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“Is everything ok, Cal?” Charles asked carefully as they played their second backgammon game of the evening. Calbert seemed preoccupied tonight. He was quieter than usual, not bantering nearly as much as he usually did and he was even a little off his game. It was unlike him.
“Charles,” Calbert sighed. “I’m worried.”
“About what?” Charles asked, placing the dice down on the table so he could direct his full attention to his friend.
“About Didi,” Calbert confessed.
“What about her?” Charles’ voice took on an edge as he felt his chest tighten with concern.
“She’s not herself this past week. She’s working crazy extra hours even for her, she’s not socialising and bantering with the residents and other staff like she usually does. Spends all her time holed up in her office,” Calbert sighed deeply, a weary sound. “When she does come out she’s so meek and quiet and she just seems…lost all of the time,” he said.
“Well that’s not good,” Charles leaned back in his chair, fingers lacing together over his belly.
“Maybe she’s finally burning out?” Calbert suggested sadly. “It’s a tough job and she has been here a long time now,” he added.
“I’ll do some digging,” Charles told him. “See what I can find out. In the meantime, maybe try and spread the word to be gentle on her for a little while.”
“Will do,” Calbert gave a small salute and Charles laughed lightly in spite of the heaviness that had settled over him as he’d listened to Calbert’s concerns.
Charles had come to genuinely adore Didi during his time undercover at Pacific View. She had seen him struggle when he moved in and she had honestly given him his life back by gently interceding to help facilitate his settling in process and make sure that he didn’t just withdraw from everything and everyone around him as he had been so tempted to do. He had genuinely meant it when he had called her a marvel. He’d heard, read and seen so many horror stories of elder abuse and neglect in facilities like Pacific. Moving in and getting to see this much younger woman at the helm of this huge community, leading her staff by practising what she preached with an overwhelming focus on treating everyone as well as they possibly could had been something to behold and watching the way she treated her staff and residents alike with such profound compassion, kindness and gentleness had reignited his faith in humanity.
Didi’s rage and disappointment when she had sprung Julie, discovered his involvement and subsequently kicked them out had hurt so much more than he cared to admit. He had been extremely relieved and grateful that after he and Julie had talked to her at the cafe she had seemed to find some peace with what he and Julie had done and had pivoted from her position that she was at fault and needed to leave her job. He was even more relieved and grateful when she had welcomed him back, albeit a little reluctantly and distrustfully at first, when he and Calbert had made amends and rekindled their friendship.
Once she had allowed him back at Pacific View, Charles had made a point to front up and apologise privately and personally to Didi about his involvement in the undercover op and how they had handled it. She had seemed genuinely pleased by that, thanking him, shaking his hand and declaring it water under the bridge. He knew she really had forgiven him when Didi had gone back to her old bubbly, friendly self with him and she had begun to actively seek him out to say hi when she heard he was visiting.
He looked forward to his brief catch ups with her each week almost as much as he looked forward to his game nights with Calbert and his book and movie clubs with the other residents. Didi was funny and bright, intelligent and kind. He loved the way her face would light up and her nose would scrunch adorably as she smiled widely when she saw him coming and he loved the conversations they would have, often about nothing in particular. She always managed to make him laugh and she always made him feel important and valued and at 76 years old that was something he experienced less and less and so it meant a lot to him.
As Charles was leaving later that night he spotted Virginia loitering near Didi’s office. From her slightly pinched face he could see that Calbert was not the only resident concerned about their beloved Director.
“Virginia,” he greeted as he got closer.
“You heading home already Professor?” She asked with a grin.
“Actually I wonder if I could ask you something?” He asked, glancing at Didi’s closed door.
“You worried too?” Virginia asked sharply.
“Calbert clued me in,” he told her. “Any theories on what’s going on?”
“One,” Virginia gestured to some chairs further away from the door and then Charles followed her over to them. “She can’t hear us. She’s having one of her timeouts,” she shrugged, not elaborating when Charles lifted an eyebrow. “But I still don’t want to risk it.”
“Fair enough,” Charles nodded.
“I’m pretty sure her mom died around this time of the year,” Virginia told him, not mincing words. “I watch her, Y’know. Keep an eye out. She always struggles with the holidays and well into the New Year.”
“Oh,” Charles said sadly. “Have you ever brought it up?” He asked, hoping to gauge whether that might be a terrible idea.
“Sort of,” Virginia shrugged. “Not directly. Didi values her professionalism and boundaries and I doubt she’ll confide in anyone who is actively under her care. So, we have a routine where I ask her every other day if she’s ok. She tells me she’s fine. I know she’s talking out of her ass so I make it my life’s mission to get a smile or a laugh out of her every so often. She knows damn well that I know she’s lying and I think she secretly appreciates the effort,” she shrugged again.
