Archive of Our Own ^beta

Holtzmann hummed quietly to herself as she passed her friends' bedrooms on her way to the bathroom. It was half past midnight and the others had all long ago retired to bed leaving Holtz working in the lab.

Her mind was filled with gears, wires and schematics as she moved by Erin's door and heard an unexpected sound. She froze and looked back to see that Erin's door was open a crack. She held her breath and listened. Yes, that was definitely a sniffle.

Holtzmann mentally debated whether to check on her or not. Emotions were not her forte by any stretch of the word but it was Erin. Her concern for the woman overrode her own discomfort. She decided, though, to make that bathroom visit and check on her way back.

A few minutes later Holtz was again outside the door and sniffles still broke the late night silence. Taking a deep breath Holtz stepped up to the door and said, "Erin?" The sniffles ceased and after a little bit of silence she continued, "I was on my way to the bathroom and I could hear you. I would ask if you are okay, but I know you would just tell me you are. Can I come in?"

Almost a minute passed and Holtz wondered if she would even receive an answer when a small "yes" came from the darkness.

Holtzmann pushed the door open slowly. The room was faintly illuminated by a nightlight on the far wall and when her eyes adjusted she could see Erin lying on her bed with a pillow clutched to her chest in a death grip.

The sight immediately tugged at Holtzmann's heartstrings and she chewed her bottom lip as she considered her best course of action. She decided that closing the distance between them would be best so she crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed. She wasn't sure what to say as she played nervously with the unfastened snap of her left fingerless glove so she was relieved when Erin spoke first.

"Do you ever feel so alone and you just want someone to hold you? I'm not talking in a sexual way but just in a loving way." She paused then looked over her shoulder at Holtz who nodded. Erin continued, "It's so easy when we're kids. You could always ask for a hug. It wasn't weird or unusual. When we're adults, though, that privilege just vanishes."

Holtzmann noticed Erin's face fall as her own words sunk in, but she shook it off and pushed on.

"I know I have you guys but at night...here in my own room." She faltered a moment as her voice cracked. "Here in my room...it's just so quiet and still. It's just me and my thoughts and I don't like what they have to say. I just feel so...alone."

A wave of sadness settled over Holtz like a thick blanket. How many nights had Erin lain here and cried herself to sleep? The thought made her heart ache and she suddenly realized tears were welling up in her own eyes.

Erin noticed the glistening in the engineer's eyes even in the dim light and spoke with a hint of guilt, "Oh Holtz, don't you cry, too. I didn't mean to make you cry." Erin sat up and scooted across the bed next to Holtzmann and rubbed her back soothingly. She had never seen the blonde get upset.

"I just...hate...to know...you're that sad," Holtzmann choked out, every few words were punctuated by a loud sob.

Erin, touched by the emotion, pulled Holtz into a firm hug and continued rubbing her back. In return, the blonde buried her face in the crook of Erin's neck and savored the affection in the warm embrace. Eventually her sobs tapered off but neither of them pulled away from the other.

"Maybe we could be hug buddies," Holtz mumbled. She was surprised when Erin burst into laughter. She pulled back and looked at the physicist who was laughing hysterically. When it seemed like she was through, she would say "hug buddies" again and the laughter would restart. Holtz couldn't help but laugh along.

When they had finished Erin smiled at Holtzmann and said softly, "I would like that."

Holtz grinned so widely that it crinkled her eyes. "I would like that, too."

"Stay with me?" There was a soft vulnerability in the question that left no doubt in Holtzmann's mind what the correct response was.

"Sure."

Holtz kicked off her old black boots easily since they were pretty much already untied and shrugged out of her lab coat, laying it over the back of a nearby chair. Erin stretched out on the bed and watched her silently. Holtz turned back to the bed and their eyes met. Her nerve disappeared when she saw the redhead lying there waiting for her. Erin sensed her uncertainty and patted the bed beside her.

Holtz nodded absently as she walked over and laid down somewhat stiffly, staring up towards the ceiling. There was about a foot between them and Holtz wasn't sure what to do. Should she keep a respectable distance or was she supposed to be cuddling the other woman? Holtz gulped at the thought of holding Erin and the room suddenly felt a little warmer.

