitting beside the bed, her phone abandoned in her lap. Her hair was slightly messy, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes that Maya was fairly certain hadn't been there this morning.
Or maybe they had.
Time felt strange.
“Hi,” Maya mumbled.
Carina's expression immediately softened. “Hi.”
“What happened?”
Carina hesitated. “You were at a building fire.”
“That’s my job.” The blonde said, brows furrowing.
“You were injured.”
Maya looked down at herself.
There was a cast, her arm secured against her body in a sling. An IV was taped to the other hand. There were several wires disappearing beneath the hospital gown, and a pulse oximeter clipped to one finger.
She stared at all of it. “Huh.”
“Huh?” Carina repeated.
“That's a lot of stuff.”
Carina let out a quiet laugh. “You have a concussion.”
“Oh.”
“You also have a fractured arm. And you inhaled quite a bit of smoke.”
Maya nodded slowly. “That explains this.” She touched the oxygen cannula beneath her nose, but Carina immediately reached over, gently moving her hand away from it.
“Yes. That is helping your lungs.”
“I'm breathing fine.”
“You are breathing because they are giving you oxygen.”
Maya considered this. “Well… yes.”
Carina smiled despite herself, letting herself stare unapologetically at her wife.
“You're staring.”
“I am making sure you're breathing.”
Maya's mouth twitched.
There it was.
That little smile Carina had been waiting for since she'd gotten the call. She reached out and brushed a strand of hair away from Maya's forehead. “You scared me.”
Maya's smile faded slightly. “Sorry.”
“No.” The Italian’s voice was immediate.
Maya blinked.
“You don't have to apologize for getting hurt, just… be a little more careful next time. Sì?” Carina said with a small smile, placing a kiss on Maya’s forehead.
“I wasn't exactly planning on it.”
“I know.”
Maya looked away, her attention settling on the IV instead. She watched the clear line disappear beneath the tape, her brows pulling together slightly.
“Do I have to stay here?” She asked, a hint of reluctance creeping into her voice.
“Yes.” Carina said simply.
Blue eyes flicked back toward the brunette. “How long?”
Carina gave her a small, apologetic smile and shrug. “I don't know.”
“I hate hospitals.” The blonde sighed, letting her head sink further into the pillow.
“I know.”
“They smell weird.”
Carina’s lips twitched. “I know.”
“The beds are terrible.”
“I know.”
“And the food is going to be awful.” Maya’s lips pressed into a faint pout.
Carina shook her head, a quiet laugh escaping her as she gently reached over to adjust her wife’s blanket. The blonde didn’t protest, too tired to bother.
Maya closed her eyes again, exhaustion taking over. It was the kind of exhaustion that seemed to settle all the way into her bones. She could hear the monitor beside her, the soft hiss of oxygen, the distant sounds of people moving through the hallway.
None of it bothered her.
Not really.
Carina was there.
That was what mattered.
Maya shifted slightly, trying to find a more comfortable position.
“Careful,” Carina said immediately.
Blue eyes barely opened. “I know.”
“You have a broken arm.”
“I know.”
Carina watched her for a moment before adding, “And a concussion.”
“I know.” This time, Maya opened her eyes properly, giving her wife a tired look.
“And-”
“Carina.” She interrupted, her voice carrying just enough warning to make Carina pause.
“Yes?”
“I know.”
Carina's smile widened. “Good.”
Maya stared at her for another second before letting her eyes fall shut again. “You're annoying.”
“And yet you asked me to stay.” The brunette’s voice softened around the teasing.
Maya’s mouth twitched. “I don't remember doing that.”
“You did.”
“Must've been the concussion.”
“Perhaps.” Carina settled back into her chair, still smiling.
Maya's lips curved faintly despite her exhaustion. She was quiet for a few seconds, then, almost as though the words had slipped out before she could think better of them. “You can stay.”
Carina's expression softened, pressing a soft kiss to Maya’s temple. “I wasn't planning on leaving, bambina.”
Maya nodded. “Okay, that’s good. I don’t like it when you leave.” She let her eyes fall closed again, listening to the steady beeping beside her and the small familiar sounds coming from Carina moving in the chair next to her.
