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Feelings are like water.
It starts off with a droplet of fondness, something you barely feel seeping into your skin or rolling off of your clothes. Then another, and another, until you register the light drizzle and decide whether to run and find shelter or to endure it, hoping that it will end soon enough. It doesn’t though. Instead, it picks up until it’s soaking you and your clothes down to your bones. Until is un-ignorable and everywhere, blurring the lines between fondness and attraction, seeping into every thought and article of clothing until you’re heavy with it.
Feelings aren’t tangible.
They aren’t some solid thing that you can define and hold in your grasp. They spill into memories of karting together, stopwatches and scribbled lap times on whiteboards and the smell of gasoline and sweat. They trickle down from the moments of summers free of school responsibilities and training schedules, chasing each other around in the beach until you’re breathless and sunburnt. They pool into the accumulated years of watching him grow up alongside you, and they spill over as you blink and suddenly, the small boy with lanky limbs wild chestnut hair grew into a man with the same eyes and the same mischievous smile, just older.
Feelings are irrational.
It doesn’t care that you can never act upon it, nor does it care of the fact that Kimi is a world-renowned athlete at this point, his identity a public business venture and a legacy in the making. You thought your feelings would finally die when he admitted to you one evening about his future plans, how he would avoid relationships and parties to focus on his career and his racing craft. But they were stubborn and unrelenting. They made you feel foolish things like hope in response to being shown casual acts of affection that Kimi was known for. They made you think foolish thoughts that kept you awake until ungodly hours, tossing and turning and thinking taking risks that could possibly jeopardize his entire future and your friendship.
Somewhere while growing up with him, you had realized that you had fallen in love with Kimi, and the feelings that you tried so long to ignore or rationalize as platonic admiration spilled into your every interaction and memory with him. Somewhere over the years, the faint drizzle had turned into a heavy downpour, accumulating into a deep well beneath you, threatening to pull you under and make you drown. You have never been good at swimming.
-
You had gone up the hotel roof deck at 1 AM to shake off your sleeplessness with a walk, expecting a stillness that was only found in late nights and mirror-like surfaces of water. What you instead found was the steady sound of water splashing and someone swimming laps until their lungs burned.
You nearly walked back to the elevator, the metal doors still open and waiting, before you changed your mind. You took decisive steps toward the pool, the LED lights casting a dim shadow over yourself. The person swimming didn’t falter or stop. How could they when the waters muffled the rest of reality?
Eventually, a head wearing a white swim cap and black goggles emerged by the far end of the pool. He pushed his goggles up and blinked the chlorine away from his eyes. You knew exactly who it was, with the curls peeking out stubbornly from the swim cap and the dolphin charm glinting on his throat.
“Isn’t it a little late for a swim?” You raise your brow, curious.
“I would say the same for you, but I don’t think you’re here to swim.” Kimi shoots back at you and you shrug. His eyes flit for a second down to your sleep wear.
You crouch down by the pool edge, somewhere in the center of the shallow end with the stairs and the deep end where Kimi was swimming. You suppress your amusement at the sound of his annoyed huff as he swims towards you, kicking up the water with more force than needed.
You groan at the droplets wetting your clothes and he grins as he dives back up again from the waters. He leans his arms beside your feet and you try not to dwell too long on his shoulders and biceps.
“Hey.” You perch your chin on the palm of your hand.
“Hi.”
A beat passes between the both of you, not needed to be filled by a joke or a half-formed distraction.
You speak up first, direct to the point. “What’s up with you?” You nod at him.
Kimi lets out a hollow laugh, “When is there not something up with me?”
You look at him with a pensive look on your face as he takes off his goggles and swim cap, placing both of them on the damp tile beside your crouching figure, before running a hand through his flattened curls.
He was right. It was a lot to be a world-famous athlete and championship leader at just 19 years old. To carry that pressure of living up to his potential and to be constantly compared to his legendary role model Senna was no easy feat. Yet somehow he handled it with the maturity of someone beyond his years. No matter how hard he struggled to adjust to Formula 1 or how deep the dark days dragged him in, he somehow always found the strength to get back up, brush himself off, and push even harder.
That was one of the many things you admired about him. But he was also just as human as anyone else, and you knew that very well. He simply hides his cracks better.
“You wanna talk about it?” You ask him.
Kimi shakes his head and you don’t press further for now. “How about yourself, huh?” He presses just a tad and you scoff.
“You can’t just distract me from your late night dilemma with my own dilemma.”
“Yes, I can.” He insists with the confidence of someone that people rarely say no to.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“You’re ridiculous. You’re the one that went up here without any swim wear.”
“And you’re the one that’s swimming like Phelps at 1 AM.” You shoot back.
He falls silent before pursing his lips in contemplation. “Fair.”
You sigh, roll up your pajama pants up to your knees, and sit down properly on the tiled pool edge, cold and damp. The waters lap your calves. “I’m not gonna pry if you don’t really want to talk about it, but I’m just saying. Misery shared is half a misery, or however that saying goes.”
