Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The war is over.

No really,look at that,it's over. No more children dying,no more oppression,no more...nothing,
now I can spend the rest of my days drunk out of my mind.

Hehe,he would probably slap me in the face if he could hear my thoughts right now...nah,
Peeta would take five thousand bullets for me before he would let anyone hurt me,much less do it himself.

My name is Katniss Everdeen,I'm 40 years old,I was (am?) a minners daughter,
a huntress,a tribute,a victor,a mentor,a drunk and lastly a helper on the revolution(war) that we just won.

The kids are fine I think,the boy can barely speak,but he'll get over it once the girl gets home.

He reminds me of Peeta.

The girl will be here any day now,the Doc said she's doing great,and before I left I thought the same too.

I wouldn't have left if I didn't thought so.

It's strange. If anyone told me I would end up like this at 12 years old I would have kicked that person's ass
...and probably killed myself after.

I was reaped with 15,for the Second Quarter Quell. That year 4 kids for each District was reaped, I got "lucky" the only person I actually knew from the other 3 kids reaped with me was Madge. She was the closest thing I had to a normal friend back then.
During our games she became my friend.

She died in my arms.

When I came back home,I couldn't sleep,couldn't be the girl I was before. That took a toll on my little sister Prim.
But she always had a smile ready for me when I needed. My days consisted on long walks on the woods (I didn't hunt anymore),and
spending time with my mom waiting for Prim to get home.
When she was home It was the only time we felt alive and awake.

You see,my mom was never the same once my Dad died. I used to blame and resent her before my games.
I understood her better after them. It was one of the two good things that I got out of the games,I sort of got my mom back. Plus we didn't starve anymore.

Back then there was Gale too. He was my hunting partner,after Madge died,there was only him in my life,aside from my family.
After the games we became a couple. I was never in love with him,and could never be his wife,even before the games.
After? Unthinkable,I would never put a child in this world,as a victor I would rather die then to have my children reaped to suffer the same way I did.

It didn't matter,my mom,Gale and my dear sweet Prim were taken from me two weeks after I came back.
I was returning from the lake,I had decided to take Prim there,finally,to tell more about Dad,and teach her
how to swim,only to find our house on fire,and in the same day an "accident" on the mines took Gale's life.

I haven't been on the woods since then.

Haymitch took his own life that year. If it was the Capitol I didn't care,I was to far gone to notice.

I was swallowed in darkness since that point.

It took me two years to "become" my old mentor. Two Hunger Games,two years
of watching those children I trained,and cared for dying
for nothing for me to give up.

I should be dead. Cinna cared for me when I was in the Capitol,and so did Effie and the other victors,but I spend 11 months
in District 12,so how come I'm still alive?

It happened after the first time I almost drowned in my own vomit,2 months after the 52th Hunger Games.
It was raining...it was Prim's birthday.

I've never drinked so much before then. I actually died that day. When I came to me I was in my bad,throwing up at 03:00am.
It was after I started throwing up blood(the little I had eaten was gone long ago)that I noticed the hand on my back,helping me.

When I looked up I saw none other than Peeta Mellark looking back at me.
After I was done he gave me a glass of water and started telling me what happened.

Apparently he decided to pay me a visit and bring me some cheese buns. After I came home,everyday I stopped at the bakery to buy a few,some cookies for Prim and cupcakes to eat with the Hawthornes.I stopped after they died.

I wouldn't learn for a few years that the reason he came to my house that day was to see how I was since I hadn't been seen in public for years now,aside from when the games started.

He told me he saw the bottles on the floor,how the house was horrible,and that he saw me. Lying on the floor with a bottle on my hand and gurgling in my own vomit. I wouldn't want to have been on his shoes then.

He resurrected me,a skill I didn't know he had,and cleaned me up the best he could,
and stayed with me while I slept.

Strange...I didn't have a nightmare that night.