She was startled out of her thoughts when Erin said, "You don't have to stay over there. We could spoon."

Holtzmann felt like the room had gone from warm to a raging inferno in an instant.

Erin heard her suck in a sharp breath so she added, "If you want to."

"I want to," was the whispered response.

"Then come here."

Erin felt the bed shift then Holtz press lightly against her. She scooted back pressing herself more firmly against the engineer who was breathing shakily.

"Give me your arm." Holtz did as she was told with Erin taking it and wrapping it around her waist. "Relax."

Holtz pulled in a deep breath, the scent of Erin's stawberry mint shampoo filling her nostrils, and let it out slowly.

"That's better," Erin said as she stroked the other woman's hand with her thumb. "I'm glad you checked on me."

"I'm glad you had the courage to tell me what was bothering you."

Holtz's praise brought a smile to Erin's face.

"Me, too," Erin agreed with a small contented sigh.

"Do you want me to stay the night?" Holtzmann questioned. She was anxious about asking but felt it should probably be clarified. There was a beat of silence and she swore she could hear Erin swallow. "No pressure," she added. "I just think it would be best for us both to be specific."

"That's true." A slight hesitation and then, "I would like you to stay."

"Okay. I'm kind of comfy anyway," Holtz chuckled.

Erin laughed, too, and said, "Well, I'm glad you find me so comfortable."

For emphasis Holtz nuzzled into Erin's neck with an almost cat-like purr and murmured, "So, so comfy."

Erin snorted in amusement. As she lay there in Holtz's arms feeling the engineer's even breath on the back of her neck she noticed she no longer heard the nagging voices in her mind. There was just pure silence. She felt a peace she hadn't felt for a long time as she drifted off to sleep with a smile on her lips.

It doesn't take long before the occasional hugging became regular hugging and then miscellaneous touching was added to the mix. When they sit to have dinner, Holtz and Erin have their chairs pushed together and shoulders touching. When they are in the lab and Holtz was explaining some equipment, Erin was standing halfway behind her with her chest pressed to the engineer's back as she peered over her shoulder.

Erin had noticeably taken an interest in the equipment Holtz worked on. It was painfully obvious that she was just trying to spend more time in the blonde's vicinity, not that Holtz minded at all. She had schooled Erin on simple tasks to occupy her and the physicist had become quite adept at stripping wires and minor soldering.

As Holtz explained something complicated, judging by Erin's creased brow and face of confusion, their coworkers watched them with curiosity.

"Do you think they're...," Patty started as she leaned towards Abby but kept her eyes on the other two.

"Noooo," the researcher interrupted, but then thought for a moment before she hesitantly added, "At least I think not" and then she looked unsure.

Patty raised her eyebrows in doubt. "If they're not, then they're this close." She made a gesture with her thumb and index finger.

Abby watched her friends for a few minutes longer then said thoughtfully, "It's weird because they seem so different."

"They are," Patty agreed, "but I think that's what they appreciate about each other. Holtzy gets Erin to loosen up and Erin wrangles Holtzy back in. Plus, I have to say, they are cute together."

Abby chuckled and said "Yeah" with a smile.

Across the room Holtzmann had noticed her friends' scrutiny, but didn't let on.

"Erin, they're watching us again," Holtz whispered close enough to her ear that it sent a shiver through the physicist.

Erin fought the strong urge to look in Abby and Patty's direction, kept her eyes on the wire she was stripping.

"Did you look over there?"

"Nope." Erin was pleased with herself.

"Wow. That's a first," Holtz teased with a smirk.

With an indignant squawk, Erin dropped the wire strippers on the table and smacked Holtz on the arm. Holtz returned the favor. As Erin went for another one Holtz grabbed her wrist and then the other when Erin attempted to use her opposite arm. They grappled and giggled for a few moments until Holtzmann got the upper hand and Erin ended up pinned between her and the worktable.

They both fell silent, frozen, and stared intensely at one another. You could hear a pin drop. Holtzmann broke away first clearing her throat as she returned to her work. Erin looked shocked with her hands still in the air. She blinked a few times before she hurried out of the room. Holtz watched her leave with a sigh and turned her attention back to her project.