Kimi snorts, “Or however the saying goes? Wow, truly quality stuff.”
“Shut up, I’m not good at this.” You shove his shoulder lightly and you try not to act electrocuted at touching his skin.
“I know, that’s why I have a therapist for this.”
“I know.” You pause for a moment, considering your words. “But I’m also here.” The words land heavier than you intended.
Kimi stills for a moment in the pool. He senses the implications of something. What that was, he wasn’t just sure yet. He says your name softly and you have to focus on the water, the way the lights refract in the small ripples made by his body. You were afraid to see what he looked like staring at you.
You clear your throat, “What I meant to say is that, you don’t have to solve them immediately, like fix the feelings or thoughts like problems to be fixed with a professional, sometimes it’s also okay to just ramble about them with a friend, even if it doesn’t make sense.”
“I know,” Kimi says softly. “And I hope that you remember that as well,” he says your name again with the softness that makes your heart squeeze. “I notice you too, you know? I know it doesn’t seem like it with how busy I am, but I watch you sometimes, more than you think.”
“Kimi,” you start but he doesn’t let you.
“I can feel you drifting away in my life. You are always somehow there when I need you, either to distract me from a shitty result or celebrating a win with me, but I realized that I can’t remember the last time I spoke with you about things that weren't about racing or me.”
“Is it a crime to be interested in your racing?” you say defensively.
“No, but why are you acting like it’s a crime to be interested in you?”
The word lands like a drop in still waters. You shift anxiously, hiding your hands beneath your thighs. “It’s not,” you reply.
“Oh really? Then why aren’t you meeting my eyes right now?”
You try to find an excuse or defense to it but can’t find any. Instead, you tear your eyes off of the pool water and meet his eyes defiantly.
You swallow thickly as you take him in. His curls that were once flat on his head, forming damp ringlets. His shoulders bathed in the dim multicolored pool lights. The droplets of water on his skin that brought in the traitorous, impulsive thought to reach your hand out and brush them away.
“There. Happy?” Your voice comes out less stable than you would’ve hoped.
“Very.”
You roll your eyes with his response and he moves even closer, his shoulder nearly touching your knee.
“You’re my best friend, and I’m sorry I haven’t acted like yours.” Kimi apologizes.
“Kimi, it’s fine. I understand–“
“No, you don’t.” His tongue darts across his lips once, a tell-tale sign that he was about to do something stupid or nerve-wrecking. Or both.
“I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. You’re the only thing that makes sense in my life at this point.”
“You’re never going to lose me, Kimi,” you say softly.
“Then why does it feel like you’re always far away?”
You look away once more and he moves to wrap a hand around your ankle. gentle yet insistent.
“You’re doing it again,” he says softly.
You snap your eyes back onto him reflexively. In truth, you were afraid of him reading your emotions probably plastered clear as day through them. But Kimi is as stubborn as he is oblivious.
“I’m not– I just have a lot on my mind,” you deflect.
“Then tell me what’s on your mind,” He insists gently.
‘You. You’re on my mind constantly. You and your stupid laugh where your canines peak out and how you sound whenever I beat you at Rocket League. Your dolphin charm necklace that you insist on wearing even if the cord is so tight that you had to go through multiple cords in the past year alone. Your silly superstitious habits with your pre-race rituals and how you always look out for everyone. Your humility. Your eyes that betray your emotions and look into my own like reading a book over and over again.’
You don’t know how to tell your best friend how you’re so in love with him and how it might jeopardize his future and your friendship.
“Life? Uni? It’s a lot,” you lie.
“Tell me more, he insists.
You let out a small chuckle. “You’re not my therapist, Kimi.”
“No, but I’m your best friend.” He echoes your words back at you and you have to remind yourself to breathe.
You sigh and try to find the words that are safe to say. “Uni’s pretty stressful. I have to balance my time with deadlines, and the group works are dreadful because half of the time, the others don’t even respond to me.”
Kimi hums in response and lets go of your leg. Your shoulders drop by just an inch.
“Then there’s the traveling. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but lately I've had trouble sleeping. Maybe it’s the hotel rooms that are making me restless, or, I don’t know, the thoughts in my head. I don’t even know why–
Kimi what are you doing?” You startle as he leans his chin on your knees, his arms braced on the pool edge, effectively trapping you there.
“Continue,” he says, like what he just did was the most casual thing in the world. “Why are you restless?”
“Kimi, you’re going to get my legs wet.” You repeatedly protest.
His eyes crinkle with mischief and a barely held-back joke.
“Kimi, I’m serious!” You try to act angry but you couldn’t help but laugh along with him. You kick his side softly under the water in retaliation, barely a touch even, yet he groans like you just kicked him hard in the stomach.
“That’s cheating! And your legs are already wet, they’re in the water!” he protests.
“Yeah, and you’re gonna make it worse by putting your head in my lap,” you retaliate.
