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When Kim Seokjin’s (barely competent) right hand man stumbled into his lair, he was engaged in a very important meeting (mopping the floor with his arch nemesis, Bamsdad67, in yet another online multiplayer game that involved more shooting than plot). But Beomgyu had looked genuinely terrified, which is NOT a common Beomgyu expression, so he was immediately on alert.
“Sir, your ex-husband–” He choked out, “Namjoon-ssi has been kidnapped!”
Kim Seokjin and Kim Namjoon had been classmates, because Seokjin had had to miss out on two years of his schooling following a rather unfortunate incident with a power hungry relative that had ended with him being hungry for nothing, by virtue of him being dead and in multiple pieces.
A grenade had, however, managed to knock Seokjin into what his doctors called a ‘critical condition’, giving other forces in the family enough time to slowly build themselves up again. Seokjin had gone on to attend his last year of highschool, desperate to lay low and find some way to bait the others into giving themselves up. He’d met Namjoon there, equally desperate to avoid an arranged marriage that had been designed to take him away from the succession race in his own family – his fiance’s people had wanted a live-in son-in-law. Namjoon disagreed, because he wanted the whole damn company. He was in dire need of a fake husband – just long enough so that he could work behind the scenes and take over his legacy.
It didn’t take Seokjin long to realise that a wedding would be the best time to weed out his opposition too.
Namjoon was all for it (Seokjin didn’t tell him what exactly his family business was – so that probably helped) so they planned to do something so damning that there was no choice but to let them get married. Unfortunately neither of them could get pregnant, so they decided to do the next best thing.
A significant portion of the student body had walked in one day to see Seokjin on his knees in front of a tastefully half naked Kim Namjoon. They got engaged the very next week. Namjoon got more than a few high-fives.
They’d planned a small wedding (that Seokjin had made sure all of his family had known about, and Namjoon had made sure no one in his family had). As Seokjin had hoped, the occasion had shown him everyone who opposed his succession. Namjoon had almost gotten assassinated, but divorcing him later because of that (and the tiny detail about Seokjin forgetting to mention that his family isn't exactly law-abiding) was a little too much, in his opinion. Especially since it had come very late.
They’d kept the ruse going even after they didn’t need the marriage anymore… until Namjoon apparently met his second husband, and had a real marriage.
Seokjin wasn’t jealous or anything. Namjoon wasn’t really his type. He WAS a little annoyed at not being Namjoon’s though.
But then again, Namjoon had fallen for and married a struggling veterinarian so maybe not being his type was a compliment too. Maybe he was too successful for a man whose type was apparently men who couldn’t make ends meet.
“Why would they kidnap my ex husband?” Seokjin wondered out loud. “Can’t they assume that he’s an ‘ex’ for a reason?”
“You literally slept over at his place last night.”
Seokjin pursed his lips, still confused. So what if he and Namjoon had a long-standing movie night tradition they both refused to let go of? It was difficult to find someone else in their part of the neighbourhood who shared a passion for malayalam movies (bollywood was overrated anyway) and it also gave them a wonderful excuse to catch up and chat about things (which is why the introduction of a second husband had been a bit of a shock to Seokjin – despite them talking every week Namjoon hadn’t mentioned him until the week before they got married. Seokjin hadn’t even been invited!!! The nerve!!! Though he understood Namjoon’s fear of his groom falling in love with thee Kim Seokjin at first sight and leaving him.)
“Did you track him down?” Seokjin asked, reaching out to get his favourite firearms from his assistant. Beomgyu nodded, used to tasks being relegated to him thanks to his big, fat paycheck. “It’s the Parks. They’ve been testy for a while after your engagement with the heir fell through, but I think you setting their north warehouse on fire might have really pushed them further–”
“What part of ‘don’t do drugs’ don’t they understand?” Seokjin rolled his eyes, getting up and straightening his coat. “It wasn’t even good shit. Why would they risk smuggling it through my area knowing I forbade it if they weren’t even dealing in the best? I did them a favour, honestly.”
“It cost them a lot of cash.”
“Education is expensive in this economy.”
Beomgyu kept his mouth shut this time, also courtesy of his big fat paycheck that Seokjin personally signed off on. His boss liked having the last word.
“What are their demands?”
“They want you to go there alone. They’re asking for a formal apology and that you finally close the deal you’ve been dancing around for the past eight months.” Beomgyu pulled out his handy dandy notepad. “The one that specifically allows them to pass through our territory without extensive security checks.”