“Well,” Charles said, fingers tented under his chin as he pondered that information. “I don’t live here anymore. I’m not under her care. Maybe she’ll talk to me?” He looked at Ginny who had turned her head back to watch Didi’s office like a hawk. She looked back at him a moment later.
“Can’t hurt to try,” she agreed although she didn’t look hopeful. “Maybe not tonight though,” she advised. “I think it’s been a long day.”
“Next time,” Charles nodded, realising that Ginny likely knew something he didn’t here.
“Next time,” she echoed. Charles checked his phone and saw that he had a text from Julie to say she had just pulled up.
“Goodnight Virginia,” he said, standing and touching a hand to her shoulder.
“Night Professor,” Ginny offered him the usual flirty grin at that and he saluted back. They both laughed as he turned to head out, leaving Virginia to her guard duties.
-*-*-
Charles yawned widely as he keyed in his code to the door at Kovalenko Investigations. He had had a miserable night. His worry over Didi had kept him awake, his brain refusing to switch off as he came up with scenario after scenario of how he could approach Didi and how that might go.
He had dragged himself back out of bed a little after 6 and made his coffee and his breakfast. As he ate he’d decided to head in to Kovalenko Investigations bright and early to do a little digging.
“Megan,” Charles said as he approached the redhead at her desk.
“Morning Charles!” Megan greeted brightly with a wide smile that Charles couldn’t help but return.
“Good morning. I wonder if you’d maybe do me a small favour?” Charles asked her, taking a seat in front of her desk. “Please,” he added, belatedly remembering his manners.
“What kind of favour?” Megan asked back, a little bit nervously. She glanced toward Julie’s office even though they both knew she wasn’t there. She was out doing reconnaissance for a case and she had been in a spectacularly foul mood the past few days and so they had both just left her to it knowing work and solitude tended to soothe her.
“Julie had a file put together on Didi Santos Cordero when I went into Pacific View,” Charles began to explain. “I don’t think it had a huge amount of information but I wondered if it had any about her mother,” Charles told her.
“Why would you need that?” Megan asked, raising an eyebrow. Her nervousness seemed to dissolve into curiosity. Charles shuffled his chair closer to Megan’s desk.
“I go back to Pacific View quite a lot,” he began. “I visit with my friends, I play backgammon with Calbert. While I was there last night he told me he was worried about Didi. She hasn’t been herself lately. I’ve done a little digging and the evidence is pointing toward her mother having passed away around this time of the year. I was wondering if there was anything in her file that might confirm my hunch,” he told her.
“Your hunch is correct,” Megan told him, not even looking at her screen. “She died in early January I think. Didi finds the holiday period especially hard in the lead up to the anniversary.”
“You didn’t even look that up,” Charles raised an eyebrow.
“I didn’t have to. Didi and I kind of bonded at your house on thanksgiving,” Megan shrugged. “We mostly talked about Julie and her special brand of weird that day but Didi also briefly mentioned being grateful that Mona asked her and you allowed her to stay for the above reasons,” Megan smiled lightly at him. Charles nodded, looking serious.
“Thank you,” he told her. “That helps.”
“No problem,” Megan replied. Her face fell a little. “What are you going to do?” She asked him.
“I’m not sure,” Charles sighed and rubbed his temples. “I think…just reach out? Let her know that we see that she’s having a rough time and that there’s support for her *if* she wants it,” he heavily stressed that if. “She was very forthright and open with me when she saw me struggling. I get the feeling she might appreciate the same courtesy in return. Or do you think she would hate that?” He asked her worriedly.
“Honestly? We really hit it off that day but I still really don’t know her well enough yet to be sure how she will react to that,” Megan admitted. “But I think it’s a solid plan.”
“Good,” Charles leaned back in his chair and sighed. “I won’t push. I don’t think that’s helpful- frankly I think it’s disrespectful. I’m prepared to back off or step up. That’s her choice.”
“I think that’s very kind of you, Charles,” Megan reassured.
“Megan?” Charles said contemplatively after they had lapsed into silence for a few moments.
“Charles?” She echoed his tone.
“Are you going to go missing one of these days when Julie finds out you talked about her behind her back?” He asked, amused. “And to Didi, of all people.”
“Not if my plan works!” Megan shot him a wide, bright smile.
“What plan is that?” He asked, then paused. “Are you trying to set them up?” He asked a moment later and Megan looked genuinely surprised.
“Why would you think that?” She asked him evenly.
