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I get woken up in the night by a gentle kick against my ribs from the person laying next to me. I groan, rubbing my eyes to try and wake myself up. Simon is having a bad dream again. He’s whining like a scared dog and twitching and kicking in his sleep. He does this when his dream is about a bad memory of his.
I sit up, leaning on my arm and reaching a hand over to tuck the dark curls from his face. His mutations are flaring up from the stress and he feels super warm. His face is absolutely drenched in tears and more keep falling. his fingers twitch sharply, and he murmurs something unrecognisable. I sigh softly and start to run my hand through his hair soothingly.
I hate waking him up when he’s like this. I always frighten him. On occasions I can settle him without needing to wake him up, so I try to calm him like this. Not much luck, I’m seeing.
I slide my hand under his head, cupping his right cheek where it lays against the mattress, and I lean down to blow cool air onto his face to hope it’ll wake him up gently.
Whatever he’s saying is getting clearer now.
“No…no- no…” he mumbles. “I- I didn’t mean to-“
I bite back my own emotions, frowning and tucking my bottom lip under the top. I watch in sadness as more tears roll down his face, completely tense and twitching. It hurts to watch.
“Please- didn’t…m-m…ean to…don’t leave me…”
I can’t bare it. I have to wake him up.
I reach a hand over and carefully shake his shoulder. “Simon…”
He whimpers again. “m-mm…”
“Si, my love…” I shake his shoulder again, firmly but not to hurt him.
He then flinches hard and opens his eyes, gasping and sobbing through his words. “M-mama-!”
He turns and looks up at me and covers his mouth when he realises he yelled. He didn’t mean to. I immediately go to comfort him.
“Hey, shhh…I’m here. I’m here, Si.” I soothe.
He stares up at me, bewildered. His bottom lip shakes for a moment, still in shock until he completely folds in on himself.
He then curls up into a ball and hides his face in his arm, sobbing and shaking like a little kid. It’s also out of embarrassment, I can tell.
“Grace-” he whines, sniffling and crying for me. “Grace…”
“I’m here…” I speak softly. “I’m right here. Don’t panic. It’s alright.”
I don’t know what happened in his dream but clearly it was very upsetting for him. I know he’s spiralling in that protective barrier he’s made in the bend of his elbow, doing anything to avoid the reality of the situation.
Carefully, I slide my hands under his arms and use all my strength to lift him up, getting his arm over my shoulder for a little help. There’s no resistance. I cuddle him tightly, one arm around his back and the other supporting his head as it nuzzles my collarbone and tucks itself away in the safety of my neck.
“Oh, Si…” The way he’s crying into me is breaking my heart. I hold him tightly, rocking from side to side and trying so desperately to calm him. He’s limp in my arms. He’s never this inconsolable after a nightmare. I try so hard to soothe him and I hope it’s working more than it looks.
“I- I didn’t mean to- I didn’t wanna do it…” he cries out, gasping for his breath between words.
I shush him gently, burying my nose in his hair. “Didn’t want to do what, sweetheart?” I ask. “Talk to me, tell me what happened…”
He sniffles, trying to shut up his crying for a just a moment to speak. “On Eden…they- my brothers c-convinced me to…take out a whole group of people t-to sacrifice…” he stutters out.
I keep holding and rocking him, listening. I let him take his time.
“I didn’t mean to…I didn’t want t-to do it…I was covered in their blood and…” he pauses to try and catch his breath. “My mama looked at me l-like she didn’t recognise m-me anymore. She left me. I didn’t want her to go. she knew we had to make sacrifices for the tree but…I-i went too far. A-and-“
I calm the new wave of sobs, rocking him back and forth. He’s crying like a little kid and it hurts.
“I was a kid, i didn’t know…I kept crying for her but she wouldn’t even l-look at me…”
“Simon, listen.” I say, pulling away slightly. His face slips from my neck. I reach a hand up to wipe the tears from his face. I know it’s futile, but I do it anyway. He fights with his emotions.
“Grace-“ he sobs again. He keeps crying for me even though I’m right here. I can’t take it.
“Shhh…” I cup his face in both of my hands and he melts, leaning into the warm touch and squeezing his eyes shut. I look at him for a moment before I speak.
“Eden was a cult. I’ve told you this.” He grabs my hand before I can pull it away and keeps it pressed to his cheek. “You were raised thinking it was normal to do this, and of course it upsets me that you’ve hurt people. It does. But I know that you didn’t know any better. You were told it was normal.”
He sniffles, still clinging to my arm so I don’t pull my hand away from his face. The contact is keeping him sane.
“Simon. You’re not a bad person.”
He looks up at me with the saddest puppy eyes I’ve ever seen before flopping back into my arms. I can tell he’s just exhausted from crying but he can’t seem to stop. I don’t know what else to do but hold him tight and rock him back and forth. He just wants to be held.
“It’s okay…” I soothe, pressing a small kiss to his head. “Deep breaths for me. It’s alright. I got you.”
Finally, he starts to calm down. I try to manoeuvre us so that we can lay down, but he has a tight hold on me. I try to pry him away, but he won’t let up, so I have to improvise. I lay down with him so that he’s laying on top of me, head on my chest. This way I can wrap my arms around him and he can still feel embraced all around him which he needs right now to feel safe. pressure really comforts him sometimes.
Poor thing is exhausted. He’s stopped shaking at least, but he’s flopped over me limply like a ragdoll. I think he’s stopped crying, but I honestly can’t tell.
He sniffs and moves to tuck under my chin. “M’sorry…” he murmurs, the fight completely gone from his voice. I can tell he’s embarrassed by how much he was crying. “I don’t know what that was about…”
I get like this too. It’s such a raw, vulnerable feeling you feel after pouring your heart out and sobbing until you can’t breathe. It’s a calm that feels safer than normal somehow. Like an apology from the universe. it makes you want to hug something. Have something to hold. I can only assume that’s why he’s clinging to me so tight.
“Just go back to sleep.” I tell him. “It’s okay now.”
he nods slowly and nuzzles his cheek against my chest for a moment before settling down and exhaling deeply.
I run my hands through his dark hair, lulling him slowly back to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open myself, but I fight sleep just a little longer until he’s drifted off. Once I’m sure of it I let my own eyes close. We were rid of the nightmares once again.