"Did you see that?" Patty hissed, elbowing Abby.

"Yep. Plain as day. Something may not be happening currently, but like you said, they are this close."

After a half hour passed and when Erin didn't return Abby went to check on her and found her in the kitchen. She was atop a bar stool at the island sipping tea and staring into space seemingly lost in thought. Abby made a show of looking around in the fridge before she took the stool to Erin's right.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Erin replied but continued staring straight ahead.

After a few minutes of silence Abby asked simply, "It's Holtz, isn't it?"

Erin sucked in a deep breath through her nose and her blue eyes dropped to stare into her tea. She didn't look up from the mug before answering, "I feel so confused. I've never felt like this before. I've never been attracted to a woman."

"What's confusing?" Abby prompted as she toyed with a bottle of ketchup that had been left on the counter. She made a mental note to remind Holtz to quit leaving stuff out that belonged in the fridge.

"It's all confusing. What am I now? Am I bi? Am I gay?" Erin put her head in her hands, clearly frustrated.

Placing the ketchup bottle down, Abby rubbed Erin's back and said, "You're still Erin and that is what matters. There's no need to worry about labeling yourself, honey."

Erin's hands dropped from her face and she looked at her childhood friend. The sincerity in her eyes made Erin smile a little despite the burden of her thoughts.

"What do you feel for Holtz? Break it down for me."

Erin sighed and leaned back, looking upwards as if the answers occupied the air above her.

"She makes me happy. I know that probably sounds lame and cliche." Abby shook her head even though Erin didn't see it. "I love to be around her and when I'm not I want to be. Of course, she's funny. We all know that. She makes me smile and laugh. Oh and she's so damn smart. It's fascinating to hear the things that brain of hers comes up with."

"Physically?"

Erin glanced at Abby with a look that said she didn't want to answer, but then she quietly said, "Yes." She realized that wasn't much of an answer so she elaborated, "I doubt anyone would argue that she is beautiful." A dreamy look was noticeable on the physicist's face. "She has the best skin ... and those eyes ... that smile ... those lips ... that crazy hair I just want to put my hands in..."

Realizing she was getting carried away, Erin snapped her mouth shut and, wide-eyed, took a large sip of her tea. Abby saw how red her face was and laughed loudly.

"Oh girl, you have it baaaaaad."

"I guess I do." Erin looked up at her friend with a guilty smirk. "Do you think she feels similarly?" There was a hint of worry in her voice.

"I would say yes," Abby answered without hesitation. "Patty and I both see it. You two look at each other the same way. It's as if the other is the only thing that matters in the universe."

Erin's rolled her eyes and mumbled, "That's a little grand, don't you think?"

Abby put her hands up. "Hey, that's how it looks to me."

"What do you think I should do?"

Abby placed a hand on Erin's shoulder. "I would just go with whatever happens. Don't overthink it. Don't run away from it, because if you run away too many times she will probably think you're not interested."

Erin breathed deep and nodded, realizing the researcher was right.

"Well, I'm going to get back to work. It will all be okay," Abby assured her as she stood and stretched slightly.

"Thanks for the talk."

Abby glanced over her shoulder with a warm smile as she put the ketchup back in the fridge. "Anytime, Erin. Anytime."

When Abby left to check on Erin, Patty decided to say something to Holtzmann. The blonde had been quiet for far longer than usual and frowned at the paper in front of her as if it had personally offended her.

"Whatcha doin'?" Patty asked conversationally as she sauntered over towards Holtz and leaned on the worktable. "Making some new crazy machine?"

"Nothing much," Holtz answered with uncharacteristic flatness, eyes down on the paper.

It was a blueprint, but when Patty got close enough she saw the engineer had only doodled in the margins. There were various shapes and angular lines scattered at random intervals. What stood out, though, were the handful of frowning faces among the other doodles.

"If you want to talk I'm-" Patty began but was cut off mid-sentence by Holtzmann.