Nothing was wrong. She was hurt, sure. Tired, and in the hospital. But she was also safe.
And she knew that.
The next time Maya opened her eyes, she was pretty sure she’d been asleep for some time. The room came back to her in pieces, the soft beep of the monitor, an annoying amount of wires attached to her.
And Carina.
Still in the chair beside her bed.
Maya smiled faintly. “Did you sleep?”
Carina looked up from her phone, a smile immediately growing on her face. “A little.”
“You're lying.”
But her wife just smiled, ignoring the accusation. “How do you feel?”
Maya considered it, for a moment, trying to take in the different injuries. “Like I got hit by a building.”
The brunette’s brows furrowed. “You were hit by part of a building.”
“Oh- right… well, not far off then.”
Carina rolled her eyes, but there was still a hint of a smile on her lips.
Without thinking, Maya shifted beneath the blankets. Her arm ached where it was secured in the cast, and there was a dull pressure behind her eyes that had been there since she'd woken up. She wasn't sure whether she'd been awake for five minutes or an hour. Everything felt slightly out of order.
She looked toward the small table beside the bed where a small cup of water was placed.
Just out of reach.
She leaned toward the table, trying to grab it herself. Her movement was awkward with one arm immobilized. She didn’t notice the IV tubing shifting, tangling around her wrist, and as she reached a little farther, it started tugging on her.
She frowned and pulled again.
Nothing.
Something inside her chest tightened.
She looked down. The clear tubing was looped loosely around her wrist, nothing more than an inconvenience. She could see exactly what it was.
She knew what it was.
It was an IV line.
It was tubing.
It wasn't-
Her breathing caught and she pulled harder.
“Maya?”
Carina was beside her now.
“Get it off.”
Carina's expression changed. “Okay. Wait.”
“Get it off.”
“It's just the tubing.”
“I know.” Her voice came out sharper than she intended.
The second Carina reached for her wrist, Maya flinched violently. “Don't.”
Carina stopped.
For half a second, neither of them moved until Carina softened her voice. “Okay. I won't.”
Maya stared at the tubing.
Her heart was beating too fast. She knew this was ridiculous. She knew exactly where she was. She knew Carina was standing beside her. She knew there was an IV in her hand and that the tubing had simply wrapped around her wrist when she'd moved.
There was nothing holding her.
Nothing trapping her.
Nothing-
“Carina.”
“I've got you.”
“Please.”
Carina moved slowly, giving Maya plenty of warning before touching her. “I'm just going to untangle it, okay?”
Maya nodded, staring as her wife carefully lifted the tubing, slipping it free. “There.”
The pressure around Maya's wrist disappeared and she immediately pulled her hand against her chest.
Free.
She was free.
Her breathing was still too fast.
Carina sat down on the edge of the bed. “Maya?”
“I'm fine.”
Carina didn't argue, but Maya wasn’t stupid, she knew her wife didn’t believe her.
Maya swallowed. “I just-” She had to keep talking to Carina, she had fought too hard to show her wife she was better now, she had to. She looked at the IV again, and took a shaky breath. “It caught.”
“I know.”
“And I couldn't get it off.”
“For a second.”
“I know.” She hated how defensive she sounded.
Carina's hand settled carefully on the blanket beside hers. “You're okay.”
Maya nodded. “I know.”
She took a slow breath.
Then another.
The room looked exactly the same. The monitor continued beeping. The oxygen continued hissing. And most importantly, Carina was still there. Nothing had changed.
Except something had.
Maya couldn't explain what. She looked down at her wrist, but there wasn’t even a mark visible. Regardless though, she moved it back down and rubbed at the skin with the fingertips of her other hand.
Carina noticed.
Of course she did.
“You're sure you're okay?”
Maya nodded again. “Yeah.”
This time, she almost believed herself.
Almost.
The next time Maya woke, she was too hot.
Not warm. Hot.
Her skin felt damp beneath the hospital gown, her hair sticking slightly to the back of her neck. The room felt stuffy. She opened her eyes and immediately wished she hadn't.