“Well…” he paused, pondering. “When I was staying at Pacific I once asked if Didi had a boyfriend. It was happy hour. I might have been a little drunk,” he said ruefully. “Virginia, who might also have been a little drunk, laughed uproariously and informed me that she didn’t think Didi would be interested in a boyfriend. I was a little slow on the uptake so Ginny said, and I quote, ‘Charles if it walks like a lesbian, dresses like a lesbian, has multiple forearm tattoos and drives a Subaru there’s only one logical conclusion’,” he quoted carefully and Megan lost it, throwing her head back and howling with laughter. Her laugh was boisterous and contagious and Charles couldn’t help but join in.
“And Julie?” Megan asked when they’d finally settled.
“She only put two photos in the file she showed me but she accidentally showed me the several hundred she took when she opened a memory card to find a particular photo of Pacific View. It was,” he paused. “Excessive,” he finished, somewhat delicately.
“Very excessive,” Megan had also seen the sheer number of Didi surveillance photos Julie had taken while prepping for that case. Julie was always very thorough in her work but that had been something else.
“When I realised what Ginny was meaning about Didi I had something of an epiphany and the photos and some other information I had gathered clicked into place,” Charles informed her, tapping the side of his head and Megan chuckled again.
“You are good,” Megan told him and he beamed proudly at her. “If I ever need help with Project Wingwoman I’ll hit you up.”
“Project Wingwoman?” Charles raised an eyebrow.
“That’s what I named my plan to set them up,” Megan told him proudly. “It’s lame but I think it’s funny,” she declared and Charles nodded in agreement. “I had to come up with some way to intervene because Didi is frustrated and Julie is oblivious and they’re both intelligent, capable, functioning women but they’re also both just stupid when it comes to each other,” Megan screwed up her face in fond annoyance. “They’re on totally different pages and I have no faith in them that they’re going to work this thing out anytime soon without some outside assistance. So I have volunteered as tribute to be their -well if we’re honest mostly Julie’s- social lubricant.”
“That…is a gross but accurate term,” Charles declared, nose wrinkled and turned up in distaste.
“Mmhmm,” Megan smiled impishly at him. “The plan is mostly to befriend Didi and make sure she doesn’t just totally give up on this and to help her learn to speak Julie,” she elaborated, knowing Charles would be burning with curiosity.
“Ah, yes,” Charles nodded, rubbing his hands together. “Because Julie won’t believe it if it comes from anyone but Didi and will just spiral in another weird, paranoid direction if we’re blunt with her,” he said knowingly and with such an air of deep fondness.
“Exactly,” Megan nodded. “I’m walking a tightrope here Charles.”
“Well,” he said, considering. “Maybe you can take a break for a little bit while I put my own operation into action and hopefully help get Didi back to her old self. I will call it…Operation Friendship,” he declared. “That name is also “lame”, but I think it fits so I am calling it that anyway.”
“I hope it works, Charles,” Megan told him honestly.
“So do I,” his face turned serious again. “So do I.”
-*-*-
The next few days ended up being busy ones at Kovalenko investigations. The Wheeler case was ever moving and swiftly becoming more and more confounding. It wasn’t until Friday night that Charles was able to step away and turn his focus back onto his plan to check on Didi.
He arrived at Pacific View later than he had intended and played a few rounds of backgammon with Calbert who filled him in that the residents had promised and were trying hard to behave, some with more success than others, and that he hadn’t seen much of an improvement in Didi’s demeanour as of yet.
Then Virginia and Elliot had come over and they had all sat around catching up on the latest gossip and goings on in the case and at Pacific View.
-*-*-
As Charles walked through the lobby later, intending to get an uber home, he was internally kicking himself for getting lost in the competition and banter with Calbert, visiting with his other Pacific View friends and unintentionally missing his chance to talk to Didi.
She had still been there when he arrived and he belatedly realised he should have spoken to her first and then gone on to his friends. As he took a seat and pulled out his phone to book his ride he looked up and realised there was a light on in Didi’s office still.
He checked his watch and realised it was close to 10pm and he knew that Didi had been on early starts this week. He moved closer and peeked through a gap in the blinds, thinking surely she had just forgotten to turn the light off and wasn’t on her 16th hour of work for the day. But no, there she sat at her desk, hunched over with her cheek propped on her hand, dark curls falling in a halo around her head as she wrote into a file. He took a deep breath and tapped gently on the door.
“Come in,” She even sounded exhausted Charles thought with a wince. “Oh! Hi Charles! What can I do for you?” She asked, a little brighter when she realised who it was. Charles could see that while she was genuinely pleased to see him, her bubbliness was a little forced.