"I'm fine, Patty," she grumbled as she snatched her blueprint from the table. She balled it up and threw it towards a nearby trash. When it missed by a mile she growled and shook her head. She didn't bother to pick it up, but fiddled with knobs on some machine hoping that Patty would take the hint.

"That's not even on."

The engineer rolled her eyes and flipped the switch to power it up.

Holtz continued to fool with the knobs until a horrible screech emitted from the device. She made a few adjustments and when the noise stopped she looked back over her shoulder. Patty was still standing there. Holtz focused on the knobs once more.

"You can be really passive-agressive, you know that?" Patty sounded slightly exasperated. "For the record, Abby and I both think she likes you."

Holtz froze. She didn't look back as she questioned, "You do? What about how she practically ran out of here?" She frowned at the thought.

"Definitely. I think this is all just so new to her."

Holtz turned to Patty with an inquisitive glint in her eyes and a tilt of her head. Patty hesitated before deciding there was no use being vague.

"Abby is pretty sure Erin has never had a thing for a woman before so she's kind of ..." She seemed unable to place the appropriate word.

"Freaked out?" Holtz supplied.

Patty shrugged. "Maybe. Just don't take things like her rushing out of here earlier the wrong way."

Holtzmann's brow furrowed in thought and when she spoke the words came out slowly, calculated. "Erin is so emotional and sometimes I don't know what to do...especially on the spur of a moment."

"And I think she knows that, Holtzy. I don't think she would hold it against you for you being yourself. Don't beat yourself up over it."

Holtzmann nodded absently as she processed Patty's advice. "Okay. Gotcha," she said, looking up. "Ill talk to her later."

That evening Holtz noticed Erin relaxing on the couch downstairs reading. Sneaking up behind the unsuspecting physicist, Holtz vaulted over the back of the couch, landing on the cushion beside her.

Erin shrieked. "Jesus, Holtz!" she admonished while she whacked the cackling blonde with her book.

Even though the acrobatics had irritated Erin she couldn't help but smile fondly as Holtz snuggled into her side and asked, "Eeeeerin, whatcha reading?" in an adorable child's voice.

"Just some generic mystery. It's not really that interesting." She placed a bookmark between the pages and set it on the couch arm.

Holtz couldn't contain a squeak of delight when Erin encircled her shoulders with an arm and pulled her closer. Erin chuckled at the engineer's excitement but then sucked in a breath when Holtzmann nuzzled into the crook of her neck and draped an arm across her belly.

They stayed like that for quite a while before Holtz said in a small voice, "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier." She felt Erin tense slightly.

"You didn't. It's okay."

Holtz heard the nervous timbre of her voice.

"Then why did you walk out?" she countered.

"I...uh...I-I...," Erin stammered.

"Erin, do you like me?"

The sudden shift in subject matter left Erin momentarily flustered.

"Yes, of course, I do," she reassured Holtzmann, sounding confused.

"Do you like-like me?" Holtz's voice was nothing more than a whisper and she maneuvered to look up at Erin.

The physicist sucked in a sharp breath. 'No running away this time' she thought to herself and then breathed out a tremulous "yes".

When she finally returned Holtz's stare, the apprehension and uncertainty were unmistakable. It showed through the tears welling up in her pained blue eyes.

"I just feel so jumbled right now. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way as if I'm insulting gay people by not easily accepting it."

"Well, on behalf of gay people everywhere I can say that we are thicker skinned than that." She was trying to lighten the mood.

Erin snickered but then the tears started in earnest.

"Hey, hey," Holtz whispered soothingly as she placed a palm to Erin's cheek. "It's okay. I get that it is scary and confusing." A few tears fell, Holtz brushed them away and continued, "You're questioning a basic part of yourself that you thought you knew. It's undoubtedly disconcerting. Just know this, babe...it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. You've just discovered something about yourself."

"At 42?" Erin blurted out incredulously.

"Age has nothing to do with it. It honestly means nothing if you're 42 or 22. All in your own time. There's no wrong way to navigate this."

They stared into each others eyes for a minute before Erin smiled a tiny smile and said, "You're such a sweetheart." She leaned and kissed Holtz's forehead gently.

