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The hotline wasn’t picking up.
Zanka sat in the tub, he put the knife to his skin again, the blood thinning as it dripped down his hand, hitting the water.
He was visiting Enjin, and he’s leaving his tub all bloody. But it’ll go down with the water.
He looked down at his hand, it hurt, but he didn’t care. He just kept cutting, again and again. He wasn’t fully sure why he was doing it, but he felt he deserved it.
He stared at his wrists, nothing was stopping him from ending it here, college is a mess, his family’s a mess, and it’s probably his fault. He lowered the knife to his wrist, but for some reason he couldn’t do it.
Tears welled in his eyes.
He wanted to, but he couldn’t.
Enjin will get over it.
Riyo is strong.
Rudo’s fine.
He felt helpless, like a force was pushing at his hand, leaving it just above his wrist. Taunting him into doing it.
It hit his skin, pushing into his artery. All of a sudden he didn’t want to die, he forgot to write the note, he forgot to leave them with a gift, he forgot to shower them with compliments, he forgot to leave the hints, hoping they’d notice. He let out a large sob as he pushed his finger into the cut. It stung, but he had to leave them the real way, he was being selfish, he thought.
He heard footsteps in the hall, “Zanka! You good in there?” Enjin called.
He tried to say yes, but he could only let out a sob. Enjin must’ve heard it because the door cracked open slightly.
“K, Zanka, my eyes are covered, what’s going on in here?” Enjin held his hand over his face and stood behind the door.
Zanka’s wrist stung, “I’m sorry Enjin,” he cried.
Enjin frowned, “Is it fine if I uncover my eyes?”
“Yeah, come in,” Zanka’s tears were thick as they ran down his face. Enjin quickly put a towel over Zanka’s crotch and sat down next to him.
He searched for gauze in the cabinet, “Keep holding your finger there. You’re so- ugh Zanka, don’t do that.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ta put all this stress on ya. I didn't really think I was just kinda…” Zanka sighed.
“You sound crazy right now Zanka, don’t worry about me, you’re gushing blood. We’d all probably throw ourselves off something if I hadn’t been walking down the hallway at the right time,” Enjin wrapped gauze around Zanka’s wrist, pulling it tight so as to cut off some circulation and cause a blood clot.
Zanka pouted, “My hand’ll fall off.”
“Just keep your finger on your wrist, we might be here for a minute,” Enjin sat on the toilet-seat, “You’re more important than you think you know.” Enjin carefully added more layers to the gauze when it bled through.
“Yeah thanks,” Zanka smiled a bit.
“I wish Eisha were here. Maybe I’ll call her,” Enjin pulled up her phone number and chatted for a second. She seemed like she was on the verge of tears for telling Enjin she was busy.
“Why are you still sitting here?”
Enjin put his face in his hands.
“Because you scared the shit out of me,” it was out of character for him to be emotional, he always held it together, but he seemed seriously worried, “I don’t know what to do for you Zanka. I try my best.”
Maybe that should make Zanka feel bad, but it felt good knowing someone cared enough to sit in here for an hour and add a layer to his bandage.
“I should call 911, probably. But God, hospitals and ambulances are expensive,” Enjin sighed.
“Don’t. I’m fine.”
Enjin looked at Zanka, “I hate to admit it, but you’re right.” Enjin moved to the ground by the tub, “Zanka, what do you need from me?”
“Well once I can let go of my wrist, probably a hug,” he let out. They sat there for a while, Enjin replaced his gauze every once in a while. They were there for maybe an hour. Zanka had been close to Enjin all this time but it seemed like he had never had a moment like this with him. He was like the older brother he’d yearned for.
“Where’s Rudo?” Zanka asked.
Enjin shrugged, “Doing something with Amo I think. Not sure really.”
“Oh.”
“I can call him if you wanna chat,” Enjin handed over his phone.
Zanka motioned it away, “No I was just curious…”
Zanka’s blood wasn’t soaking through the gauze anymore. There wasn’t this sharp pain anymore, everything was calmer.
“I think you’re good. You wanna get dressed now?” Enjin stood and grabbed Zanka’s knife.
Zanka let go of his wrist, “Yeah, ya gotta leave for a sec.”
Enjin stepped out of the room, he caused some clatter in the kitchen.
Zanka threw on some pajamas and came out of the bathroom. He threw himself on Enjin, wrapping his arms around him like a ragdoll.
Enjin gave him a hug and a pat on the back, “You’re a good kid, Zanka,” he ruffled his hair, “Let’s get lunch.”
His stomach was growling and his throat was dry, “I’m down.”
They got in the car, headed for Dairy Queen, “I should’ve just brought you to the hospital, man.”
“No, it’s fine, that’s embarrassing,” Zanka muttered.
Enjin frowned, “How?”
“It’s… whatever.”
“What do you want?” He pointed to the menu.
Zanka shrugged, “I don’t know, get me a burger and vanilla soft serve.”
They ate in the parking lot. A good burger really helped Zanka’s mood. He really wanted to go to bed. But if he fell asleep now he knew tomorrow would be terrible, it was only 3.
He put his hands on the wheel, “Do you wanna go anywhere now?”
Zanka yawned, “No, I’m tired.”
Enjin decided he wanted to go on a drive though, they were in town for a long time, driving around. The sky became dark and the only thing they could see was the light in windows and occasional headlights. The chill from the sun being gone was soothing, even if it was followed by Enjin cussing after being nearly t-boned for skipping another red light.
They pulled into their driveway and Zanka wobbled out. He made himself comfortable in his old bed and turned on some white noise to fall asleep to. He didn’t sleep well but at least he was comfortable.
He felt refreshed after then, he would still cut himself, but he knew that someone was worried when he did. That knowledge warmed him up inside.