“Hello, Didi. Isn’t it a little late for you to still be here?” He asked gently.
“Extra long days are part of the fun of being management,” she smiled tiredly, attempting to brush him off. Her smile didn’t quite meet her eyes he noticed.
“Are you alright, Didi?” Charles asked her gently as he looked her over worriedly. She was paler than usual, her lips were a little chapped and the bags under her eyes had taken on a life of their own.
“Sure,” she shrugged. “What makes you think I wouldn’t be?” She asked a little defensively, her voice rising slightly in pitch. Charles took a deep breath and then let it out slowly.
“Well, the residents have been telling me you’re not yourself lately,” he told her gently. “I’m inclined to agree with them.”
“Oh. Well, I’m fine, Charles,” she actually seemed a little touched that he was asking after her.
“Didi I…forgive me for being forthright, but I know your Mom passed away around this time of the year,” he told her. “I wondered if maybe you were just struggling with that grief a little harder this year?” He inquired directly and then tensed, waiting for her reaction. His words seemed to hit her like a slap in the face and she physically jerked back. Her shoulders jumped up and her eyes went wide and wet immediately.
“How did you know that?” She asked, voice barely a whisper.
“I asked around,” he told her, not wanting to out anyone in particular for having given him that information. Her lip shook and as Charles watched she seemed to really struggle to hold herself together. Charles felt a deep pang of guilt for making her look like that. She was such a kind and sensitive soul and he didn’t like that he had caused upset to her, even if it was well meaning and out of concern for her wellbeing.
“Oh,” she responded after a long pause.
“I’m so sorry, Didi,” he told her. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” Tears spilled down her cheeks a moment later and she quickly wiped at them with the sleeve of her oversized woollen sweater.
“I don’t know why this year is so much harder. It’s not even a notable anniversary or anything,” she said roughly, ignoring his apology and still trying to fight her emotions. Charles swallowed hard as he realised she may actually be responsive to his little one on one intervention.
“I find it comes in waves,” Charles said gently. “Grief. It doesn’t always play by the rules we expect it to. It has its own mind and does its own thing,” he said and watched as her chest hitched a couple of times as she fought not to break down completely.
“Yeah,” her voice hitched too.
“Didi?” He called gently.
“Yeah?” It was basically a sob this time.
“Would you let me drive you home?” He asked her. “Please? It’s very late. I can see you’re very tired and you’re very sad. At least you’ll have some company for the drive?” He offered.
“Charles, you don’t have to do that, I don’t want to put you out,” she argued, and he could see she was fast losing the last of her grip on her emotions as she furiously wiped at her eyes again.
“I want to,” Charles reassured her. “If you haven’t noticed, I’ve become quite fond of you, Didi. I’d hate to think of you, sad and alone and working yourself to the bone just to try and get through the pain,” he moved around her desk and reached for her, resting a gentle hand on her shoulder when she allowed it. “You give so much of yourself to everyone else, Didi,” he squeezed her shoulder gently and she seemed to give up fighting it and really started to cry. “You gave so much to me in the brief time I lived here. Let me give some of that kindess back to you,” he stood next to her chair for a long time, hand on her shoulder alternating between squeezing gently and rubbing her shoulder with his thumb as she cried. The protective Dad in him wanted nothing more than to just gather her up and give her the biggest, warmest hug, the way he would have if he was seeing Emily upset, but while he was very fond of her and they had struck up something of a friendship of late he knew Didi likely wouldn’t be receptive to that.
“I’m sorry,” Didi’s voice was rough as she finally got hold of herself.
“For what?” Charles asked, baffled.
“This,” she gestured at herself. “I’m a mess.”
“Didi,” he stepped slightly closer and moved his hand across to her far shoulder in something of a one armed, almost hug. “You’re allowed to be a mess. Frankly I’m just relieved you let me stay here with you. No one should feel like they have to be a mess alone,” he told her honestly. He felt her shift and lean into his side for a brief moment before she pulled back and reached for the tissues on her desk.
Charles stepped away and moved around the desk to retake his seat, giving Didi the chance to gather herself and square herself away again. Once she had settled a bit he decided to retry his earlier offer.
“So, Didi, will you let me drive you home?” He asked.
“I don’t know,” she said, hesitant.
“Please?” He pressed, careful to keep his tone gentle. “I’d really like to make sure my friend gets home safely.” Wide, dark and still puffy eyes settled on him and Charles could almost see the gears turning in her head.
“Ok,” she said finally. “Friend.” Her lips quirked up into a small smile and Charles beamed back at her, so relieved and pleased that she had caved and would let him make sure she actually went home and also got there safely. He was really quite concerned that she wasn’t in any state to be driving herself.