The lights were too bright. The monitor was too loud. Something was tugging at her finger and the blonde frowned when she lifted her hand.
The pulse oximeter.
She stared at it for several seconds, trying to remember why it was there, but her thoughts felt slow, heavy almost. “Carina?”
"Carina?"
A chair scraped softly against the floor and Carina appeared in front of her almost immediately, clearly having just woken up. If the blonde had been more aware of her surroundings, she would’ve felt bad about waking up her wife, would’ve felt bad about the concern that was already written across her face. “I’m here. I’m here, bambina.”
"Can you turn the heat off?"
Within a second, the doctor reached out and pressed the back of her hand against Maya's forehead. "It’s you, Maya. You’re burning up."
A frown crossed Maya’s face. "Can I have the blanket off?"
"Of course." She pulled the blanket down, folding it at Maya's waist who sighed with relief.
Better.
She looked at the IV again and shifted beneath the sheets. The pulse oximeter was in the way. The oxygen tickled and the ECG leads pulled faintly against her skin.
There were too many things attached to her.
"I don't like this."
"I know." The brunette’s expression softened.
"I want them off."
Carina's voice remained gentle. "Some of them can come off later."
Maya’s brow furrowed. "Later?"
"After the doctor checks you."
Maya swallowed, her fingers flexing against the sheets. "Why?"
"Because you hit your head, amore."
"I know that."
She knew that. Maybe. Probably. She had to have known that.
A sad smile tugged on Carina’s lips. "I know you do."
Maya rubbed at her forehead with her free hand. Her thoughts wouldn't line up properly. Everything felt just slightly out of reach, foggy. She knew she'd been in a fire. She knew she'd broken her arm. She knew she was in the hospital.
She knew all of that.
So why did she suddenly feel like she needed to leave?
"I can go home."
"No."
The answer came so quick that Maya’s eyes narrowed.
"I feel fine."
Carina gave her a look.
Maya frowned back. "I do."
She didn’t like this. It was her body. Why did Carina think she knew more?
"You have a fever."
"So?"
"So you're staying."
Maya looked toward the door, her expression distant for a moment before she looked back at all the wires attached to her. "I don't need all this."
Carina reached for her hand but the blonde pulled away, the movement surprising both of them.
Maya stared at her own hand, eyes widening slightly. "I'm sorry."
Carina's expression softened. "You don't have to apologize."
"I just-" Maya’s mouth opened, but whatever she had meant to say seemed to disappear.
The IV tubing was touching her wrist again. She pulled at it experimentally, but the tape held and her eyebrows pulled together as she tugged again, harder this time.
"Maya."
"It's bothering me."
Carina leaned forward, watching her hand carefully. "Don't pull at it."
The blonde glanced at her before looking back down. "I just want it out."
"I know, but you can't take it out yourself."
Maya's breathing picked up. "I can."
"No, you can't."
"I can." She snapped, her frustration sharpening.
Carina stood, moving closer. "Maya, look at me."
But Maya wasn't looking at her anymore.
She was looking at the tubing. At the tape. At the leads stuck across her chest and at the oxygen running beneath her nose.
Everything felt wrong.
Too much.
Too close.
She shifted again, trying to get away from it all, but there was nowhere to go. "I need these off."
"Maya-" Her wife’s expression changed.
"I need them off."
She reached for the IV again.
This time, she pulled hard enough that the tape stretched against her skin.
The door opened and a nurse stepped inside. "Hey, Maya."
"No." Maya immediately jerked her hand away.
The nurse stopped halfway across the room.
The firefighter stared at her.
She didn’t remember her name. Why didn’t she remember her name?
Something about that frustrated- frightened, her more than it should have.
"It's okay," Carina said quickly, keeping her voice low. "She's confused."
"I'm not confused." Maya's voice was sharper now.
The nurse approached the bedside carefully. "You're pulling at your IV."
"I want it out." Blue eyes were fixed on the tubing.
The nurse kept her movements slow. "I can't let you pull it out."
"I'm fine."
"I know you feel that way, but you need to keep your arm still."
Maya froze.
The words barely seemed to reach her.
Keep still.
