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Nakamura is floating. His eyes are shut and he feels calm and peaceful, not breathing, just being.
He’s suspended in water and as he opens his eyes he is surrounded by colourful fish, octopus, seahorses, all the marine life he can think of.
But those fish are swarming anxiously around him.
As though a bolt of lightning hits him, whatever peace and contentment he once had has left as he realises he’s trapped, swimming forward he hits a wall of glass and his anxiety only intensifies.
He looks around and eventually down to see black tentacles protruding from his body where his legs should be, and suddenly all three hearts deep in his body pound at a quick gallop, his palms hitting the glass along with the rhythm.
He feels abnormal, he’s not right, he’s different.
He looks past the glass and sees the normal people stopping and looking, like he’s some freak, and he can’t help but feel like he is. The glass container seems to get smaller. They look at him like he’s crazy, and tap on the glass waiting for him to do something else weird.
The more he looks the more he notices that these people aren’t just random people, they’re his classmates, and they’re disgusted by him. They’re judging him, he’s so unlike them and a part of him feels it’s justified.
He scans the crowd and there is Hirose, just watching, like everyone else.
Hirose is normal, Nakamura is not. Hirose has a desperate look on his face.
He feels tears welling in his eyes but they blend into the water surrounding him. He’s drowning. Water is filling his lungs and everything is going blurry but Hirose’s face. He squeezes his eyes shut.
He can’t breathe.
“Nakamura!” he hears Hirose say from the audience.
He can’t open his eyes to see him. His tentacles slowly encapsulate his body and Nakamura is completely consumed by darkness, and couldn’t feel further from the people on the other side of the glass.
He is alone.
He is other.
He. Can’t. Breathe.
“NAKAMURA!”
Nakamura opens his eyes and sees a concerned Hirose looking down at him from next to him on the bed.
He looks around and he notices it’s his bedroom. It wasn’t real. It was that dream, again.
“Nakamura, are you ok? You were having a nightmare.”
He invited Hirose over to his house to stay the night
Hirose reaches up to his face and wipes tears he didn’t know were there. And with that he can’t help but turn into his boyfriend and hugs his chest. The tears keep falling into his chest, and Hirose hugs him back, tucking Nakamura’s head under his chin and plays with the hair on the back of his head. He doesn’t say anything and let’s Nakamura sit there.
“I’m always on the other side of glass.” he cries.
“Nakamura, do you want to talk about it? I don’t know what you mean, how do I help?” Hirose leans back and looks him in the eyes, laced with concern, laced with love.
“I keep having this dream, it’s like how it was before, I’m by myself and I’m different to everyone else and I can’t breathe. And you’re there, and you’re with everyone watching because I’m not like you. You’re cool and charming and you’re able to talk to everyone, and I’m like some leech that’s always with you now, making everything awkward for you and your friends. And I feel their stares on my back, and feel judgement everywhere I go, and it won’t go away…”
Hirose’s stare makes him close in on himself even more. He hopes the darkness will hide him, but the moonlight is illuminating Hirose’s stare, so he knows there’s no backing away now.
“I just- I feel like me being around is just bringing you down with me, I don’t want you to feel their stares too, I don’t want you to be on this side of the glass with me. Maybe you should just leave me, it would be for the better because then- then you don’t have to be… like me, you don’t have to be judged for being around me, and things can go back to the way they were, and I’ll be alone but it’s ok because- because then you get to have everything back-”
“Okuto.” Hirose’s eyes are shiny with tears, “Please stop, I can’t take it”
Nakamura doesn’t even register that Hirose used his first name. He’s never done that before. Instead he squeezes his eyes shut, scared of what will come next.
“You are everything.” Nakamura takes a breath, and peeks at his boyfriend.
“I wouldn’t get everything back because I wouldn’t have you. And I’m not going to let you leave for reasons like that, no matter what you think is right for me in your head, it’s not true and you will never be something that brings me down. Ever since I’ve met you, you’ve only made my life better. I wish I could take all your anxiety away and make you feel like you belong, because you deserve to feel loved by everyone, and you deserve to feel free from judgement.”
Hirose takes a breath and wipes his eyes for a second, maintaining eye contact. He brushes Nakamura’s fringe out of his face a little to get a better look.
“I really wish you could see what I see Okuto, because what I see is kind, smart, passionate, amazing, cute, just an incredible boy that deserves everything and more. You shouldn’t have to hide, because who you are is beautiful.”
This time Nakamura catches Hirose using his first name and he blushes, feeling shocked.
“Hirose-”
“Just…” Hirose interrupts bowing his head with tears in eyes, Nakamura feels bad for saying anything to begin with. “Please don’t leave because you want to best for me, because you’re the best for me. You’re what makes school bright, you’re what makes me smile when there’s nothing else to smile about, you make me laugh harder than any of my friends. I never feel awkward around you, because you feel like a part of me, and not in the leech way you described, like a part of my very being.”
Nakamura still feels like he can’t breathe, but for a different reason, he’s overwhelmed by all this reassurance.
“I will never ever let you be alone.”
Nakamura’s tears stop running down his face and simply stares in shock at Hirose for a second before hugging him.
“Hirose, I’m sorr-”
“Don’t you dare apologise right now.” Hirose pushes him away a bit and looks back up at him, tears not budging from his round, brown eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it more clear how much I need you…”
Before Nakamura can reply, Hirose is kissing him. It’s sweet. It’s home.
They pull away from and take a beat, looking into each other’s eyes in the moonlight, before Hirose brings Nakamura into another hug.
“I wish I didn’t have to feel this way, I wish that I could feel like I’m all the things you said, but I can’t, not yet anyway.” Nakamura whispers into Hirose, his head rested in the crook of Hirose’s neck.
“I know.” Hirose says simply, “I hope I can make you understand, eventually, how much you’re wanted.”
Nakamura could cry again, but he hasn’t a drop left in him so he simply squeezes his boyfriend tighter. He would apologise again but he knows Hirose wouldn’t want that.
A breath.
“I love you Aiki.”
Hirose kisses the top of Nakamura’s head, and brings his boyfriend even closer, both feeling grounded by their closeness.
“I love you too Okuto, more than anything.”
And there, with that said, in his boyfriend’s arms, he can rest once again.