“Great,” he clasped his hands in front of him. “Do you need to finish your work first?” He checked. “I can wait in the foyer if you do?”
“No, that’s ok,” she told him. “It’s not so important it can’t wait til tomorrow,” she closed the file and tucked it into a cabinet drawer which she locked afterward.
“Good,” he nodded. “I’ll wait out there while you get your things. No need to rush,” he assured her.
-*-*-
As he waited patiently in the reception area for Didi to pack up to leave he spotted Virginia hovering nearby. He caught her eye and gave a slight nod, a confirmation that things had gone well. Even at a distance he could see that Ginny looked deeply relieved. Charles turned his attention to Didi as she closed her office door behind her and approached him.
“You’re gonna drive me?” Didi asked, quirking one eyebrow up as she held out her hand with the car keys dangling from one finger.
“Consider me your chauffeur for the evening,” he told her, giving an exaggerated little bow that made Didi huff a tired laugh. He smiled widely at her and then took the offered keys, gesturing for her to go ahead of him. She took a step toward the door and then paused.
“Goodnight Virginia,” she called out with a small smile. Her eyes flicked up and to her right, toward the hallway, as she waited.
“Goodnight Didi,” Virginia called back from wherever she had tucked herself to stay out of sight. Didi rolled her eyes and laughed, pure exasperation in her expression before she nodded at Charles and led the way out of the building.
-*-*-
As they walked to Didi’s car Charles heard her stomach growl loudly beside him.
“Didi when was the last time you ate?” He asked.
“Uh, lunchtime I think,” she replied quietly but a quick glance at her told Charles she wasn’t being honest. He wondered if she’d eaten at all today or if she was just surviving on truly heroic amounts of coffee again.
“There’s an all night diner a few blocks away,” he thought aloud. “I’ll stop and get you some dinner there,” he decided.
“You don’t have to,” Didi argued weakly and Charles turned to look at her, assessing. She was pointedly looking down at her feet and didn’t offer any further resistance to his plan.
“No I don’t have to, but I want to,” he reassured her, reaching over to pat her lightly on the shoulder. “And don’t bother arguing because I have your keys,” he smiled indulgently at her and copped an eyeroll in response. He couldn’t help but notice that she looked relieved though.
-*-*-
Charles kept a close eye as Didi slowly ate the pancakes with bacon and fruit he had flat refused to let her pay for. She looked up as he watched and she offered him a small smile.
“Good?” He asked her.
“Yeah,” she replied around a mouthful of food. “Really good. Thank you Charles.”
“Good,” he nodded, satisfied. He took a sip of his coffee and then contemplated her again. “How long?” He asked. “Has she been gone for?”
“7 years,” Didi said, pausing between bites. “It’s not like it’s a stupid ‘milestone’ anniversary or anything,” she said, putting the word milestone in air quotes. “I don’t know why it’s hitting so much harder this year,” she repeated her earlier statement.
“I had ones like that,” Charles told her, taking another sip of his coffee.
“I thought Victoria had only been gone a year,” Didi frowned. “Or close to two now?”
“Victoria isn’t the only loss of my long life, Didi,” Charles told her gently. She really must have been tired, he thought as he watched her confused face slowly click into realisation.
“Oh. Right. Of course,” Didi said, a little embarrassed. “That was stupid.”
“It wasn’t,” he gently reassured then took a deep breath. “I didn’t get along so well with my mother,” he told her. “I loved her…very much. But she was a difficult woman. A hard woman,” he continued. He tapped the edge of her plate gently with one finger to remind her to eat when he realised that she had stopped as she listened intently. “We never really saw eye to eye. She died fairly young. Well before Emily was born. We never really got the chance to try to reconcile our differences. I found that the waves of grief were much wilder with her. Much higher peaks and much lower troughs. And so much more complicated. My father died about 10 years ago. He was 89. He was a lovely man who lived a long, full life,” Charles paused and smiled approvingly when Didi nodded, mouth stuffed full of pancake and her plate almost cleared.
“I grieve them both so differently. But the lack of linearity is the major thing they have in common. On the 5th anniversary of my Dad, I was dreading the day in the lead up. The first was horrible and 5 was kind of the next ‘milestone’ as you called it and I went in expecting it to be just horrible too. It wasn’t. I visited his grave, I went to one of our favourite places in his honour and I remembered him fondly. I actually had a lovely day. The 6th year was awful,” he said and shook his head, swallowing to clear the lump in his throat. “Awful. But not the anniversary of his death so much as his birthday for some reason. I spent that day holed up in my home office sobbing over old photos of him,” he admitted and then cleared his throat. “With my mom sometimes it’s a random memory. Something left unsaid that triggers the wave,” he cleared his throat again.