“Come on, your pants are half wet sitting there anyways. Maybe you should’ve worn something better, like for swimming.”
You splash him with water in retaliation he gasps, his arms moving to splash you even harder without even thinking. Water drenches your hair and clothes, the fabric darkening and sticking to your skin. You gape at him in shock and his shit-eating grin slides off his face.
“You–!” you exclaim as you use both of your hands to splash water onto him even harder. He laughs, loud and euphoric before he swims away.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry!” he exclaims, his arms raised to block the attacks.
In your attempt to splash him, you hadn’t realized that you leaned forward enough to lose your seat on the edge of the pool. Maybe it was the water making the tile more slippery, or the momentum of leaning your weight forward without holding onto the edge, but the next thing you knew, you were underwater.
You couldn’t even hear Kimi yelling your name from underwater, too shocked by the sudden rush of water into your ears and eyes. Then, strong arms found you in the depths, helping you find your bearings and surface up from the waters.
“Are you okay!?” He asks, his voice filled with panic and concern.
You wipe a hand across your face, still sputtering water before you laugh at the absurdness of it all. Your sleep wear was beyond saving now. You laugh until your stomach hurts and Kimi starts laughing as well. It had been so long since you laughed like this, utterly carefree and light.
“Oh my god,” you wheeze through your giggles, “I’m so stupid.”
Kimi chuckles alongside you, still holding onto you and making sure you don’t drown in the pool. He treads for the both of you, keeping you afloat with his hands on you sides. Eventually your laughter dies down, the remnants of it slowly fading like an echo. The water was cold when you fell in, but now all you could feel was the warmth seeping from Kimi's touch. Your eyes locked onto his, and he had this look that made you shiver. It was the same kind that he'd have before every race, the same kind of devotion he poured into analyzing the telemetry. Or maybe it was a different look entirely, one that you only noticed once you had no chance to run away.
Every fiber of your being was screaming at you to look away from his eyes, to draw the walls back up and to get out of the pool, but you couldn't bring yourself to. You tell yourself that it was because your clothes and hair were already drenched, that there was no point in trying to escape something that already happened, whether you wanted to or not. And when his eyes dropped to your lips, you allowed yourself to look as well.
“Kimi, please—" you weren't sure what you were begging him for. Maybe to let you go, or maybe to lean in. Either way, his eyes flutter shut for a second, like your words were a physical force that left him breathless. He leans in until his nose brushes against yours, close enough for you to count his lashes. If you tilted your chin up, your lips would brush against his. And you do.
You feel him inhale softly, before sealing the gap. His lips were soft and warm, moving tentatively over yours like he doesn't want to scare you away. You don't, instead you lean further into him, your hands moving from his shoulders to his neck, your bodies making contact under the water. Gradually, he becomes bolder, the hesitation giving away to relief and want, like he had been waiting for this for longer than you knew. And you let yourself melt into him, sighing against his mouth. His fingers twitch against your sides and he has to remember to tread his legs against the water to keep you both upright.
His brows knit in frustration before he leads the both of you into a shallower part of the pool where your feet finally touch the tile. There he could stop dividing his focus from the treading and pour all of it into you instead. You part from him first and he chases after you, leaving one more kiss on the corner of your lips like he couldn't bear to part.
“Since when?" You breathe out and he takes a moment to respond, still blinking.
“Since I could remember," He replies earnestly which earns him a swat on the shoulder. He laughs at it, “It's true! I can't tell when, it just… it's always been there. I've always loved you."
Kimi was always direct to the point, never beating around the bush, almost like he was too impatient for it. It still didn't make it hit any less hard for you.
“You can't just say things like that!"
“Why not? It's the truth. I can't remember when I didn't love you. As friends, as… more. I love you."
You're dumbfounded by his confession, your mind sifting through every memory you have with him to see if he left any clue, if maybe you were the one that was oblivious all along. He notices it and brings a damp hand to your cheek.
“Don't do that, don't overthink it." He says gently. His thumb brushes against the apple of your cheek, like a page of a well-read book.
You let out a weak laugh. “Not overthink? I've been in love with my best friend for years and now I'm drenched in my pajamas after finding out that I've basically been beating myself up for nothing—"
He lets out a sigh. “It's not for nothing. I know it's… complicated. Our lives, our friendship, everything… but please," he begs softly, “Not right now?" He looks almost sheepish with his proposal, like it's another task to procrastinate on and not a moment that will change your entire friendship. Any resistance against him is futile. Your weakness will forever be not being able to say no to him. And his weakness is you.
He kisses you again, this time more insistent, like he wants to kiss the doubts and fears out of your brain. Like he can solve every problem with this kiss. You kiss until your skin turns wrinkly in the waters and you shiver more from the cold than the flutter in your chest. The championship didn't matter in that moment, nor did the no-relationship clause or the gossip mill that will sniff it out faster than a bloodhound. All that mattered to him was that you finally stopped being scared.