Something inside her went completely silent. The beeping monitor disappeared beneath another sound. A different room. A similar ceiling.
Hands.
Too many hands.
Someone telling her to stop moving.
Someone telling her she was safe.
Someone holding her down.
Maya's breath caught, her eyes growing wider. "No."
The nurse frowned. "Maya?"
She didn’t want this. She didn’t want to be held again.
"No." She pulled her arm toward herself, she could feel the tug of the IV against her skin.
"Maya, don't."
"No."
Carina stepped between them. "Hey. Hey, look at me."
Blue eyes found her for half a second.
They were wide.
Terrified.
Then they darted away again.
"Get it off."
Carina kept herself between Maya and the nurse, her hands visible and her voice deliberately calm. "We're going to," Carina promised. "But you have to let us help you."
She shook her head. "I don't need help."
"Maya." The brunette’s face tightened with worry.
This couldn’t be happening. Not again.
She had to force her wife to stay in the hospital once before, she couldn’t do it again.
"I said I'm fine." She tried to sit up, but the movement made the room spin violently and Maya gasped before she grabbed for the bedrail.
Someone reached toward her shoulder.
She recoiled so violently that the ECG leads pulled against her skin. "Don't touch me!"
"It's okay," Carina said.
"Don't!"
Immediately, Carina stopped touching her. "I'm not touching you."
Maya's breathing came faster. Her chest rose and fell beneath the leads, each breath more shallow than the last.
She needed to get up.
She needed to get away.
She didn't know from what.
The bedrail was in the way.
The IV was in the way.
The oxygen was in the way.
Everything was in the way.
"I need to go."
"You can't get up right now."
Maya shook her head, already pushing herself toward the edge of the mattress. "I need to go."
"Maya, you're dizzy."
"I don't care."
She swung her legs toward the edge of the bed but a nurse caught her shoulder before she could stand to keep her from falling, but it immediately made Maya jerk away violently. "Let me go!"
"Maya, you need to stay in bed."
"Let me go!" Her voice cracked on the last word.
Carina said her name.
Once.
Twice.
Maya didn't respond.
The nurse looked toward the doorway.
Another person appeared.
Then another.
Suddenly there were too many people in the room.
Too many voices.
Too many footsteps.
Too many hands reaching toward her.
Maya's heart hammered against her ribs. "No."
She tried to pull her arm free, she could vaguely register the pull of the pulse ox missing.
When had that gone?
She could still feel the tape for the IV stretching.
"Maya, stop."
"I can't."
"You'll hurt yourself."
"I can't!"
Carina moved closer. "Maya, it's me."
Maya shook her head.
She couldn't make the room make sense.
She couldn't make the voices separate.
Someone was saying something about keeping her still.
Someone else was saying something about the IV.
The monitor was beeping faster.
And then Carina took her wrist.
Maya froze.
Fully and completely froze.
She looked down at Carina's hand before looking up at her face.
For one terrible second, Carina could see the look on her wife’s face, like Maya didn't recognize her. And it was as if she could feel her heart break. "Maya."
Maya's lips parted. "No."
Carina loosened her grip immediately, but she didn't let go completely. "It's me."
The blonde stared at her. "No."
"I know." Carina's voice was barely above a whisper now. "Maya, look at me."
Her eyes moved reluctantly back to Carina's.
"It's Carina, it’s me, your wife."
Maya's breathing shuddered. "I know."
"You're in the hospital."
"I know." She shook her head.
"You're safe."
"No. No- I-"
Carina's face crumpled for half a second before she forced herself steady. "I'm right here."
Maya sunk back into the bed, her fingers curled weakly against the mattress. "Please."
Carina swallowed.
"We're not going to hurt you."
"Please."
"I know."
"Please don't."
Carina moved closer, lowering herself so Maya didn't have to look up at her. "It's me, Maya."
Blue eyes filled with tears. "Please."
"I know, amore." Carina's thumb brushed carefully over the inside of a pale wrist. "You don't have to fight me."
Maya made a broken sound. "I don't want to."
"I know."
"I don't want to."
"I know."
