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Dear Jackie, I don’t even know why I’m writing this, it’s not like you can even hear me. Five months ago, I would have said talking to dead people is crazy, so I guess I’m pretty fucking desperate.
So much has happened since that night. Travis has been a total mess. Javi’s missing, and we still haven’t found him. I don’t think he can stand being here without him. I know how he feels. I can’t stand being here without you, either.
Basically, ever since that night, everything’s been a total disaster. The worst part is, none of the other Yellowjackets knew you like I did. They’ve all practically moved on. Can you fucking believe it? I play that night back in my head all the time. And sometimes, I imagine what would have happened if I made you come back in, if I hadn’t picked that shitty fight at all. God, I fucked up so bad. If I had just swallowed my pride for once and gone after you, you would still be here, and everything would be fine. I don’t know how you felt, but you were the only one keeping me sane out here. But that’s not what I did, not what happened. I stayed in the stupid cabin, and I slept. I fucking slept while you froze to death out in the snow.
For a while, I tried to be happy, but that didn’t last. Nobody’s happy out here anymore. And I haven’t told anyone all this. They don’t know what I’m doing when I go visit you in the meat shed, and I’m the only one who sleeps in the attic anymore. Tai said she wanted to give me space but she probably thinks my crazy is fucking contagious. But I had to tell you, Jax, I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Jackie.
Love, the world’s shittiest best friend, Shauna