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Dean took a deep breath as he walked across the stage, holding his guitar and a mountain of regret. His shoulders felt heavy, but he forced a half smile anyway, nodding at the audience sitting throughout the bar as he took a seat on the stool.
Tonight would be hard.
It had been almost a year and a half since… Well.
He shook his head, ignored his nerves, and began to play.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
Since meeting when they were fifteen, Dean and Castiel had been inseparable. Jody would shake her head fondly when she saw them in town, bickering about something or another.
As they grew, Dean began pursuing relationships with others, while Cas remained “blissfully single,” in his words. None of those relationships ever lasted very long, however. Dean cared about the girls, he did, but nothing ever seemed to stick. They just couldn’t click the way two people should.
Until Lisa.
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
Lisa was everything. Dean had never felt about anyone the way he felt about her; he was absolutely crazy for the girl. Although something still felt the tiniest bit off, he figured it would go away in time. Cas supported him no matter what, congratulated him when he finally asked Lisa to catch a movie. But there were times when Cas didn’t think Dean was looking that his expression would fall.
He and Lisa lasted eight months. Then one day, she pulled him to the side with the saddest smile he’d ever seen a girl wear.
“Dean, you know I love you,” she said. He nodded. “And I’m pretty sure you love me too.” Another nod. “But I also know I’m not the only one.”
Dean furrowed his eyebrows. “What… what do you mean?”
She placed a hand on his arm. “You and Castiel look at each other the way I know I look at you. Which is why I have to end this now, before either of us get hurt.”
“Cas? No, no, you’ve got it all wrong,” he promised her. “Cas is my… Cas is my best friend.” But even as he said it, he couldn’t help thinking back to moments where he found himself staring at his best friend for way too long. Wondering how it would feel to do the things with him that he’d always done with his girlfriends.
“I know, Dean. But can you tell me something?” Lisa asked softly.
“Anything.”
“Tell me what you’d do if Cas ever got a girl. ‘Cause I’ll tell you what, there are certainly girls looking at him. Or how about a boyfriend?”
Dean felt his heart clench and his stomach twisted something ugly. “I… oh my God.”
Lisa nodded, still wearing that sad smile. “I know.” Then she leaned up and kissed his cheek. “Dean, this has been amazing. But I’d never forgive myself if I held you back from being really happy. So go talk to him.” She nodded towards the door.
Dean made to leave, but faltered. “Are you sure?”
Her face actually looked happier now, even as she wiped her eyes. “Yes. Thank you for everything, Dean.” He walked back over to her and hugged her as tight as he could one last time before jogging out the door, getting in the car, and taking off towards Castiel’s.
And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
After Dean had rambled for what was probably way too long, Castiel finally walked purposefully over to him, grabbed him by the collar, and shut him up by pressing his lips to Dean’s. When the kiss broke, Dean’s mouth hung open in shock, and all he could do was bring his fingers to his mouth dumbly.
Castiel was bright red and staring at the floor when he muttered, “I’ve wanted to do that for a very long time now.”
Following that first kiss and making their relationship official, not much changed — aside from the fact that they behaved slightly more like a couple than they had before. In hindsight, it made sense that people who didn’t know them assumed they were together. They’d acted the part, anyway.
But the honeymoon phase faded, and they gradually began to argue. Just small things at first, but their biggest one came almost a year later.
“For God’s sake, Dean, don’t you get it?” Cas yelled, face angry in a way Dean didn’t often see.
“What? What is it?” Dean shouted back. “I’m not a fuckin’ mind reader, Cas! That’s the problem! You get mad at me when I don’t understand what it is you’re trying to tell me, but I get mad because you don’t use your goddamn words!”
“I don’t use my words? Dean, you are so emotionally constipated an IBS patient would have an easier time using the bathroom. And I can’t blame you for it entirely — Lord knows you didn’t have the easiest childhood — but every time I get too close you just pull away again, and I wish there was something I could do to fix it because I love you.”
Dean froze. Said nothing.
Castiel’s face paled as he tried to backtrack. “I mean, I—” he took a deep breath and steeled himself. “I love you. God, Dean, I’ve always loved you. Don’t you see that?”
