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After everything, Lu Guang likes to think that he’s come to know the things that make up Cheng Xiaoshi.
The way he’s a child at heart, with a soul that burns brightly despite living in a world that’s constantly trying to take that away.
The way he’s messy. Messy in the parts of himself that he tries to hide, messy in the way that it spills over nonetheless. Messy in the way that Lu Guang wants to be there for.
The way he cares about people. His morals. Putting his faith in the good of the world and being the one to bring that good around when no one steps forward.
The way that standing for those very people never ends in him coming out unscathed.
Sometimes, it stays purely on the mental side of it. Trauma. Emotions. Guilt. Other times, it’s physical. Bleeding, broken arms. If he’s unlucky, it becomes permanent; say, a missing limb or two. Losing his vision.
And then, there are the times it ends in him dying.
Though one might argue that death is the easiest way to lose someone, Lu Guang can’t help but argue the opposite. Every bloody smile, every final breath, every time that gold leaves his eyes and chooses him instead—he hates it.
He hates that he’s always given the chance to go back. Hates it. It might’ve been less cruel if the world just forced him to move on.
Instead, Fate knows he’s not strong enough to make the right choice. Never has been. Never will. Not when all he wants is to be here to see him alive again. Him and his stupid jokes. Him and his laughter. Him and that warmth.
Him.
When he fails to protect him yet again, Lu Guang finds himself clutching onto him, like he can salvage the pieces of him, stop him from slipping away if he holds him tightly enough. He can smell the scent of rust in the air. Something’s wet, seeping into both of their clothes. And it’s dark. So dark.
Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t like the dark. Lu Guang's sorry he hadn’t been able to at least get him somewhere else, to a better place for him to spend his last moments in.
There’s barely enough light to see where his face is.
Suddenly, there’s a hand cradling Lu Guang's cheek. A thumb rubs small circles on him. Only then, does he realise his face’s damp with something.
Maybe it’s blood. Maybe it’s tears. Lu Guang doesn’t know. He never knows when it comes to this.
For some reason, this Cheng Xiaoshi's a little less clueless than the others. He already knows what’s going to happen. He’s already accepted it.
“Qiao Ling’s going to be so mad, huh.” There’s that chuckle. “She’s always so stern about getting me to pay off my debt. I’m not gonna be able to do that anymore. Heh.”
She’s not, Lu Guang would say. Every time, she only waits until after you’re gone to say that it was never that important to her.
“Guess I’m going to be able to be let off the hook. Whether she likes it or not.”
For a little while, Cheng Xiaoshi keeps talking about the little things—taking care of Elizabeth, whether they’re going to get around to finishing that jumbo pack of noodles that they bought. Whether they’re just going to end up throwing that in the trash.
“Hey, Guangguang,” comes that voice, once more. It’s so soft. “Can I tell you something?”
Lu Guang doesn’t know if his voice would come out shaky. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to keep it stable. He nods instead.
“Sorry for throwing that basketball into your face when we first met. I’m not sure if I ended up apologising for that.”
A pause.
“Thanks for staying anyway.”
He goes quiet. He tilts his head ever so slightly to the side, like he’s hesitating to say something.
“Y’know. I never got around to telling you,” he says. “I…”
He pushes the hair out of Lu Guang's face. He runs his fingers through the rest of his hair. “You… mean a lot to me.” He combs through it, faster, less deliberate now, like he’s trying to distract himself. His voice cracks. “Thanks for everything.”
He lets Lu Guang hold him even tighter. He brings up his hands to hug him back.
“I love you.”
That’s not right. Cheng Xiaoshi shouldn’t be loving someone like Lu Guang. He deserves so much better.
Not a hypocrite. Not a liar. Not someone who hurts him.
Not someone who fails to keep him alive.
Suddenly, he’s trembling. Lu Guang doesn’t know whether it’s him or Cheng Xiaoshi. Maybe it’s both.
Lu Guang shakes his head. Shakes it and shakes it and shakes it.
Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t explain. Doesn’t explain why he fell for Lu Guang. Doesn’t explain what there is to love about him. He runs out of time before he can, the breath in his lungs going still.
For the rest of the night, it’s silent.