“All of that barely coherent rambling is to say that I get it, Didi. Sometimes you expect one anniversary to be bad and you sail though it. Sometimes to the point you almost feel bad for not feeling as devastated as you think you should,” he picked up a napkin and held it out to her, pointing to his lip with the other hand to show her where to wipe the maple syrup from her own. She complied, never taking her eyes off of him.
“And other times you go in thinking it’s just another year, nothing special, you’ll be a little sad on those days again…and then that grief just thunders in out of nowhere and rips the rug out from under your feet and floors you, leaves you winded,” the hand that was holding her napkin had drifted down to rest on the table and he rested his hand gently on her forearm. “But you know the wave will pass,” he told her. “You do whatever you need to, whatever feels right to get through each one. There is no one right way to grieve. If you need to take time away? That’s right. If you need to work 16 hour days to get you through it? That’s right too,” he smiled kindly at her. “Whatever helps you is right. But Didi, know that when you’re really struggling and nothing that usually works seems to even touch the surface? There are people who love you. Who care about you. Who will be willing to offer an ear or a shoulder. Or a big hug,” he squeezed her arm gently as her eyes welled again. “I came to check on you tonight because I wanted you to know that you dont have to struggle through this alone.”
“Thank you,” she whispered. Her chin dropped down, hair falling forward to block her face as she curled in on herself. Charles took his hand off of her arm as he felt her start to pull it back. He let her have her moment and chose to busy himself flagging a waitress and asking if she could please bring them a glass of water for his friend. When he was done Didi had reined herself in again.
“She was difficult too,” She spoke quietly as the waitress approached with her water a minute later. She smiled and thanked her before turning back to Charles. “My mom.” Charles offered a solemn nod. “A lot got left unresolved when she died,” she paused, fiddling with the water glass. “It complicates things.”
“Mmm,” Charles acknowledged but didn’t comment further, allowing her the space to direct the conversation.
“I think Julie’s thing with her Mom at thanksgiving brought up a fair bit of stuff. Or…added to some stuff that I was already struggling with this year,” she looked up at him for a moment and then back down at her hands. “We were finally making some progress after years of struggling and fighting. We were finding common ground. Then all of a sudden she was just gone and so was everything we were working toward. I guess seeing Julie trying to reconnect with her mom, even though it all went to shit that night, reminded me of what I went through with my own Mom. Nothing against Julie and her mom, it just…It made me a little sad for myself seeing Julie getting that chance to reconcile. Seeing her mom so ready and willing to do whatever it takes to fix her past mistakes. It’s something I really feel like death robbed me of,” Didi sighed and looked at him again and he nodded in understanding.
“I guess all of that on top of the…flashbacks and memories and the usual unsolicited and unwanted reliving of the weeks leading up to her death just completely swamped me this year,” she admitted.
“I bet it did,” Charles offered sympathetically and she offered a tired smile. “I wish I had magic words or a magic wand to make it easier for you to navigate that, Didi,” he told her honestly. “But sadly I don’t.”
“No one does,” Didi offered a brighter smile and she seemed visibly lighter. “Thanks for coming to check on me. And feeding me. And letting me talk about it.”
“Any time my friend,” Charles told her, reaching out to touch her arm again. She grabbed his hand instead though and squeezed it for a long moment before letting go and slapping a hand over her mouth to cover a wide yawn. Charles watched as her eyes drooped a bit and realised that she had completely run out of puff now. The coffee, adrenaline, sadness and stubbornness she had previously been running on wasn’t enough anymore and she looked wrecked.
“Come on,” he instructed gently. “Let’s get you home.”
-*-*-
When Charles pulled up in front of Didi’s building a little while later he looked over and realised she was sound asleep in the passenger seat. He had been so busy concentrating on his driving and navigating that he hadn’t even noticed she had drifted off. She didn’t even stir when he parked the car and turned off the engine and so he made sure to keep quiet as he climbed out and made his way around to her side of the car. When he opened the door, she still hadn’t so much as stirred. The poor thing must have been absolutely exhausted he thought.
“Didi,” he said gently, lightly shaking her arm. Her eyes fluttered and then she snapped awake a little more.
“Sorry,” she apologised immediately.
“Don’t be sorry,” he shook his head. “Is it ok to park here or is there somewhere else?” He asked as she yawned and squinted around trying to figure out where they were.
“Oh, I have a space in the garage,” Didi told him. “It’s just ahead but it’s ok, I can move it,” she told him.