Dean remained silent.
Cas’ eyes filled with tears, but his gaze hardened. “Oh. I see.” The other boy gathered his things, then fixed his expression on Dean again. Dean couldn’t meet his eyes. “My mistake, then. After everything we’ve been through, I thought you must feel the same way. But it appears I was wrong.” Castiel opened the door, then looked back one last time. “Goodbye, Dean,” he uttered with a tone of finality, although his voice cracked on the last syllable.
Only after the door was closed and Dean could no longer hear Cas’ car did he allow himself to fall to his knees, body shaking with sobs.
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
Six months later, after much pestering from Sam about how much Cas apparently missed him, Dean finally got up the nerve to go see him. They were at separate colleges, and Dean couldn’t sleep one night. All he could think about was CasCasCas, and finally he got up, said, “Fuck it,” packed a bag enough for one night, and drove off campus to Castiel’s dorm. He’d been there before, so thankfully he knew that he was in a single-floor residence with no one else, by the grace of God.
So when Dean showed up at one-thirty in the morning, soaking wet from the rain and pounding on the door, it was only his bleary-eyed ex boyfriend who answered.
“Dean, what—” Castiel began, but Dean couldn’t let him finish.
“I fucked up,” he said, breathless. “I fucked up and I’m trying to fix it because letting you go was the worst mistake of my life, and I have no idea how I was stupid enough to let it happen. I’m sorry. God, Cas, I’m so fucking sorry. I should never have let you walk away that night, and I have regretted it every day since, because are you kidding?” He paused to take a breath. “Castiel, I love you, always have. I love you more than anything. I couldn’t say it before, and I hurt you, I know. I let you think I didn’t feel the same way, when I did, fuck, I do, and I still want you, if you’ll have me—”
For what was the second significant time in their relationship (but definitely not the second time altogether), Castiel shut Dean up by kissing him. “God, you’re such an idiot,” he murmured against Dean’s lips. When he actually pulled away, he laughed. “I mean, seriously, did you actually risk hypothermia just to come tell me that you want to get back together at ass-o’-clock in the morning? Jesus, get in here.”
Once the door had closed, Cas shoved him up against the wall, and crashed their lips together again. After that, it was a frenzy of trying to get each other’s clothes off, the two of them desperate to relearn each other’s bodies and make up for lost time.
Dean wasn’t sure how long it was afterwards when the two of them were lying in Castiel’s bed, basking in the afterglow. They faced each other, bodies curled opposite like parentheses, Cas running his fingers through Dean’s hair. Both of them were beginning to drift off, and the last words either of them heard before falling asleep were I love you.
That had been six years ago. And then, a year and a half ago, it had all fallen apart again. Sammy’s girlfriend had died in a fire, and their dad had passed shortly after. Dean wound up dropping out of college and getting a job back home at their uncle Bobby’s salvage yard to help pay Sammy’s way through law school, which had led to many a fight between Dean and Cas.
It had all boiled over when Cas came to him and said that if they both worked hard enough, Dean could re-enroll in college; matter of fact, Cas had already saved up some cash.
What happened next was not Dean’s proudest moment, by a long shot. His temper had exploded, and he’d yelled at Cas about how he wasn’t a charity case and didn’t need his boyfriend spoiling him. Cas, of course, had gotten offended, saying he’d just been trying to help and that Dean deserved the same opportunities as anyone else. The fight had escalated further from there; they’d both said things that went below the belt, and it was clear to anyone that things had gone way too far. But it seemed that their relationship was irreparable, now. Cas hadn’t slept in their room that night, and the next morning, he had packed his things and left. Dean found out from Gabriel that Castiel had moved in with him until he could get his own place. Needless to say, Gabe did not think highly of Dean at the moment.
It’s for the best, Dean figured. He’s better off without me anyway. He deserves someone so much better.
This time, Dean didn’t go after the man he loved.
So now, here he was, singing his heart out at Jo and Ellen’s Roadhouse for what was the thousandth time, with the usual crowd cheering him on and toasting their glasses in his honor, one he didn’t deserve.