“And if I refuse?”
“Your ex husband pays for it, I suppose.”
Seokjin paused to consider all options. Then he thought of Kim Namjoon in highschool, who looked down at him with a scandalised, red face in high school when he pulled his pants down without warning. Kim Namjoon as his husband, promising that he won’t compromise Seokjin’s virtue and would agree to a divorce if and when he found his ‘true love’. Kim Namjoon five months ago, eyes darting everywhere, nervously telling him that he’s getting remarried to another man and needed a divorce asap. Kim Namjoon last night, who’d laughed at his lame jokes and told him Seokjin is the closest he has ever had to a best friend.
“I’m going.” Seokjin declared. Curse his delicate heart. “I’m going to save my ex-husband.”
It’d been a while since the last time Kim Seokjin himself had personally stepped into the field. Nevertheless, even he knew that running head first into an uncertain situation was stupid – hence he was now crouched in some bushes, keeping watch over the office selected as the point of contact. There were two armed guards patrolling the building, one more alert than the other, but the area was small enough that he couldn’t truly get rid of either one without the second being alerted of his presence.
If only there could be a distraction–
A man stumbled into the clearing, wearing a bright white uniform and clearly out of his element. “Where is he?” The man croaked. “Where did you take hyung?”
The pistols were aimed at him in a heartbeat. The man was obviously frightened – his legs were shaking like they were on wheels – but he stood tall and choked out another, “Where is he? Where is Namjoonie-hyung?”
And Kim Seokjin realised that this was his first introduction to the second husband, Jeon Jungkook.
Someone his best friend loves. Enough to marry in a few months. Enough to keep away from Seokjin, like a treasure to be savoured in private.
Someone who, Seokjin realised, he now felt obligated to protect.
He aimed a gun at one of the guards – obviously the one who seemed more trained, more sure of himself – and he went down without a sound. The second one, probably a newer trainee, was struck dumbfounded for just a second. Enough time for Seokjin to reload and aim again.
Aiming at idiots in real life was way easier than in videogames.
“Who was that?” Jungkook asked, looking around with panic in his eyes. “Why did you save me? Who are you?”
Seokjin held up a hand and beckoned Jungkook into the bush. Jungkook, god bless his naivety, followed immediately. He squeezed in next to him, turned to look at his mysterious saviour face to face, and immediately went slack jawed.
Which, understandable reaction to Seokjin’s face, but still!!! Time and place!!!
“Hello second husband of Kim Namjoon. I’m Kim Seokjin, ex-husband and best friend of Kim Namjoon.” He said, trying to share as much information as possible. “I received a ransom call a few hours ago – my co-operation for Joon-ah’s life. I’m sneaking around waiting for the perfect time to go in and save him, but my men are on standby nearby in case I miscalculate.” He pointed at the silent man next to him. “Now, you.”
Jeon Jungkook still looked a little shaken, but to his credit, he almost immediately matched the vibe. “Hi– Jeon Jungkook. I saw a suspicious car at Namjoonie hyung’s apartment while I went to pick up Bam – that’s my dog, hyung was babysitting him when I was at a work thing – and tracked it as far as I could. Got lost a few times but managed to find the place… I think?” His nose twitched. “At least, I think I did, considering this time they pulled guns at me. Are they okay, though?”
Seokjin put a hand on his heart. The second husband was as sweet as he looked, and it was doing weird things to his tummy. And apparently he had a dog. With a weirdly familiar name. But no, Seokjin had to focus now.
“They’ll wake up tomorrow. I don’t want to cause an all-out war.”
Jungkook narrowed his eyes. “...what exactly do you do?”
“More importantly–” Seokjin tugged at husband two’s white jacket. “Take that off. Rule number one of any mission is to NOT wear eye-catchingly bright colours that do NOT blend into the background.”
“I am in uniform!” Jungkook protested, but still obediently let himself get undressed. There was nothing but skin underneath.
“This was NOT a jacket?” Seokjin asked, eyes still tracing abs that a veterinarian had NO RIGHT to have. Damn you, Kim Namjoon. Did he have x-ray vision or something? “Are you actually a themed stripper? Is that how you and Joonie met?”
