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I (36M) have feelings for my closest friend (34M), but my religious family would disown me if they found out
Posted by u/Shi'KahrResident to r/RelationshipAdvice
As a preface: Although I am fluent, I have been told that my English appears overly formal compared to native speakers as I learned it in a purely academic setting and did not have practice in conversational English until adulthood. If this is the case, I apologize.
I (36M) was born and raised in a religiously conservative, non-Western family, but moved to San Francisco for university. My father did not approve of this, as he expected me to go to university in my country and believed I was abandoning our cultural values. He ceased contact with me, and it remained so for nearly two decades. He recently made contact again after a health scare made him realize the importance of our relationship. Throughout this time, I have maintained a relationship with my mother and practiced my religion faithfully.
My problem comes with regard to my closest friend, James (34M). We met at work and bonded quickly. He is everything my father used to warn me about: he is emotional, unreserved, and not part of our culture/religion. Yet, it is these qualities that make me enjoy his presence even more. At first, I thought my regard for James was merely that of a good friend, but I now realize that my feelings toward him are not solely platonic.
This terrifies me. I feel that I am betraying all the values that I and my family stand for. I am aware that my father and I cannot go back to how we were before I made the choice to leave. However, we have slowly been repairing our relationship. This would destroy any progress, and likely ruin the relationship I have with my mother, as well.
Even though I have lived here longer than I lived there, I still feel like an outsider. The only person who has truly made me feel welcome and accepted is James. Nevertheless, I do not wish to abandon my culture altogether. If I choose to act on my feelings, I will be doing just that—not to mention, I run the risk of destroying the best friendship I have ever had.
Our mutual friend, Leo, assures me that James feels the same way, and indeed, I suspect he does too. However, I cannot risk everything, from my family to my friends to my culture, simply on a hunch. Leo told me to post here for advice from people in similar situations, as he is heterosexual and does not know what it is like to have a sexuality that so many cultures do not accept. So I ask you, if you were in my situation, what would you do?
TL;DR: My estranged father recently made contact after two decades. Revealing my feelings toward another man would ruin any progress we have made in repairing our bond.