The medical team hesitated. The Doctor could see they wanted to reach out again, check the leads, check the stats. But Maya was calmer now. She needed to stay that way. "Give me a second."
Then she turned back to Maya. "Look at me."
Blue eyes stared at her, just barely.
"You are here with me."
Maya's breathing trembled. "Not there."
"No."
"Not then."
"No."
"Here."
Carina nodded. "Here."
For one fragile moment, Maya seemed to believe her, some of the tension in her shoulders dropped, and she sank deeper into the mattress.
The doctor shifted impatiently behind Carina. “We really do need to check-”
She glanced over her shoulder. “I said give me a second.”
The doctor sighed, but before Carina could turn back, another member of the medical team stepped closer to the bed. “I just need to fix one of the leads.”
Carina's head snapped around.
“Wait-”
The hand reached down anyway. Fingers caught the edge of the ECG lead and pulled it gently away from Maya's skin.
It was barely anything.
A tiny movement.
A completely ordinary medical adjustment.
But the blonde freaked out. Her whole body jerked. “No!”
Carina immediately turned back toward her. “Maya-”
“Don't!”
The lead pulled against her skin again as Maya twisted away from the hand.
“Get off me!”
The nurse froze and Carina's expression hardened. “Stop.” Her voice was sharper now.
The hand withdrew immediately, but it was already too late, Maya was breathing hard again. Her eyes were wide, searching the room without seeming to see any of it. Carina moved closer, placing herself firmly between Maya and the rest of the team. “She was calming down.”
“I was only checking the lead,” the nurse protested quietly.
“I know what you were doing.” Carina didn't take her eyes off Maya. “And now she's terrified again.”
Maya pulled at the IV, though Carina caught her hand before she could yank it free. “Amore, no.”
Maya twisted against her grip.
It wasn't hard enough to hurt. It wasn't even deliberate. Her wrist kept turning, her shoulders pulling forward, her whole body searching for some direction that would take her away from the hands, the voices, the room.
"Let me go," she gasped.
Carina tightened her hold only enough to keep Maya from tearing at the IV again.
"I'm here."
"Please."
"Maya, look at me."
Maya tried.
Her eyes found Carina's for half a second before darting away again, but the exhaustion was clear as day, even in her pleas. "Let me go."
"I know, my love. I know."
"I'm sorry." The words came between uneven breaths, almost too quiet to hear.
Carina's heart cracked. "You don't have to be sorry."
Maya shook her head, tears slipping down her cheeks. "I'm sorry."
"I know, amore."
Maya pulled again.
Then again.
Each movement was weaker than the last.
Carina could feel the trembling spreading through her.
"You're in the hospital," she whispered. "You're safe."
Maya's breathing hitched.
"I'm here."
Another tremor ran through her.
"You don't have to fight me."
Maya's eyes closed. "I don't want to."
Carina swallowed hard. "I know."
"I don't want to fight you."
"I know."
The blonde’s grip loosened and her arms stopped pulling. She was still shaking, still breathing too quickly, but the frantic strength had begun to drain out of her.
Carina kept holding her, she could feel the exhaustion radiating from her wife’s body. She wasn’t fighting her anymore, and she knew Maya was being honest when she said she didn’t want to fight her.
She knew her wife was terrified.
Maya fought when she felt cornered.
So she stayed. She stayed because the more lucid Maya from before had asked her to stay.
Maya opened her eyes again. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
Carina leaned closer. "Don't apologize for being scared."
Maya's bottom lip trembled. "Please."
"I'm here."
"Please don't leave."
Carina's chest tightened painfully. "I won't."
Blue eyes squeezed shut and a tear slipped down her cheek. "Please."
“I’m here.” She took her wife’s hand, careful not to touch her wrist. And immediately pale fingers closed around hers. She didn’t think Maya was calm yet, calmer than before, yes, but not calm. Nor did she think her wife really understood what was happening, what she was doing.
Maya, though, finally let her head fall back against the pillow.
Her eyes slipped closed and her fingers remained curled around Carina's.
Carina stayed exactly where she was because she hoped, desperately hoped, that she was the one thing in the room that still made sense to Maya.
