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You finally got home after a long day. Your ribs ached in pain from the strain you’ve put on them throughout the day, but you pushed it off. For the past week, dysphoria was hitting you like a truck. This was nothing out of the ordinary, but it was becoming overwhelming. You couldn’t go a single day without looking in the mirror and wondering, “What gives it away?”
Your attempts of passing went unnoticed despite all of the effort you put into it. It didn’t matter anymore, your ribs could break apart for all you care. You tossed your bag onto your couch, you didn’t even bother putting up with the weight it brought onto you. You walked to your room, the floorboards creaking beneath your feet with nearly every step.
You finally entered your room, some weight being lifted from your body. You didn’t have to worry about presenting well enough in front of others anymore, the only problem was that you were still stuck with just one person. You. You hesitated taking off your binder, as it felt like the only thing that made you truly masculine. You kept it on. You didn’t care how badly your ribs hurt, this was the only thing grounding you.
You flopped onto your bed, staring at the ceiling with gloomy eyes. The natural darkness that filled the night followed into your room, coating everything in black. The room’s atmosphere already felt depressing. It was cold, a type of cold that couldn’t go away no matter the amount of blankets you laid onto yourself. You watched your ceiling fan go in circles, tracking the slow movement of one of the panels.
You sighed. You hadn’t seen Ben in days. Has he forgotten about you already? You figured he wouldn’t stick around with someone as pathetic as yourself, you hated the idea of constantly bringing down his mood every time he was with you. What did he even find in you? You were just another person out of 8 billion, a nobody, really. How come he hasn’t just killed you yet—
Suddenly, the TV turned on. You stared, awaiting your “terrible fate.” Ben, as clumsily as ever, came flailing out of the TV. You would’ve laughed if it didn’t hurt with your entire body to do so, so instead you just gave a small grin. Instead of standing and walking over like a normal civilized person would do, he crawled towards your bed and climbed over it. He laid in front of you, on his stomach, with his feet kicking in the air.
Ben had a white shirt with some Legend of Zelda imagery on it, along with black sweatpants that were a smidge too big on him. The light from the TV filled the room with an eerie, yet comfortable glow.
“Soooo… how’s my perfect boy?” He looked up at you with curious eyes, anticipating your answer. You didn’t really know how to answer, you didn’t want to bring down his mood when he literally just got here. You shrugged, avoiding eye contact while doing so. He crawled closer to you, scanning you for any other details.
“Uh, how long has this binder been on for? Dude, you know you gotta breathe.” You sighed, you knew you couldn’t get away with it, not with Ben. You knew you weren’t gonna get far in arguing with him, he knew how to make you see his way in the end. You lightly pushed him off of you, but with Ben being Ben, he reacted more dramatically and fell backwards.
“Oh my god, how COULD you! You’re gonna have to make it to me, you know.” You rolled your eyes, sliding off of the bed to change.
“Don’t look, my ribs won’t be the only thing broken if you do.” You said light heartedly, although if he did look you wouldn’t hesitate to do just that. Ben nodded hastily, turning his body around to face the wall.
The feeling of your binder being taken off was like being able to finally breathe again. You took one deep breath in, gulping in all of the air your lungs could take in, before exhaling it all out. Your ribs were still strained, and it hurt in the process, but it was still better than before. You changed into a tight fitting shirt with some pajama pants. It was some of the only clothes you had left, so your options were limited.
You returned to your bed, with Ben being quick to pull himself next to you. You put the sheets up closer to your chest, it hurt to be “exposed” like this. It felt like every person in the world was looking at your body, even if it really was just Ben. Ben took note of you being uncomfortable, seeming to already have an idea of what to do.
He nudged your shoulder, staring off into a different direction to avoid eye contact. “I have a spare jacket back at my place if you need it.. Sorry– I bet that sounds so corny.” He let out a nervous chuckle before lifting his legs to his chest, resting his head onto his knees. “But, I know how you get, so I’m just saying…”
Jackets always provided you with a sense of security. It was like a barrier from others’ sight to the rest of your body. You agreed hastily. You really, really couldn’t stand another night with this body right now.
“Ok, ok. Just stay there for a second!” Ben went back into the TV, before quickly returning with one of his jackets. As if he didn’t already have enough merch of The Legend of Zelda, the jacket was themed around it. The jacket’s base color was a dark green, while the triforce symbol of the game laid in the center of the jacket.