Since that day Peeta would check on me once a week,every Saturday. I was always too drunk at first to exchange too many words with him. Aside from yelling at him to get the hell out of my house,and leave me alone.

He never did.

After a couple of years I started to get sober on the day he came to visit. Why? I don't know. God knows I wish I could never have a coherent thought ever again. But I wasn't Haymitch,I wasn't a functional drunk. Every time he came he would always clean up my kitchen first,where bottles upon bottles piled up. And then the living room,where he would pick me up from the floor,and clean ME up. I was to far gone to care if my-THE boy with the bread was cleaning my own vomit out of me.

I decided to keep my self relatively sober on Friday nights and Saturdays when once,Peeta was cleaning me up and I saw him. I was under the shower,naked,smelling putrid,with eyes sore from crying,I was probably the most disgusting thing in all Panem,and I saw Peeta looking at me. With tears in his eyes,but with more love and care in then then anyone I've ever seen,like I was the only good thing in Panem. I didn't deserve those tears,that's why I decided to be sober on Saturdays.

But I wouldn't acknowledge that.

I would snap at him at first. Then,as if nothing happened,he started talking to me as an old friend.
He told me how things were in the Market,in the Seam,as far as he knew at least,and with the people I know(or used to know...it felt like a life time ago).

Apparently Delly was going to marry Thom... a Seam and a Townie(he glared at me when I said that) together...look at that.

"They love each other,that's more important than from where they are or came from".

I didn't "knew" Peeta back then,but even so,hearing those words from his mouth seemed right...it didn't stop my bitter remarks but I digress.

Since I started drinking I wasn't me anymore. The Capitol changed me before that,but I changed myself too. I was bitter,cold even.
The fact that Peeta was the one receiving my negative words hurted a little,since he was the only person in District 12 that I had contact with...but when was Effie it was kinda of ok.

When I came back from the Capitol the year Finnick won I drinked to celebrate. Peeta even drinked with me once he saw my smile.

He hadn't seen one from me in over a decade.

That year was the last one I was sold as a Capitol sexdoll. Aparently alcohol destroys your body after long consume.
Huh,look at that.
I took Peeta to the meadow and told him so. He didn't say a word to me after that for the whole day. "So if I want him to shut the hell up I just have to talk about how I was a sex slave for who ever paid Snow more?Seems simple enough".

When he carried me to the Victor's Village that night he put me to bad. And waited to see if I was going to throw up to leave. I wasn't,at this point I already knew how much I could drink before putting everything out.Besides,it seemed a waste. Peeta had made me cheese buns that afternoon,I was never going to disrespect his food(and care for me) like that.

When he tought I was asleep he got up to leave. But stopped at the door to say in a whisper"They could never turn you in something less than perfect Katniss".

When he came the next Saturday he found me drunk. It was a shock for him,he hasn't seen me drunk in years.At least I tought so.
I heard him that night. What he said made no sense. I killed Marvel,I killed Glimmer,I killed Cato. I let Rue die. Prim,Mom,Gale's deaths were all one me. I was perfect,the perfect murderer. And I told him so.

What happened next? He came closer to me. Took the half empty bottle number IT DOESN'T MATTER of the day from my hand,and threw it on the ground "Oy" "I'll be the one to clean it,so shut up".

He took my chin in his hand,it was soft,and warm,and lifted my head so I was facing him,and kissed me.

Now,Peeta wasn't my first kiss. I don't count the kisses those "people" from the Capitol gave me as kisses.Gale was my first kiss.
It had a lot of feeling behind them. Hope,love,joy,all feelings he put on them once I came back from my Games.

But it was never like this. In my life,I have a lot of regrets. Not running alway before the reaping,not saving Rue,not letting Cato,or Clove,or Tresh,or anyone in the arena,kill me. Not saving my family,not saving Haymitch...been drunk for the first time Peeta kissed me ranks pretty high in the list.