Dio, she hated being in the hospital with her wife.
It was hours later when blue eyes opened slowly. This time though, there was no panic, no voices, no hands.
For several seconds, she simply stared at the ceiling until the memories came rushing back and her stomach dropped.
Maya moved her hands. Slowly. Carefully.
Her wrist was sore, and as she turned it over, she could see faint red marks on her arm, already beginning to fade. Her breathing caught while she stared at it, making Carina shift in the chair beside the bed. “Maya?”
The blonde looked at her. Carina looked exhausted, her hair was messy, her eyes red around the edges, but she was there.
Still there.
Maya swallowed. "I fought you."
Carina's expression softened immediately. "You were just scared, it’s okay."
"I fought you."
"I know, it’s okay."
Maya looked back at her wrists. "Did I hurt you?"
"You did not."
It should’ve come as a relief, it should’ve loosened the pressure on her shoulders, but it didn’t. "I could have."
"But you didn't."
Maya shook her head. "That's not the point."
The brunette stood and came closer to the bed. "What is the point then?"
Maya didn't answer. She rubbed one wrist with the fingers of her other hand instead. "I shouldn't have done that."
"You were confused."
"I knew what I was doing."
Carina sat beside her. "No, Maya. You were terrified."
Maya looked at her, and Carina could see the tears welding up in her wife’s eyes. "I wasn't trying to hurt you."
"I know."
"I was trying to get away."
"I know."
Maya's eyes dropped again. "From you."
Carina was quiet for a moment. "Not from me."
"I know that." The firefighter’s jaw tightened and her voice cracked slightly. "I know."
Carina reached for her hand but stopped just short of touching her, and somehow, that hurt worse.
"You can touch me," she whispered.
Carina gently took her hand and immediately, the blonde closed her fingers around hers.
"I knew it was you." Her voice was soft, but her eyes stayed trained on their intertwined hands.
Carina's eyes filled with tears over the heartbreak in her wife’s voice.
Her voice became smaller. "I knew it was you, Carina. I knew you were there. I knew you were trying to help me." She swallowed hard. "And I still couldn't stop."
Carina squeezed her hand. "Maya-"
"I heard you." Blue eyes were burning. "I heard you telling me I was safe."
A tear slipped down her cheek. "I knew you were telling me that." She looked at Carina, her lip trembling. "And I was still begging you to let me go."
Carina's face crumpled. "That wasn't you choosing to fight me."
"It felt like it."
"I know."
"I knew it was you," Maya repeated, almost desperately. "That's the worst part."
"No." Carina moved closer. "That's not the worst part."
The blonde shook her head. “How could it not be?"
"The worst part is that you were so frightened that knowing it was me wasn't enough."
Maya went very still. Carina didn’t stop though, she gently brushed her thumb over her wife’s knuckles. “Your mind knew, bambina. Your body just forgot for a moment."
For a moment, neither of them spoke.
"I hate that," Maya whispered.
"I know."
"It just… it felt like I was back, there, after… after you- after Teddy-” Another tear slipped from her eye. “I hate that something that happened years ago can still-" She tried to continue, but her voice broke.
Carina didn’t interrupt, didn’t try to finish her sentence. She was just there.
Maya took a shaky breath. "I wasn't trying to hurt you." Her fingers tightened around her wife’s. "I'm sorry."
Carina leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You don't apologize for being afraid."
The last of Maya's composure finally broke. Tears slipped down her cheeks, one after another, and she made no attempt to stop them anymore. She leaned into Carina almost tentatively, as though she wasn't quite sure she was allowed to. Carina wrapped an arm around her, gentle and careful, leaving Maya room to move away.
Instead, Maya curled closer. She burrowed her head into her wife’s shoulder. Whispering apology after apology as Carina held her a little closer.
Maya exhaled shakily, and her eyes slipped closed. Nobody was holding her because they had to. Nobody was keeping her still.
Nobody was taking away her choice.
She had asked, and Carina had stayed.
Maya squeezed her hand once, immediately feeling some pressure ease when her wife squeezed back.
She wasn’t alone.
Carina was here.
Her wife stayed.