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It’s a small thing: holding hands.
Neil only does it when he knows he has an excuse to fall back on. When he’s dragging Todd across the forest, their hands intertwine so he can keep the pace. When they’re all sitting together studying, his fingers wrap around Todd’s palms to keep him from freezing.
Sometimes it's the lightest of squeezes, fleeting moments of comfort that earn him a soft smile from his friend. Other times he can only muster the barest of brushes. A subtle reminder that he’s here, and it’ll be okay, and you can do it, and everything he wishes he could say out loud without being seen as—
Well, a queer.
Charlie had gotten mad on his behalf when the rumors about him reached his ears. Neil had convinced him to let it go, to not stoke the fire, trying his best not to be disappointed at the words they’d had called him behind his back. He couldn’t even try to argue that the rumors were unfounded.
He was playing a flamboyant fairy in the theater, for God’s sake. He really can’t be surprised.
But it hurt. Rumors hurt, but hate can sharpen it beyond recognition, until it is nothing but a fiery dagger that sears flesh and burns bridges.
For now, he ignores the pointed stares he gets from across the halls from boys he rarely talks to. They hold hands less frequently, nowhere where any scrutinizing eyes could make any dangerous assumptions.
Neil hates it. Being a coward.
There are moments, late at night, when Neil is unable to sleep. When his heart thumps louder than his thoughts, and he gives in to his pestering desires. He turns over, on those sullen nights, and contents himself with staring at his sleeping friend until his eyes begin to droop. Even in sleep Todd carries an air of worry.
It makes Neil smile.
He could do it if he wanted to. Close the distance between their beds one day and kiss him right then and there on his pretty lips Neil spends a less than normal amount of time thinking of. Todd would let him, he thinks. He remembers moments when he wondered if the feeling was mutual. When he catches Todd looking before he quickly turns away. Neil doesn’t think his friend truly knows about his own inclinations in the art of romance, which is what makes the choice to come clean so damn impossible.
He couldn’t do it; that Neil knows for certain. Todd might be the shy one, but that is a burden he carries on unwillingly, bound by his own psyche. Neil has read his poems— the ones he’s inclined to share with him, anyways— and Todd is expressive. Undoubtedly and unabashedly expressive. He simply didn’t have the right medium.
And to thrust homosexuality onto him? Reciprocated or not, Todd wouldn’t survive more than a week keeping it to himself without reverting back to that hollow shadow of a boy Neil had first met. And Mr. Anderson isn’t the boy he fell in love with. Todd is.
Love.
For something everyone claims to be so simple and natural, it sure gets overcomplicated when it isn’t the right kind.
Perhaps one day, Neil will get to live in a world where he could slip his hand into Todd’s and not have a reason aside from wanting to. Perhaps no one will curiously stare at them until it’s inexorably clear that they’re doing something wrong.
Perhaps Charlie would whistle when they do so, and Todd would probably go red from giddy embarrassment. Perhaps Cameron would tell them to keep the public displays away and Knox would reminisce about his lover (or lack of one— one never knew with his track record) while Neil groans, broken by laughter. Perhaps Meeks and Pitts would… well, they’d be busy working on whatever project they’ve engrossed themselves with to care.
Life would move on like it’s normal. Wouldn’t that be swell?
Maybe one day that world will exist, and maybe Neil will get to live in it, but for now, he settles his hand pressing the side of Todd’s as they hotly discuss the rankings of school meals.
Todd glances over to Neil and hastily looks away when he knows he’s been caught. His pinky moves on top of Neil’s own, and Neil catches a minute tug of his lips upwards.
Under the palm of his hand covering his mouth, Neil smiles wide enough for the both of them.