Holtz beamed. "I try." She wanted so badly to kiss Erin but concluded it was best to allow the other woman to set the pace.

In that same instant Erin wondered if they were going to kiss. The back of her mind screamed "yes!" but she felt paralyzed. She was relieved when the choice was made for her when Holtz nuzzled back into her neck.

'All in due time,' she thought as she rested her cheek on the top of the blonde's head and soaked in the affection.

Over the next week Holtzmann cooled her flirting with Erin. Of course she still flirted but she dialed back the intensity so she didn't make Erin feel pressured. Abby noticed the change and, thinking something was wrong, pulled Holtz aside one day to ask how things were going.

"No, no, Abby. Everything's good. Honestly," the engineer attested as she casually leaned against the wall and crossed her arms. "We talked the other day and she admitted she likes me."

That information made Abby's eyebrows go up and a smile graced her face. "Really!? Oh, Holtzmann! That's awesome!"

"We didn't kiss or anything. We're just really cozy," Holtz said with a shrug. "I think she is trying to still accept the fact that she likes a woman, though, so I wanted to give her a little space. Not rush her, you know?"

"Really good thinking. Erin can be somewhat skittish," Abby commented with a knowing eyeroll.

"Yeah. For sure."

"Well, good luck." Abby patted Holtzmann's crossed arms and gave a thumbs up, which Holtz returned, as she walked away.

When she walked into the lab, Holtzmann noticed Erin at her own desk focused intently on some paperwork in front of her. She wrote furiously with a pencil before she stopped to glare at the work with a low growl and a frustrated tap of the pencil against the paper.

As Holtzmann soldered some wires she intermittently observed the scientist before she eventually turned her attention fully to her work. She was so focused that she was startled when Erin suddenly threw her pencil at a nearby wall.

"Having a hard time over there, babe?" Holtz called out. She placed her soldering iron on its stand and pushed her goggles up.

Erin sighed heavily in frustration and dropped her head into her hands. When she spoke her words were muffled by her hands, but Holtz could make out "I can not figure this out."

"You probably need to rest that beautiful brain of yours. Come here."

Erin looked up from her palms to see Holtz standing with outstretched arms and sympathetic eyes. She rushed over to the engineer and fell into her arms with such force that Holtz took a step back to maintain her balance. She rocked the physicist and made low comforting sounds. They stayed like that for several minutes before Holtz felt the tension finally dissipate from Erin's body.

Holtz leaned back, placed a hand on Erin's face and asked, "You better?"

Staring back into the engineer's sky blue eyes while in her arms, Erin found she couldn't get any words out so she nodded. She was unable to remember the last time someone had looked at her with such concern, care and...could that be love? She gulped and bit her bottom lip. It didn't escape her attention how Holtz's eyes went from hers down to her lips.

When Holtz's eyes came back up, her voice was the softest Erin had ever heard it as she asked, "May I kiss you?"

And there it was. The question. The time for deliberation was over. Pencils down. Turn in your test, Erin Gilbert.

"Yes," Erin somehow forced out even though she was certain she had stopped breathing after Holtz's question.

Then Holtzmann's lips were on hers; so soft, warm and gentle. Erin wrapped her arms around her and pulled her closer. As the engineer did the same Erin felt the spark of arousal shoot through her and she wondered why she had even debated this. Yes, it was a woman but it felt so damned good.

When they finally separated, Holtz couldn't help but chuckle at the dazed look on the other woman's face. "You all right there, babe?"

Erin knew she was grinning like an idiot, but she didn't care.

"That good, huh?" Holtz sounded a tad smug.

"Definitely." Erin shook her head in apparent amazement. "Never in a billion years did I think I would fall in love with a woman, but there's just something about you, Holtz...something special."

Holtzmann's grin was so bright that it could have lit half of New York City. "You're in love with me?"

"Of course, silly," Erin replied. "I don't know exactly when it happened, but one day I realized duh!" She slaps her forehead. "You're in love with that woman, Erin! I was just too chicken to do anything about it." She averted her eyes, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself." Holtz used a finger on her chin to turn Erin's face back towards her. "You're doing something about it now."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," Holtz breathed as she pulled her in for another kiss.