“We met at my clinic. Or more like, we reconnected there.” Jungkook’s face was red, clearly flustered by Seokjin’s pestering. “We were childhood friends of sorts. Hyung took care of me when I was a kid.”
“He always had a good eye for investments I guess–”
“What?”
Seokjin finally tore his eyes off of the (ripped!!! defined!!!!) body and forced himself to meet husband two’s eyes. “You’re hot and you clearly care a lot for him. He did good for himself.”
“He’s literally kidnapped right now.” Jungkook was even redder. “Shouldn’t we go save him, Seokjin-ssi?”
“Ugh, you’re responsible too.” Seokjin lamented. He reached into his pocket and pulled out one of the thingies Boemgyu had promised him would be super duper helpful for his quest. He aimed it at the building and squinted into the screen, making out heat signatures of three people inside. Which… was a strangely limited number of personnel for a kidnapping case.
“Hey, husband number two–”
“Please just call me Jungkook.”
“Kookie–”
Jungkook was growing exponentially redder by the minute. Boemgyu had always warned him that one day he’d ragebait someone into murder.
“Kookie, I have good news and bad news.” Seokjin decided to pretend he wasn’t trying to get the hot man mad at him. That was not very good best friend behaviour, after all. “Which one do you want first?”
“Um – the good news?”
“Theres only three people here, and I can easily take them all down by myself. It would be even easier with you in the mixture–” He pointed at the bare chest. “At least, that’s what I’m guessing.”
“Fuck, why are you flirting with me now?” Jungkook whined. He sounded more annoyed than angry, so Seokjin decided it was safe to proceed.
“The bad news is, I don’t think Joonie is here.” He continued, watching the younger man’s face fall almost immediately. “Assigning only three people to handle me is ultra stupid, and while the Parks are stupid, they’re not that stupid.” He leaned forward. “So here’s the plan. You go in and distract them with your sexy presence, and I’ll sneak up and catch them all alive to torture the information out.”
“You think I’m sexy?” Jungkook was grinning now. Adrenaline makes people go crazy, Seokjin mused.
“Namjoonie married you, didn’t he?” Seokjin shrugged, noticing that Jungkook’s grin had immediately dropped again. “Now shoo, let’s go save our man!”
Jungkook turned to look at him, almost frantic. “He’s not–”
Jesus. Younger men and jealousy. “Yes yes, I know he’s technically not my man anymore. It was just a quip.” Seokjin pushed him out of the bush. “Now go, hyung has to get ready to fish.”
Jungkook didn’t even wait to ask him what he meant by that, which was a bummer, cause Seokjin wanted to show off the human-net he always carried in his person. Perks of the occupation, but nothing was fun unless and until he got to show it off in front of a few people.
He sneaked into the optimal hunting position, right next to an open window where he could see the three people inside… playing uno? Even if this was a trap, this was sad, and Seokjin was a little offended. Nevertheless, the show had to go on, and so he nodded at Jungkook, who proceeded to… knock on the front door.
“Um–” He called out. “Did anyone order a stripper?”
Which was stupid, extremely stupid, because why would three men in an abandoned office building ever order a–
“Coming!” one of them yelled out, slowly getting up from where they were all crouched over the cards. He opened the door, took one look at Jungkook, and turned to the others.
“Guys–” He said, eyes teary. “I thought you’d forgotten my birthday!”
The other two looked at each other in shock. “Um–” one of them started, “we… we didn’t even know that you liked men, dude.”
And because Kim Seokjin was a good person who didn’t want to make an awkward situation worse, he chose that moment to jump in and shoot his human-net, easily capturing all three flabbergasted men and rendering them unable to move. “Gotcha.” He said, then offering a sly smile, “Happy birthday.”
Jungkook walked over to where he was standing. “Where is Namjoon-hyung?” He barked out, posturing. “What did you do to him?”
The men blinked at them in silence, until one of them had a eureka moment. “Oh! You mean the rich ceo dude we kidnapped? Kim Seokjin’s ex husband whom he still carries a torch for?”
Jungkook turned to look at him with shock in his eyes the same time Seokjin raised his hands in protest. “He’s my best friend!!! Men are allowed to like each other and not wanna fuck each other!!! Also he’s married!!!”
Jungkook looked visibly relieved. Good. Men should always be a little worried that their husbands may be stolen away by Kim Seokjin’s amazing personality and stellar looks.
“Okay so what did you do to him? Where is he?” Jungkook pressed.