Even with my hazy memory,I still remember to feel fire inside me back then. It wasn't much,I was all but dead inside,but that kiss brought me back to life. Cinna and Haymitch used to say I was the Girl on Fire,and even Gale agreed. After...well after what happened I saw it myself. I was but a fire burning out. The Capitol put a definitive end to that.

But Peeta? He was a Tree. Strong,tall,planted next to that burned fire. He would gladly give his wood,himself,to make the fire burn again. And the Capitol would gladly chop him down to stop him. When I came to me I was tucked in my bed with him.

Strange...I didn't have Nightmares that night.

We didn't have sex,I wanted to give myself for him last night,but Peeta was too
much of a gentleman to do so with me while I was drunk. The next morning I came to that realization.
The Capitol would destroy him,essentially destroying whatever was left of me together,if they knew.
So I threw him out,saying to never come back.

And he never did.

The next day,a Monday,I realize what I did. I've thrown alway my dandelion.
My companion. He have been there for me for all those years.Aside from Cinna,he was my only true friend...I also realized I was falling for him.

I drunk myself to sleep that night,only to realize before passing out that I had already falled.

That was the year I became aware of the resistence. My feelings for District 13 were not pleasant. But with it,I realized,lied hope.

Hope for a country where I didn't have to teach kids how to fight only to go to their deaths. A country where Peeta could have a wife,and kids,and not fear for them...a country where a broken doll like me could be with Peeta if he wanted.

That was the year I became an agent of District Thirteen.

Chapter Text

Life as a Spy

From that point on,every reaping,every Hunger Games became different. While the thing I wanted the most in both occasions was to be so drunk that I couldn't even register what happened,I have to be alert...or as alert as I could considering that in those days(weeks,I wasn't really counting anymore) my nightmares were so strong that I couldn't bear them alone.

About six years after Peeta started to come to my house,he started to come in the morning of the reaping. He was fearing I would end up falling from the stage like Haymitch did. I understand that fear now.

He used to hear me talk,and hold me while I cried,screaming I didn't want to go back there,that it wasn't fair. I may seem childish,but untill you know what is like bringing in the train back kids you watched die,kids that you couldn't help,kids you trained...then you'll know what is like.

I hope you never know what is like.

Two months ago I send Peeta alway to never come back. I couldn't say why I couldn't be his...lover?girlfriend?wife?No,I couldn't be those things to anyone. Hell I took a big risk been his friends for all those 11 years. I'm surprised none of his nephews were reaped since he became my friend.

Now?Now I find myself drunk,barely able to understand what Effie is saying on the stage(thank God),but still sober enough to see any reaction from the public,if anything stands out.

You see,when Haymitch's old friend Chaff told me about the resistance,he also gave me instructions. In the train I should watch the reapings,see if any Mentor give a sign,that they found our symbol. The symbol in question would be someone to inspire the fight in Panem. To give the Twelve Districts a spark. District 13 had the weapons,the equipment,but not the man power necessary to overthrow the Capitol. Not with out the support of the other ones.

Heck the battle plan was already done. According to what Chaff knows,once it started,we would have to gain the support of the other districts,and thus cutting their supplies to the Capitol. They would crumble on their own with out us...very Symbolic I would say.

But with out The Spark,we wouldn't be able to convince the poorest districts,and with out their numbers,we wouldn't convince the wealthiest ones.

Until then it seemed simple enough,see if any tribute could make the people fight?Or in my case see if any of my tributes had that gift. Been drunk while doing so seemed ok too. The tricky part came with what I had to do while on my district.

I always bought my alcohol from the Capitol,say what you want about them,but they had good drinks and good food. When I started I tried with Ripper's stuff. I felt like dying inside with just a taste. And for someone who is already dead inside to feel like dying gives you a perspective of how much I couldn't stomach that.

So every week I called Effie,telling her I needed more. I think it broke her heart to see me following my Mentor footsteps. I think it was then that I realized that she actually cared. Well that or she couldn't stand her first and only Victor to be a drunken hag.