“And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows.
So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows.”
The restaurant’s patrons applauded as Dean took his bows and walked offstage. When he made it back to the bar, Ellen offered him an empathetic look, a squeeze of the shoulder, and a glass of whiskey.
He was almost too far in his head to hear the voice speaking behind him. But then, that voice could call him back from the dead, if so inclined.
“Hello, Dean.”
Dean turned around, almost certain he was deluding himself. But no: there he was, the man he loved, his best friend, once. In all his glory. “…Cas?”
“That was a beautiful performance you gave,” Castiel said with a small smile. His eyes were tired, however, and his expression became serious. “Can we talk?”
“Uh, sure,” Dean murmured. Honestly, he wasn’t entirely sure this was real life. Last he checked, Castiel Novak hated his guts and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. Not that Dean blamed him.
Cas gave a long-suffering chuckle. “I meant somewhere more private. Like outside?”
“Oh,” Dean said, nonplussed. “Uh, sure,” he repeated, mentally smacking himself for apparently not being able to say ANYTHING ELSE.
Once they got outside, Dean waited for Cas to speak. He didn’t for a good two minutes before remembering that, “Oh, right. I was the one who started this discussion.”
Dean laughed, which made Castiel smile. God, I missed that smile.
“I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking about how my actions would make you feel. You’re not a charity case, you never were. Of course not. It just killed me to see you give everything up for the sake of others. You’ve done it your whole life, for the sake of your brother. And you know I love Sam. I just wish things were different.”
“I know what you mean,” Dean sighed. “After Mom, all Dad cared about was Sam and making sure he was alright. After a while, I saw things the same way.” Dean smiled, as he’d learned to when people asked how he was doing. “But you know that already.”
“I do,” Cas nodded. “I know that you give everything for others and leave nothing for yourself. I know that when you are asked you will say you’re fine when you’re so obviously not. You will run yourself ragged until you inevitably crash and burn, take just enough time for yourself that you can function, and then repeat.” When Dean looked away, Castiel gently turned his face back to look at him. “And you love people so wholly, so unconditionally, that people can’t help but love you in return. I would know.” They both smiled. “I fell in love with you before I knew what that meant and then I made the mistake of leaving when you needed me most. Not once, but twice. I know you think I’m better off without you, but Dean, that’s just not true. Every day since we fought I have spent thinking of you. I’ll hear a song that reminds me of you, or smell your favorite food, and my heart will break all over again. I should never have left.”
Dean wasn’t sure why Castiel was reaching for his face, until the other man gently rubbed his thumbs over his cheeks, wiping away tears he didn’t know had fallen. “I deserved it anyway,” he muttered brokenly.
“No. No you didn’t. And if you’ll let me, I want to show you exactly why. I want to try this again. I want to try us again, if you’ll let me. I know it won’t be easy. But I think we can do this right if we try. If you’ll let me, I’ll spend each day showing you exactly why you deserve the same amount of love and care you extend to everyone else around you.”
Dean looked away again. “I can’t be what you deserve. C’mon, Cas, look at me, I’m—”
Cas stopped him with a finger to his mouth. Dean missed when he would do it with his lips. “First of all, I think I get to decide what I deserve. Second, I am looking at you. And I see someone I’ve loved more than anyone else before. I will never love anyone else like I love you, Dean, if I could love again at all.” Cas paused, and frowned. “But if you don’t want this, I’ll walk away and you’ll never have to see me again.”
Dean’s heart warmed, and he felt as though he was radiating every shade of light on the spectrum. He stepped closer to Castiel, muttering, “Shut up, shut all the way up,” as he smashed his lips to Castiel’s. “God, I love you too. I want to try again. Are you being for real? Like, seriously?”
Castiel smiled, that beautiful, radiant expression that made Dean think he would die a happy man if that was the last thing he saw. “As a heart attack,” he replied, kissing Dean again.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
Three years later, in front of an altar, rings are exchanged.
Green eyes meet blue.
Lips collide for what is not the first time, and for what certainly will not be the last.
And so it goes.