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Published:
2026-09-13
Updated:
2026-10-19
Words:
6,988
Chapters:
4/?
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God Outside the Box

Summary:

I grew up with worship songs in my bones and a rainbow I was taught to hide.

For years, I wondered whether there was room for both my faith and my sexuality—whether loving God meant I had to hide or lose a part of myself. At the time, bisexual was the word that helped me understand and describe who I was. As I’ve grown and learned more about myself, that language has changed, and today I identify as pansexual.

Worship Songs in My Bones and Rainbows in My Blood is a story about faith, identity, shame, self-discovery, and learning what unconditional love really means.

Notes:

Hi besties!!! 💕📖

Over a year ago, I wrote this little testimony for a friend’s fanfiction. At the time, I had absolutely NO idea that a year later I would fall completely in love with writing fanfiction myself—and somehow already be working on my FOURTH fic. 😭❤️ Like… how did we get here?!

For the past couple of months, I’ve been writing constantly, usually with calming sounds or ocean waves playing in the background, along with the songs I’ve recommended for each character’s POV. 🎶🌊 I’ve also been using AI to help me organize my thoughts whenever my brain has approximately seventeen ideas happening at once. 😂 My sister even helped me with Chapter 11 of What Gold Remembers, which made that chapter feel even more special to me.

And now, because apparently I have absolutely no self-control when it comes to starting new stories, I’m also working on a new Heated Rivalry fanfiction that I’ll be sharing sometime this upcoming week! 🏒❤️

I originally wrote this testimony for my friend AegoBi’s AO3 fanfiction, I Had to Get Out. Her writing is absolutely AMAZING, so seriously—go find her, because everything she writes is beautiful. 🥹💕

I Had to Get Out follows thirty-year-old Charlie Spring, a closeted widower and father to a six-year-old daughter with diabetes, who moves from Texas to Germany for a new job and a fresh start. Charlie grew up deeply religious, and those beliefs have made it difficult for him to fully embrace who he is. But this new chapter of his life gives him room to begin questioning the things he was taught and figuring out what he actually believes for himself.

And then there’s Nick Nelson—an out-and-proud bisexual primary school teacher who patiently and lovingly walks beside Charlie as he begins untangling his past and discovering who he really is.

And, naturally, the sexual tension between them keeps growing along the way. 👀❤️

I still haven’t finished the entire story, but I absolutely plan to because I already know it’s going to hit me directly in the feelings. 😭

When I first wrote this testimony, I was still very fresh in my own religious deconstruction. I was trying to separate what I genuinely believed from what I had simply been taught to believe. I was also trying to understand whether there could be room in my faith for every part of who I am.

So this testimony came from a very real and tender season of my life.

Revisiting it now feels like opening a little time capsule from that version of myself. 🥹💕

I’ve grown since then. My faith has changed. My understanding of myself has changed. I’m much more comfortable asking questions, trusting my own heart, and allowing my faith to be rooted in love rather than fear.

And somehow, somewhere in the middle of all of that, I became a fanfiction writer too. 😂❤️

So, besties, here is Worship Songs in My Bones and Rainbows in My Blood—a little piece of my heart from a version of me who was still discovering that she never had to choose between her faith and living authentically. 🌈✝️💕

And if you’re going through religious deconstruction yourself, I really recommend listening to “If It’s Not God” by Maddie Zahm. That song helped me so much during that season of my life.

There is something incredibly freeing about realizing that questioning what you were taught doesn’t automatically mean you’ve lost your faith or lost everything you once believed in. Sometimes questioning is how you finally begin discovering what you truly believe for yourself.

For me, so much of this journey has come down to choosing love over fear.

I would rather be someone who makes people feel safe, seen, and loved than someone who spends their life deciding who is worthy of acceptance.

And that is probably one of the biggest things religious deconstruction has taught me: I don’t need all the answers to know that I want love to be at the center of whatever I believe. ❤️🌈

Chapter 1: I had to get out testimony

Chapter Text

Lacie

Worship Songs in My Bones and Rainbows in My Blood: 

 

I grew up between the church pews, where worship songs wrapped around me like a warm blanket, speaking of grace without limits. Prayers told of God’s unconditional love. Sermons preached about not conforming to the world. But what they really meant was ‘conform to us and our church traditions’. 

 

Hide your rainbow flag in the back of your closet and shut the door so no one else will see. Because to them, it was an “unconventional lifestyle.” Because to them, holiness meant hiding.

 

But not every sermon I encountered came from the pulpit. Some were delivered in the way conversations stopped when I walked into Wednesday night Bible study. Some were in the way certain prayers changed tone when I spoke too much truth—how they shifted from blessings to warnings. Some came in the subtle shaming, in the deliberate silences, whenever I found the bravery to voice my doubts— doubts about where I stood in the space between my faith in one hand and my bisexuality in the other.

 

I feared that to keep one was to lose the other. To them, it was a threat to “Christianity.” Even when it was simply the way God made me.

 

I wondered if the faith I had been handed could ever make space for the fullness of who I am. So I slipped into the grayscale version of myself—quiet enough not to disturb the order of the sanctuary, small enough to keep their comfort intact. The rainbows in my blood stayed hidden for years. I prayed that God would love the quieter, straighter version of me—the self I thought God required.

 

But over time, my heart began to decay.

 

And God… He walked toward me in the middle of my hiding. His voice was never the one telling me to shrink. In the quiet, He whispered: “The rainbow in you is Mine. I set it in the clouds as a covenant—not for the righteous only, not for the straight and narrow, but for all flesh." I can hold every color of who you are. I call every rainbow good. There is no part of you I regret creating.”

 

At 37 years old, I came out as bisexual. And I learned—God’s love embraces every part of me. His love is soft and kind.

 

That love inspired me to dig my old rainbow flag out of the darkness of my closet and wear it proudly for all to see. My rainbow blood is not a secret anymore.

 

Now I live in the light of knowing that my faith and my bisexuality are not enemies; they are threads in the same tapestry. The God who made the galaxies also made me exactly as I am: rainbows in my blood.

 

I will never be the same after fully living as my authentic self. I have always been inside His divine light.

 

Every now and then, I walk through the doors of my childhood church— once clothed in guilt and shame, now clothed in the rainbow colors running through my veins.

 

I lift my hands in worship without apology. Because the rainbow was never for the church to weaponize or use as hate mail to the LGBTQ+ community. It belongs to the God who made me, calls me beloved, and calls me very good.

 

So to the person sitting on the back pew hiding your rainbow blood— God sees you. He sees the flag tucked away in the dark for fear of being found out. He hears the prayers that He might love the version of you that hides your true self.

 

I pray you come to see the rainbow not as resistance but as revelation. Not as rebellion, but as a promise.

 

Your rainbow colors are not a threat to holiness, they are evidence of it.

 

No one, no pastor, no so-called spiritual mentor has the authority to paint over the colors God created in you. God never asked you to be less alive to be more loved. He never asked you to disappear to fit the religious narrative.

 

If love comes with a list of rules, it is not God’s love. If holiness means hiding, it is not holiness. If anyone says your rainbow threatens heaven, remember the throne of heaven is wrapped in a rainbow.