Instead of calling Effie,I started to walk to The Hob to buy my own liquor. Since I'd always go sober I could keep my ears open to any talk of uprisings. As the years went on I gave up. The sheer look of defeat on those people faces told me how much of a chance our District have of making an uprising.

But not everything was bad. Ripper became a sort of friend,and so did Sae. After Peeta...well after him,I didn't watched what I eaten,if I eated at all. So to catch up,and to actually have something to throw up I started to come to her stand every week before going to Ripper's.

If when I was a kid I never had the courage to actually ask what was inside of her stew when I hunted what she made...now that there was no hunters on the District I feared I might actually die if I knew WHAT was in that stuff.

Funny,after a while there was always a loaf of fresh baked bread with my bowl,and my bowl only...but I never paid much attention to it. Even if Sae never actually had the money to buy said bread.

In the year Johana won I meet Sae's granddaughter. Her name was Molly. She wasn't quite alright in the head,but then again I didn't consider myself fine either. I liked her.

The other good thing about my visits to the District was that on my way back i could sneak behind the bakery and look to see how Peeta was. He seemed healthy enough. Still strong,stock build,with a smile ready for everyone. But for those who looked close enough he wasn't the same anymore.

Every time he smiled it never quite reached his eyes. He carried an air of melancholy with him. It hurted to know I couldn't be with him. It hurted ten times more knowing that I was the cause of his pain.

Ever since I realized I was in love with Peeta Mellark something changed inside me. Before,I drinked to kill myself. Slowlly and painless(most of the time). Poisoning my body so it could kill my mind and the cruel images it conjured,images that hunted whatever was left of my heart. When he entered my life I found someone who I could rely on. I didn't tell him the monstrosities Snow made me do when I was in the Capitol. I didn't tell him about my nightmares,how I watched every single DAMN night of my life(and even during the day) my dear sister and my mom burning to ashes before my eyes,or about my Dad and Gale been blow to bits,or how Marvel,Cato and Glimmer would haunt me during the day,or how I cried for my dead tributes.

No,I didn't tell him that. I spend my time looking at the wall listening to him talking to me,the ghosts didn't come when he was with me. But when they did,he held me,keeping them alway. If I could tell him,I would,he never asked,but we both knew that if I didn't open up there would be no healing.

Healing...strange,that word was never in my mind before he came around either. I think I was falling for him when I decided to stop drinking when he visited. It was back then that this word,strange as it was,came back to me. I wanted to get better. To be better.
My boy with the bread always gave me hope,even when I didn't have any,his was enough for both of us.

He started training his godson on the bakery. His middle brother,Ryan(Rye for short) married early on,and his older brother Dannick married the butcher's daughter. Peeta ended up getting the bakery for him,but never married. His godson,Davin was Delly's daughter. Thom died last year,he was their only child. Delly's father let Thom be his apprentice if he adopted the Cartwright's name. Easy deal,anything is better then work at the mines.

Since Peeta had no kids to help him out he decided to get Delly and Davin as helpers. The Cartwright's would pass their business to their younger son. But as long as Peeta was paying them they wouldn't be jobless. Besides, I think it does Peeta some good to be near his friend and his godson...God knows I wish I was there instead.

As the years passed I made some friendships in the Capitol as well. Chaff was the first one,he took care of me once Haymitch was gone. And so did Mags,an old Victor from District 4. Looking at her you would never guess she was a career tribute. As I grew older I passed along the favor. My favorites were Finnick and Johana. Both of them understand me well. Johana understands the pain of having their loved ones killed,hehe,she even has my sense of humor. She is bitter,and can seem uncaring,but I know that just like me there still something inside...she just needs someone like Peeta to reach it.