“Young master Park came to collect him.” The men explained. “He uh… he said he’d leave Kim Seokjin a message?”
Seokjin reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He pressed a few buttons, the beep beep beep the only sounds while everyone waited with bated breath.
Jimin's message played.
“Hey, Seokjinnie hyung! I got to know that a few of my men took it upon themselves to kidnap your ex-husband and threaten you into apologising to me for breaking our engagement. Please forgive them, they’re overprotective but they’re sweethearts. Anyway, I’m taking him to my place so he can stay unconscious and knocked out in a room with air conditioning rather than a stinky little shed. Bring me some strawberries when you come to pick him up, please!”
Seokjin turned to the captured crooks. “...what about the trade agreement?”
“Our precious young master said that we are to no longer dirty our hands with drugs. So we don’t really need that route now anyway.” One answered. “We just really want you to apologise for having the audacity to break an engagement with the best young master in the world–”
“Jiminie and I are friends! I did not end the engagement talks because I dislike him!”
“Then why?” The men got agitated, pulling at the net surrounding them. “Why would any human not want to wake up next to that angel every day–”
“Because we both prefer to bottom!” Seokjin declared, hands on his hips. “Because despite him being a sweetheart, he is not my type! I want a big muscular man who can throw me around and treat me like a ragdoll while I beg for more!!! Does that sound like our Jiminie?” He glanced at the captured men who were now looking at their own feet in shame. “That’s what I thought. Now wait here for my men to come take care of you.”
He turned promptly to where Jungkook was, but the young man now had his head in his hands, his breathing a little too heavy. “Kookie? Are you okay?” He reached out to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, noting the sudden shiver that ran through him. “Aw, you must be so relieved to hear about Joonie. Don’t worry, I always keep fresh strawberries in my car so we can go straight to Jiminie’s place.”
Jungkook refused to look at him until he pulled into Jimin’s building. He only turned to look at him when one of the guards there offered him a shirt, and Seokjin unknowingly tutted in disappointment.
The most convenient part of Jimin’s condo was how his private lift opened right into his living room. Unfortunately, that was also the reason why Seokjin and Jungkook were able to take him by surprise when they arrived – and why he didn’t have enough time to get rid of the mouthful of Namjoon he was enjoying.
“Kim Namjoon!” Seokjin screamed, pointing an accusatory finger at the ex-kidnapee who was hurriedly pulling up his pants. “What the FUCK are you doing? I’m breaking up with you, you cheating piece of shit!”
“We’re divorced–” Namjoon offered weakly.
“I’m friend breaking up with you–”
“Seokjin-hyung…”Jungkook interrupted, a small smile on his face. “It’s okay. It's not what you think–” He then turned to the disheveled (CHEATING!!!) older man. “Namjoonie-hyung, I’m so glad you’re okay. I was worried.”
Namjoon gave a dry chuckle. “Same. I won’t lie, I was a bit worried for my life at some points–” He then turned to a sheepish Jimin sitting next to him. “But I’m kinda glad it happened, because I don’t think I would have had the pleasure of meeting Jimin otherwise.”
Jimin’s eyes widened. “Namjoon… You think I’m worth being kidnapped for?”
“I know you’re worth getting kidnapped for.” Namjoon smiled, his hand reaching out to tug a lock of naturally blonde hair behind his new paramour’s ear.
Seokjin turned to look at Jungkook, waiting for an explanation.The man looked a little sheepish. “Our marriage is fake. Namjoonie-hyung married me so my parents would stop trying to sell me off to business partners.” He shrugged. “Hyung also said he wanted to get out of his marriage cause he was fake married to a criminal, so–”
Seokjin turned to look at his ex husband. “What the fuck, Kim Namjoon.”
“I swear the third one would be real!” Namjoon protested almost immediately. He turned to Jimin. “I swear, baby.”
“He’s a criminal too???”
Jungkook tugged at his shirt. “So um. I’m single. And also gay.” He grinned. “In case hyung wants someone to throw him around and make him cry.”
The next day Beomgyu arrived nice and early to work, ready to tackle a new day and a grumpy boss who was probably tired after rescuing his ex husband the previous night. He opened the door to his boss’s office, paused as the two naked people inside screamed in shock, and promptly left to attempt yet another resignation that probably wouldn’t go through.
Instead, he got another big fat bonus as compensation.