“Ok,” he nodded. Didi unbuckled and climbed out, pausing briefly when Charles’ big gentle hand landed on her elbow to guide her.
“Thank you, Charles,” she smiled tiredly as she straightened up. “For all of your kindness tonight. I think I needed to offload some stuff more than I realised,” her voice wobbled a little.
“We all need a listening ear and a little kindness sometimes,” Charles told her softly. “Would it be ok if I gave you a hug before you go in?”
“Yeah, okay,” she nodded, stepping closer as he opened his arms. He could feel her chest hitch against him as soon as he pulled her in and so he just held her gently with one hand splayed across the middle of her back as she cried again. He lifted his other hand and stroked the back of her head the way that always seemed to help settle Emily quickly when she was upset. He could feel how Didi was hanging on tightly to the back of his coat and so he just tightened his own hold on her and rocked her side to side a little bit.
He was relieved when she settled fairly quickly and pulled back, her face puffy and shiny with fresh tears. Charles gave in to his Dad instincts on this one and reached up with both hands to dry her tears for her.
“Goodnight Didi,” he told her, as he dried his hands on his pants. “Try and get some sleep.”
“Goodnight Charles,” she replied roughly. “You’re ok to get home?” She checked.
“Absolutely,” he assured her plucking the keys from his pocket and handing them to her. “I’ll see you next time I’m at Pacific.”
“See you then,” she nodded.
Charles waited until she had gotten in the car and disappeared into the parking garage before he booked an Uber to get him home. He felt his own exhaustion wash over him as he stood in the quiet to wait. He felt accomplished though. Didi was still sad and still tired but she had seemed brighter for his effort to make her feel seen, heard and supported. He sent a silent plea to the universe that she would crash out quickly and get a decent night’s sleep and hopefully feel a little better in the morning.
-*-*-
“I’m gonna beat you this time my friend,” Charles goaded as he shook the dice in the cup and then rolled them onto the board. They were neck and neck, both with all of their checkers in their home and the race was on to bear them all off to take the game. Charles groaned as Calbert rolled and clapped his hands as he was able to bear off two more checkers.
“Hey guys,” Charles and Calbert both jumped as Didi spoke from where she had managed to sneak up beside them as they concentrated on their game.
“Jeez Didi!” Calbert exclaimed. “You gonna give a man a heart attack one of these days,” he chided with a grin as he clutched his chest dramatically.
“Oh! Don’t worry Calbert, I know CPR!” Didi cracked, winking at him. Calbert laughed, reaching up to gently bump her arm with his fist and then turned his attention back to the game.
“Hello Didi,” Charles greeted kindly as she turned her attention to him. He had popped his head into her office on his way in but it had been empty except for her purse and coat hanging on the coat rack and a fast cooling cup of coffee on her desk. He had run into Pilar on his way to meet Calbert and she had helpfully informed him that she would let Didi know he was here but that she was currently tied up trying to mediate a conflict between one of the other RNs and the extremely arrogant son of one of their newer residents.
“Hi Charles!” Didi greeted brightly back.
“You want the next game?” He asked her with a grin. “I might actually have a chance at a win playing against you,” he teased. “I’ve got no chance against this guy,” he jerked his thumb at Calbert.
“Don’t be so sure,” Didi shot back. “I learned from the best,” she patted Calbert on the shoulder and he chuckled in amusement.
“Even if she didn’t she’d probably still win. Cos you’re terrible at this,” Calbert ribbed.
“Damn it!” Charles exclaimed dramatically as his next roll was a spectacular fail and served to prove Calbert’s claim about his abilities.
“Come see me before you go tonight?” Didi asked, laughter in her voice as he slumped back in his chair in frustration.
“Of course,” Charles smiled up at her. “I won’t be too late.”
“Ok,” she seemed quite relieved at his easy agreement. “Don’t get too rowdy,” she warned pointing her finger at each of them in turn. At their obedient nods she moved to leave, but not before she rested a hand on Charles nearest shoulder for a brief moment.
“She seems better?” Charles asked after giving her a moment to leave.
“Yeah,” Calbert agreed as they watched her pause to speak to another resident who had shuffled over to intercept her. “Whatever you said to her really seemed to help,” he said, sitting back and regarding Charles with a serious expression. “You did real good Charles.”
“I didn’t do much,” Charles shrugged off the praise. “I just offered basic kindness and an ear.”
“Lotta folks wouldn’t even do that these days. You’re a good man,” Calbert disagreed. “Even when you were lying out your ass and spying on us?” He smirked and raised an eyebrow. “You were still a good man.”
“Thank you, Calbert,” Charles said around the lump in his throat.