He gave you the jacket, which you quickly took on. Your chest was still lightly visible, but much less now. You laid back down, finally feeling comfortable enough with yourself.
“Sorry I couldn’t be here at all, Slenderbitch decided that I was ‘out too often.’ I never know what that guy’s deal is, I mean seriously!—“
You nodded along to what he was saying. God, was he insufferable, but the heavy burden that pulled you to the Earth’s core just always suddenly disappeared the moment he opened his stupid mouth. The fact that he was cute made up for it too. The guy was literally identical to an elf, hell, he had the height of one! His ears were one of the cutest parts about him, they were like—
“So what’s been up with you?” You snapped out of your trance and turned to face his direction. Ben was sitting up, as if he really were to be paying attention to you.
“Oh, uh, nothing much.” You didn’t want to bother Ben, he probably had enough on his plate already.
“Dude you don’t have to lie to me, I know you.” Of course, however, he could read you like an open book. He knew you.
You let out a dramatic sigh, sitting up and dropping your head onto his shoulder. You really couldn’t get away with anything with this guy.
“God, what hasn’t been up with me? The entire week it’s just been feeling like everyone along with my own body is just ganging up on me.”
Ben tried his best to follow along. He wasn’t always the best when it came to others’ feelings, hell, not even his own. He still always tried his best to be empathetic.
“I’m hardly passing, no one really knows who I truly am, and it just feels like the whole world wants me dead for me just being… me. It isn’t even my fault I’m this way, my idiot of a brain just suddenly decided there was something wrong with my stupid body!”
It felt like the words from your mouth just started flowing out like a kitchen sink, making an ocean of words. Before you knew it, your eyes started welling up with tears. It was the first time you let your feelings have an outlet, and it felt like releasing a beast from your body. You could feel your throat tightening, and soon enough it became too difficult to talk. Everything was so damn unfair, nobody was fair to you, not even yourself.
Ben held you close, acting as a shield to stop all of the pain and suffering from barraging you. He knew how much everything was hurting right now, he knew it was difficult, but he still wanted to be there with you.
“I know how you feel. You know I’m not good with words, but I know you well enough to tell you what I do know. A man battling his way through life inside of the body of a woman, a man who’s giving it everything in him to just be seen as a man, a man who fights himself internally in hopes of just being seen as a man. That’s the manliest thing someone could ever do. I really don’t know if anyone has told you this, but I’m like…WOWED by your efforts. I’ve never seen someone try to prove their masculinity so hard, and I really can’t help but be proud of it. You know more about being a man than I do.”
You wrapped your shaky arms around Ben, crying softly into his shoulder.
“Uhh.. this is a good thing, right?”
“Of course it is.” You said between sniffles.
Later on, you both decided to watch a movie. While there were multiple contestants, you both agreed on watching Spiderman. Not just only one of the movies, all of the movies in the series. You had nowhere to be, and neither did he.
“Hey, you still have to make up for when you pushed me.”
“I didn’t even push you, you were just teasing!”
“I meant what I said!”
Ben laughed annoyingly, before jokingly puckering his lips. You rolled your eyes and went in for it anyways, him not initially expecting it to be returned. The movie played over you both, except none of you could hear the movie playing, nor did you even realize it was playing. All that mattered were you and him in the moment.
One hand cupped your face, the other holding your waist. Before breaking the kiss, he licked your lips, still wanting one last taste before parting.
“You taste like salt…”
“I mean, yeah, I just cried my eyes out captain obvious.”
“Don’t give me that look! I like salt, anyway.”
He continued to kiss around your face, not just to taste the salty taste, but really because he loved you wholeheartedly.
The night would eventually come to a rest, with both of you cuddled into each other. Ben normally didn’t care about sleeping, but this time just felt right to him. Before he drifted off, he watched you for a moment, playing with your hair. This was a normal thing to do while he was over, but this time he looked at you slightly differently.
Of course beforehand he saw you as the man you are, but this time brought upon a new admiration. He truly saw your efforts of building yourself up into what it really means to be a man. You’ve put so much effort and work into your identity, that it’s become the very boulder that you carry on your back. That boulder can be so tiring as it is important to carry, but it makes you stronger as the days go by. You’re trying so hard to be a man, when really, building your own masculinity was already enough to become the manliest person in the world.
Ben kissed your forehead before finally drifting off beside you.