Finnick was the other one. While he didn't understand mine and Joh's pain,I understood his own sacrifice all to well. Even with my family killed Snow could still ruin my District. During my Victory Tour I realized we got it easy in Twelve. Our Peace Keepers seemed friendly compared to the ones in Eleven or Eight. And Snow could,and WOULD do the same to District Twelve if I didn't cooperate. I didn't care really,at the time I was to dead inside to feel anything they did to me. Only after Peeta came to the picture and made me want to live again that the pain became real. Good thing I was drunk all the time and when I wasn't I had Peeta's arms to comfort me.

A few years after Finnick won another tribute from District Four became a victor. Annie Cresta. If Finnick wanted to rebel against Snow after Annie he wouldn't dream about it. He found in her the same hope I found on Peeta. Too bad that hope was taken from him. Snow wouldn't let his sex toy marry some crazy broken girl while he could be useful been the plaything of some Capitol freak.

After finding this out 4 years ago I told him and Joh about the rebels. After that there was a light in their eyes that wasn't there since they came out of the arena. They had a reason to fight again.

And that was what happened in the last 9 years. This is the reaping of the 74th Hunger Games. I lost any hope of The Spark coming out of my district years ago. I was giving up on any chance of been able to be with Peeta. Hell,one of my worst fears was that we actually win the war,only for me to die on him after so much poison I drinked. Only Two more years and I wouldn't even be able to be a mother.

I never wanted children. After becoming a victor I didn't even called then kids in my head anymore,only potential tributes. When I looked at Molly's innocent eyes I didn't thought "She is the only person in the Seam to still have that glint in the eyes",I looked at her and started to think she wouldn't even get the chance to run from the bloodbath. That made me sick,what they have done to me?

But even so,watching Peeta taking care of Davin every week on my journey back to the Victor's Village made me want that. Not for me,but that man deserved that. He never got the chance to actually say to me,but the whole District knew he was waiting for me. I don't have much left,this hope is all I got.

"Ladies First"

It started. Effie sticks her hand to pick a name,like every year. I think she gave up on fiding another victor. Cinna says she's still on District 12 only to keep an eye on me. Somehow that doesn't sound so ridiculous as it should.

She picks a slip for the girl that will come back home with me,in a box.

"Molly Heartstrong"

Everyone looks at the sixteen year old girl. I think I heard Greasy Sae screaming, Molly was the only Heartstrong alive besides her,her son and his wife died in the mines years ago. Good thing I'm drunk or I would be crying for them now. Because there is no way in hell I would be able to bring a girl like her home alive.

Effie is done with the introductions and wastes no time on picking the name of the boy. I take a look at Molly...the poor thing is smiling,she must be thinking she won something.

I finish off my flask(Hamitch's) in one long chug.

"Fletcher -" But Effie doesn't finish the name. Instead everyone listen to a loud shaking voice saying "I volunteer".

Every eye in the District looks up to see none other then Davin Cartwright walking trough the crowd. "I volunteer as tribute". This time in a strong determined voice.

What the hell is going on here? Delly is a happy person,but not an idiot,at least not to the point of raising a kid that WANTS to be in The Hunger Games. I look at the crowd trying to find her,and she's in Peeta's arms crying...crying like my own Mom did 24 years ago,crying like every Mom of every tribute that I've seen. I think that's the only reason I don't punch her in the throat for touching Peeta.

Davin comes up to the stage and says his name for the whole district to hear. when is time to hold hands Davin pushes Molly into a hug and says that she will be ok.

Now that I think about it,I do remember Molly saying that every saturday morning,the day I would go to The Hob,she met her best friend in the whole world. A golden haired,grayed eye kid that came with his uncle or something to give a loaf of bread to Sae...to serve to someone. I should pay more attention to what this kid tells me.

When Effie asks for applause no one moves,and stare at her in silent. Just like every year,seriously can't she take a hint? Then slowly someone in the back,I think a miner that probably went to school with me,raised his hand and kiss his finger,showing our traditional Three finger salute. It means thank you,it shows admiration,it means good-bye to someone you love. Soon after every single person in the Town Square does the same.

Huh,look at that,it seemed that we found our Spark after all.