“Now roll the damn dice,” Calbert said after clearing his own throat. “Dragging this game out longer isn’t gonna help you to not lose it.”
“Rude,” Charles said, shaking his head and reaching for the dice.
-*-*-
Charles knocked on Didi’s office door just after nine and immediately heard her wearily call out for him to come in.
“You asked me to stop by before I left?” He asked as he opened the door.
“Yeah,” she smiled a little bit nervously at him as he came in. “I did,” she gestured for him to close the door behind him.
“How are you Didi?” he asked her as he approached her desk.
“Better,” she sounded so relieved and honestly? She looked better. Very tired but better. She got up from her chair and gestured to the couch along the wall and Charles took a seat on one end, a little surprised when Didi sat down right next to him instead of at the other end.
“I asked you to come see me because I just really wanted to say thank you again for last Friday night,” Didi said shyly, looking down at her hands where they twisted in her lap. Charles opened his mouth to brush her off but she must have seen it in her peripheral vision. “No,” she shook her head. “Don’t brush me off Charles. You went out of your way to reach out to me and to make sure I was ok. When you realised that I wasn’t you went out of your way again to show me I was cared for and supported,” her voice trembled a little. “That meant so much to me,” she glanced up at him with wide wet eyes for a moment. “So thank you.”
“You’re very welcome, Didi,” Charles replied. He drifted his hand towards hers where they still twisted in her lap and she allowed him to take one in his own. “You’re a gift to this community. You should know that almost everyone here worries about you and cares for you too.”
“I know,” she said, fingers squeezing at his hand. “They all see me and support me in their own ways,” she snuffled slightly. “It’s a big part of why I love it here and what makes me want to stay. But there’s a boundary that has to exist there. They’re in my care and I have to be professional. I can’t compromise that,” she let go of his hand again and picked at her manicured nails. “I have to keep some distance.”
“I know,” Charles acknowledged. “It’s a fine line you tread between being their friend and being their caregiver. You tread it admirably,” he told her.
“I try,” she kind of brushed that off. “Charles, I don’t really have a lot of people outside of work I can confide in. I’ve gotten so good at compartmentalising all of my own…shit that I didn’t even realise how much I actually needed a friend to talk it all out with until you came to see me. So I really want you to understand how grateful I am that you saw me struggling and reached out,” she told him emphatically. “Thank you, Charles.”
“You’re very welcome,” Charles repeated. “I will always have a listening ear available to you if you need it,” he gently patted her knee.
“I’m sorry I cried all over you like, a dozen times,” she joked, clearly embarrassed and Charles tapped her leg with the back of his hand as he huffed a laugh.
“That does not require an apology, Didi,” he told her lightly.
“I’m glad you’re my friend,” she told him, her voice surprisingly soft and shy. Charles looked at her for a moment and then lifted his arm to wrap around her shoulders, squeezing her gently against his side.
“I don’t have many people in my life either. I’m glad you’re my friend too, Didi,” he told her, resting his cheek against the top of her head when she rested it against his shoulder. They sat quietly for a bit, Charles’ arm around her and his thumb rubbing her arm every so often, and it occurred to Charles that while Didi did seem better, she wasn’t quite as ok as she was presenting herself to be. It seemed like she had sought him out tonight not just to thank him but to also seek further support from him.
“Did you beat Calbert?” She asked him a few moments later, making no move to pull away.
“No,” he said sullenly. “My losing streak continues for another week.”
“How many consecutive weeks has it been going on for now?” She asked, laughing slightly.
“I will not dignify that with an answer,” he told her and she laughed harder. He gave her another light squeeze and she yawned widely beside him. “How much longer until your shift is done?” Charles asked her.
“Oh, I’m done just now,” she said looking at her watch and then back up at him.
“Do you feel like some more company and maybe some late night diner pancakes?” He invited with a wide smile.
“You bet I do,” she grinned back.
“Come on then,” Charles took his arm back and stood up, holding his hand out to her.
“My shout this time,” she told him sternly as she took his outstretched hand and let him help her up too.
“We’ll see,” he told her indulgently.
-*-*-
As he watched Didi shrug her coat on, Charles felt a wave of gratitude and happiness at what he considered the roaring success of Operation Friendship. While he was under no illusion that it was going to fix Didi’s grief and sadness, nothing was ever going to do that as much as he wished it could, he was grateful that his careful meddling seemed to have helped to lighten that load for her for now.
A newfound friendship certainly wasn’t a cure for the pain and the heaviness she carried, but as they made their way through the foyer, Didi’s wild laughter at their playful teasing echoing in the peaceful quietness of the night, Charles realised that it didn’t need to be.